WIBU to stop my 17 year old getting a motorbike?

[RemarkableLemur]

My 17 year old DS wants to get a 125cc motorbike. I really don't want him to, I think they're way too dangerous, particularly for his age group. Two of his close friends both have one.

He turns 18 in the first half of this year. He says he'll ask for more hours at work so he can save for one. He's very stubborn and determined.

WIBU to resort to quite mean tactics to stop him getting a bike? The only ideas I've had are too mean for me to genuinely consider, but here they are:

• Make him pay rent when he turns 18 so he can't afford the bike
• Take back my offer of financial help to go to uni unless he agrees not to buy a bike
• Arrange for some thugs to steal his new bike

Obviously this is tongue in cheek. Anyone got any better ideas?!

I've said I'll pay the difference in price between the cost of a bike and a car as a car would be safer, but he's obsessed with the idea of a bike.

Not unreasonable at all. I have told my 3 boys from being about 5 that they are never to ride one of those death traps. I wouldn’t allow them to live in my house and own a bike, I absolutely hate them (I witnessed someone killed in a bike accident when I was about 10 as it happened outside my school). My cousin has severe ongoing issues with a shattered arm after a bike accident, and a friend was hit by a bus on one and took years to recover. They are hideous.

I would happily withdraw all financial support if they went against my wishes. I don’t care about anything else they do, even if I don’t agree, but I feel so strongly about bikes.

Fortunately DS17 has gone for a car and not a bike.

A friend of mine died a few years ago on a bike. He loved his bike and as a hobby He wanted to be a blood bike rider, whizzing donations between hospitals etc in emergencies to make sure they got where they needed etc. Went to all the clubs, was incredibly popular. It broke my heart sitting at his funeral, he was buried in the day he was supposed to be married and was just 25. Took a while for the inquest etc but we eventually found out the accident wasn't his fault. He was on winding country lanes and an articulated lorry wandered over the central line and as he rounded the corner he got hit head on. Died instantly and was pulverised.

I loved that young man like he was my own. He was best friends with my nephew that lived with us as a teen. I bought him the kit he needed to get started in college and he ate all my food and stunk up my couch as he slept on it so often and he was so funny and selfless. Then he just wasn't anything. He wasn't married, wasn't a husband or a dad or a granddad or a blood bank rider.

The day he died my opinion on bikes changed forever. I had a crosser as a kid. Bloody loved it. Dated multiple bikers and spent hours at clubs and events. My dad had a huyabusa . Bikes were a huge part of my life but I'd never known anybody personally that had been seriously hurt. I'm so thankful that my kids have no interest in bikes in any way shape or form. If my husband wanted a bike it would be a deal breaker but he wouldn't even ask, losing Toto in a bike smash was hard on everybody that new him.

Could people please knock it off with the “organ donor” jokes, it’s incredibly disrespectful to anyone who has lost a friend or loved one to a motorcycle crash.

Yes, doctors and police use black humour to cope. It doesn’t need to be shared here.

YANBU I work with neurosurgeons who hate motorbikes with a passion and I'd worry about someone of his age driving it safely.

However he will be an adult so you can't stop him, maybe try and persuade him to be patient with driving lessons and if you can help get a car for him.

YANBU - Very dangerous and sorry but especially in the hands of a 17 year old boy.

My ex boyfriend got a motorcycle at age 17 - he is now dead - motorbike accident.

My dad's best friend - dead - motorbike accident

Ex-boyfriend's BIL - full body cast for 6 months after breaking nearly every bone in his body - motorbike accident. This also shaved two inches off the bottom of his motorbike helmet because he skidded chin-first along the road and had he not been wearing that helmet it would have been his face.

My Dad - massive scar on thigh from the metal rod inserted after a motorbike accident.

@MrsPinkCock - can I ask more about the idea of withdrawing financial support? Would you say your DC had to pay rent? Get them to pay for their own meals and toilet roll etc at home? Refuse to help them with uni fees in future?

I feel I have two options

1. watch while he buys a bike and feel sick and terrified and hate the sight of the bike outside my house, and the leathers and helmet inside my house, never sleep again, wait for him to die on the roads
2. somehow block this while he still lives at home and have him hate me (but stay alive for a bit longer)

I am currently exploring the idea of number 2. However, I think there are a lot of negatives - it puts me at war with my son, possibly makes him want a bike even more (rather than trying it out and deciding he doesn't like it), and doesn't sit well with me as someone who has always given her sons freedom to make their own decisions.

As others have pointed out, he can’t get on the road at the moment as you have to take a CBT before you can ride even on L-Plates and those are all closed until the lockdown lifts. So you have a bit of time.

Please don’t destroy your relationship over this. If his mates ride he’ll want to ride.

You don’t want him to ride so the middle path, if you have a good relationship otherwise, is to say to him that if he chooses this he needs to pay for it himself, and he needs to wear proper safety gear for every ride - which he needs to pay for as well. That shows that he’s not got your support without going to the extremes of throwing him out.

Yes, bikers are more vulnerable than car drivers. But the biggest killer of young men is car accidents so it’s about the balance of risks.

I've ridden bikes since I was 5YO. I'm now almost 60. My mum didn't like bikes, but reasoned that the harder she pushed against it the more I would want one. I'd say encourage him to get, and wear all the gear all the time. Proper training and continued training are brilliant. I still do further training to maintain my skills st every year.

My ds had bikes for a few years from 17. No issue.
New car he crashed after 3 weeks.
Decent lessons.
Decent leathers.
Decent helmet...
Ultimately he needs to make his own choices..

