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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm going to be left on the shelf arent I?

78 replies

Findersnotkeepers · 14/01/2021 05:54

Well it only took me 4 years to figure out but... me and my partner don't want the same things and we will need to break up.

I'm 35 and just can't help but feel like this is a really weird age to be going back to being single. I dont have any kids. I dont particularly want any. I'm not young, but nor am I old enough to be part of the "freshly divorced" clan.

I just feel like I've wasted time and can understand why people end up sticking with less fulfilling relationships as time goes on. I felt like a young woman when I started this relationship. Now I feel old and middle aged for some reason. I dont know what happened. It was a warm, solid relationship but it was also somehow lacklustre. It's hard to describe. Somehow, it gave me comfort and security but it also took something from me - maybe a kind of energy I once had, a youthfulness.

Does anyone know what I mean?

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 14/01/2021 08:43

Are you sure it’s your relationship and not Covid and lockdown that’s affecting you?

You sound really down. Think carefully before making big life changing decisions in a very difficult time.

I’m not saying stay if you’re unhappy with him of course, just to consider everything

Offskki · 14/01/2021 08:48

My LTR ended when I was 35 and, devastated, I'm afraid the phrase passed through my mind once or twice too.

So, as I got back on my feet it was a surprise to find that men of all ages, from 22 to 50 were interested in me, and all sorts of opportunities, romantic or otherwise, opened up to me and I certainly wasn't on any shelf of any kind.

So, in the kindest, most hopeful way OP YABU.

JinglingHellsBells · 14/01/2021 08:50

If you and your partner aren't going in the same direction, you need to leave.

If you don't want children, I don't see why you are so worried.

If you DO want children, it's time to consider egg freezing or maybe an assessment of your egg reserve, to see how things are.

Your choice though, just being practical.

35 is not old but you sound old in your attitudes, the way you think 35 is old and use the term 'left on the shelf'

Are you from a different heritage as I know that idea of 'the shelf' is more predominant in some cultures like China who refer to being a 'left over' at 25.....but it's not like that in the UK.

If you decide you want kids I have friends who married at 36/37 and went on to have 2 children.

wildraisins · 14/01/2021 08:59

No offense but yes you will be with that attitude, but it's not because of your age.

In reality it doesn't matter what age you are! You just need to find ways of enjoying yourself and enjoy your life and you will meet someone naturally in time.

It's all about your outlook and how you live your life... and yours isn't great right now... it sounds like you are quite down. Perhaps talking to a counsellor/ therapist might help you figure things out.

diddl · 14/01/2021 09:00

"If you don't want children, I don't see why you are so worried."

That was my first thought tbh.

Surely it would be better to be alone for some time now rather than in a relationship for the sake of it?

You're only 35-I think it's unlikely that you'll never find anither partner!

I'm in my 50s & have been chatted up & asked out!

Ragwort · 14/01/2021 09:05

The happiest women I know are those who are single and child free by choice.

You really don't need a man/partner in your life to lead a fulfilling life - enjoy your own company and space.

mabelandivy · 14/01/2021 09:09

I had a 10 year relationship with somebody from the age of 23 to 33. He had been seeing (his now wife) behind my back for a little while. It took me a long time to get over him and I felt like you feel currently. I wasn't particularly maternal so the clock ticking on having a child wasn't a problem. I thought I would never meet anybody and for 4 years between 2010 and 2014 I went on numerous dates, but nothing serious. I then met my now husband after 26 online internet dating disasters. I was about to give up, thinking I was destined to be on my own and he would be my last date. Fast forward - we've now been married for 5 years (I married him when I was 39) and at the age of 41 we had our DD who is now 2.5. It CAN and WILL happen as cliched as it will sound. Also, being older, you now know what you do and don't want so you're much more likely to find a more compatible match and won't waste time on those you know are not right for you.

LesCuriousCat · 14/01/2021 09:10

I felt like a young woman when I started this relationship. Now I feel old and middle aged for some reason.

The reason you feel this way is because of the relationship you're in.

Macncheeseballs · 14/01/2021 09:11

I'd jump down off that shelf and run wild around the shop

BumbleFlump · 14/01/2021 09:12

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single at any age 🙋🏻‍♀️

Pringlemonster · 14/01/2021 09:18

God yes
Married 27 years and I feel the same ..

JinglingHellsBells · 14/01/2021 09:21

It's all a bit sad, really.

I know an older woman ( yes, old, in her mid 70s) who had 2 new partners after she was widowed. She kept outliving them all. Met them at tea dances and the like.

Petitmum · 14/01/2021 09:24

My 16 year marriage ended suddenly when I was 36, exdh had an affair. I though I would be on my own.......... a few months later I met DH and we just clicked. We married within a year and now have 2 teenagers! Don't write off your life, you never know what the future might bring.

