Shielding MIL

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

Background: MIL is shielding, she had breast cancer in 2014 and has arthritis. We live in Cornwall, PIL are on the edge of a small town and we are very rural.

DH works with FIL. FIL is working from home mainly but they are surveyors so he goes to visit properties with DH and they share a car. FIL only enters vacant properties. It's their own business. DH is in the office with other employees when not on appointments. I'm a SAHM.

We had 2 DS aged 3 and 18 months. DS1 is in the village pre-school usually, but it's been closed since the start of term. DH didn't want me to meet up with one other person for a walk in case we picked something up. I disagreed but obliged just to save stress. We aren't eligible for a support bubble or a childcare bubble, so seeing someone on a walk would be the only time I see anyone apart from DH and the boys.

DS1's pre-school opens again on Monday. I would like him to go for three days a week. DH and PIL have said no because FIL will not work with DH if DS1 is at pre-school and DH says he's too busy to work alone and needs FIL's help.

MIL has met a friend for a walk since this lockdown started. I have put my foot down about meeting a friend for a walk, so I am now 'allowed' to do that now. I literally go for a walk and do the weekly supermarket shop, I don't go anywhere else or see anyone. I feel a bit peeved that the boys and I are essentially being told to shield to protect MIL, who we will have no direct contact with. There is only allowed to be a maximum of 15 in DS1s per-school group and as there are only 16 children in pre-school anyway, there is only ever about 10 children in. It's a small primary school in a rural village.

In my sisters much larger town primary, there are teachers working in school who live with shielding partners. It seems a bit far fetched for the three of us to have to shield just in case DS catches COVID and manages to pass it on to FIL who then passes it on to MIL.

I have suggested they don't travel together or DH just goes to appointments on his own. That's fallen on deaf ears with an 'it's inconvenient' response.

AIBU in thinking DS should be allowed to go to the pre-school that he loves three days a week?

Well the obvious answer is that your dh stops car sharing with his dad. But he wont.

Seems to me your choices are either to get him to change his mind, leave things as they are or to enrol your ds anyway - in which case your dfil wont work with your dad with implications for your household income.

I dont agree with you that sending your dc to preschool doesnt raise your risk of contracting cv considerably.

I agree with your oh. And tbh, given that he's also a parent, in this situation regarding your child, his opinion has to be the one followed.

Ultimately, the risks for everyone increase at least 10 fold based on ten children plus staff at the school, as in your family is at more than 10 times greater risk than currently.
You have a walk. You shop. Let's be honest that right now that's more than many have!
Preschool would make your life easier, but what's more important for the entire family and for you that includes pil when you're involved with them for work purposes as well.

Well then given she is shielding, the obvious thing is that she and FIL start behaving like they are shielding:

No more walks with friends
No more car sharing
FIL wearing mask at all times outside the house and working from home 100% of the time
They are not meeting up with you full stop so your child can go to whatever child care you like

I work with people who are shielding. For some of them I'll be the first person they have met in months - not even members of their family. These people aren't mucking about.

That arrangement seems way OTT. Why doesn't FIL just use his own care to do the surveying then the rest can get on with their lives (as far as rules allow).

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think he should go to childcare and your husband and his Dad should stop sharing a car etc.

I may be in a minority though.

I agree with this.

Also, why are you even discussing if you are allowed for a walk with a friend with anyone. Don’t discuss that again, just tell them.

Your DH and his dad need to find ways to be socially distant; I don’t think it would be that hard from the sound of it. I don’t see that it makes any sense for you and your DC not to be able to do anything when it wouldn’t be hard for them to stay apart. It sounds quite selfish that inconvenience is his reason for not doing it.

I wouldn't take the risk. My friend's DC caught it at nursery, passed it to her DH who passed it to his shielding parents when he was taking their shopping. His dad died and mum was v poorly.

I think there might have been a slightly different response if there was no mention of MIL, more keep your child home and safe, think of the nursery workers.

Your DH could move in with his parents, then he can continue working and won't even risk isolating and losing money if the kid tests positive.

And tbh, given that he's also a parent, in this situation regarding your child, his opinion has to be the one followed.

