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Original poster

I'm going to be left on the shelf arent I?

78 replies

Findersnotkeepers · 14/01/2021 05:54

Well it only took me 4 years to figure out but... me and my partner don't want the same things and we will need to break up.

I'm 35 and just can't help but feel like this is a really weird age to be going back to being single. I dont have any kids. I dont particularly want any. I'm not young, but nor am I old enough to be part of the "freshly divorced" clan.

I just feel like I've wasted time and can understand why people end up sticking with less fulfilling relationships as time goes on. I felt like a young woman when I started this relationship. Now I feel old and middle aged for some reason. I dont know what happened. It was a warm, solid relationship but it was also somehow lacklustre. It's hard to describe. Somehow, it gave me comfort and security but it also took something from me - maybe a kind of energy I once had, a youthfulness.

Does anyone know what I mean?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 14/01/2021 05:57

Left on the shelf is a terrible, outdated and sexist term OP. Women don't sit on a shelf any more.

We have the option to do as we want.

Get married, don't, have kids with a partner, have them alone.

The choices are all there for the taking.

Better to be alone and clear-headed than miserable in a relationship which doesn't work.

TammyHullfigure · 14/01/2021 06:00

Well you’re not old and middle aged. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be thankful you didn’t stick in a dead relationship. You’d feel a lot shifter 20+ years down the line wondering why you stayed in something that sapped life from you.
Good for you, you’re 35. You have a lot of years ahead. Enjoy them.

TammyHullfigure · 14/01/2021 06:01

Shitter* not shifter

Pumpertrumper · 14/01/2021 06:02

Honestly, yeah it’s a bit of an awkward age and shit as it is it’s worse for women. Somehow men can get away with still being ‘young and single’ at 35 but a woman’s prospects start to deplete.

It does not mean you won’t find a wonderful DP or have an amazing future. I think it would be a much bigger issue if you wanted kids.

My view of dating is theres 2 ‘waves’ the ‘first flush’ which is usually women 30 and under, men 35 and under who are keen to do the whole marriage, house, babies thing. Then there’s the ‘second chances’ which are usually women over 35 and men over 40, who did that and it didn’t work out so now they’re separated/divorced and looking to find a different sort of relationship.

It doesn’t apply to everyone though, I know people who don’t fit this but 80%+ do.

If you aren’t fussed about the marriage, babies, house in the suburbs I honestly wouldn’t worry you’ll be fine x

MilkMoon · 14/01/2021 06:03

@FortunesFave

Left on the shelf is a terrible, outdated and sexist term OP. Women don't sit on a shelf any more.

We have the option to do as we want.

Get married, don't, have kids with a partner, have them alone.

The choices are all there for the taking.

Better to be alone and clear-headed than miserable in a relationship which doesn't work.

Good post, @FortunesFave.

OP, if you feel this relationship is no longer for you and is sapping you, then presumably you’ll feel better, livelier and more clear-headed once out of it.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/01/2021 06:04

No

ioffernothing · 14/01/2021 06:04

I'm single but not on the shelf, or at least if I am I'm on a comfy shelf where I get all my own way, have it decorated now I like it and spend my time however I wish, it's a very satisfying place to be Smile

WunWun · 14/01/2021 06:09

What is the freshly divorced clan? I must be missing out.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/01/2021 06:12

WunWun

I’m waiting for the tartan.

Toottoot20202 · 14/01/2021 06:17

I think when a relationship doesn't work out it's pretty normal to mourn the time you've lost and society's attitudes to women and ageing can make you feel like you've 'wasted your youth' and are starting out single again as a lesser version of yourself.

I felt these things when I was single in my mid thirties but I eventually realised that these negative beliefs didn't serve me and made me less likely to meet someone

Cliche, but when I stopped thinking about myself in these terms I was so much more confident and happy with my life and I think that radiates and I did find a lovely new partner (or maybe just coincidence)..... it worked out for me but I know I'd have been happy and content staying 'on the shelf' and that staying in my previous comfortable relationship would have made me miserable.

secretskillrelationships · 14/01/2021 06:23

I feel a bit like you having come out of a 7 year relationship in my mid 50s. I feel like I've wasted some of my 'best years' on something that didn't really develop how I'd have liked. I feel old and a bit past it etc even though it's liberated lots of time and energy for things that are important to me and make me feel good about my life. When my marriage ended, I felt relieved and invigorated but I'd felt truly miserable and trapped. So maybe it's just the natural grieving process of ending a relationship that was okay but not quite good enough. The relationship was a bit meh and the grief is similar.

