To ask what your age gap is between children and pros and cons!

[Alicealicewhothe]

Just that really!
Wish you had them together closer/further apart?

Talk to me about sibling age gaps to help me decide on whether to TTC or not soon!

10 years :o

Pros:
Feels like you're getting a massive privilege to go back to baby/toddler land after so long. That wistful baby smell is so so delicious after being used to big massive upper primary school kid!

They are so different you end up really appreciating the cute innocence of the toddler and the independence/adult-ish conversation of the older one.

Older one can (somewhat) babysit - wouldn't leave him in charge yet but he can occupy the younger while I cook etc.

No toddler jealousy/aggression towards newborn, he was old enough to get it.

You already have the long-term perspective of the big one so don't stress so much over milestones, food, sleep, toddler behaviour, breastfeeding etc because it's obvious these things don't matter in time.

Although they are not at the same stage, this isn't as bad as everyone seems to think it is to manage - 12yo is still young enough to love having an excuse to go and mess around in sand/water tables at the park or gambol around soft play (when allowed!) despite the fact he would be much too cool to do these things normally. And the toddler is young enough to tag along to wherever, and not be bored because he's entertained pretty much anywhere as long as he can wander around and explore. OK, we're not doing family holidays at Peppa Pig World but quite frankly I don't particularly care! Plus, 12yo is perfectly capable of getting on a bus (corona excepted) and going to hang out with his own friends, or staying at home and having a fortnite marathon if he doesn't fancy an activity. Likewise, 2yo isn't aware enough to understand he's missing out if one of us takes the older one to do something grown up.

Cons:
We had got rid of everything so had to buy all new. Even after DS2 was born I haven't kept stuff of DS1's except a couple of sentimental bits, I don't want to be using 10 year old stuff nor storing it forever, it's not practical so you do end up buying twice. Things he used for longer (brio trains, lego, books) we have kept hold of, but not clothes, tiny kid toys or baby equipment.

Some of my knowledge is a bit rusty/out of date which can make you feel like a first timer again! Or just get into arguments on MN :o

Although they adore each other they don't have that really close relationship that I had with my sister, that I associate with siblings and had hoped for with my kids.

Their timetables clash quite significantly. I am getting woken all night because I'm one of those hopeless mums who breastfeeds them until they stop asking and then I'm exhausted in the evening which is when my 12yo has run out of screen time and wants to hang out. I think we could probably have more fun hanging out in the evenings if I wasn't so knackered and run ragged from trying to wear out a toddler all day! Preteens don't wake up until lunchtime unless forced to, so if we do family activities together we have to wake him up or we have a short window in the afternoon which suits everyone.

[quote Elletine]@Abadoo I’m so sorry for your loss [/quote]
@Elletine thank you.

Just over 2 years. More importantly, the school year was also a 2 year gap, and it seems really common so a lot of the school friend parents of each child were actually the same. Made things easier knowing some of the parents at school the second time around.

3 years between my 2, DS is eldest. It works out well because DS was past that rampant toddler bolting off stage when DD was born. DS looks after DD and is willing to play at dolls, baby games etc. They're still close enough in age to enjoy the same stuff.

Cons = DS has way, way more energy than DD and we sometimes have to cut park/outdoor visits short.

Oh, another good thing, they go to bed at pretty much the same time.

A little over four years for mine. It worked out really well for me. DC1 had some years of individual attention and was in preschool when DC2 came along, so DC2 also got their share of attention.

They got along very well as children and played together a lot. Now as teenagers they're still very close, despite being opposite sexes and having very different characters. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

I have a huge age gap between my eldest and youngest. 11 years. They are really close. Adore each other. So many people offered their opinions on the difficulties of an age gap that big but it’s a non issue.

