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Original poster

40th Birthday Disappointment

81 replies

Ozzie2020 · 13/01/2021 13:23

I turned 40 recently and I'm massively underwhelmed and sad by the effort my husband made. I see 40 as a big milestone, in the past 10 years I had 3 kids, I have reason to celebrate, it's a privilege to grow old. I know we're in the grip of this pandemic but a takeaway, bunch of flowers and a thoughtful gift would have meant so much to me. He got me a Fitbit (3rd Fitbit he has bought me, he forgot about the other 2), at present I can't even get out for a 20 minute walk daily because he's never home from work on time so this Fitbit is like a plastic lump reminding me of how little exercising I'm doing. No flowers and I ordered our own takeaway. I keep crying and can't shake off this sadness. I feel I deserve better. I said all this and he replied that I'm hard to buy for. My family and friends did remember and sent some lovely messages and gifts. It's such a lonely time as it is without this damp effort for a big birthday. I know I should count my blessings but........

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/01/2021 13:26

Is he usually that thoughtless?
Because hard to buy for is a pathetic excuse actually
40 is a milestone and I think it takes very little effort for him to buy some flowers / order food and make a fuss
It’s telling you say he’s never home so you can exercise and he’s bought you three fit bits - is there’s a pattern of him not being present / engaged ?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 13/01/2021 13:30

I’m sorry for you. Every single woman I know felt let down by their (male )partner on their 40th.
It’s a milestone and these selfish fuck husbands can’t even get their act together to think ‘what would make the day nice’
One friend didn’t even get a card. Just: oh we’ll celebrate another time.
So: treat yourself to something epic.

Conkergame · 13/01/2021 13:31

I’m sorry OP, that’s rubbish. Happy birthday! Flowers

It’s not hard to get a cake, card, flowers and take away is it? In fact I did the first 3 for my friend I don’t live with for her recent non-milestone birthday and it took me about 20 minutes online.

Sounds like he takes you for granted, especially with not giving you time to get out and exercise. Think you need to sit him down for a proper talk about how you’re feeling and make it clear he needs to step up. Maybe set aside an evening in the next couple of weekends for a re-do of your birthday, where he gets it right?

turtletum · 13/01/2021 13:33

That does seems thoughtless and under whelming. My (not so significant) birthday involved my OH buying a 'fancy' take away, bottle of fizz, cake. He had wanted to take me on a night away but couldn't, obviously. He offered to book for later in the year or to give me cash so I could buy myself some clothes (returning to work after maternity, nothing did me any more). I took the money.

HappyFlamingo · 13/01/2021 13:33

I'm not into big gifts, but to give you a THIRD fitbit is truly rubbish. Make sure you get him socks for his next big birthday.

Cuntitinthebin · 13/01/2021 13:38

Yeah, I was going to say at least he made some effort, but your third Fitbit?? That's ridiculous.

Are the other two broken or just unworn? Sell about buy yourself something.

Latteatnaptime · 13/01/2021 13:47

Can you ask for a receipt for the fitbit? Use the money to buy yourself a proper frivolous present.

Sorry to say, but I'd assume a fitbit is a clumsy hint. He can't be do clueless to have forgotten he's bought you two already. It's really unpleasant tbh.

He's an arse. Do something nice for yourself.

Sillybeagle · 13/01/2021 13:51

Sorry to hear that OP. Truly rubbish, especially as it’s a milestone birthday.

It’s my birthday today. My husband asked me 4 days ago what I wanted. (I’m not difficult to buy for and I’ve dropped plenty of hints, I saw a beautiful little jug in our local garden centre before Christmas-when I pointed out that I liked it, he said he didn’t like it, that was it, hint not taken I think).

Anyway he put me on the spot and as I couldn’t think of anything in that moment he said ‘well don’t expect anything then.’

I know he went to the supermarket last night so assume I may end up with a bottle of fizz. I’ve also had to tell him to buy a bday cake before he comes home so the kids can sing happy birthday with me. That’s better than nothing and I’ll be grateful I guess. But it’s hard when you see years of birthdays to come where basically unless I order my own present then I’m screwed basically!

HyacynthBucket · 13/01/2021 14:02

I am constantly amazed on Mumsnet at the awful men that women live with. Not helpful I know, but generally - raise your sights ladies. People take you at your own evaluation of yourself. Can you imagine, to take the opposite extreme, a really high-maintenance diva type woman being treated like this on her birthday?
I feel your pain, however OP. On my very landmark birthday once, my DP came up trumps, but nobody in my family bothered at all - it was really hurtful.

notanothertakeaway · 13/01/2021 14:06

3 fitbits is lame

But, otherwise, I'd pay more attention to how someone is all year round. My DH and his family have great ideas for gifts. I don't, but I'm thoughtful and considerate all year round

pheonixrebirth · 13/01/2021 14:09

I got sweet FA too! After I Organized a huge surprise party at a fancy restaurant for his 40th and bought him a brand new iPhone. Actually sorry he gave me a handmade card (piece of A4 printer paper that he scribbled happy birthday on with a biro). Funnily enough my kids- all under 18 were able to order presents and cards for me online, which he then got arsey about because they clearly showed that even in a lockdown it could be done. It's all about the thought and the effort to me. Yep he's an ex now.

katy1213 · 13/01/2021 14:09

When his birthday comes round, you need to regift one of those Fitbits. Tell him you noticed that he seems to like them. And leave him to order a takeaway for himself.
I'm also amazed by how low the bar is set for Mumsnet men. Why do women settle for oafs like this?

