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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm going to be left on the shelf arent I?

78 replies

Findersnotkeepers · 14/01/2021 05:54

Well it only took me 4 years to figure out but... me and my partner don't want the same things and we will need to break up.

I'm 35 and just can't help but feel like this is a really weird age to be going back to being single. I dont have any kids. I dont particularly want any. I'm not young, but nor am I old enough to be part of the "freshly divorced" clan.

I just feel like I've wasted time and can understand why people end up sticking with less fulfilling relationships as time goes on. I felt like a young woman when I started this relationship. Now I feel old and middle aged for some reason. I dont know what happened. It was a warm, solid relationship but it was also somehow lacklustre. It's hard to describe. Somehow, it gave me comfort and security but it also took something from me - maybe a kind of energy I once had, a youthfulness.

Does anyone know what I mean?

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2021 07:14

God this is the third thread on here in the past two days with a title straight out of the Stepford Wife playbook: "bagging a rich man", women having a "shelf life" and now "on the shelf". Urgh.

OP you're not "on the shelf": there's no cut off date for women. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful but you need to give yourself a shake and find a bit of self-respect please. You just can't entertain this self-hating shite or it will eat you up from inside.

More to the point I'm just wondering if COVID anxiety has set back women's self-respect by about 20 years and that's why we're getting this outburst of self-hatred on here?

RickiTarr · 14/01/2021 07:15

@peak2021

Whilst you are not 'on the shelf' or about to be, the attitude of men once most women are over 40 certainly (not sure about 35 though) is something you are reasonable to be concerned about.

Really? Seriously fuck any man who has “an attitude” about women over 40. Helpful of them to weed themselves out. Why should OP worry about them?

Eviebeans · 14/01/2021 07:16

I also despair when I read posts from women with comments like on the shelf etc. Quite often the only people putting limits on us are ourselves

RickiTarr · 14/01/2021 07:16

By which I mean Fuck any man not Fuck any man, obviously.

pilates · 14/01/2021 07:18

Don’t waste another minute on a dead relationship. I’m sure your vigour will return once you’re out of your relationship. Do not settle, you deserve more.

Eviebeans · 14/01/2021 07:18

Well they do also say you need to f* a lot of frogs 😊

thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2021 07:22

@peak2021

Whilst you are not 'on the shelf' or about to be, the attitude of men once most women are over 40 certainly (not sure about 35 though) is something you are reasonable to be concerned about.

Concerning herself with the toxic attitudes held by some chauvinistic men is the last thing the OP should do. If she thinks a moment about this it will hold her back.

Any man who thinks like this just gets struck off and not given airtime. That's the only way to deal with this sort of thing.

Doodallysally · 14/01/2021 07:23

You don't have kids... why on earth would you look and feel old? That's something you can change. If you think you're old, you will look it and feel it. And that will come across when you're dating.

Have a makeover, change your hair or your style, pick up a new hobby, once lockdown is over get on the apps and go on dates even if just to dress up and have a drink. Throw yourself into your career, work towards a promotion, save up so you can travel or buy something you always wanted. Just look after yourself and find things to look forward to.

35 is not old. People live well into their 80s.

RickiTarr · 14/01/2021 07:24

@Eviebeans

Well they do also say you need to f* a lot of frogs 😊

gutful · 14/01/2021 07:27

You seem to hold some old fashioned views about women & marriage OP ! If you don’t want kids then really being 35 is just an arbitrary number. You haven’t “wasted” time in the ticking biological clock sense.

You had your time together, now you’ve parted ways. It sounds like you enjoyed the relationship for what it was. So that isn’t wasting time.

Maybe you feel old & drained from being in a relatively mundane relationship & playing at being grown ups because you think that’s what you should want (ie settle down / stable relationship) rather than being with someone who actually makes you want those things with them.

Bilgepumper · 14/01/2021 07:30

I read a lovely post on here the other day. Someone posted that they had discovered life without men. She was so happy, contented and felt liberated.

Dogscanteatonions · 14/01/2021 07:34

After divorcing at 33 I had a short term relationship then one of about 7 years and after a couple of years being single and dating I met my amazing dp 3 years ago. Totally not on the shelf. I'm far far happier than I ever thought possible

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 14/01/2021 07:43

I think instead of beating yourself up, you should breathe a sigh of relief you have left a situation that wasn't working for you. Def not as much of an issue if you don't want kids

dgirluk · 14/01/2021 07:48

Definitely not left on a shelf or anything !

I got divorced at 40, no children and no particular desire to have any. I did the online dating thing which, honestly, was probably more damaging to me than anything else. I met some nice men, some a*seholes, some users, etc. But then I got together with an amazing man and have remarried and couldn't be happier. It's almost like life is just starting.

Yes there are frustrations - I found a lot of online dating men of the age I was interested in (roughly my age +/-) wanted younger women because they wanted kids. Plus all the usual pitfalls of online dating. Not sure I'd do it again, or at least I'd make sure I had a different mind set.

But don't think for a minute that it's all over! You're 5 years younger than I was when I started the journey, and I couldn't be happier or more relieved that I did it.

underneaththeash · 14/01/2021 08:02

I don't think you're particularly young OP.
But, if you don't want children - what's the rush?

QualityRoads · 14/01/2021 08:07

35 is a great age. Not as in old though, as in old enough to know your own mind and young enough to enjoy a fairly carefree life. If your current relationship isn't giving you what you need then gently leave and follow your star. Only elves sit on shelves these days!