2 years 8 months. It's a little longer than I had planned (I was aiming for two years but a couple of miscarriages got in the way). It was great, DD happened to be relatively independent by then: toilet trained, a good speaker, slept well and wasn't that bothered about the buggy so would walk. She also loved DS. They are 5.5 and 8 now and really good pals, it's worked out really well for us. I'm not sure if it would have been so easy the other way round, as DS was hard work at 2.8!

4 years. It works well, lots of one to one time when they were small as eldest was in school nursery when the second arrived. They've been into the same things at the same time for significant periods of time, sometimes the gap has felt wider, probably
mainly from when the eldest got to about 11. At 10 and 14 the gap has narrowed again.

17 months. It's brilliant. You're still in "baby mode" so aren't really making any big adjustments, the first one is young enough that within weeks they don't remember life before their sibling so there isn't much resentment there, and we found it to be very cost effective because the eldest was just growing out of all the baby stuff, and then toddler stuff, in time for the youngest to use it.

I always thought if I had a big age gap between them that I would feel like I was starting all over again. Babies are toddlers are absolute joys but they are very hard work and all consuming. I'm glad that mine are entering into new life stages quite close together so that I can gradually get my freedom/sleep back.

I'd say the main con is that you're absolutely knackered in the beginning. There isn't really much you can do about that other than middle through it.

@Abadoo

I have nearly 3 years between DC1 and 2. Jr was great. Big one loved little one but could do a few things solo and little one adored following big one around. Sadly our Dc2 died very suddenly. We decided to have dc3. Gap is 8.5 years to dc1. It's still wonderful. Dc1 is delighted and super helpful. Loves joining in playing and will hold baby / comfort if sad. I don't think there's a perfect gap. Just the best of whatever you get.

@Abadoo so sorry for your loss ❤️❤️❤️

14 months between mine and I love it... Ours wasn't actually planned and I don't think I'd have chosen that close together... but it's worked out amazingly. The first 1.5 year were the hardest, I was exhausted for most of it... but it's paying off now they're 4 and 3. They're so close and truly are best friends. They entertain each other which has been such a blessing during the lockdowns having a friend to hand 24/7.

11 months, both planned (and after taking medical advice).
It’s great because they have very similar needs, like to play the same things so play together, and they are incredibly close. This has made lockdown so much easier.

Mine are almost 21, 15, 2 and a 8 month old, 16 months between my youngest two and it's only just starting to get a bit easier, 20 years between my oldest and youngest!

My 3 are 9, 7 and 6 years old- 16 month gap then 22 month gap.

Pros-

Roughly same stages and interests
Run your home like a production line
For a large part of their schooling, they will be in the same school so no multiple drop-offs
You can genuinely give up on your house standards for a few years and no-one judges you
The intense baby/toddler stage ends fairly quickly
They can all fit in each other’s clothes

Cons-

Car restraint logistics
Try as I might, my middle child has received less one on one attention than the oldest and youngest
Every child has to be dragged along to their sibling’s activities as none are old enough to be left home alone yet.
Extended period of poo jokes with no gap between children to recover

15 months between my two teenagers
It was hard to start with but definitely the best move we made
They have always got on really well even though they are like chalk and cheese personality wise

@Mishmased thank you

There will be 12 years between mine!

Although I'm hoping for another in the near future, I'd love a 2 year age gap.

Unfortunately, like many others, it will be down to my fertility.

I had almost exactly 3 years and it was fine, no jealousy, but possibly I was lucky in that the first was a very easy, sunny-natured child.

A dd had 15 months between 1 and 2, admittedly hard work at first but lovely now, they’re such good friends, play together and enjoy the same sort of activities.

A major negative about a small gap may be if two lots of childcare fees are needed for a couple of years, but if that’s not going to be an issue....

I'd say it depends on a lot of factors like support around you, do you have relatives around to look after 2 under 5s while you work? Do your babies sleep well enough for you to consider another soon, any issues like allergies, eczema etc, will you be able to afford nursery and wraparound care for say 2-3 under 5 or 6? Are in ft, pt employment or a sahp?

