WIBU to stop my 17 year old getting a motorbike?

[RemarkableLemur]

My 17 year old DS wants to get a 125cc motorbike. I really don't want him to, I think they're way too dangerous, particularly for his age group. Two of his close friends both have one.

He turns 18 in the first half of this year. He says he'll ask for more hours at work so he can save for one. He's very stubborn and determined.

WIBU to resort to quite mean tactics to stop him getting a bike? The only ideas I've had are too mean for me to genuinely consider, but here they are:

• Make him pay rent when he turns 18 so he can't afford the bike
• Take back my offer of financial help to go to uni unless he agrees not to buy a bike
• Arrange for some thugs to steal his new bike

Obviously this is tongue in cheek. Anyone got any better ideas?!

I've said I'll pay the difference in price between the cost of a bike and a car as a car would be safer, but he's obsessed with the idea of a bike.

We agreed lots of checking in!! Ds text on arriving at work. Text when he got home. I never ever didn't answer a call from him. He broke down once and a lovely lady at the services let him keep warm inside and gave him coffees while waiting to the AA.. Yabu to assume your dc is reckless and not able to decide he wants a bike.

Thanks for that link Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails - I have looked at some statistics but so far I had only seen numbers of deaths and accidents, without the overall number of bikers.

I've seen one article that says that out of 100 people riding 10km per year, 1 person will die. One out of 100 sounds pretty grim to me. And the same article talks about the deaths being mainly in young men, and most accidents and deaths being in that 17-25 age group. So that's what made me feel that out of that 100 men, my son would be the 1 to die (cause he's young and also he's hopeless with space and being observant).

But I do need to spend more time finding good stats, and getting my head round them, so will start with that link from IAM and spend time over the weekend looking.

I'm sure people will think I'm being overdramatic, but the way this makes me feel makes me wish I'd never had children. I just keep imagining being called to a hospital or mortuary. Also, selfishly, I worry about having to look after him if he's brain damaged and having my own life ruined.

I think that all you can, and IMO should, is talk with him about the risks, and then let him make his own decision. Surely that's what parenting adults is all about?

We can't and I don't think should, stop our adult children from doing perfectly legal things. Yes, it's risky, but risks can't, and shouldn't, be avoided, only managed by awareness and knowlegde.

They are dangerous. My brother died on his when he was 21. Nothing and nobody would have stopped him, he was motor bike mad. He had a car as well but bikes were his passion.

You can do whatever you like now but you can’t control the rest of his life and if it’s what he wants he’ll get one some time.

I was your son. My parents couldn't say anything as dad is a biker and mum was an enthusiastic pillion. But even with that they admit they worried sick every time I went out. My dad lost his bestie to a bike accident when they were 19.

I've ridden motorbikes and cycled for 20+ years with only two relatively minor accidents. However when younger, I took some absolute liberties that could have easily ended with my demise, or causing harm to others. You really do think you're invincible when young, and riding recklessly is compounded when riding with peers.
These days I ride as one should and have touch wood, not come close to an accident in years.

Over half of all bike accidents come from riders using 50-125cc machines (ie Young with only CBT) The combination of youthfulness and lack of advanced training ramps up the chance of an accident significantly, sadly.

If you forbid him whilst under your roof you of course run the risk of resentment, especially once he's 18. I sympathise but once he's adult he should make his own decisions. The best you can hope for is its a phase becaise of his mates and he ends up going the car route.

I had one at that age and paid for it myself - you can't stop him but you could encourage safe use. If you can support him to drive that may help but you'll just have to let him go - it's part of growing up.

Motorcyclist here.

