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AIBU?

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Original poster

40th Birthday Disappointment

81 replies

Ozzie2020 · 13/01/2021 13:23

I turned 40 recently and I'm massively underwhelmed and sad by the effort my husband made. I see 40 as a big milestone, in the past 10 years I had 3 kids, I have reason to celebrate, it's a privilege to grow old. I know we're in the grip of this pandemic but a takeaway, bunch of flowers and a thoughtful gift would have meant so much to me. He got me a Fitbit (3rd Fitbit he has bought me, he forgot about the other 2), at present I can't even get out for a 20 minute walk daily because he's never home from work on time so this Fitbit is like a plastic lump reminding me of how little exercising I'm doing. No flowers and I ordered our own takeaway. I keep crying and can't shake off this sadness. I feel I deserve better. I said all this and he replied that I'm hard to buy for. My family and friends did remember and sent some lovely messages and gifts. It's such a lonely time as it is without this damp effort for a big birthday. I know I should count my blessings but........

OP posts:
Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 14:55

Apologies just read he forgot the other 2 :/

Justasecondnow · 13/01/2021 15:00

Would he expect a fuss? If not and wouldn’t complain at a lack lustre birthday and is otherwise a good partner, is it worth accepting this is not his forte and make your own fuss!

If he’s the kind of person who expects you to sort amazing things for his birthday but won’t reciprocate... He’s possibly not a very nice person and you have some having it out with him to do...

Ps. I don’t mean to disparage with word fuss. I like birthday fuss, planning for others and happening for me!

Oreservoir · 13/01/2021 15:04

My dh doesn’t forget birthdays but he doesn’t always think it through. Taking me to Rome for my birthday was amazing but not the best idea in August. I was dehydrated and feeling faint when we arrived at the hotel.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 13/01/2021 15:06

Happy Birthday, OP.
YANBU.

ShowOfHands · 13/01/2021 15:09

I've just turned 40 (on NYE) and most of the stuff DH had planned fell through due to being back in lockdown so has been postponed until April and he had to work an emergency 12hr shift all day. He still arranged cake, takeaway, flowers, a gift from the children and a huge fuss when he was here. We don't usually bother with birthdays but he made an effort precisely because we hadn't managed any of the stuff we had planned this year.

I wish you a happy birthday. I'm so sorry you are feeling unappreciated.

lboogy · 13/01/2021 15:14

I'm sorry OP. I've no advice other than what's been posted.

Happy birthday though DaffodilDaffodil

SunnyNights · 13/01/2021 15:15

Tell him you're hacked off and disappointed. Spell it out for him what he should have done to make it feel a special occasion.

I had my 40th in the summer, and my husband did loads to make it special - being a man isn't an excuse for being a thoughtless idiot!

UpShutTheFuck · 13/01/2021 15:15

Happy Birthday OP. Sorry your husband is so useless/thoughtless.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow. Should have been spending it on holiday with my OH, kids and grandkids but that it obviously not happening.

We will be having a take away from the chip van (all bars and restaurants are shut where I am) and we will have a glass of champagne to celebrate. DH is working (from home) all day but is going to do the shopping and cook a lovely meal on Friday.

I have no idea what he has bought me, but if it is a fitbit then I will be starting a new thread tomorrow to report on how long you need to wait in A&E to get a fitbit removed from your arse.

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 15:23

@UpShutTheFuck

Happy Birthday OP. Sorry your husband is so useless/thoughtless.

I have a significant birthday tomorrow. Should have been spending it on holiday with my OH, kids and grandkids but that it obviously not happening.

We will be having a take away from the chip van (all bars and restaurants are shut where I am) and we will have a glass of champagne to celebrate. DH is working (from home) all day but is going to do the shopping and cook a lovely meal on Friday.

I have no idea what he has bought me, but if it is a fitbit then I will be starting a new thread tomorrow to report on how long you need to wait in A&E to get a fitbit removed from your arse.

Haha 😂
giantangryrooster · 13/01/2021 15:25

So he can't be arsed. Up to you what you are going to put up with and what to do about it. At the very least tell him, he unknowingly has gifted you x amount of hours a week to use your fitbit(s).

I'm sorry, but I suspect you will moan and complain now, and then everything will continue as always and he doesn't have to up his standards. If so please atleast start giving him his fitbits back as only presents.

charliespie · 13/01/2021 15:34

Do you not communicate? I can't imagine a situation where not only did my husband not know what kind of thing I liked but also that I would sit back and say nothing knowing how shit he has been at gift choices in the past.