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 14:10

He sounds shit
Dump him

ginswinger · 13/01/2021 14:31

I think if you know you have a partner who is a bit rubbish like this, it's worth taking the bulls by the horns and organising your own birthday a month in advance. Give him a list of gifts you'd like, phone number for the florist and web address for moonpig. Make it really clear what you expect and hopefully you won't be disappointed. If he still fails to rise to the occasion, I would forget his birthday in perpetuity.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/01/2021 14:38

I know we're in the grip of this pandemic but a takeaway, bunch of flowers and a thoughtful gift would have meant so much to me.

My friends and I don’t usually buy each other birthday presents, but we all did last year as everyone was feeling so shit and we knew it would be a bit of cheer in a rubbish time. If people can actually make more effort in a pandemic, it’s a bit pathetic if he’s using it as an excuse to make less effort - especially with his own wife.

Tier10 · 13/01/2021 14:40

I organise my own birthday. Pre COVID I always arrange a party for myself and a mini break. This year (in a few weeks time) I’m ordering tapas from the local wine bar place. My DH and I always discuss our birthdays a few weeks before the birthday person tells the other one what is happening. So my DH will arrange a BBQ and perhaps a show for his birthday and I’ll arrange mine. I’ll get the tapas, some bubbly, watch a paying movie or whatever and have a nice time.
I find this plan works well . Lots of my friends have rubbish birthdays but then they never plan anything or they say they don’t want anything and then are disappointed when they get nothing or hardly anything.

Doomsdayiscoming · 13/01/2021 14:44

Divorce him then.

If someone makes you feel like that, then why put up with it?

Men have formed an excellent mafia on being shit. They keep the average is so bad that when one occasionally does something amazing he is a god. This is all deliberate.

MyfanwyMontez · 13/01/2021 14:45

Oh, that’s a bit rubbish! I sympathise with you because for my 50th , OH worked( weekday) bought me a bottle of Prosecco which I can’t stand.
Said we would celebrate on the weekendOn the Friday, I had an epileptic fit and spent the weekend in hospital! That wasn’t his fault but a was birthday to remember for all the wrong reasons.

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 14:45

I used to get a bit upset on birthdays or any kind of special day - if I didn’t get what I wanted . My dh would think he’d done a great job and I’d think whatever he did was mostly rubbish lol . We had loads of arguments over the years . I could see him getting stressed as any occasion approached and I would too!
I now tell him what I want and the arguments have stopped and both our stress has gone .
It was my 40th recently too and I said flowers , what kind of meal I wanted cooked and what kind of clothes I wanted . It’s up to him then to put the effort in and pick really good stuff . The flowers ended up making me cry as they were amazing and he arranged them from all different florists , decorated the vase himself etc .
I’ve been out with men who just know romance and he’s just a bit hit and miss on that side . It’s helped us both so much for me to actually say what I expect - then no one is disappointed and he can show his love in what he picks knowing it’s things I want - rather than buying me crap I don’t want .
I think we expect them to be mind readers. My sister in laws husband is similar , he’s the most wonderful husband ( I lived with them for a year and he treated her like a princess - breakfast in bed every weekend etc) one Xmas I helped him Xmas shop for her and he broke out in a sweat he was so stressed , he was like a rabbit caught in a trap . I ended up giving him some boots I bought for myself to give to her.
I think if he’s genuinely a great partner then perhaps you need to make him aware but give him guidance on what you expect too x

MyfanwyMontez · 13/01/2021 14:46

By the way, Happy Birthday 🎂

Emelene · 13/01/2021 14:47

That's a shame OP. Especially the third Fitbit because he forgot...Sad
It might be worth looking up "the love languages" and having a conversation about it? Because some people genuinely don't realise gifts can be an important way of showing love and appreciation.

NothingIcando · 13/01/2021 14:49

Jesus there's plenty he could have done.
Even stuck inside the house.

Food,wine, flowers,photo album ordered online,nice new jammies or loungewear,he could have made a big deal putting on a good film and just generally making a fuss of you.

Are you past the point of speaking to him about it or could you say somthing?

NothingIcando · 13/01/2021 14:49

3 fucking fitbits Hmm

Gardenerboo · 13/01/2021 14:52

This is all ringing true. My recent birthday (just after Christmas) was ‘celebrated’ with a card and small box of lindor from my partner. For his birthday I took him out for the day, booked and paid for lunch and spent £50 on a gift. And I’m the one feeling grabby about mentioning it!

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 14:54

What I don’t understand is why three fit bits - I assume the others work ?? Are they each ab upgrade on the other one . I know a guy who only buys boots every year for his girlfriend as she loves the first time he bought her some - so it’s his ‘winner’ present . At least boots wear out though ...
it’s a bit strange to forget you bought a Fitbit before x