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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with 'friend'

61 replies

kazillionaire · 12/01/2021 01:15

So, I have a friend who I have been very supportive to, I have housed them, fed them, spent a fortune on socially (pre lockdown ) I have listened to their issues, am currently helping them through depression and generally put them first for the past two years.
Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves.
So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future. Can't say how as it's outing, why do I even feel guilty after hearing what they have been saying? So frustrating!
Should I sling their sorry ass out or have harsh words and lay the law down? I am very easy going but this has really got to me.

OP posts:
rebelwithoutclothes · 12/01/2021 01:19

Kick them to the curb.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2021 01:20

I think I would calmly ask for a chat and say "I've heard from X or I've heard on the grapevine that you're unhappy here, that you're unhappy being here with me and the children" and see what they say. Obv if they deny it be more specific - but I've heard you're telling people the house is messy and the children badly behaved"
Unless there's a possibility of someone lying maliciously is tell them that you think it's probably for the best that they find somewhere else to be by end of Jan. You have children, you wouldn't be putting anyone else first. Stop the cash cow.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 12/01/2021 01:20

Get them gone. If you lay the law down they’ll just bitch about that too.

I wouldn’t expect gratitude but I would expect good manners.

They are rude and ungrateful and I wouldn’t want houseguests like that.

Don’t suppose they are helping you with the supposed mess?

esselllx · 12/01/2021 01:23

Kick them out. How dare they. After all you've done for them. They don't deserve your hospitality or friendship anymore and if you continue to give it to them then your just a mug and they'll see you as that as well. They will take advantage of you once they realise your weak. Don't stand for it, you don't want people like that in your life trust me. Time to teach them a lesson

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2021 01:26

Talk to them. They sound unstable. You know what they are saying is not true. You've done a lot. Maybe time to help them move on safely.

PrankedByLife · 12/01/2021 01:31

Is this a man?

Original poster
kazillionaire · 12/01/2021 01:36

It's clear that they need some sort of counselling, they are on antidepressants at the moment too. They used to be lovely and I think I am holding onto the hope that things will change and go back to what they were, but I think I know deep down that they are taking the piss. It's just so sad that a brilliant friendship has gone to this, I am obviously alot more invested in it than they are.
Your comments are helping with my rose tinted glasses, I think it's the reality check I need to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
kazillionaire · 12/01/2021 01:37

@PrankedByLife yes it is bit it is purely platonic as they are gay

OP posts:
puddled2 · 12/01/2021 01:40

Can't just kick them out....just talk

Ilovechinese · 12/01/2021 01:43

Kick them out! It's all they deserve, how dare someone slag off you and your children after you have been there for them and supported them

esselllx · 12/01/2021 01:45

@puddled2 erm.... yes they absolutely can

BlueThistles · 12/01/2021 01:53

Fuck talking... they've been slating everything about you after everything you've done for them..

Pack their stuff NOW and kick them out and let one of those 'listeners' to their bullshit put them up..

They have ripped the piss out of your generosity... so there can be NO talking you round.. 🌺

Princessbanana · 12/01/2021 02:06

I’ve voted YABU because you aren’t kicking them out ASAP!!! Put your big girl pants on, think about Your future and Your kids futures and kick them to the curb. If one of your children had this problem in the future, what would your advice be to them??? Time to take your own advice I’m afraid!

Purplethrow · 12/01/2021 02:13

If you are absolutely sure that they really have said those things about you, I would give them a week to find somewhere else to go. You have gone over and above in helping them !

LaBellina · 12/01/2021 02:15

@Purplethrow

If you are absolutely sure that they really have said those things about you, I would give them a week to find somewhere else to go. You have gone over and above in helping them !
This ^^.

But be very sure that that they have indeed been gossiping about you.

TheSandman · 12/01/2021 02:16

Are you sure they said what their said to have said? or is however you heard this open to misinterpretation or wilful shit stirring by someone?

I would make sure of your facts before doing anything.

"A fiend said I heard that so and so was saying..." is hearsay. Could be totally false.

TheSandman · 12/01/2021 02:17

"...they're said to have said,"

BadLad · 12/01/2021 02:20

@kazillionaire

So, I have a friend who I have been very supportive to, I have housed them, fed them, spent a fortune on socially (pre lockdown ) I have listened to their issues, am currently helping them through depression and generally put them first for the past two years. Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves. So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future. Can't say how as it's outing, why do I even feel guilty after hearing what they have been saying? So frustrating! Should I sling their sorry ass out or have harsh words and lay the law down? I am very easy going but this has really got to me.
I think the early series of Two And A Half Men could be essential watching for you.
abstractprojection · 12/01/2021 02:31

Sadly it's a common human trait that people often end up turning on those that have helped them the most. Maybe it's embarrassment at being in need of their help, or resentment of you being in a position to offer it or your 'power' over them.

I've also found that with MH issues it can be really easy to fall into facilitating when you are trying to support, and that it can seem like they have no other choices but once you withdraw yours they tend to work things out.

I would try to forgive your friend before you act but be firm that it's not working out for you and it's time for them to move on.

Coyoacan · 12/01/2021 02:41

Do you trust the person who brought you this gossip?

Are you certain that person didn't put their own spin on what your "friend" said?

No matter how much you do for someone, they are still entitled have a moan about you, in my humble opinion, but not to the extent of slagging you off.

Sinful8 · 12/01/2021 02:41

@kazillionaire

So, I have a friend who I have been very supportive to, I have housed them, fed them, spent a fortune on socially (pre lockdown ) I have listened to their issues, am currently helping them through depression and generally put them first for the past two years. Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves. So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future. Can't say how as it's outing, why do I even feel guilty after hearing what they have been saying? So frustrating! Should I sling their sorry ass out or have harsh words and lay the law down? I am very easy going but this has really got to me.
Do it, who cares.

Also how did you find out

Sinful8 · 12/01/2021 02:42

@Purplethrow

If you are absolutely sure that they really have said those things about you, I would give them a week to find somewhere else to go. You have gone over and above in helping them !
Evictions are banned atm aren't they?
Purplethrow · 12/01/2021 02:52

I would think it depends if the op has a contract with the friend .

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2021 02:53

"Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves."

If you are absolutely certain that they have done all this then you really need to ask them to leave.

As for "this will cost them their future" - that is not your responsibility, it is theirs. You should be acting according to your and your children's best interests, not those of your disrespectful and derogatory 'friend'. He should have looked after his future himself; all it would have cost him was a bit of respect.

Sad to say, when you do a lot for some people over a long time - two years in your case - it's as if they acclimatise to the supportive environment you created for them. Their initial gratitude seems to wear out and be replaced by a sense of entitlement to your support. Your kindness becomes, in their eyes, the least you can do for them. I don't know why this is, but it just seems to be how some people (including him) are. For him, you have long ceased to be his kind and supportive friend; you are now taken for granted and your kindness is seen as only his due, his entitlement.

Once you get to that stage, I have never seen it go back to respectful warmth for your kindness. Please be reassured that this sorry state of affairs was not your fault - it's a part of his personality that has always existed, it just hadn't come to the fore until the conditions were right.

BadLad · 12/01/2021 02:57

Evictions are banned atm aren't they?

According to this, not for lodgers, unless its information is out of date.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers