Fed up with 'friend'

[kazillionaire]

So, I have a friend who I have been very supportive to, I have housed them, fed them, spent a fortune on socially (pre lockdown ) I have listened to their issues, am currently helping them through depression and generally put them first for the past two years.
Now I find that they have been slating me and my children, my home and my parenting, saying they are looking to move out (they have no money?) That my house is messy and I couldn't cope being on my own - hello, I was on my own before you came along...Also generally telling people how much I get on their nerves.
So tempted to tell them I know they are two faced and kick them to the kerb, however, this will cost them their future. Can't say how as it's outing, why do I even feel guilty after hearing what they have been saying? So frustrating!
Should I sling their sorry ass out or have harsh words and lay the law down? I am very easy going but this has really got to me.

*abstractprojection
Sadly it's a common human trait that people often end up turning on those that have helped them the most. Maybe it's embarrassment at being in need of their help, or resentment of you being in a position to offer it or your 'power' over them.

I've also found that with MH issues it can be really easy to fall into facilitating when you are trying to support, and that it can seem like they have no other choices but once you withdraw yours they tend to work things out.

I would try to forgive your friend before you act but be firm that it's not working out for you and it's time for them to move on.
This doesn’t get said often enough on here.

Mn is full of rescuers who think that their helping someone should translate into gratitude and undying friendship from the ‘recipient’, whereas in actuality this can be almost as problematic a situation as being the new girlfriend who succours the strong-but-wounded man when he’s at his lowest (ill, depressed, unemployed, bereaved etc) and then feels entirely betrayed when he recovers and looks around for a fun new relationship with someone who hasn’t seen him at his humiliating lowest.

OP, people often hate their ‘rescuer’ — it’s an uncomfortable aspect of human nature, but being taken in and propped up by someone can breed very dark feelings of resentment. Don’t ever give more than you can afford, materially or emotionally. You sound as if you’ve ‘overspent’ on this person. Have they really lived with you for two years? If they are unable to work, are there no benefits for which they can apply?**

This*

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Have the talk by all means but get rid. Give them a week to find new digs but get rid.

This is a cautionary tale - a friend of mine took in a gay friend who was down on his luck - it has been hell for her. He got into a bad car crash (on drugs), ended up in hospital with critical injuries. He's on extreme pain meds. He set fire to the part of her home that he was living in because of being on the meds, but was not apologetic. He stole from her online accounts, and has not yet paid her back. She had the police come to her door more than once looking for him, being quite aggressive even though she is no more to him than a friend. It has been a NIGHTMARE.

I'm not saying your friend would do any of the above, and I'm not saying in any way that all gay men would behave like this - but I would say that once things start to sour between you, it will not easily get better, so better to cut your losses now.

What the fuck has the fact that his person was gay have anything to do with it? You wouldn't have written, "This is a cautionary tale - a friend of mine took in a heterosexual friend blah blah blah..."

Yeah, I could have written male friend and then the sexual aspect would have been contested. Gay was only to point out that there was no sexual aspect to the situation at all.

I agree with @abstractprojection the whole dynamic of helping being helped needs to be kept as brief as possible.

My parents helped me a lot but they wanted more than gratitude, they wanted obedience, and they think that by taking their help I have sold my right to ever be hurt by them even if their actions are nothing to do with the help they gave me. They feel entitled to do what they do even if it is hurtful, in fact they just cannot process that they could possibly hurt me because that would make me UNGRATEFUL not hurt.
My parents cannot see this though and they back each other up so there will be no insight ever.

I know you're the helper in this situation but bring the help to a conclusion ASAP.

Whether he bad mouthed you or not, the situation isn't working.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Yeah, I could have written male friend and then the sexual aspect would have been contested. Gay was only to point out that there was no sexual aspect to the situation at all.

yeh, it's an important thing to be reminded of.

I think a lot of women are very kind to gay man and treat them like female friends but gay men are still men and there's the misogyny and entitlement there that you wouldn't have to deal with when the friend is a female friend, obviously (or likely) conditioned to say please and thank you and be grateful for the hospitality and the dig out.

Obviously that's a generalisation but it's still something to be aware of when opening your home up to a man, platonic relationship or not.

In his head he thought you were barely managing ''on your own'' and actually mentioned to other people that you were ''on your own'' before he showed up.

So rather than seeing it from the grateful point of view ''this friend has allowed me to stay with her'' he had rationalised that to ''I'm doing her a favour because she was just a ''woman on her own'' (what's wrong with that???) and now I've moved in, she's not on her own''.

I know that everybody/anybody rationalises the facts to make sure that they're not the one at fault. That's just human nature.

@abstractprojection

Sadly it's a common human trait that people often end up turning on those that have helped them the most. Maybe it's embarrassment at being in need of their help, or resentment of you being in a position to offer it or your 'power' over them.

I've also found that with MH issues it can be really easy to fall into facilitating when you are trying to support, and that it can seem like they have no other choices but once you withdraw yours they tend to work things out.

I would try to forgive your friend before you act but be firm that it's not working out for you and it's time for them to move on.

Good post OP.

Time for him to move on.

Focus on your childrens needs.

Does the person telling you this have any interest in the fall out?

I would try and get some first hand info before acting tbh.

I’d go for a reasonable conversation first. And then ask them to leave.

If you have been told the truth then fuck their future.
They live off you and slag you and your children off.

That kind of contempt should surely be a deal breaker. When someone bitches about your children, they lose the right to be called your friend.

So you've been guilted and into acting as their carer and mother?????

Their 'issues' are NO EXCUSE for slagging you and your children off - if the messenger is telling the truth.

It sounds like you've been entrapped into a codependent relationship with your 'friend' and it's probably time you rethought the dynamic.

You can't ASK for respect. So bin them.