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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furlough Maid

53 replies

yellowjustwantsanap · 14/01/2021 09:01

Morning Mumsnet!

I have a AIBU question, basically I am currently furloughed and have been now for about 10 days, DP is working from home and has been since March of last year.

We work really well together normally, shared dinner making/school runs/cleaning. Except now that I am furloughed he appears to have breathed a sigh of relief that he no longer has to do anything anymore. At all. Not a thing.

I normally work part time, that has been swapped out with homeschool with the kids off and does keep me busy. It's like he sees me as a maid, gives me a time to have dinner ready by and has now started even putting dishes next to the dishwasher instead of in it (if they even make it that far). He hasn't emptied a dishwasher, wiped a side, did a clothes wash, bathed the kids, or even offered up any assistance with anything. I've never seen him take advantage of me in this way before and it's really making me view him in a different light.

I know I have more free time then him, but I feel he is taking the pee a little? Just because I have more time now, does that mean he should do NOTHING?

I am fully prepared to be told I am being unfair btw. I feel like I am, and that I am being a little selfish. Maybe being told that will stop my resentment towards him growing.

Thank you for any responses!!

OP posts:
Icanseegreenshoots · 14/01/2021 12:35

I am at home at the moment, and everyone pitches in with cleaning, unstacking an restacking the dishwasher, including kids, and we all take it turns cooking.

I am no one's maid and would sooner leave than become one.

Whiskeylover45 · 14/01/2021 12:42

I'm struggling to imagine how the dinner conversation and dishes came about? This is how it would have gone in ours, not that it would but it's an example

DH: I want a chicken dinner on the table for 6pm

Me: best finish at five then so you can. In the meantime I'll be making me and DS food for five. If you want any of insert easy food let me know and I'll leave some in the microwave for you

In regards to dishes:

Me: can you not stack them there please and just put them in as I'm trying to homeschool Ds It takes the same amount of time and I'll appreciate it.

And the soggy frying pan I would have left it and spoken to him about it saying he can clear that up as I'm not his maid.

You seem from your updates to be using passive aggressiveness to get through to him whereas a simple conversation would work better. If he doesn't listen, just don't do anything for him he'll sharp learn.

I do get everyone being in each others faces ATM. Mr and DH are and we've bickered more the past few days than we usually do. But that's part of being in a small two bed flat with a three year old and the only place to go really is the living room. So I do get it. Everyone's fed up

BadBear · 14/01/2021 12:45

He gives you a time to have dinner ready by? Made himself but didn't bother to offer you some? Oh he's so lucky I am not his wife!

I normally pick up a bit more around my partner if he's too busy with work and I am not but he will always show appreciation and tell me he will make it up by doing more the next day. There's a mutual understanding that it needs to balance out.

You're most definitely not being unreasonable, his attitude stinks. It's time to have a stern talk with him.

Original poster
yellowjustwantsanap · 14/01/2021 12:53

He just nipped down for a cup of tea, and I kind of cornered him and told him to clean up after himself before he even had made any mess which I think put him a bit on the back foot.

He asked if he had ever left any mess for me to ever clean up to which I started listing off everything he had done over the past 10 days which he started getting defensive over.

I think I went about the conversation all wrong.

He ended it by kind of saying 'calm down, fine I'll make sure I everything is spotless before I leave' and disappeared. I suppose that's all I want, but again he's making me feel like I'm being unreasonable.

I even forget about all the other chores he's neglecting as just wiping the side felt like a battle.

I agree that I may be getting agitated and things feel magnified when your whole world is confined to 4 walls. But he's not helping

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 12:57

Maybe try to have a calm conversation about this again this evening after all the work and children stuff is finished.

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2021 13:06

@yellowjustwantsanap

He just nipped down for a cup of tea, and I kind of cornered him and told him to clean up after himself before he even had made any mess which I think put him a bit on the back foot.

He asked if he had ever left any mess for me to ever clean up to which I started listing off everything he had done over the past 10 days which he started getting defensive over.

I think I went about the conversation all wrong.

He ended it by kind of saying 'calm down, fine I'll make sure I everything is spotless before I leave' and disappeared. I suppose that's all I want, but again he's making me feel like I'm being unreasonable.

I even forget about all the other chores he's neglecting as just wiping the side felt like a battle.