I've ridden big motorbikes all my life, I gave up last year as I'd got to almost 60 without being killed and thought enough is enough.
17 is too young. I've lost countless biker friends in RTAs.
The younger they are the more likely to have an accident.
I would say to him no bikes until you've left home.
It's not just about the rider, cars don't "see" you, people pull out of you, you have to have very refined reflexes and be a very experienced rider to be even marginally safe.
I'm glad my own son never got into it.

He’s in his late teens so he believes he’s immortal and it won’t happen to him. I was exactly the same. I rode bikes for 20 years, even after DS was born. Even knowing that my Dad had had a number of big crashes, seeing a dear friend suffer life changing injuries, seeing my brother come a cropper and break bones. Even having a crash of my own that was not in anyway my fault but still resulted in injury. I’m happy to be called a recklessly idiotic prannet because that is exactly what I was. Then one day I woke up and realised how insane I was being and hung up my leathers there and then.

No amount of statistics and horror stories will change his view because he believes it won’t happen to him. The big problem with bikes is that, however good a rider you are, you can’t ride round other road users and on a bike you are vulnerable. Therefore all you can do is ensure that he is as protected as he can be. Good leathers, gloves, boots, crash helmet are a must. The bike should be mechanically sound and checked over regularly (my friend forgot to check his Jesus nut, now he can’t walk). Bikes are a pretty miserable form of transport when it’s cold and wet so if it’s his sole transport he may well get over it fairly quickly anyway.

Talk to him OP, but don't stop him.
Explain that it’s not him, but other road users that make you nervous, and that you will be worrying from the minute he rides off until the minute he gets home.
Make sure he does his cbt and has all the correct safety clothing; helmet, jacket, trousers, boots and gloves, and make that a non-negotiable condition of riding instead.
IME the complete faff of having to don all the protective clothing is what eventually drives them towards learning to drive a car (that and winter!), and most 18 year olds can’t afford to run both!

I was that 17 year old.
I loved my bike. I feel he will. Just ride his friends of you stop him, ensure he gets his CBT training, buy him full gear - (don't skimp it'll. Save his skin when he comes off and he will) but it was the first freedom I ever felt, I spent ages polishing that bike, yes I fell off and sadly for some there is more injury but you can just as easily die crossing the road in my opinion. You can't protect him forever.
My parents hate me riding but it's my decision, plus cheaper to run than a car, and easier to park :)

Have you told him that you will not be able to cope with the worry. Some boys don't want to upset their mothers.

Alternatively and preferably in my opinion, just forbid him.It is perfectly feasible to ban him from having a motor bike while he lives at your home. He doesn't need to pay more rent. Just tell him he can't have one while he lives in your house. Just as you would if he wanted to take cocaine. Explain that the worry would kill you, and let him know you mean it.

Is this a realistic dream of his. Is he good on a pedal bike (sorry - old-fashioned term i know)? Does he have a good sense of balance? If he is a sensible, sporty boy, you have much less to worry about.

That said I thought Nat6999's post on the first page was spot on. Particularly if he is going to have a gap year (obvs not 2020). Better he learns to ride a motor bike now than tries to keep up with new friends on a gap year when he doesn't know what he is doing.

Offer to fund a car instead?

Why not match his savings (or increase them) if he spends on a car?

(However exciting riding a bike is, there are also many exciting advantages to having an extra seat.)

He is still at risk on the roads in a car but much less vulnerable. (My DH is/was a very keen biker - from that age- but admits that the roads are faster/busier and more dangerous than when he started.)

Would it be safer if he joined some sort of club where they ride on a track, rally type thing? At least then there's no cars and lorries to collide with and there are people on standby to help?

It's important to get him through his car test, whether or not he gets a bike.

Uhhuhoyaye thank you so much, I like your idea of just outright banning it while he's at home, I didn't feel I could, but when you compare it to cocaine like that, I can see that I could do this.

I've already said I'll 100% fund a car to stop him getting a bike but he's not interested.

He's been riding a pushbike for years, but in Sept last year he came off it and broke his arm, he made a stupid mistake.

He wants to go away in March 2021 for his gap year and I think he doesn't realise that even breaking his arm or leg at that time will make that impossible.

Someone asked where he wants to go on it - I think he envisages going off with his friends this summer, just riding around on motorbikes, going to random towns on them.

Oh also, forgot to say, at least his two friends with bikes are sensible - he knows he needs all the safety gear.

He doesn't have good long-distance eyesight which worries me, and he's never been very observant or spatially aware. I feel certain that if he gets a bike he will die or be injured, though I keep trying to remind myself that there is a chance, statistically, that he could get a bike and stay alive / not have brain damage / not lose limbs.

Some one is likely to point out that cocaine is illegal and motorcycling isn't but that is a a matter for the Government and Parliament.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to say that both are very dangerous and he doesn't do either while he lives under your roof.

I still think Nat6999 got it right, but he is your son and it is your worry, so your decision.

I would do everything I could to persuade him not to. They are extremely dangerous. I have lost a family member and a close friend to motorbike accidents.

I get your concern, my dm isn't happy I ride pillion with my dp!

But is it reasonable to stop an 18 year old, no, instead I would suggest helping him to get good tuition, safety gear (racing standard helmet rather than a cheap one, back protector etc) and encourage him to talk to older bikers who know about accidents etc my friend lost his arm (still rides). Ridden well they are a lot safer and at least he can't be driving 3 friends around as happens in cars being distracted!

Remarkable, you say you feel certain he will be killed or injured if he gets a bike. Would it help for both of you to look at the stats? There are about 1 million bikers in the UK. Every year about 300 of them are killed as a result of an accident. While that’s obviously awful, a licence isn’t an automatic death sentence.

There is a ton of information here from the IAM.

www.iamroadsmart.com/docs/default-source/research-reports/iam-motorcycling-facts-2009.pdf?sfvrsn=99dffa50_2