Furlough Maid

[yellowjustwantsanap]

Morning Mumsnet!

I have a AIBU question, basically I am currently furloughed and have been now for about 10 days, DP is working from home and has been since March of last year.

We work really well together normally, shared dinner making/school runs/cleaning. Except now that I am furloughed he appears to have breathed a sigh of relief that he no longer has to do anything anymore. At all. Not a thing.

I normally work part time, that has been swapped out with homeschool with the kids off and does keep me busy. It's like he sees me as a maid, gives me a time to have dinner ready by and has now started even putting dishes next to the dishwasher instead of in it (if they even make it that far). He hasn't emptied a dishwasher, wiped a side, did a clothes wash, bathed the kids, or even offered up any assistance with anything. I've never seen him take advantage of me in this way before and it's really making me view him in a different light.

I know I have more free time then him, but I feel he is taking the pee a little? Just because I have more time now, does that mean he should do NOTHING?

I am fully prepared to be told I am being unfair btw. I feel like I am, and that I am being a little selfish. Maybe being told that will stop my resentment towards him growing.

Thank you for any responses!!

It’s not you doing more while you’re furloughed that’s the issue, it’s his attitude. Expecting to have his dinner by a certain time and doing no housework at all is ridiculous, and putting the dishes next to the dishwasher is really disrespectful.

You need to talk about what extras you’re prepared to do while you’ve got a little more time and what he is responsible for. You are presumably still fairly busy with home school?! Most of all, tell him how taken for granted you’ve been made to feel by him.

I do feel like he is taking advantage of me.

But I also do try and view it from his point of view. And if I had been out at work all day and he had been at home all day I wonder if I would feel the same way if I came home to no dinner being out. And dirty dishes everywhere.

In my house dinner is anytime between 5.30-6.30pm so if he is hungry before or after i dont care.

I run the house and he runs his office.
I dont tell him what to do so i expect the same. I accomodate his impromptus or change of plans and he does the same for me.

Am happy to do vastly more than him in terms of general running of the house, kids and home schooling but I ALSO expect him to not be disrespectful to me or taking advantage. He is a grown man who can look after himself.

So basically. Have a heart to heart chat, listen to him yes (🤪) but set and assert YOUR expectations.
It is your job (for now) so you will run it whichever way you want he is NOT your boss.

For years my mother in law thought I was not being a proper wife (i love her but we behaved very differently and he is her first born) BUT now she can see i m not short of hard work i just dont give my husband a pass 😉😂

What the fuck? This would piss me right off! I was furloughed for a bit back in march/April - we’ve no children yet (one on the way) yes I did a bit more like sometimes got breakfast ready and made him a cup of tea while he was on calls! We’d take turns though doing lunch and dinner - and with the cleaning I did Most but he still put his stuff into the bloody dishwasher!!

It would really irritate me to be told what time dinner needs to be ready - I’d be telling him to F off and just get dinner for yourself and the kids leave him to it!

Maybe you should take yourself out for your walk bang on half 5 or whatever time he finishes work so he can take over

You are not being unreasonable - outside of his working / commuting hours, household tasks should be 50/50. Why should one partner have a 40 hour working week while the other does 16 hour days? Why should the working partner get to tell the other partner what to do and treat them like the hired help?

FWIW, I am currently working full time and my DP is currently studying and working very part time (approx 5 hrs per week) due to COVID related job loss on his side. I don't treat him like shit, I pull my weight - we split all jobs outside of my working hours because that is fair and reasonable. And I don't dictate to him, I talk to him about who will do what.

I’m currently at home while my DH works long hours so naturally I do more but he still pulls his weight when he’s at home - emptying dishwasher, helping with bedtime, washing his work clothes, doing the bins to name a few. He does seem to have developed a habit of putting things next to the dishwasher rather than in it so I’ve started asking every single time why something is on the side and he’s taken the (not so subtle) hint.

DH usually works part time and is the one who does most of the kids stuff and a big chunk of the day to day cleaning etc (I do all cooking, shopping and bulk of post-meal cleaning up). so in normal times, I'd say domestic chores (excluding kids) are split around 65/35 with him doing more.