Original poster
Findersnotkeepers · 14/01/2021 06:25

@Toottoot20202 and @secretskillrelationships

That's heartening and reassuring to remember those feelings are pretty normal. Thank you :)

OP posts:
peak2021 · 14/01/2021 06:28

Whilst you are not 'on the shelf' or about to be, the attitude of men once most women are over 40 certainly (not sure about 35 though) is something you are reasonable to be concerned about.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/01/2021 06:30

I think what I'd try to tell myself in this situation is that there are both happy married people and happy single people. I'm not sure how helpful stories of people who met people later in life or had kids late actually are on these threads, obviously there are people who don't meet anyone.

Different situation but I when there isn't a group you fit into. I think all you can do is be yourself and do what you enjoy.

theculture · 14/01/2021 06:37

From my experience being single mid 30's was just the edge it it terms of being able to hang with the younger group of work colleagues on a night out without standing out too much - in fact through that I found a (slightly younger!) DP still going strong years later

Getting older does change the social opportunities from more free flowing events with single people (bars) to more closed events with mainly settled down friends (weekend bbqs) - so take chances to do fun stuff when you have them!

Not easy now though Sad

FunkBus · 14/01/2021 06:37

Just have a look at the relationships board on here and you'll be reminded of the fact that, for many women, the shelf is probably a better place to be than with a man.

The decent ones are few and far between.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2021 06:38

It might help you to know that I met my husband when I was nearly 36, and have 2 children with him.

I agree that "on the shelf" is a horrifically old-fashioned term that should be binned - you're not some marketable goods that has gone out of date, or become unfashionable and therefore good for nothing other than carrying dust - we're so far past that nonsense, I would hope!

Get out there, live your life, care not a jot for finding another relationship - do things, learn things, see thing! Have fun for yourself!

IF someone else comes along, then well and good - but IF they don't then you'll still have experiences, fun, friends and so on.

Lindtlover2021 · 14/01/2021 06:46

Lol you're 35 for goodness sake, that's young!!

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 14/01/2021 06:48

Another one here who hates the 'left on the shelf' phrase!!
I've just commented on another thread about when a woman's 'best before' date is, I despair!!
I was 37 when I met my now dh. He was 25 and certainly didn't view me as left on the shelf. Please don't view yourself that way op.
If you don't want dc then you're in a fortune position, you can (post covid!) live you life and hopefully eventually find the one for you.

Marley20 · 14/01/2021 06:51

I met my future husband when I was 35, it's a wonderful age. Young enough to enjoy life but old enough to be a bit wiser and know what you want from life. We're married with 2 kids now which I never expected to happen. Like you I thought at 35 I'd missed that boat but how wrong I was was. I promise you, you are still young and there are plenty of adventures left to have. You'll look back on this and laugh one day xx

DressingGown · 14/01/2021 06:53

I left DC’s father when she was 4 months and I was 37. I felt a bit like you. Thought no-one would want me. And for a good few years frankly I was too tired to even think about anyone else. But I cannot tell you how much better I felt to be out of that relationship. Like a huge weight had been lifted. (PS 8 years on and I’m getting married to lovely DP in October- Covid permitting).

SamPoodle123 · 14/01/2021 06:53

GET OUT NOW. Its not too late to find someone. Although, timing sucks with pandemic is more difficult to meet someone...but still dont waste time in a relationship you know wont work. My sister separated from her husband at 35 after only a year of marriage. Divorced by 36, met her future husband same year...they dated 6 months, got engaged, married and two kids by 40...

Eviebeans · 14/01/2021 07:07

How very sad that post made me feel. I wonder if your partner feels the same about the relationship as you do. At the age of 38 with three children I divorced. I had been feeling really unfulfilled in that relationship. In the same year I moved house and started a new career and lots of other new things. I am now remarried. Life feels good. It is a cliche that life is what you make it but it is also true... Good luck to you.

TableFlowerss · 14/01/2021 07:08

I would be worried if you wanted kids at that age, as it could take a while to meet someone. Its not ideal to just have kids with the first person just because you wavt kids. Usually doesn’t end well.

As you’re not wanting them then I think you’re worrying needlessly

Peccary · 14/01/2021 07:12

My group of friends is 7, all early 40s. Three of us are in long relationships but only had kids in the last 4 years, one is happy being single. The other three are all in newish relationships (between 1 and 3 years) . It's really not that unusual to be single after 35.