40th Birthday Disappointment

[Ozzie2020]

I turned 40 recently and I'm massively underwhelmed and sad by the effort my husband made. I see 40 as a big milestone, in the past 10 years I had 3 kids, I have reason to celebrate, it's a privilege to grow old. I know we're in the grip of this pandemic but a takeaway, bunch of flowers and a thoughtful gift would have meant so much to me. He got me a Fitbit (3rd Fitbit he has bought me, he forgot about the other 2), at present I can't even get out for a 20 minute walk daily because he's never home from work on time so this Fitbit is like a plastic lump reminding me of how little exercising I'm doing. No flowers and I ordered our own takeaway. I keep crying and can't shake off this sadness. I feel I deserve better. I said all this and he replied that I'm hard to buy for. My family and friends did remember and sent some lovely messages and gifts. It's such a lonely time as it is without this damp effort for a big birthday. I know I should count my blessings but........

Happy birthday.

Still, and will never be, sure of the emphasis on a birthday ending in 0. I know I'm probably in the minority.

I'm 40 in a couple of weeks. Couldn't care less about the number, like any other birthday.

If I was celebrating my 5th birthday and nobody came up trumps I'd probably cry but since adulthood I don't see the need to make a day all about me.

Isn't that special, MirandaMarple.

Now, back to the OP. I'm sorry! I totally understand. It's the thoughtlessness of it, isn't it.

Very thoughtless of him, why not return it since you have two?

@MirandaMarplel You may "not feel the need to make the day all about me" but you sure as hell are trying to make this thread all about you

Not particularly exciting but it's not exactly as though you could have had a party. Fitbits are not cheap but he was a bit thoughtless to get you a third. Could you go out for walk before he gets home?

My 50th was 3 years ago and it was utterly shit, all thanks to my partner. I met him just after I turned 41, and had spent the following 9 years telling him how awful my 40th was - I'd spent the whole day fighting with my ex because he wouldn't wish me a Happy Birthday, I didn't see him on the day and it ended up with a poor work colleague taking pity on me and taking me out for a chinese buffet that evening. I was home by 8pm...

So my partner knew well in advance that I wanted better for my 50th. When I turned 49 he said that we'd go to a certain Greek island for my 50th...but he kept putting off booking it. Left it far too late to have enough time to pay it off. At the time I was having terrible problems with my then neighbour (it eventually ended up in court, injunctions etc) and I said that at least I wanted my birthday, just that day, away from it. I had to book a hotel at a beauty spot not too far away myself...the morning of my birthday, my partner decides breakfast at a very rough Wetherspoons in the city centre is a suitable treat...we then go to the train station, and partner manages to get us on the wrong train. We are 30 minutes into the trip before I realise, we get off at the next spot. By this point I'm so angry, stressed and upset it sets off massive toothache, so I'm now in agony, too. I tell partner I'm going home - stopping off at a pharamacy to get oralgel, sensitive toothpaste and co-codomol on the way...

End up spending my 50th birthday night with the usual takeaway and the usual night in. 2 and half years later I'm still fucking angry about it.

It was my partner's 50th last November. We are in a LDR and due to tiers he couldn't come up to me. His parents took him for a night away in the Cotswolds. I didn't even bother getting him a birthday card (forgot to add that he spent 30 quid on my 50th birthday present, he gave it to me towards a ring I bought off ebay that cost £80...)

You reap what you sow.

Happy Birthday @Backtoschool101 x

I sympathise. I'm also apparently "hard to buy for"
It was my 40th two years ago and I'm still waiting for a present from my DH.

