Fed up with 'friend'

[kazillionaire]

So, I have a friend who I have been very supportive to, I have housed them, fed them, spent a fortune on socially (pre lockdown ) I have listened to their issues, am currently helping them through depression and generally put them first for the past two years.
Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves.
So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future. Can't say how as it's outing, why do I even feel guilty after hearing what they have been saying? So frustrating!
Should I sling their sorry ass out or have harsh words and lay the law down? I am very easy going but this has really got to me.

This is a bit juvenile on your part, their part (if as reported) and whoever made a beeline to tell you all this tittle tattle. I'd suggest everyone started acting like adults and dial the drama down a notch or two.

Honestly, I would've long since been sick of having someone who wasn't my spouse, child, or very near and dear relative living in my house and demanding so much attention and effort, even if they weren't two-faced and gossiping about me behind my back.

I'd get him out ASAP.

If somebody was ripping the piss out of my friends hospitality and generosity Id be informing them pretty soon, Kathleen.

Put your children first always. It doesn’t sound as if this person is bringing much to your life apart from grief even without what has allegedly been said. For me, you’ve got your priorities skewed and have been too kind. Too much kindness can lead to the losing all boundaries and resentment from the recipient. This guy has had 2 years or get his act together and hasn’t. He could present himself as homeless or sofa surf.

You've looked after him for TWO YEARS? And he still doesn't have his "future" at least semi-sorted? Nasty little CL. Send him packing before he saps any more of your energy and generosity.

[quote BadLad]Evictions are banned atm aren't they?

According to this, not for lodgers, unless its information is out of date.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers[/quote]
Lodgers get "reasonable" notice though don't they?

Regardless of what a contract says "reasonable" might be pretty vauge atm

Whatever the case, it appears not to be banned.

I wonder if he's paying any rent.

Why do you feel you are not worthy of being put first ahead of this 'friend'? Even before the slating you've fed them and housed them, without any reciprocation, sounds like a one way thing to me. The slating is the cherry on the top, I would be kicking them out ASAP. To provide some background you could talk to him first and let him know what a shit he has been after which you can politely ask him to get the fuck out of your house.

Have the talk by all means but get rid. Give them a week to find new digs but get rid.

This is a cautionary tale - a friend of mine took in a gay friend who was down on his luck - it has been hell for her. He got into a bad car crash (on drugs), ended up in hospital with critical injuries. He's on extreme pain meds. He set fire to the part of her home that he was living in because of being on the meds, but was not apologetic. He stole from her online accounts, and has not yet paid her back. She had the police come to her door more than once looking for him, being quite aggressive even though she is no more to him than a friend. It has been a NIGHTMARE.

I'm not saying your friend would do any of the above, and I'm not saying in any way that all gay men would behave like this - but I would say that once things start to sour between you, it will not easily get better, so better to cut your losses now.

I think friendships/relationships change forever when you help people who are at their most vulnerable point. Like you have. They find it difficult to ever see you again like just a friend rather than a person to lean on/totally depend on. A line crossed so to speak. You are so special to of been there but are you still actually help them or enabling them? Tough I know

Hi Op
Your Friend sounds like entilted Arsehole !
If this Nasty Talk isn't Just shit stirring stuff
And is definately Gossip from your so called friend.

(Stop making excuses for his Crap behavior towards you, for e.g you saying its mental health struggles, has created this, (he knows what he doing, he just couldnt Care less)about hurting, you if this true,he has been Slagging you off,right,left,centre,

Mental healthh struggles is not a a valid excuse to shit on someone from a great big height
I would this Nasty Attitude as a sign that he has for far tooo Looong outstayed his welcome at your house and a a sign of his true Colours of his nature revealing himself to be, he is taking you for granted(taking the piss Cause that is his personality type flaws.

You obviously need to kick him to the kerb by acting according give him a week or two weeks notice treat him like a lodger,in a business like Assertive way, saying you expect him to do all his own washing,cooking for himself paying contributing to paying towards the household.

Also any headwork Toxic Dramas to him moving out Don't put with any Crap,even to the extant you might have to have a straight talking friend for support to carry this through..

Please Ditch this friend A.s.a.p.!
Don't have anything to do with them.
This friendship that was once good,has changed to Toxic co dependancy in platonic way.
(Why do you feel such a need to rescue them constantly??

Improve your self esteem.!!!

Even explore going into some kind of a therapy that would be beneficial to overcome low cofindence issues you have got,where they have come from etc.!!!???
Focus on much more postive better friends, people in your life.

Put in boundaries to protect yourself emotionally from people who are negative.!
Know to spot,Avoid/deal with negative people etc..

Take care
x

Know your worth op.!!
You are worth much more than this
Kind of Shit Drama Talk..

You don't need it
Move on ok to better times now,

Sounds to me like it's always been an extremely one-sided friendship the way you describe it. What does the person add to your life?

Ask them to leave

How do you know he has been saying this stuff, had it come from a reliable source?

In my understanding of life so far, there are definitely some people who spin reality internally and end up really believing their own lies.

It is impossible to counter as the Internet means they have somebody somewhere, twenty-four hours a day willing to agree with them; to build the narrative of victimhood.

The only thing you can do is know what is real, and what is not and cling on to it with both hands.

Good God get rid. There’s ‘easy going’ and there’s no self respect.
This person is siphoning off your generosity and kindness and then complaining about the standard of service!
The audacity of it.

You seem to invested way too much of yourself and your resources.

It is not your job in life to fix their issues. Offer support and a few nights to stay - but after that they must take the reins.

I would ask them to leave, not because of the gossip you have heard, but because they need to find a way forward themselves, and you need to be putting your energies into your own life and children. You do not need to be the 'rescuer' being a good friend is sometimes letting others find their own way, by all means offer support, but you are too overly invested in this person's life, step back.

One of my closest friends is living with us at the moment. Just for 3 months. She's paying her way, acting like a third adult, cooking, helping with the animals.

Genuinely a pleasure to have despite being depressed and working loopy hours from home. 4 young teens are please she's here.

See the difference?

Put your children 1st

@abstractprojection

Sadly it's a common human trait that people often end up turning on those that have helped them the most. Maybe it's embarrassment at being in need of their help, or resentment of you being in a position to offer it or your 'power' over them.

I've also found that with MH issues it can be really easy to fall into facilitating when you are trying to support, and that it can seem like they have no other choices but once you withdraw yours they tend to work things out.

I would try to forgive your friend before you act but be firm that it's not working out for you and it's time for them to move on.

This doesn’t get said often enough on here.

Mn is full of rescuers who think that their helping someone should translate into gratitude and undying friendship from the ‘recipient’, whereas in actuality this can be almost as problematic a situation as being the new girlfriend who succours the strong-but-wounded man when he’s at his lowest (ill, depressed, unemployed, bereaved etc) and then feels entirely betrayed when he recovers and looks around for a fun new relationship with someone who hasn’t seen him at his humiliating lowest.

OP, people often hate their ‘rescuer’ — it’s an uncomfortable aspect of human nature, but being taken in and propped up by someone can breed very dark feelings of resentment. Don’t ever give more than you can afford, materially or emotionally. You sound as if you’ve ‘overspent’ on this person. Have they really lived with you for two years? If they are unable to work, are there no benefits for which they can apply?

Do you know for sure that she has said those things? Be careful it is not someone shit stirring.

If it's true and not someone else causing trouble then is it that surprising that someone you know is unhappy has been moaning and why does it bother you so much that you want to kick them to the kerb when you'd otherwise wanted to help them?

So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future.

But that’s not your problem. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

why are you doing all this then OP ?