I agree that I may be getting agitated and things feel magnified when your whole world is confined to 4 walls. But he's not helping

The calm down dear attitude from men really piss me off.

Tell him you want to sit down and have a discussion about how you are being treated in your home.

I’d draft points so you don’t forget points or get told you’re being hysterical. If he does the calm down dear thing shut him down.

You have every right to be upset

Original poster
yellowjustwantsanap · 14/01/2021 13:15

Now I feel as if every time he wipes a side he's mentally patting himself on the back for all the help he's giving me.

I want him to want to clean his own side, not clean the side so that I don't moan about him not cleaning the side. (I know I sound unhinged)

I don't know how our relationship has changed so drastically in 10 days

OP posts:
Icanseegreenshoots · 14/01/2021 13:19

Giving you a time to produce dinner is a real problem.

You are not being unreasonable at all op. It is his house too, so if wants clean cutlery, dishes and food in the cupboards he needs to contribute and expect to do do, it is not 'helping' you, it is for his own benefit.

I am cleaning and cooking and shopping endlessly for dc, it is exhausting and boring in equal measure - stuck in and unable to do anything rewarding and enjoyable.

Its not okay to treat you badly.

Icanseegreenshoots · 14/01/2021 13:20

*so

BlingLoving · 14/01/2021 14:48

So, you told him to please not leave the kitchen in a mess. He then denied he did this. So you outlined the many many times he does this. He then got defensive. And now, piece de resistance.... YOU feel like YOU went about the conversation the wrong way?

For the record, you didn't (well, unless you started screaming at him as he came down the stairs).

But your'e on the back foot now as the "bad guy". Never ceases to amaze me how good men are at this. DH is a wonderful man who does pull his weight but he has this skill down to a fine art as well. I think they learn it at the Secret Mens Club.

LuaDipa · 14/01/2021 15:07

Yeah my dh has been like this. I love him and he is generally kind but sometimes he can be lazy and thoughtless around the house. The root of the problem is that he still sees anything that he does as ‘helping’, not just doing what needs to be done.

BTV2000 · 14/01/2021 15:22

In my eyes it doesn’t matter what hours you do or don’t work. You both contribute to the bills so you should both contribute to the upkeep of the house i.e. he should pull his bloody finger out 😂

I work full time as a midwife but work 12 hr shifts so do 3/4 days a week. I have to remind my husband that I squeeze full time hours + travel into a very small working window so don’t want to spend all my free time picking up after him. Just because I am home more doesn’t mean I work less and the same would be for you looking after and home schooling the kids!

I had a spell of feeling really unappreciated so told DH that if he didn’t buck up I’d just move in with my parents again and he would then see just how much is done for him when he’s out the house....! It didn’t come to that but sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures 😂

PoppinTheCorn · 14/01/2021 17:25

Well your choice is to either carry on doing what you're doing or......
Do a Popping TheCorn.
This involves getting a large black sack and gathering everything up into it, including dirty pots and pans and dumping the whole lot in the garden, before making yourself and only yourself a nice lunch and eating it.
No words necessary when he asks where his lunch is, a simple shrug of the shoulder is suffice.
Repeat daily until he gets the clear message.

minipie · 14/01/2021 17:36

@SeaToSki

Well your working hours have increase not decreased

Part time job (maybe 16 hrs per week)
Full time home schooling 8-3 five days a week is 35 hrs a week

So actually he should be taking on more housework than before

Unless he believes that teaching isnt a proper job that takes focus and is crucially important for the future of his children

He is just lucky you arent trying to teach for 35 hrs and work part time for 16 hrs as well. At which point he would have to carry much much more of the load with housework

Completely agree.
notalwaysalondoner · 14/01/2021 18:11

I think there's a balance - if it was the other way round, I'd be pretty resentful if my DH was furloughed and refused to pick up any of the slack. I know homeschooling is a chore and takes up time, but lots of parents are juggling it around full time jobs, so I think it is equally unfair to claim it takes all of the energy from 9-5 you'd otherwise be spending on work.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about his attitude - say that you are happy to do more than your normal share, which includes xyz, but not abc, and that you do not appreciate his attitude shift towards not even e.g. putting his plates in the dishwasher. While you have more time than he does, you are still homeschooling the children which takes a lot of time and attention (and having kids at home creates more housework) so you need to agree a fairer split.

JohnBarron · 14/01/2021 18:27

He’s being lazy and selfish. Home schooling is exhausting! Try and have a calmer conversation, do not feel guilty for anything you’ve said so far. I would be making it very clear that you aren’t his skivvy, this is still his house and he should have some respect and not expect you to run around like a maid clearing up after him. Do not let him turn the conversation round.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/01/2021 18:42

Talk to him tonight. Apologise for how you spoke to him this afternoon - this gives you back some control. But then say that although you wished you'd handled it differently, the principle stands.

Point out that you are still his wife, not his servant (has he been watching The Handmaid's Tale and thinks this is his opportunity to live out his fantasies, by any chance??). Tell him that it's disrespectful and you thought you had an equal partnership, but now he's not behaving as though you do. Explain that you've swapped a part time job for a full time one, as you're not prepared to let your DCs miss out on important schooling which may harm them in the future. They are his children too and you are doing this for them. So no, you have not overnight turned into his personal maid and he has to stop this now. You are caring for the DCs, not filing your nails all day.

Make a decision on your next step when you hear his response to that, and also whether or not he changes his behaviour and attitude rather than paying lip service to what you're saying.

GypsyLee · 14/01/2021 18:42

Use your voice to communicate with him and tell him what you expect.
Sit him down tonight and tell him it's enough and you are losing all respect for him and him acting like this is totally unattractive and putting you off him.

Wellthisismorethanabitgrim · 14/01/2021 18:46

We are the opposite here....DH is out of work due to Corona, and I am WFH. He is trying to keep busy with job hunting and work/industry related stuff, so he's not sat on his arse doing nothing. He has been doing the 'big clean' once a week and is doing more than me in general around the house (no DCs), but I'm still doing my share of keeping on top of things, cooking, emptying the dishwasher etc, and I still do all the washing (mainly because I am control freaky about it). If I make a mess because I'm in a hurry I will ask him if he minds clearing up whatever it is as I don"t have time, but if it's my mess I will normally clear it up myself.

If I was working in the office I'd prob expect him to do a bit more as I'd have a commute on top but as things currently are I also have at least 2-3 extra hours in my day because of WFH so it seems fair I also do stuff. He's not my skivvy just because he's out of work and not contributing financially!! Your DH is taking the piss!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 21:32

Yep he’s taking the piss. What did his last slave die of?! I wouldn’t be putting up with this. He needs to wake up to himself and all the things you’re doing

nanbread · 14/01/2021 22:19

Just have a constructive conversation.

Something like, now the kids are at home shall we have a chat about how we're going to divide and conquer stuff that needs doing, and also make sure we're getting some time for ourselves so we don't go mad?

Then you can sit down and talk nicely about the average week's chores and responsibilities, and decide who will do what, plan some family treats, maybe talk about how you're both feeling and acknowledge this situation is hard and shit for everyone.

lovemylot1 · 14/01/2021 22:28

This happened to me op, for this reason I loathed being on furlough. I told my employer this and this time round I’m SO much happier to be continuing to work which is better for our family as I’m happier, despite the juggle. I have three aged 2,5,7 so no picnic but when I was on furlough it was like my identity became housewife overnight rather than working and like you suddenly my husband was not involved at all despite being in the house working. I had no choice. Then people telling me how lucky I was to be on furlough.
I’m not really offering anything useful but just solidarity.

partyatthepalace · 15/01/2021 01:44

You what??!

You need to nip this in the bud OP.

First off if you are cooking you get to tell him when dinner is, not vv. secondly if you are home schooling plus doing the cooking then you are also doing a job.

So, figure out what if any home maintenance is part of your ‘job’ to even out your working hours, and note down how you would like the rest divvied up, so he cooks and does baths a couple times a week at least, and some basic house rules like put your dishes away.

Then sit him down, tell him x,y and z has been happening, he probably isn’t aware he’s doing it, but this is the plan going forward.

MamaTookMyEyebrows · 15/01/2021 02:04

I’d stake my mortgage that he’s jealous of your furlough situation (hell, I’m jealous of it - some of us are working full time AND homeschooling under-7s) and he’s decided to punish you for it.

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