To feel ashamed that my 2 year old receives funding?

[Mozfan]

My partner is on an embarrassingly low wage. We both have mental health issues. He’s stuck in a rut with depression on top and I left my job shortly before the first lockdown due to severe anxiety and PND.
His job pays very little for what he does.

We both went to university and come from reasonably well off families.

However, we now qualify for childcare hours for our 2 year old DS. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful we have it, it gives us both a break and our son gets a lot from it.
But I still can’t shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s ridiculous really.
I guess it’s because the nursery informed me they have visits from the health visitor and she comes specifically to check on the funded 2 year olds, as they are seen as ‘vulnerable’ and with less advantages.

I’m going to get a job as soon as I can, but covid has thrown an unfortunate spanner in the works.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I think people who need help, should get help. Right now, your family needs help. I'm sure you'd be empathic towards someone else in similar circumstances - allow yourself to be kind to YOU, too.

You’re dealing with the present but that doesn’t prevent you trying to change the future. Rather than dwell on it, use it as motivation to move forward.

Well, feelings aren't reasonable and don't have to be. You feel what you feel. It would be unreasonable to unnecessarily deprive your DC of something that helps them because of that feeling, but it doesn't seem you are.

I hope your health improves and you're successful in finding a job.

Your partner works despite having a MH condition, that’s not embarrassing.

With two parents with poor MH it’s good your family is being supported so your child gets the best opportunities to develop and thrive. Your situation is what it is, hopefully the hours he’s getting help a bit.

Do you judge the parents of the other children getting funding?

@Ahwelltoobad

I think people who need help, should get help. Right now, your family needs help. I'm sure you'd be empathic towards someone else in similar circumstances - allow yourself to be kind to YOU, too.

@Ahwelltoobad has hit the nail right on the head - you deserve as much kindness as you would give to other people, @Mozfan.

Personally - I am glad to be part of a society that doesn’t let people fall through the gaps - or tries not to, at least.

How do you feel looking at other parents on low-wages receiving the funding?
Do you feel you are 'different' to them somehow?
Maybe they also have a university education but are in similar situations to you?
Do you judge them?

Dont be embarrassed, you're doing your best and you have plans to make it better.

I don’t want to vote because you feel what you feel. As someone who works in a nursery school where we have many funded 2 years please don’t worry. Our 2 year olds love coming to nursery and playing with their friends. No one know who is funded and who is paying, and it makes no difference at all to the quality of care they get from staff. Everyone gets high quality care.

I don't think there is anything to be embarrassed about. You probably would struggle to pay the nursery fees otherwise and you and your partner sound like you could use a break. Tbf, we get 3 year funding and dh and I collectively earn very well and in no way would struggle to pay for full time nursery and we still claim the funding, because we're eligible for it and it certainly helps. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. At the moment, things are really hard. We can all use a little help.

You seem to acknowledge that your situation is not how you’d ideally like it to be, and you have plans to improve it. You are being given a bit of support to help you move those plans forward.
When I got the 2 yr funding, I also felt like it was a bit of a message that I was a ‘less successful’ parent, but in the end it allowed me to quit an evenings only job I hated and which stopped me being around for my kids, and enabled me to take up a better job during school hours, and have a happier family life.
As a parent of older children too, I know my youngest is having a pretty good childhood, and I’m grateful that the 2 yr old funding made a difference to our family.

I don’t know how one works on confidence building, but I think this is the key; if you feel confident that your child is being nourished physically and emotionally, then it might be easier to let go of feelings of shame and inadequacy.

At this moment in time you need the help, take it. I had to do the same as a lone parent when my kids were young, I have a degree and two masters, yet at the time I needed the support and was very grateful to receive it. I got back in my feet and no longer needed them. That’s the purpose of benefits. School got pupil premiums for 6 years (I think) so my DCs were classed as vulnerable but this has never bothered me as both their primary & secondary have given brilliant pastoral care to my DCs.

Try to change your perception and see it for what it is, a stepping stone.

