To feel ashamed that my 2 year old receives funding?

[Mozfan]

My partner is on an embarrassingly low wage. We both have mental health issues. He’s stuck in a rut with depression on top and I left my job shortly before the first lockdown due to severe anxiety and PND.
His job pays very little for what he does.

We both went to university and come from reasonably well off families.

However, we now qualify for childcare hours for our 2 year old DS. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful we have it, it gives us both a break and our son gets a lot from it.
But I still can’t shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s ridiculous really.
I guess it’s because the nursery informed me they have visits from the health visitor and she comes specifically to check on the funded 2 year olds, as they are seen as ‘vulnerable’ and with less advantages.

I’m going to get a job as soon as I can, but covid has thrown an unfortunate spanner in the works.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

Life’s far too short to waste energy feeling embarrassed for needing help and support.

@Someone1987 I think there’s advice online on the gov.uk website about criteria to entitlement. We asked nursery, they sent us a form to complete and then I think they sent it to local council in our case for approval

It's early years education for your son who could be at a disadvantage rather than free childcare.

You are doing what is best for your child and that is all that matters. Things change - this isn’t forever. Make the most of what is offered and don’t worry about it.

@Mrsdoubtfireswig thank you. My son is one but with not working many hours, I'd be interested if I could send him at two as feel it'd be beneficial. Thank you for the info. X

This is exactly the type of thing I’d hope my taxes would be spent on. MH is no laughing matter and I’m glad you get a break and your son gets some time for play outside the home.

Perhaps it might be me one day who needs help. I could walk out my door tomorrow and be paralysed in a road traffic accident, or my mental health could suddenly dip. Then you might be working and paying taxes into the system of which I’ll benefit.

@Ahwelltoobad

I think people who need help, should get help. Right now, your family needs help. I'm sure you'd be empathic towards someone else in similar circumstances - allow yourself to be kind to YOU, too.

The first posts sums it up

YABU- absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s great that this exists for your son and it shows that the system is at least working a bit for some families.

There’s also no shame in being low waged. At times growing up I was on free school meals. At 30 I was claiming jobseekers. All behind me now and it doesn’t need to define you.

Concentrate on staying well and improving your mental health, and allow DS to enjoy his happy nursery days. It sounds like a very good thing for him to me. Chin up

Do not feel ashamed. You deserve help with the free hours as much as anyone.

The vulnerable thing is very household specific. My df was born in poverty - if he was born nowadays he would get the hours, FSM etc but his parents loved him to bits and he was very well brought up - lots of books at home etc. The vulnerable tag doesn’t define you or your dc at all.

Sometimes life goes in a way that is unexpected, at least your child will be able to benefit from the stable environment of the nursery. You can turn it around OP.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, I promise.

How would you respond if a friend said this to you? You’d reassure her that she and her family need help right now, it’s right to take it and nothing to feel embarrassed about, right?

Well the same applies to you so be compassionate to yourself. I understand this isn’t where you expected to be, but it is where you are now, so accept that and work on moving upwards.

YABU to feel ashamed. There’s nothing morally wrong with claiming the 2 year education. And that goes for all other families claiming it too.
You make it sound like you’re doing some thing really scummy when you’re really not.

Not what you asked about but, what degrees do you two have, from which universities and from which year?

@SnowflakeCulture

Not what you asked about but, what degrees do you two have, from which universities and from which year?

That's quite an intrusive question and not really relevant.

Look at things differently......... your partner works despite having a mental health condition.

Your son is lucky enough to have a free nursery place so you can take time for yourself and he can make friends. Some of the kids aren't as lucky to have a nice home life and need extra care.

And the nursery manager is an arsehole for overstepping the mark and saying what she said. That was unnecessary.

There's more to life than money. Don't be ashamed, ones income doesn't reflect ones value, intelligence or success.

Work on being happy and less bothered about what others think x

Not what you asked about but, what degrees do you two have, from which universities and from which year

I think you might need to explain why you would ask that before anyone would even consider answering! And even then... Potentially very outing.

OP, can you view this as a useful stepping stone rather than a millstone of embarrassment? If you are looking to find more work do do because you are confident and looking forwards rather than because you want to escape this ‘embarrassment’. Because really there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

You can’t help PND any more than you can help getting a broken leg. The assistance you are getting is to support you as you heal and get better.-

The extra checks at nursery aren’t personal about you, they are just part of the system.

Take your time to regain your strength, OP. This won’t be a forever situation. I hope things get easier soon.

Just as an outside thought, my lo goes to nursery and I have no idea which child is funded and which isn't, all I know is they have a lovely time whilst there, all leave full of smiles and excited, and if anything like my lo overtired and grumpy at bedtime ha.

The same goes for school, we have a place atm for our eldest, and again I have no idea if the children he is in class with are there due to Keyworker status or whether they are in the vulnerable category, and nor should I.

You are getting something you are entitled to, and bringing up a child can be hard work without health issues, so a little break whilst he is at nursery in your situation is allowed and absolutely fine.

Please try not to let your thoughts overrun with this, if you are having therapy/counselling etc maybe bring it up to work through them, but there is no judgement for someone accessing what is there for them x

The health visitor will be fully aware that not all funded two year olds are "vulnerable" as such. Also, If you use some of the child-free time for self care, for your mental health, your child will benefit even more.

My 2 year old receives 15 funded nursery hours. Should I feel 'embarrassment' or shame?