He is not working currently due to Covid but instead is doing 100% of the homeschooling.

The domestic chores have now gone to about 50/50 or even slightly more to me. Because he is literally nonstop with the kids to manage home schooling etc. So where usually he'd be the one putting on a load of washing during the day or ensuring the floor is clear for the robot vacuum or spending a morning cleaning the bathrooms, he just doesn't have time. So instead, I'm doing at least half the laundry now (he still does all the putting away), he hasn't got the robot vacuum out in two weeks never mind the regular vacuum and we've been splitting bathroom cleaning on weekends. The only regular tasks of his that he's kept entirely is changing the bed linen and the bins. And he's doing those at 8pm at night as he doesn't have time during the day.

So YANBU to think your H is taking the piss. As a couple, agree perhaps that you will do these extra things but he doesn't just get to check out.

You need to nip that shit in the bud.
I'd dump his dirty dishes back on his desk.

You're 100% NBU. It's the attitude.

My DH works very long 80+ hour weeks outside the home. I don't expect him to do a lot in the house, but I do expect him to bring his washing down, get his shirts together for ironing, clean up after himself and wipe down the kitchen after using it and make sure his dishes find their way into the dishwasher. Oh, and take out the bins if they're full and run the hoover over the living-room/kitchen at weekends. I don't cook for him since he's back very late (usually after 11pm), but I do leave some food for him to heat up if I've made something for DS and I which I know he'd like.

When DH was working from home in his previous role, I made it quite clear that I expected him to do chores in his "coffee break" like I did, even if he was working late. So empty the dishwasher or put on a load of washing while waiting for the kettle to boil, or wiping down the kitchen surfaces.

It's not so much the chores themselves as the statement it makes - every adult in the house should play a role in keeping it cosy and clean for everyone to enjoy. Even DS (just turned 3) is getting to the stage where he can tidy up his toys and clean up any messes he makes if prompted.

Thank you for all your responses!

I haven't spoken to him yet as I was nearly positive I was the one who was being unfair. And I agree that it is mostly the attitude that is bothering me.

He made himself eggs and bacon yesterday for his lunch (didn't offer me any ) then dumped the saucepan in the sink to 'soak'. I then had to come in later, fish mushy egg out of the bottom of the sink just so that I could clean it to use for dinner. And I know he knows I will need to do this, but he doesn't care?

I feel like I'm being a little frosty and he either hasn't noticed or again, just doesn't care? I am not sure if he thinks I'm having this amazing lovely time off work while he is wasting away upstairs. When the reality is I'm wrestling to get two very unenthusiastic under 7s to learn, while fishing his soggy egg out of the sink all while trying to not lose my

Stop waiting for him to notice and being passively aggressively angry.

Tell him why you’re not happy. You really aren’t being unreasonable. Expecting you to suddenly become his personal maid really isn’t on.

If he does the same thing with the saucepan, make him come and clean it up.

You've swapped working for homeschooling. He should be doing his share of everything else the same as before.

Well your working hours have increase not decreased

Part time job (maybe 16 hrs per week)
Full time home schooling 8-3 five days a week is 35 hrs a week

So actually he should be taking on more housework than before

Unless he believes that teaching isnt a proper job that takes focus and is crucially important for the future of his children

He is just lucky you arent trying to teach for 35 hrs and work part time for 16 hrs as well. At which point he would have to carry much much more of the load with housework

Tell him.

Excuse me, I'm not your maid and I have enough on homeschooling our kids all day, if you want dinner at a set time then feel free to cook it.

When you need to use the kitchen and it's a mess then go ask him to clean his mess up because you need to use the kitchen or just add to the mess and tell him it's his turn to clean up because you've been doing it all week.

He is BU about the dinner.

However if my DH was furloughed I would expect him to do most of the housework during the day so we can both enjoy the evening and weekends. General tidying, dishes, cooking etc can all be done while homeschooling when the DC are watching videos or are writing things down.

