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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DH telling his DS about my redundancy?

58 replies

Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 11:37

Found out last night I'm getting made redundant from my job of 15 years out of the blue. Feel so upset and haven't got my head round it yet and not told any family or friends. Today I found out DH has told his adult DS about it, without asking or telling me he was doing so. AIBU to be so annoyed at him for doing this?! My head's all over the place as I'm the only wage earner (DH can't work due to long term illness) .

OP posts:

daisypond · 15/01/2021 11:40

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of him to tell his DS. I’d be more surprised if he didn’t tell him. Obviously, your redundancy affects him too.

billybagpuss · 15/01/2021 11:42

Sorry you’ve lost your job during such a difficult time, but it’s not something I’d consider a secret to my family. I don’t understand why you’d expect him not to say anything, I’m sure he’s concerned too.

Same4Walls · 15/01/2021 11:43

I appreciate its all very new and obviously hard to process but why would he tell his son about it? It would be much weirder if his son asked how you were for example and he didn't mention it.

Same4Walls · 15/01/2021 11:43

*wouldn't he tell his son

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2021 11:44

Sorry to hear that OP

But I think it's completely normal to confide in loved ones when you're worried about something so important.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2021 11:44

I wouldnt have expected him to keep that a secret tbh, it affects the whole family. I don't think it is embarrassing.

Doffodils · 15/01/2021 11:44

I imagine DH is fairly stressed about it too. Seems reasonable to discuss it with someone close to him TBH.

Good luck OP. DH and I both lost our jobs in the same week. I had 23 years' service and DH 15. It was a horrible time but it's amazing how things eventually work out for the best.

RedPandaFluff · 15/01/2021 11:44

I don't think he's done anything wrong by telling his DS, but I can understand why you're upset as when I was made redundant a few years ago I felt panicky, devastated, shame (unjustified!), anxious, angry . . . a full spectrum of emotions!

You've had the rug ripped out from under you and it probably feels too soon to be telling people when you haven't got your head around it yet. It helped me to channel all my energy into finding a new job - and, actually, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Seven years later, I'm earning three times what I earned in that previous job, and the world has opened up to me. So, as upsetting and disconcerting as it is, it could be a new opportunity for you! It does take a while to get there, though. Good luck

Original poster

Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 11:46

Thanks for your replies, I just wish he'd asked me first as I haven't even told anyone yet, I just wanted to get my head round it a bit first, it's not that I'm not going to tell people iyswim

OP posts:

mintbiscuit · 15/01/2021 11:46

I get it OP. This is your news. It’s unsettling and you need to get your head around how YOU want it positioned with other people.

I’d by annoyed with my DH if he shared before I had a chance to do that. I wouldn’t fall out with him but ask not to share more widely until I was ready.

DDiva · 15/01/2021 11:46

Did you ask him not too ?

I wouldnt think to keep it a secret unless asked too....

Original poster

Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 11:48

Thanks @RedPandaFluff what a kind message that is exactly how I'm feeling!

OP posts:

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 15/01/2021 11:55

I can see why you might want to wait until you've been able to process the situation in your own mind before sharing the news, so I get why you're upset and have sympathy.

But on the other hand, this affects your husband too. Maybe he needed to talk it over with someone outside the situation. Perhaps he needed a conversation where his feelings about it could be centred.

ShetlandWife · 15/01/2021 12:00

When your DH was diagnosed with his illness, did you speak about it with your family? Did you need external support for you, without adding to his stress?

He needs to get his head around it too.

I totally get your point of view, but I also totally get why he needs to talk about it to process it for himself too.

TonMoulin · 15/01/2021 12:01

@DDiva

Did you ask him not too ?

I wouldnt think to keep it a secret unless asked too....

On the other side, if you need to always tell your partner about what they can cant do, this will become very tedious quickly.

That's why people usually have some sort of non spoken agreement that some subjects are just no-go areas and you don't share with others.

I think that leaving it less than 24 hours is very little time, esp as I imagine the DH would have seen how distraught the OP was at the news.
Leaving her getting her head around it, just like you would for many other bad news is just 'nice'.

TonMoulin · 15/01/2021 12:02

@ShetlandWife, do you reslly think it would be OK for the OP to talk aboit it within a day though?
I would have thought that such a devastating news like her DH illness is something you start getting your head around as a couple first. And THEN you get support outside.

Just like the redundancy really.

Iwonder08 · 15/01/2021 12:03

OP, it is your privacy and not his place to disclose this information. You are absolutely right to be annoyed

ramblingsonthego · 15/01/2021 12:05

You are not being unreasonable. I have just been through this exact thing and I asked husband not to say anything until I had a plan. Of course he told people and it caused some issues. It is a horrible feeling.

I hope you find a new job soon xxxx

Calmandmeasured1 · 15/01/2021 12:06

Did you ask your husband to keep it private until you got your head around it? If so, fair enough for you to be annoyed. If not then YABU. Your husband is too sick to work and could be desperately worried about you losing your job and need to talk to someone.

BlingLoving · 15/01/2021 12:07

Normally I'd say you're being unfair as a) it's not something that needs to be a secret and b) he has the right to talk about things that impact him.

However, I don't blame you for being upset as it's so entirely new. You found out last night and he's already spreading the news. I get that. DH can be a bit like this sometimes and it's not that I don't want him to tell people, I just want a tiny bit of time to get my own head round things. I guess to understand what I'm thinking or feeling a bit better. Not weeks or months, but a day or two. When I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant, he really really wanted to tell our immediate families IMMEDIATELY because he was so excited and I just wanted 24 hours to process the reality of it. I got 12 hours in the end!

Doffodils · 15/01/2021 12:07

[quote TonMoulin]@ShetlandWife, do you reslly think it would be OK for the OP to talk aboit it within a day though?
I would have thought that such a devastating news like her DH illness is something you start getting your head around as a couple first. And THEN you get support outside.

Just like the redundancy really.[/quote]
My DH is in hospital after a devastating diagnosis. The first thing I did, literally within minutes, was call my mum and we're not particularly close but I needed someone and it couldn't be DH.

Scarlettpixie · 15/01/2021 12:07

I think him telling His DS is normal unless you specifically asked him not to.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/01/2021 12:08

Unless you specifically asked him not to tell anyone yet then YABU. Sorry about your job though

Original poster

Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 12:09

Thank you everyone I just feel so shaky and emotional about it anyway so wondered if I was overreacting! Found out literally late yesterday afternoon so it's hardly been any time. In terms of DH's illness my family would ask how he's doing etc but I wouldn't go into details he wouldn't be comfortable with as that's his medical information. I just wanted some time to process it by myself and as a couple before telling anyone else so I didn't think I'd have to spell it out as it's my news if that makes sense?

OP posts:

ancientgran · 15/01/2021 12:13

@Upset2021

Thanks for your replies, I just wish he'd asked me first as I haven't even told anyone yet, I just wanted to get my head round it a bit first, it's not that I'm not going to tell people iyswim

I absolutely get how you feel. I suppose it is one of those occasions where it is a breakdown in communication, you wanted time to process about it, he didn't realise how you felt.

He should apologise but I don't think he's deliberately tried to upset you, well I hope not.

Hope everything is OK going forward, redundancy out of the blue is alot to get your head round.

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