So will all the posters who have had a birthday with an 0 ruined or hardly acknowledged by their partners take control of their next big birthday? Plan their own birthday, book a meal or special takeaway, plan a holiday, point out a month before exact what they would like as a birthday gift etc. Or will they let it happen again? We don’t get many ‘0’ birthdays so let’s take control of them and make them fab. I’d prefer to have the memory of doing something amazing on my big birthdays (that I’ve arranged) than hold out for it all to be arranged for me. I know it’s different now in these COVID times but I arranged my own 40th party exactly how I wanted it, then went on a cruise on the actual day of the birthday. For my 50th I also arranged a party and then I was in a European city on the actual day. I planned an amazing breakfast, then went to a lunch time concert in a palace, had an amazing massage and time in a spa with champagne. I told the hotel staff in an email it was my 50th and they sent champagne and chocolates to the room which was upgraded because of the email I sent. Then I went to one of the best restaurant in the city and again had told the staff in advance so had an amazing table and a beautiful view and a complimentary special desert with a sparkler. Then walked back to the hotel and it snowed a bit (I didn’t arrange that). I know this is a bit of a showing off post but I’m trying to make the point that there’s nothing wrong to plan your own treats. I have these incredible memories and it doesn’t matter who planned them.

I think it’s different when you plan and treat your partner to a big celebration and thoughtful gifts and then get nothing in return.
It’s different if you’re both usually a bit meh about it and then you take it upon yourself to say I’m going all out for my 40th and plan it yourself.

I really sympathise. If he’s always been a crap present buyer but is good in all other ways, then I think it’s worth directing him to want you want and saying how upset you feel. Although I see you’ve told him. 🙁💐

DH is useless at gift buying. We’ve been married 25 years and yes I would get a bouquet of flowers and go out for a meal but beyond that it would always be you’re so hard to buy for, we’ll go out and get you something.
He is there in every way that counts but I learned to take the bull by the horns and we’ll go out for the day together in advance and I’ll choose. Last year I got a new patio set for my Birthday, a ring for our anniversary and Chanel Chance for Christmas. It might not be romantic but he isn’t mean. He genuinely doesn’t have a clue.

Just popping back here to say that someone (not DH) did actually get me a fitbit.

I was very un-MN and told them that it is (a)unnecessarily extravagant and (b) that I will never use use it so it is going back

I had covid on my birthday. I plan to celebrate when Im 50 hope flights be back then!! My husb family not big into birthdays think some people just are not.

OP, this will make you feel better.

For my 50th year we decided I could choose the holiday destination. We went to a place I've always wanted to go to, Venice and the surrounding areas. Whilst there my DH decided it was boring and didn't want to go sightseeing and he spoilt the whole trip. Then he decided he wanted to go home, so we did 2 days early.

My DH booked a business trip away over my 50th Birthday. He bought me a bottle of Champagne and a card, even though I don't drink. On my 50th birthday my DH called me from the Taj Mahal where he was having a lovely day trip and sent me stunning photos.

I bet you can't beat that for thoughtlessness?

He is lucky that I am still with him and has made it up to me since as he knows he was a total arsehole and that was my penultimate straw.

I turned 30 in the 2nd week of January and my husband got me...a bottle of wine. We don't generally make a huge fuss of birthdays though and he got me so many lovely thoughtful gifts for Christmas so I wasn't that bothered.

Sorry you're feeling a bit crap OP. It's definitely a bit of a thoughtless gift.

A repeat gift of a gift you already had 2 of from the same bloody gifter is a crappy thoughtless gift whatever the occasion.

@Doomsdayiscoming

Divorce him then.

If someone makes you feel like that, then why put up with it?

Men have formed an excellent mafia on being shit. They keep the average is so bad that when one occasionally does something amazing he is a god. This is all deliberate.

Totally agree.

I may, after many years, be getting through to mine that it isn't the amount of money that something costs that matters, its the thought that goes into it.

To be 'successful' at gift buying, you have to listen to the other person and know them, and what they would like. Then, you have to care enough to make that happen correctly.

He hit a bit of a low point this year - birthday was a dress I already own, Christmas was tickets to an event I've been wanting to go to for 10 years - which would have been great except he bought a type of ticket I can't use and hadn't thought it through in terms of our calendar, because we have a clash on the dates this year which can't be changed. He realised this on Christmas Eve when I was talking to the other half of the other plans, and his response was to immediately give me the 'present' then with big, sad eyes.

