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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DH telling his DS about my redundancy?

58 replies

Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 11:37

Found out last night I'm getting made redundant from my job of 15 years out of the blue. Feel so upset and haven't got my head round it yet and not told any family or friends. Today I found out DH has told his adult DS about it, without asking or telling me he was doing so. AIBU to be so annoyed at him for doing this?! My head's all over the place as I'm the only wage earner (DH can't work due to long term illness) .

OP posts:
Rosebel · 15/01/2021 12:15

Gosh. I told my mum when my husband was made redundant. I was upset and worried and just wanted to talk to someone who would understand but wasn't directly involved
It didn't even occur to me to ask my husband if it was okay. He didn't mind though, it's not really something you can easily keep secret.

TheVanguardSix · 15/01/2021 12:16

I would be annoyed too, OP. But I guess his adult DS is a trusting person to whom DH can offload things. I get that. He needed to let you process first and wasn't really thinking. I wouldn't beat him up about it though. It's a big deal for both of you and a great loss after 15 years. This is extraordinarily tough for you and I'm so sorry that you're facing this. Your DH is on your side. Try not to lose sight of that. Flowers

ShetlandWife · 15/01/2021 12:16

*do you reslly think it would be OK for the OP to talk aboit it within a day though?
I would have thought that such a devastating news like her DH illness is something you start getting your head around as a couple first. And THEN you get support outside.

Just like the redundancy really*

Just like everything, different people react in different ways and need different things.

I am not going to stand in judgement of someone getting the support they need, in whatever way they do that. It's entirely possible that he wanted to talk through his worries without stressing the op further.

People deal with things in different ways. And sometimes the kind of support someone needs isn't going to come from their partner, precisely because of what the partner is going through.

So yes, I think, unless op specified otherwise, it's okay to talk about it within a day with a close family member. It's not like it was posted on social media.

KatherineSiena · 15/01/2021 12:17

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Of course it affects him too but he could have waited a day or so for you to process and get over the immediate shock.

I hope that you begin to feel a little stronger and that you have a bit of a cushion with some redundancy pay. Hopefully the future will pick up and you can find alternative employment. 💐

vanillandhoney · 15/01/2021 12:31

Sorry for your bad news Flowers

But I do think it's normal to share stuff like that with friends or family - especially as you now have no income coming in - he must be quite worried and maybe didn't want to burden you any further?

I hope you find something soon.

CheetasOnFajitas · 15/01/2021 12:33

You’re shocked and upset but you are focusing your anger in the wrong thing/person.

Sorry to hear what happened and hope you can find a way through this.

Laurendelight · 15/01/2021 12:43

For me I would be upset that he seems to have immediately gone and told someone outside of both of yours trusted spaces. I would fully expect him to tell his son but maybe not within a couple of hours of me hearing the news and wanting to process it. I would wander if he's using his son as a sounding board (fine) instead of me (not fine).

MrsBrunch · 15/01/2021 12:47

I expect he was in shock too and worried. Perhaps he wanted to seek support from his son rather than his wife who he could tell was already struggling herself. It's not like he announced it on fb or something.

I think you are focussing on this as a way of directing your anger. I hope you haven't given him too much grief for this as what he did was perfectly natural and lots of people would do the same.

Catty1720 · 15/01/2021 12:54

He maybe just needed someone to talk to about it as well while you had time to process. I’m sure it wasn’t done in a nasty way at all.

KatherineJaneway · 15/01/2021 12:57

For some, when they get made redundant, even though they know it is the role that is made redundant, it feels personal; even more so if you have been there a long time. It is a lot to get your head around and accept.

unmarkedbythat · 15/01/2021 12:58

I think unless you specifically said "do not talk to anyone about this" then YABU.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/01/2021 13:06

Been there with redundancy and the initial shock/embarrassment leave you feeling very confused for sometime. Practically, your dh telling his son today or telling him tomorrow won't change those feelings. It can actually be a relief once everyone knows.

It is something that will impact both of you so it is his news too, maybe he needed someone else to talk to so I don't think he was unreasonable.