YABVVVU in the nicest possibly way. The funding is there to help, as are the health visitors. I know the world ‘vulnerable’ conjures up all sorts of negative connotations, but it really isn’t meant in that way at all in this case.
Please don’t feel shame or embarrassment, be kind to yourself MH issues are tough and services have been cut to the bone, so take any and all help that makes your lives easier.
Wishing you luck in your new job search

@Spied interesting point. maybe op feels she's let her own expectations down and is judging herself harshly. I had a funded place for my dd and I went to uni! I never even thought of feeling bad about myself or judging others and was pleased she got the opportunity

It’s there for people in your situation. Your children will benefit- win win.

Your feelings are your feelings, so you cant be being unreasonable. But please dont be embarrassed, I dont think anyone would think twice about people who use funded hours.

I think you need to do what's best for your child & not project it onto yourself & DH feelings.

If DS does get funding does that not free you up to do some work? It might help gain some confidence.

In school we do focus a lot on disadvantaged students. So no other parents would ever know but teachers would be aware. However again it's not a bad thing - it just means the child gets the support they need. But we do get a list & part of our performance management might for example include something we have done to support that group of students.

What job does DH do? There might be better paid jobs that aren't as stressful?

I think with everything closed at least in nursery the little ones can progress.

@Ahwelltoobad

I think people who need help, should get help. Right now, your family needs help. I'm sure you'd be empathic towards someone else in similar circumstances - allow yourself to be kind to YOU, too.

This exactly.

You have plans to get a job, and that's great. Your looking to the future, but accept the help now that will help you get there. Give you time to look for jobs, go to interviews, look at courses if that's what you want to do.

Don't be embarrassed, your husbands works despite having mental health issues. I see that as a positive rather than something to be embarrassed about.

You have both been ill and that is what this funding is there for. Maybe once you are better you will be contributing to the funds yourself and help others who need it then. Just take the time to get better and don't worry about things for now.

I am proud to live in a country where those who can, help others, please take any help offered to you and don’t feel ashamed. You can see you have plenty of support here. Carryon with your plans to make things better for your lovely little family. Things can and will change. You can do it with help, sending lots of hugs and blessings.

You are entitled to the child care hours, don't feel guilty about it.

In the 80s I was a single parent with a baby and qualified for a heavily subsidised Nursery place in the borough. At first I worked but then I used the time to get a degree and teaching qualification ensuring that I was self-sufficient thereafter. I am eternally grateful to Lewisham Borough Council for giving me that opportunity and don't feel at all guilty about it. You should use those hours to do whatever you need to do to get yourself in a better place, nobody other than the nursery will even know about it. Good luck for the future.

I guess it’s because the nursery informed me they have visits from the health visitor and she comes specifically to check on the funded 2 year olds, as they are seen as ‘vulnerable’ and with less advantages.

Families where money is tight have significantly more challenges to deal with, and early support is a very good thing. It doesn’t mean you’re bad parents, or your child isn’t being cared for - it’s about recognising the societal and structural systems that act to keep families in poverty also disadvantage children. The funded hours are there for a reason, and provide much needed support to families who are up against it. No need to feel shame or embarrassment at all - it could be any one of us in the right set of circumstances and I’m glad that safety net is there.

My mum felt like you, so we didn’t get free school meals.

Does that sound right to you?

You are where you are. Work on what you can to improve it. Nursery for your DC will help you get some time to work on your anxiety and a bit of a breather from full time childcare.

YABU to feel embarrassed. I was single and on benefits when DS was 2 so I got the funded hours. I'm not well educated. Couldn't care less what others think.

Also what's an "embarrassingly" low wage? I earn £8.75ph and I'm not embarrassed. Bit offensive.

We had regular visits from Social Services because my daughter was disabled and had a chronic medical condition. My friend had support from SS because she was dying from cancer. Should we have been embarrassed? I think not.

I come from a country where everybody has heavily subsidised childcare and where nutritious school dinners are free for all children. The attitude is that looking after the next generation benefits everybody. They're not wrong.