I think he will end up getting a motorcycle one way or another before long so you need to make sure he properly understands the importance of being a responsible biker. In my opinion, he shouldn't do it if he doesn't absolutely love the idea of having a bike and, if he had enough time and money, would rather have a car. He needs to know the Highway Code very well before he even attempts the CBT, so that he is safe on the road and doesn't do anything unsafe. The CBT is extremely basic - when I did it, you took it in half a day and then, if you had satisfied the trainers, you were allowed to ride the bike with provisional licence on the road by yourself. At this point you are still hugely inexperienced and will make mistakes - knowing the Highway Code very well beforehand will make you much safer. Staying safe while biking is a matter of being very observant and anticipating problems to avoid (which can only come with experience) and leaving your ego very firmly at home. You have to be quite "defensive", i.e. notice a car is edging closer to you or a car might be about to pull out in front of you and be ready to avoid or to slow down and brake. He must assume cars just don't notice him most of the time and not think that just because the driver is looking straight at him, he has really registered that he is there. Encourage him to talk to older experienced bikers about biking rather than his mates - lifelong bikers are very happy to share any tips and encourage safe biking (and to listen to advice from the trainers taking him for CBT). Is there a biker meeting place near your area (we have a bikers' tea hut and most areas the bikers will have a meet up place)? Talking to experienced bikers is very encouraging and they are always friendly and supportive. There is a big camaraderie. It would be a very good idea for him to have some lessons, once he has his CBT, with the trainers on being a safe biker. Also very important is that he wears proper protective gear, gloves, boots and a good helmet every single time he is on the bike, regardless of weather temperature. I see a lot of young bikers who have not taken time to learn and find out how to ride safely (the police do a good course for bikers once they have been biking a while which gives them more pointers for riding safely - many very experienced bikers do this, sometimes more than once). You might also point out to him that, unfortunately, the insurance premiums for people in his age group is really prohibitive and that is because so very many of them ride like idiots and cause a lot of accidents. Having a good bike riding record is a thing to be grateful for and proud of, not racing your mates or cutting people up.

Having said that, in 26 years of biking to work from outer suburb to Central London in rush hour traffic, I have only had 2 minor accidents (neither my fault - no-one injured) and 1 (also not my fault - car pulled out of side road and went straight across the front of me) in which I was injured (broken hip, which healed completely). So, if he rides his bike sensibly, he will probably have a good chance of remaining in one piece.

Hell, I’ve spent decades trying to block (without seeming to obvs) my dp’s sporadic interest in getting a bike (which I understand as the child of a motorbike riding dad). I’d quite like a bike myself. Just remembered I had a moped for a few years when 17/18. But the danger partic in cramped over crowded roads here in U.K. always always prevail in my mind now.
no suggestions but good luck op - the younger the more dangerous. The statistics are awful.

I've told my boys from a young age that they are never riding bikes. I've known of too many deaths.

They have so far respected my wishes.

@GretaSheen

I've told my boys from a young age that they are never riding bikes. I've known of too many deaths.

They have so far respected my wishes.

Me too. Hope they listen

Yanbu....help him buy a car...

Married to a biker. He commutes on one every day and has one that is specifically for racing / track days.

My heart is in my mouth when he's out on it - not because he's reckless, but because of other people on the roads.

However, DH is a very careful rider and never, ever takes risks. He actually recommended a friend of mine do a bike safe course and that totally changed the way he thought about riding. Perhaps DS could look at something like that?

Do everything you can to dissuade him. I used to nurse people who had sustained head and spinal injuries following bike accidents. It wasn't good. I've told my two sons that I wouldn't ever help them get a bike and I'd actively sabotage any efforts they made to have one. I'm not over protective in the slightest, but I couldn't stand a motorbike.

It depends where you live and what the point of transport is for. In our semi rural situation getting kitted up to ride a bike takes 10 minutes longer than getting into a cheap runaround car to get the shopping and then trying to carry the shopping home in a rucksack.

When we lived in London a bike would mean a 10 minute journey when it would take 40 mins in a car.

Depends on the purpose and the point.

Its 40 year old men having a midlife crisis who die on bikes

@RemarkableLemur

Thanks for that link Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails - I have looked at some statistics but so far I had only seen numbers of deaths and accidents, without the overall number of bikers.

I've seen one article that says that out of 100 people riding 10km per year, 1 person will die. One out of 100 sounds pretty grim to me. And the same article talks about the deaths being mainly in young men, and most accidents and deaths being in that 17-25 age group. So that's what made me feel that out of that 100 men, my son would be the 1 to die (cause he's young and also he's hopeless with space and being observant).

But I do need to spend more time finding good stats, and getting my head round them, so will start with that link from IAM and spend time over the weekend looking.

I'm sure people will think I'm being overdramatic, but the way this makes me feel makes me wish I'd never had children. I just keep imagining being called to a hospital or mortuary. Also, selfishly, I worry about having to look after him if he's brain damaged and having my own life ruined.

Riding style makes a huge differnce. Biggest cause of accidents for motorcycles is right of way violation by another vehicle. This can be massively reduced by choosing where and how you ride but is always a risk. (car drivers are the most incompetent group of people doing the most dangerous activity they will do in thier lives, nd half the time they're on the phone)

The next biggest is loss of control in a corner, fortunately that one 99% is in the riders control.

Yabu to stop him getting q bike at 17, IF you don't want him to ride for the rest of his life. Nothing will kill his enthusiasm faster than having to ride a 125.

If you make him wait he can do his A1 instead of A2 (or das if he leaves it longer) and be right onto a big bike.

Which he won't get bored off and he will be on something that does 0 -60 in under 3 seconds that he got for £2k because he was broke.

@tararabumdeay

It depends where you live and what the point of transport is for. In our semi rural situation getting kitted up to ride a bike takes 10 minutes longer than getting into a cheap runaround car to get the shopping and then trying to carry the shopping home in a rucksack.

When we lived in London a bike would mean a 10 minute journey when it would take 40 mins in a car.

Depends on the purpose and the point.

Nearly all the big manufacturers make casual clothes now days as modern synthetics are up to the task

Getting geared up is litteraly putting a helmet and gloves on vs a car. As jacket jeans/leggings boots csn all be regular wear.

Several generations of my family have owned motorbikes (including myself and my late nan ). I broke my sternum and wrist in an accident, my uncle broke his arm, my mum and her brother both had friends who were in fatal accidents... but it never deterred anyone in the family from getting a bike too when they were old enough!

For a while, I worked in a vehicle recovery company, dispatching drivers to breakdowns/accidents. Several times a month I’d send a driver out to a fatal bike accident. The number of times the drivers had to help the police find body parts....

Point being, it’s hard to talk someone out of something they’re set on, even if they are made aware of all the risks. Despite the above, I also know a lot of very safe riders who have had years of enjoyment from riding bikes.

He doesn't have good long-distance eyesight which worries me, and he's never been very observant or spatially aware.

Honestly, I’d say No with love and bribery. Start paying for driving lessons now. Get a car or lend your own. Say No again.

One thing about him having a bike and taking a test at 17/18 is he probably won't want to do the other tests to get a 'big' bike.

My kids have all ridden pillion with me since their legs were long enough to touch the pegs. They've helped with repairs & maintenance of my bikes & looked after their own kit. I met my partner through bikes, most of my friends ride bikes & I honestly couldn't imagine my life without them. It might be a passing phase for your son but if it's something he really wants to do & it gets under his skin it'll become a big part of his life. You'll need to choose between accepting that or loosing him because it's not a little hobby or a simple means of transport, it's a way of life.

Saying that, I'd be worried if my children got a bike without pilly experience or knowledge about kit. I suppose all that you can do is ensure he gets the best training available. Find your local lady biker group on social media & ask loads of questions. I guarantee you they'll be a lovely group of people & will be happy to reassure you & recommend local training schools. Careful though.... you might like the camaraderie so much that you end up getting a bike yourself. A lot of lady bikers start out in an 'if you can't beat them, join them' situation.

I bet this has been said, and sorry if so, but could you pay for one of those two week intensive learn to drive a car courses for him?

I would definitely be charging him rent unless in full time education. I don't think you're being unreasonable- I know a lovely lady whose son was killed on his motorbike (he was 25). I once read somewhere that paramedics refer to motorbike riders as organ donors. It's very dangerous.

Ds1 wanted one. Dh said no and said he'd teach him to drive and help him get a car instead.

Dh used to have mopeds when he was young, and we used to have a Harley Davidson Fat Boy together (which was owned by Robbie Williams but he sold it because he didn't actually have a licence, he hadn't completed his Motorbike training) so Dh and i both like bikes. But Dh knows how dangerous they are.

Or rather how irresponsible many 17-21 years olds are on them!

Yes, they are dangerous - BUT.... I got my license when I was 16, before that I had accompanied my parents on the back of their bikes every once in a while for years. I used my motorbike to go everywhere and for everything, I soon learned the downfalls (freezing cold, wet, no space, limited clothes, once the snow is really deep unusable) and was glad to get my car. However (!) it’s made me a much better driver. I am still, many years later, in the habit of scanning the road surface for hazards, I always drive with lights on to make myself more visible and I always assume a car might pull out and miss me. I also always keep a decent distance.
So in short: it depends on your son. Do you think he is sensible and will understand he needs to be twice as careful as anyone else (ie my husband I wouldn’t ever let on a bike!) or do you think he’ll use it to show off?