Er, how’s that?

This seems a little extreme. I would send DS to preschool in your situation. The new shielding advice is that only the person required to shield has to. The rest of the house carry on as per guidelines.
We have a shielding child at home and we are both in key worker roles. We still have to go to work and just keep her home and make sure one of us is on rest days/ agile working.

That’s way over the top behaviour. Many people don’t have that luxury in the workplace, they’ll work closely with others who’s children go to school/ nursery etc etc. I’d understand it if your MIL was providing childcare directly to your DC and was worried about catching it from them but for DC to get it, give it to your husband, him give it to your FIL who then gives it to your MIL... come on!
If your DH/ FIL are so worried then they need to stop sharing a car. How selfish of them!

So you and kids can’t see anyone or do Pre school incase kids catch COVID who give to you /dh who then may give to fil who is working and car sharing and then may give to mil

Seems everyone else can do stuff but not you

And no way I wouldn’t go for a walk
How old is mil

If she is shielding she may be given the vaccine soon

Dd 3 went back this week. Tbh df wasn’t keen but I said she needed the social interaction. Had her at home for 5w due iso,action Xmas break and last week being shut

She’s been much happier this week plus I work nights and need some time in day to rest

Surely your DH being in the office is just as much of a risk to MIL? Ridiculous logic.

I would definitely be talking about an end point for this too. When can DS go to pre-school- when MIL is vaccinated? When we come out of lockdown? When both PIL are vaccinated? You can’t live like this indefinitely.

@upsidedownwavylegs

And tbh, given that he's also a parent, in this situation regarding your child, his opinion has to be the one followed.

Er, how’s that?

If a decision is based around potentially saving lives, then the option that saves lives has to be followed imo.

If the situation didn't involve lives, then it would be irrelevant.

Your husband works in the office without thers, how many? Why are they car sharing? Child goes to preschool, she and fil travel separately and mask up etc.

@June628

That’s way over the top behaviour. Many people don’t have that luxury in the workplace, they’ll work closely with others who’s children go to school/ nursery etc etc. I’d understand it if your MIL was providing childcare directly to your DC and was worried about catching it from them but for DC to get it, give it to your husband, him give it to your FIL who then gives it to your MIL... come on! If your DH/ FIL are so worried then they need to stop sharing a car. How selfish of them!

If they were ecv and advised to shield, then they would be protected to not attend work. So not comparable at all.

I think that you need to sit down with DH and point out that whilst it might be "inconvenient" for him and FIL to not share cars, it is even more "inconvenient" for your son not to go to school. Therefore they need to suck up the smaller "inconvenience" rather than inflict a far larger one on you. If he won't buy it then tell him to spend a day at home without you looking after both DC and doing everything that you do in that day. Then sit him down and explain that he is basically inflicting that on you every day when DS could go to school so that he and FIL can continue to share a car.

If a decision is based around potentially saving lives, then the option that saves lives has to be followed imo

Not when that option is put forward by someone whose own (by that logic) life-threatening travel plans are too convenient to be changed.

But your DH is in an office with others. Any of them could have Covid which your DH could then transmit to FIL and so forth ...

Send your child to nursery its not against guidance as where car sharing is actively discouraged (at least it is in Scotland where I am)

There would seem to be routes for potential infection - the office and the preschool. Once DH has been exposed to either, he shouldn't be sharing a car with his dad.

It's the car sharing that's the transmission route to MIL. You could argue that preschool is less of an issue than however many people in the office who also have X kids in Y amount of schools and mix with Z people out of the office. Depends how many kids at preschool have siblings going to ither settings and who their parents are mixing with. Either way, it's only an issue for MIl if FIL shares a car with your DH.

People who are shielding are allowed to meet one person for exercise.

It says so in the letter.

MIL's world will be small and lonely too

Yeah he should got to nursery and the men should stop sharing a car. Sounds like it's all about what works best for everyone else and you just put up with it.

No one in question in the OP who is going to work is ECV. Therefore completely comparable. Eg if FIL worked somewhere where he came into contact with a lot of other people he would not have the luxury of dictating what all their wives/husbands and children should be doing.