Signalbox · 14/01/2021 08:08

I was single between 27 and 37 and I definitely felt left on the shelf. Anyway I met my DH at 37 and we were both shelf sitters at the time so it wasn’t such a bad place to hang out :)

CoronaIsWatching · 14/01/2021 08:16

Well who wants to go clubbing and partying when you're in your mid 30s? I'm 32 and the thought fills me with dread. I'm happy pottering and filling my time with hobbies rather than chasing men.

sunsetorange · 14/01/2021 08:24

OP you are not on the shelf! My best friends mum remarried when she was 54, and we were 21! She had been single for 16 years before that, having broke up with her husband when my friend was only 4. She met her now husband on an online game and, at fear of becoming a romantic cliché here but totally true, they lived opposite ends of the country! Us down south, him in Newcastle.

Don't ever think down on yourself at 35! Although, I have to say, as I am making my way through my 20s (26!) I am starting to get this odd feeling too about getting older and panicking. Then my mum straight talked me and said she feels more confident at 45 then she did at 25. You'll be fine OP. Good for you for leaving an unfulfilling relationship. Many don't and then look back when they're older and wonder why they wasted their life. Never too late OP!

NamechangedHelpPlease · 14/01/2021 08:26

The term 'left on the shelf' is awful. You are not an item to be selected by some man and if selected you somehow become more 'worthy' than people who are single for whatever reason!

Don't measure your worth by someone else. Decide what you think will make you happy or fulfilled and work towards that. If it is splitting up then do it. Career change. Helping others. Travel - whatever it is.

Palavah · 14/01/2021 08:30

A relationship that isn't working is a masisve downer.

Yes you will feel different about dating and have different experiences at 35 compared with 31, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun and certainly doesn't mean you cant find a loving relationship.

If you don't want kids that relieves a whole load of pressure! Do give some consideration to whether you are happy to date someone who already has children.

Finishing a relationship that isn't right for you can be sad but also hugely liberating. I bet you'll find a new lease of life when you do.

WombatChocolate · 14/01/2021 08:33

Although the phrase ‘on the shelf’ might not be popular today, I think it’s fair to acknowledge that lots of women do feel this way. Quite simply, they are single and don’t want to be. And saying that society doesn’t require women to have a man, or you shouldn’t feel like that doesn’t help. If you’re single and really don’t want to be, that is a valid feeling.

I guess, in all stages of life a really important thing is to have hope. Lots of the stories on here show that women above your age find partners and are happy. It certainly can happen. You might want some time on your own if you’re coming out if a relationship and clearly Covid doesn’t help anyone find someone. But when you’re ready, you can get out there and you can be cheery and positive and you can know you’ve met people before and you can again.

I guess it is different as you get older and there are dispiriting stories about dating at all ages, but also loads of success stories all around us. You’ll have to find what kind of dating you’re happy to do and what feels right for you.

I do think the fact you aren’t bothered about children (although do check with yourself if that is definitively the case) probably opens up a wider circle of men to you. Some if these will actually be time wasters who just don’t want anything long term, but some will also be those who’ve already had kids and just do t want to start again with that but do want a life partner. Not surprisingly, many35+ women are keen to get on with having children ...totally understandable...and that can feel like a pressure to mean they haven’t yet got to know properly. So starting without that pressure might just lighten things a little. Often once people really know each other and if they commit, their attitude to kids might change anyway...although it’s a big mistake to go into something with that hope.

It’s a hard time Op if you’re coming out of a relationship, but try to be hopeful for the future, even if meeeting someone just isn’t right for now. Hope is the key...and there are grounds to have it.

Mummadeeze · 14/01/2021 08:33

Honestly, at 35 you are in your prime. You just need to get your va va voom back! Leave your relationship, spend some time pampering and focussing on yourself and then start meeting people again. I am 46 and hoping to leave my unhappy relationship in the next four years (I know, but to do with our daughter) and even I don’t feel too old to make myself look nice and hopefully meet someone more suited to be at that point.

Melonslice444 · 14/01/2021 08:38

Me as I've seperated from my children's dad in my early 30s as we lost our spark for two years. I just woke up and thought this isn't right. We were not clicking. Talking. Intimacy was gone.

I am dating again. I've been involved with a man in his 40s since the summer. Actually wrote a thread about him though yesterday as he's always making comments on my hair and I feel insecure. So not too sure if he's perfect. But that's a seperate issues.

I understand that it's hard to be with someone and look ahead thinking. What now? My ex worked all week. I looked after our children. One of us was always tired. We spent our time moaning. Complaining. Never enjoying eachother. Then I realised I wanted to do projects like the garden. He had no desire to get of the sofa. Sex didn't exist. He grabbed my bum or tried to hug me in the kitchen. But he did it when he hadn't cleaned his teeth or hadn't got changed. Made me pull back. I realised I didn't want him touching me anymore.

Eventually it was like a friendship. It's hard. It was hard. But I sat down with a cup of tea at the table. I told him where I was at. We talked for ages. Three weeks later I had to have the same talk with him. It was not easy. But I realised we get one life and I didn't want to spend it all sexless and without conversation and plans together.

There's still loads of years left in you. You are young. Don't panic.

buzzandwoodyallday · 14/01/2021 08:39

I split with my ExP of 6.5 years when I was 35. I met my now DP within a couple of months and am now 40 with 2 DC and very happy. You don't know what might happen in the years to come. Don't write yourself off yet op. I could never have guessed that this is what my future would hold. All the best to you.

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