It was obvious from what he said that he was expecting me to make him feel better, and somehow sort it all out - googling additional tickets, rearranging etc, as I normally do when he half-arses something. This time, thought, I just decided I'd had enough, and rather than glossing it over, making him feel better and then being upset in private later, I actually sat him down and explained all the issues with what he's done, including the fact that - even without the clash - it wasn't a suitable gift, and had he actually thought it through, or had he bought it last minute.com without thought.

Christmas morning was cringe-inducing for him, as without the tickets, he had nothing really to show - the other 'big' gift was a cookbook that he was interested in far more than I am.

There's been some improvement since, but I have no intention of leaving my 40th in his hands, in the same way I don't let him touch family holidays or plans which matter to our DD.

Happy Birthday OP. The good news is that 40 is the new 30 so you can have another go in 10 years...

When you have calmed down a bit, hand him all 3 fitbits and ask him if he thinks you're Zaphod Beeblebrox (and if so you'll be needing 2 hats as well)

Bullshit are you hard to buy for.

He's too lazy/dull to be creative or thoughtful.

How hard is it to, say, buy some flowers, write a sincere note telling you how much he loves you and reminding you of a fond moment you two shared, and getting you either a) something you already like (so, say, if you like nice soaps, then a dozen really lovely French soaps) or b) something everyone likes (e.g. a picture of your family in a silver frame or a pair of earrings)? Or if you're more punk rock than that, I don't know, a gift certificate for a new tattoo or a pair of new Docs or something. It doesn't have to be fussy.

I have just purchased you a nicer present than your husband, and I don't know you.

I'm really sorry, OP. But please, don't let him put this on your shoulders. It's his shortcoming. And sometime, when you're feeling it a little less keenly, you should sit him down and tell him exactly how it made you feel.

@Oreservoir

My dh doesn’t forget birthdays but he doesn’t always think it through. Taking me to Rome for my birthday was amazing but not the best idea in August. I was dehydrated and feeling faint when we arrived at the hotel.

I’m sorry your husband didn’t celebrate it the way you hoped or consider it important.

Is he a keyworker? Could he be highly stressed from working in the pandemic and your birthday didn’t register much?

At least your friends and family sent lovely gifts and cards.

Your husband bought you a FitBit (not cheap I guess) but did you tell him what you wanted or leave him to guess?

Not everyone wants a fuss on their 40th, some of my friends were upset about turning 40 and didn’t celebrate. And it’s tricky to do much in a pandemic anyway.

I think many adults just aren’t bothered about birthdays. I don’t like mine being celebrated, not sure why, just feels embarrassing, like I’m a child again.

Happy birthday OP.

I'd like to say if he isn't usually this bad at birthdays then perhaps just have a chat and clear it up - it could be pandemic etc clouding his priorities. But a third fitbit makes this sound like an ongoing problem... If you find a magic answer let me know, because my DH is the same for every birthday. I'm training the DC to understand that it really is the thought that counts.

I was all set to say no one is getting much of a fuss at the moment so live with it. Also I don't expect a bigger fuss on round number birthdays. However nah, YANBU. It's the palpable lack of any thought. A simple conversation, kicked off by him, asking in advance what you'd like is all it would take.

Not everyone wants a fuss on their 40th, some of my friends were upset about turning 40 and didn’t celebrate.

Exactly. I have an EXTREME terror of age-milestone celebrations, to the point of sometimes literally having nightmares about people forcing me to celebrate my birthday. It's worse than usual at the moment, because of all of the publicity about Covid being increasingly dangerous as you get older.

Does he expect much for his own birthday?

I think I'd be more bothered that he seems so unaware of what you want/already have, as to buy you three Fitbits in succession, whatever the occasion. It's not something that people collect, after all!

Is he in general unaware of or indifferent to your needs and wishes? If so, that's quite a big problem.

Not everyone does like the same things. For instance, a pp. said:

something everyone likes (e.g. a picture of your family in a silver frame or a pair of earrings)?

But, to me, earrings would be a very thoughtless present, as I never wear them, and have always avoided having my ears pierced.

But spouse or partner should at least know you well enough to know what would be unsuitable presents.