A lot of women do appear to wait for their partners to fail then feel sorry for themselves. The only way this will change is by communication.

NiceandCalm · 13/01/2021 15:37

When he steps out of the shower, put the fitbit on his penis and when he asks 'Wft?' tell him it's so he can see how much of a wanker he is!

FlamedToACrisp · 13/01/2021 16:01

I decided the family was going to Legoland (in the UK) for my 40th. If I hadn't, I would have got the usual box of chocs and "tell me what you want and I'll pay for it."

For my 50th, my sisters arranged a lovely tea with birthday cake in a cafe "because we know you don't like parties." I was disappointed, but never said so and pretended to be delighted. Yes, I don't like parties, but one every ten years is about right!

For my 60th, I'll probably have nothing, due to Covid and having an extension built.

My 65th will be a bloody brilliant party. Because I will organise it, invite people and make sure it happens. Sadly, some families just aren't good at guessing what you'd like.

Just tell him exactly what to do, and maybe rope in a friend to enjoy the fun of planning your own celebration.

ParisJeTAime · 13/01/2021 16:04

Yanbu, I think that's crap! My DH did nothing for my birthday once. Not one thing. I was massively miffed and he hasn't done it since. Stupid fucker. I don't think it's necessarily malicious or nasty. Just very thoughtless.

thereisonlyoneofme · 13/01/2021 16:06

on my birthday My late OH once stopped the car and gave me a few pounds saying just nip into the florists and get yourself some daffs

Tier10 · 13/01/2021 16:09

FlamedToACrisp why didn’t you arrange a party for your 50th?
I arranged a party for my 40th and 50th.

NeedToKnow101 · 13/01/2021 19:31

@thereisonlyoneofme

on my birthday My late OH once stopped the car and gave me a few pounds saying just nip into the florists and get yourself some daffs
That's really shit, but murder is a bit of an extreme reaction (sorry 😳).
giantangryrooster · 13/01/2021 20:03

Oh @NeedToKnow101 i sort of feel you should not laugh, but 🤣🤣🤣

Oblomov20 · 13/01/2021 20:10

I am really sorry OP. I had a great 40th. A party with my friends. Dh & I went to Barcelona.
I'm nearly 50. Post covid I will go to New York or somewhere special.
His inactive un-interest would hurt me deeply.

Backtoschool101 · 13/01/2021 20:40

Hear you op. My 29th today. Only my best friend remembered DH and 4 kids. All small so would need him to remind them to make a card. But nothing. I can't even be bothered to say anything.

Robbybobtail · 13/01/2021 20:50

I sympathise OP, dh is rubbish too. It was his 50th in November and I was feeling really ill but still managed to get him a couple of really nice items of clothing, a bottle of expensive wine and book a posh restaurant for the evening.
He had the cheek to moan the next day that I hadn’t bought him a birthday cake and even childishly came back from work with a cake he’d bought himself saying “I thought I’d just buy my OWN cake”. I reminded him that despite me always buying him a birthday cake and making a fuss of his birthday he has never ONCE bought me one, not even for my 40th. He also didn’t buy me a proper present for my 40th because it was during the first lockdown so he reckoned he couldn’t get to the shops - never mind that all supermarkets etc and online shopping was still available and he was going out to the office every day! I basically organised my own party in the garden (just for us and the dc’s) food, decorations everything - and then cleared up afterwards.

I’ve decided I’m never going to any effort for his birthday again and it really made me realise how selfish he can be.

Not much advice but I understand.

Mary46 · 13/01/2021 21:22

Feel for you. Happy Birthday. I get feck all as Im January. Always make effort for friends and family. Not doing it going forward. !!

gumball37 · 13/01/2021 21:29

IMO when someone says "you're hard to buy for" it really means "I don't care enough to listen to you and figure out what brings you joy". I am a phenomenal gifter...because all it takes is listening to people. I've only found one person that was a difficult receiver and it wasn't because of what he was given, but rather that he complained about every gift no matter what. Nothing was ever good enough.

Italiangranny · 13/01/2021 22:49

Well, you now have the next three years of birthdays sorted for him...... 3 fitbits to regift.

Order a takeaway for you. Tell him you didn’t get him anything as “he’s difficult to order for”.

Italiangranny · 13/01/2021 22:50

And Happy Birthday! 🥳💐