Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ashamed that my 2 year old receives funding?

71 replies

Mozfan · 14/01/2021 15:14

My partner is on an embarrassingly low wage. We both have mental health issues. He’s stuck in a rut with depression on top and I left my job shortly before the first lockdown due to severe anxiety and PND.
His job pays very little for what he does.

We both went to university and come from reasonably well off families.

However, we now qualify for childcare hours for our 2 year old DS. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful we have it, it gives us both a break and our son gets a lot from it.
But I still can’t shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s ridiculous really.
I guess it’s because the nursery informed me they have visits from the health visitor and she comes specifically to check on the funded 2 year olds, as they are seen as ‘vulnerable’ and with less advantages.

I’m going to get a job as soon as I can, but covid has thrown an unfortunate spanner in the works.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 14/01/2021 16:13

I guess it’s because the nursery informed me they have visits from the health visitor and she comes specifically to check on the funded 2 year olds, as they are seen as ‘vulnerable’ and with less advantages.

That sounds a bit like the children who attract Pupil Premium funding at school. Children who receive free school meals, looked after children (ie. children in care) and children with parents in the Forces have extra funding which the school uses to give them extra help. This is because statistically children in these groups fare less well in school. It doesn't mean individuals are identified as such and children are not singled out in front of the other children.

It is a bit odd sometimes because not all these children, on an individual level, need extra help and there are some who are not in these groups who are struggling but that's the way it is at the moment.

Just accept any extra help you are offered and try not to see it as criticism.

GinNotGym19 · 14/01/2021 16:29

Please don’t be embarrassed. My dc gets the 2 year funding as I’m a single mum. It’s been so good for his development and he loves it.
They’ve worded the hv 2 year check really badly if that’s how they’ve put it.
All 2 year olds get a 2 year check, because your child is at nursery the check just involves the nursery. This is because they have a good understanding of your child’s progress etc.
My dc’s 2 year check was on the phone due to corona, the nursery joined the call at the end and just gave an opinion on his progress etc. It wasn’t anything bad, no ones ever suggested he’s disadvantaged and you can’t tell which children are funded or not

Pumpertrumper · 14/01/2021 16:40

I wouldn’t feel embarrassed OP.
Fwiw my DH is a high earner and a couple of my mum friends are very low income, they obviously looked at my life now and thought I’d be judgmental/wouldn’t understand.

I grew up in a very poor family but had the BEST mum in the world and a happy childhood which I only realise now, as an adult, was really tough for her!

You might think someone is judging you but you don’t know their opinions really, or their experiences. Maybe some funded two year olds are vulnerable but yours isn’t, doubt any professional would have told you that if they were in fact concerned about your DS x

stillhappytohelp · 14/01/2021 16:42

YABU to use the phrase ‘embarrassingly low wage.’ But as others have said, don’t be ashamed of the help you are offered. It’s there for a reason Smile

newusername2009 · 14/01/2021 16:56

Accept the help while you need it, nothing to be ashamed of.

DragonDoor · 14/01/2021 17:46

For years I worked in a sector where people don’t get paid enough for the work they do. I earned minimum wage but was not ashamed, I loved my job and found it very rewarding. I’m also ‘University Educated’ Grin

In fact, most if my friendship group are ‘University Educated’ and their choice of career has been about more than money. Some earn low wages, some earn average wages, some earn high wages.

Coming from a reasonably well off family and having a university eduction provides choice and opportunities, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that people have to go into high earning careers.

Do you think this status anxiety may be contributing to your mental health problems?

DianaT1969 · 14/01/2021 17:53

There was a thread yesterday about a woman concerned that her child was labelled "vulnerable". The majority of posters told her that she's overthinking. I'm not sure what's going on with this at moment. Some strange posts about the safety net we have in place for children.
Just to crack on with your therapy and feeling better. This is a small snapshot in your life. You could be exactly where you dream in terms of career and finances in 3 years.

MrsSleepyHB · 14/01/2021 18:03

You are being far too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack 💐

helpfulperson · 14/01/2021 18:05

Image what you would say to another mum who said to you that she felt the same. You would likely reassure her that she had anything to be ashamed of, that we all just do the best we can and if she is entitled to it she might as well use it.

helpfulperson · 14/01/2021 18:06

Nothing not anything

Serin · 14/01/2021 18:13

I've been there, my DC had free school meals for a year, and free milk vouchers. It is a gift from the community that we live in, meant to help, not make you feel guilty.
When you are better, you can pay it forwards. Ive done a lot of voluntary work since then and always donate to appeals.

RickJames · 14/01/2021 18:22

I know what you mean OP. My DS gets extra help because he has two foreign born parents and statistically he is likely to have poorer outcomes in education. The school and LEA have a funny way of wording things on this topic and it does make me feel a bit othered and rubbish at times.

On the other hand, I'm so glad he gets extra help so we nod, smile and take full advantage of any extra interventions and classes. It's about helping the children - not a judgement on the adults. Pride is a bugger though, try to ignore it!

riotlady · 14/01/2021 18:35

YABU. My DD gets funded hours- I’m a student and my partner works hard for what is apparently an “embarrassingly low” wage Hmm Nothing to be ashamed of.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 14/01/2021 18:39

You don't sound like people who are choosing to be on benefits for life, you sound like people who just need a bit of extra help at this moment in time. That is what benefits are for. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Springquartet · 14/01/2021 18:51

I work for a Local Authority and we always so glad when parents take up their two year entitlement. Your partner works - and you have worked in the past - and I am sure, will do so in the future. Even if you are on a low wage, you will have been paying taxes, so it is a bit like an insurance policy that you've both contributed to. At the moment you need this extra help, but in the future you won't need it, so your contribution will then help other parents.

AdultHumanFemale · 14/01/2021 18:55

Please don't feel embarrassed, OP.

raskolnikova · 14/01/2021 19:02

People are more than one thing.

I'm currently a single mother on benefits - so pretty low down on the social status ladder. When my DD was a baby I experienced domestic violence.

I also have a First Class degree, I'm well-travelled, I've studied four languages and I'm aiming to take some language exams soon (Covid allowing). I have dreams and ambitions. I buy my DD lots of books and I try (and fail) to teach her languages.

We're also living with my parents at the moment (another status killer in the UK). But my mum used to be a nursery worker and she did a degree in Childhood Studies - pretty useful when you have a child.

So my DD is disadvantaged in some ways, but I hope she has advantages in others. And if anyone judges me then, well, whatever, it doesn't matter.

LizFlowers · 14/01/2021 19:14

You have nothing about which you need to be feel ashamed. I'm glad you are getting something out of this government, they don't give much away. If it is good for your child and for you as a couple, embrace it!

TrickQuestions · 14/01/2021 19:45

Please don't feel ashamed. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. The funding is there to help and sometimes the parents/kids will need extra support, but that doesn't mean everyone who receives funding needs extra help. Just like the parents of the kids who don't receive the funding may or may not need extra support.

chilledteacher · 14/01/2021 19:57

OP, I could have written this post. When I had DS1 who is now 16, my DH and i were so financially hard up and needed support, financial through funded nursery etc and the kindness of strangers who gave us things like a Moses basket etc. Like you though we were working towards a better future and were mortified by our situation.

Now we are in that situation where we can pay back the kindness shown by others and give baby things from DS3 away to others who need a bit of help.

Don't feel embarrassed, right now you need the help. I'm sure you will offer all the help you can to others when you are able to in the future too.

Mrsdoubtfireswig · 14/01/2021 19:57

Like pps have said please don’t feel ashamed - you’re entitled to it and it will help you.

We get 2 year old funding as DS is adopted so previously looked after child and friends of ours get it for low income but to be honest I’ve never looked at it from a shame point of view, more a straightforward we’re entitled to it so we apply for it

I didn’t know the HVs did assessments but I don’t think it would bother me as it’s just extra checks and support for him if he needs it (we had lots of checks throughout the adoption process with SWs and HVs anyway so quite used to them

Holothane · 14/01/2021 19:59

Don’t you dare feel guilty you need help now,.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/01/2021 20:07

Your husbands employers should feel shame for underpaying their staff.

Someone1987 · 14/01/2021 20:10

How did you find out you were entitled to free nursery hours?

BlackeyedSusan · 14/01/2021 20:11

I can understand why you do, but you shouldn't.