Hi OP

Was going to ask about the ages of your kids as that would have a bearing on my response. Since they are both under 7, you are basically doing a full time job teaching them! Surely if you work part time normally, then getting them lunch/exercise and fresh air and organising / supervising / enougraging them home schooling is much more work than youd normally do? I'm home schooling a 5.5 year old and it's full on, she is fairly compliant but if I leave her for more than a few minute she loses focus or goes off on a tangent. So why is he doing nothing?
Depending on what hours you both do then I'd expect the person doing less to pick up a bit less around the house but even if you didnt have home schooling and weren't working (eg kids were still at school so you didnt have much to in the day time), to be honest leaving something next to the dishwasher so that you put it in instead of the 5 seconds more effort for him, and making himself food but not offering you to do it, and not helping with kids in the evening is all really bloody rude and disrespectful. You're not a slave, presumably you didnt choose to be furloughed and home schooling is not a choice youd have made, why the fuck should he not have to lift a finger

General tidying, dishes, cooking etc can all be done while homeschooling when the DC are watching videos or are writing things down.

So can rinsing a plate and putting it in the dishwasher when WFH.

My OH isn't working currently (fixed contract not extended due to Covid) and he is doing everything in the house, pretty much - if I make a mess in the kitchen I'll clean it and I'll shove the odd wash on, but tbh I expect that as I'm working full time and he's not, that he should be balancing the load slightly.

Before, I had 40 hours a week and he had 40 hours a week in work. We split the household equally, so we both got equal leisure time. Now he has 0 hours a week work, and I still have 40, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to pick up the slack.

SO in theory, not unreasonable. However, we don't have children to homeschool - that's your joint responsibility and presumably is falling to you completely? So I think he's being a bit shit there.

And I don't leave the kitchen a tip for my OH to sort. So he's U there too.

Unreasonable in my view. I'd think cooking would be the one I'd suggest in your shoes.

Homeschooling is a full time job with the amount of work expected now. He is massively taking the piss. You are not being selfish atall.

Start of 1st lockdown last year I told my household - you get your own breakfast, lunch and any drinks you want. I will cook dinner (no set time). If I see stuff not in the dishwasher I call the person who left it there to come and sort it - the message soon got through to them all

I had 2 adults WFH, 1 uni student studying and 1 6th former studying and I couldn’t work (work place closed) - I am not their skivvy

You need to sit and talk to him.

But I cannot believe he was so selfish as to cook only for himself.

If he doesn't listen and change his attitude, I'm sorry but WFH is not a big huge deal of him doing oh so much.

I'd start only doing things for you and the kids and he could fend for himself, after all he is WFH he can do his own cooking and laundry and anything else. your not his slave to wait on him hand and foot.

for some reason the ordering dinner at a set time has really pissed me off, my DH would never do this, if he wanted to eat at a specific time he'd ask or get dinner on himself, for everyone not just himself.

Where are all these utterly stupid men crawling out of, presumably he can hear the chaos going on downstairs, and he must know the time and effort it takes to clean the house, juggle the kids and make food three times a day.

I'd tell him he was going to go back to doing his stuff as he used to you will ensure kids are being tutored and entertained. home schooling two under 7 year olds is not doing nothing.

I once saw a really good post on here from a mother who had teenagers and a husband who took advantage of her.

She said to them "every time you put a dirty fork in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or leave something for me to do because you can't be bothered, you might as well say "fuck you, Mum" to my face".

Blunt, but apparently it did the trick. I really liked that way of putting it.

That is really poor to make himself food without asking you.
Worse still he leaves you to clean it up!

It is bloody disrespectful!

You are there to help and care for the kids, not skivvy after him. I would nip it in the bud immediately, even just from the point of view of rewinding such bad habits once you are working will be an uphill battle. Give yourself a project you like - decorating, painting or gardening and tell him you are saving money on xy and z by doing the task around home schooling and he can continue with the 50/50 housework and childcare as before.

Then go and run a bath, read a magazine and leave the dishes to pile up. Do not do them, or cook every night. When he appears at dinner time, ask him what you are all having for dinner, he should be cooking every other night as before.

I’d have pulled the dirty stuff out of the sink and put it to one side and left it there. I’d have then asked him later when he was going to clean it up. It’s disrespectful.