I get it OP. This is your news. It’s unsettling and you need to get your head around how YOU want it positioned with other people.

Genuine people don't "position" news with their family, it is what it is and her dh's "position" won't necessarily be the same as the OP.

peak2021 · 15/01/2021 13:09

Reasonable to have said 'I'm going to let DS know' and give you the option to say 'not yet please'.

Original poster
Upset2021 · 15/01/2021 13:14

Yes I think it also the fact he didn't tell me he was telling his DS, I get how it wouldn't be a big deal to some and I will be telling people obviously but at least I'd have liked to be aware that he was doing that. He could see I didn't even feel able to tell my family yet as I spent the evening crying on the sofa, know that sounds daft but it was just a shock

OP posts:
AttackOfTheFloppyKnob · 15/01/2021 13:15

Yabu.

It's overwhelming for your partner too, he's probably feeling really useless right now as.he can't earn. It's understandable he'd want to confide in those closest to him.......if he'd told the postman or something you'd have a point.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/01/2021 13:15

I just wanted some time to process it by myself and as a couple before telling anyone else so I didn't think I'd have to spell it out as it's my news if that makes sense?

I'm with you OP. Its not a matter of expecting him to keep it "secret" but blurting it out straightaway to his family is not reasonable. You need a bit of time to process these things and work out how to deal with them if only to avoid a million questions which make it worse.

CeibaTree · 15/01/2021 13:18

What a horrible shock for you, I can see why you'd need time to process this, however I don't think your DH has done anything wrong of you didn't specifically ask him not to mention it. He must be worried and upset too. Are you sure you are not deflecting your anger/sadness/whatever you are feeling about the redundancy onto this minor issue?

SetRisk · 15/01/2021 13:19

Yanbu to want to keep the news quiet but your DH is also not being unreasonable to talk to his adult son about it.

Basically no one has been unreasonable. I’d chalk it up to experience and try and remember in future to spell things out to people if you want them to keep things secret.

Sorry to hear about your job. That must be st stressful. I hope you find something soon.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 15/01/2021 13:19

I'm sorry youve had bad news but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. If for example my partner was made redundant it would affect me too and the first thing I would do is pick up the phone to my friend or mum to talk it through. Unless I was told not to share the information of course, but I wouldn't think to ask permission for something like that.

user184628462 · 15/01/2021 13:24

I will admit that until I was made redundant myself I didn't appreciate quite how shocking and upsetting it could be, so I can get why you might not have felt equipped to handle other people knowing and potentially discussing it. You arrive at work feeling secure and go home feeling your financially security has been ripped away.

If you can find ways to feel more in control again it does help - establishing what's going to happen next, drawing up a plan to look for work, etc.

MadameBlobby · 15/01/2021 13:30

I was made redundant twice in 3.5 years and the last time I didn’t want many people to know. I didn’t tell my husband’s family until I had got another job. I understand you wanting to keep it private but maybe you should have said that to him so he’d know. I hope you’re OK, it’s horrible.

Love51 · 15/01/2021 13:30

I'm like you, op, o need to process stuff in my own head before I tell people about it. My mum thinks I'm a bit odd when I say I'm not discussing something at the moment. Luckily dh is a bit the same way as me. I don't think your DH set out to hurt you, but when you are already feeling raw the unthinking behaviour can hurt more.

Angel2702 · 15/01/2021 13:36

Completely reasonable, you said your the wage earner so in our house if my husband as the wage earner was made redundant I would be extremely worried and would definitely speak to a family member about it.

Brefugee · 15/01/2021 13:46

Sorry to hear your news, Upset. It is like a punch to the stomach. I hope you find something new quickly. Any chance of taking a month or two off?

(if it helps: i lost my job due to Covid in September but started a new job this month. There are good ones out there. Good luck!)

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2021 13:53

He’s not done anything wrong it’s just you’re upset and embarrassed about it. He likely didn’t know it was a secret and is as worried as you.

Try not to focus on the wrong thing, 💐