The term 'left on the shelf" is terrible..... you don't have to wait to be picked....... take responsibility for your own future

silverbubbles · 14/01/2021 09:24

Consider yourself very lucky and crack on with life!.

Jobsharenightmare · 14/01/2021 09:26

I was 35 and childless when I had to start over. Life has turned out better than OK for me OP. Don't lose hope.

Wheelyyyy · 14/01/2021 09:41

Oh you are in for a ride and i feel excited for you...

It may not seem it yet but youll likely go through a process of realising what you love, what u dont, what u want out of life, whats important, what yoube done well, what u can do different...what you value...what u need.

Youll do somethings well and you might make a mistake or two aswell....but its all part of figuring yourself out.

And honey you are likely to meet someone when the time is right for you, if u want it or when your least expecting it....
I realise this is cliche but its so very very true.

Let yourself go through all the feelings, the ups and downs, good days and bad days. The bad days will become less an less and the good days, weeks, months and life will happen before you know it.

Your about to meet a new version of yourself. Itll take time for her to come out of her shell, shell grow and change and gain confidence slowly. She may be a bit shy at first, be patient.

I met someone at 29 after a divorce and when after another 14 years that relationship ended ive gone on to meet someone else at 42.
I thought id be on my own and didnt believe when others told me different but it happens.

Much love...get ready...your in for an exciting ride

Meruem · 14/01/2021 09:46

DD and I watched “it’s a wonderful life” over Christmas, having never seen it before. We were horrified and amused in equal measure that the awful fate that had befallen the mans wife, had he not been around, was that she would end up a “spinster” oh the horror! If we lived in those times, I might say you had a point! But we don’t.

The world is your oyster as they say, well once covid is under control! I think being single gives you a lot more freedom. I travel a lot more than my friends with partners because they can’t just say oh I’m going off to x for a month. And there’s the fact they can’t spend x amount of money just on themselves as it wouldn’t be fair. Any big decisions (understandably) have to be discussed and agreed upon in a relationship. I do what I want when I want.

I may have made single life seem too appealing as both my DC are early 30’s (so not much younger than you) and neither are in any rush to settle down with someone. They feel they have plenty of time, if they even decide that’s what they want.

Valkadin · 14/01/2021 10:05

The only time being single at 35 is an issue is if someone wants dc. My sister had a long marriage, it was not the worst but certainly not the best. She was widowed four years ago and now has a lovely boyfriend, she is 63.

My mate married at 49 and they are one of the most loved up couples I have met. However it is sad for her because she did desperately want dc. Both she and I started dating the exact same month when we were 30 and 32, I remember us going out on a new underwear shopping trip together and having such a laugh about new boyfriends new knickers. Her BF was never going to commit properly but she held out. He played a lot of mind games and gave many promises. She wasted years on him and then went through a trust crisis after so avoided dating for about 6 years.

Many women write on here as if the decisions are always the men’s to make, I have never understood that personally. As soon as a man wasn’t up to scratch it was over for me and they were toast. But my threshold for tolerating men is incredibly low. I saw the terrible relationships of my much older sisters. Two of them divorced when I was about 15. Their unfortunate relationships helped me.

bubblesforlife · 14/01/2021 10:11

Better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard Wink

If the relationship is not going anywhere, seize the opportunity. Go find yourself a new life, one that you won’t look back and regret. 35 is not old. The glass is half full here...

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2021 11:39

@FortunesFave

Left on the shelf is a terrible, outdated and sexist term OP. Women don't sit on a shelf any more.

We have the option to do as we want.

Get married, don't, have kids with a partner, have them alone.

The choices are all there for the taking.

Better to be alone and clear-headed than miserable in a relationship which doesn't work.

Well, no. You can't just choose to get married. You have to find someone to marry! And at certain ages there are fewer single people available.
ghostvillage · 14/01/2021 11:41

@Bilgepumper

I read a lovely post on here the other day. Someone posted that they had discovered life without men. She was so happy, contented and felt liberated.
That's the way to do it, I can wholeheartedly recommend it
Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2021 11:43

"Really? Seriously fuck any man who has “an attitude” about women over 40. Helpful of them to weed themselves out. Why should OP worry about them?"

Because it's very common for men to be looking for younger women. It does restrict your options as a woman.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2021 11:44

@Bilgepumper

I read a lovely post on here the other day. Someone posted that they had discovered life without men. She was so happy, contented and felt liberated.
OP doesn't want that though.
Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2021 11:45

"Some if these will actually be time wasters who just don’t want anything long term, but some will also be those who’ve already had kids and just do t want to start again with that but do want a life partner. "

Yes, but the divorced ones tend to be 50+ as OP points out and she may not want someone that much older.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2021 11:48

@Ragwort

The happiest women I know are those who are single and child free by choice.

You really don't need a man/partner in your life to lead a fulfilling life - enjoy your own company and space.

I'm sure OP knows she doesn't need a man, but it sounds like she wants one.
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