We have 2 with a 30 month gap and they are nearly 8 and 5.5 and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. It has its pros and cons and works well for us because we felt if we decided to not have anymore at least they have each other and if we decide to have more later (at least 4 years after youngest) they will dote on the baby.

I love giving them the attention at each stage so that's why I cannot cope with 3 kids under 5. I coped well with 2 under 3 but I knee with work and childcare a third so close wouldn't work. Good luck with your decision.

21 months between 1&2

6yrs between 2&3

Close gap was good when they were babies/toddlers. At 11/9 they do share interests but also fight a lot. Both would say they prefer the toddler to their other sibling!

Big gap has been amazing. Both big kids were a massive help with baby. We find time for both groups - toddler goes to bed early enough for us to watch films or play board games with older kids and they are all fairly tolerant of each other’s needs.

I’m pregnant again - 3 yr gap this time - was aiming for 2 under 2 but my body didn’t play ball.

I think you will make any gap work. Our big one wasn’t planned but I’m hoping that 2 groups of 2 will work well.

Two years almost exactly to the day. The baby and toddler years were really really hard but as they got older it was easier. They like similar things and most of the time get on really well.
12 and 14 years between my two eldest and youngest. So far it's all good. They love helping out with their little brother and are fairly independent so it's easier in that way. but I think in the future it'll be difficult. As there is such a big gap they probably won't have any interest in the same things.

20 months between my two DS and the gap was chosen so I could get it all over and done with (sorry not sure how else to put it) I had terrible pregnancies and as much as I adore my kids I am not really a baby person.

I’m lucky as both my two get on really well but please do not base your choice on this assumption. My kids have friends who are also siblings with the same gap and they hate each other to the point they can’t be in the same room.

The advantages of a close gap:

1. The baby/toddler period is over and done with quickly.
2. Similar developmental interests
3. You are in the zone, babies, toddlers, teens.
4. Practical
5. School run hell over and done with

Disadvantages;

1. Really hard work
2. No sleep for a longer period
3. You can’t always give your time fairly to each child, a toddler will not understand the needs of a baby.
4. School runs with two young kids
5. Teenagers at the same time

Ultimately only you can decide on what works for you.

6.5 years between DS1 and DS2. I wish I’d done it earlier in retrospect but DS1 is adopted and I was very PFB about him and kept worrying that he might feel pushed out by me having a baby who was biologically mine. Silly me - DS1 adores his little brother and and DS2 worships DS1. They like a lot of the same things as well. There’s also 28 months between DS2 and DS3. That also works pretty well - they fight a lot but also enjoy each other’s company.

I was the youngest of three. DB1 is 7.5 years older than me and DB2 was 6.5 years older. It was ok when we were kids and great now but got very difficult when I was about 9 and they were mid-teens, which coincided with my parents’ acrimonious divorce - they were (understandably) out living their own lives, and at 18 both moved a long way away. So from the age of 9 they just weren’t on the scene at all and I felt like an only child. Very difficult!

19 months between DD1 and DS

2 minutes between DS and DD2

In some ways, now it feels like a two year gap as they are two school years apart.

Obviously twins have their own pros and cons, but ultimately you don't get a great deal of choice about that!

Pros of 19-month age gap

1. For much of the time you are at the same stage. Gap widens and retracts e.g. with starting school/starting secondary /puberty etc, but essentially you've got babies, or primary kids, or teens etc. Dealing with kids at different stages looks harder to me.
2. No real adjustment issues for older child as quickly becomes all they've ever known.
3. Similar interests/entertainment work for everyone. (Obviously not universally, but you're not dealing with one wanting to watch Peppa Pig and the other to watch Riverdale.)

4.Companionship for each other. 5.Through the sleepless bit quickly.

Cons

1. Very very very hard work when they are little.
2. Logistics of 3 toddlers - e.g. massive car needed for three toddler car seats, buggy issies.
3. Hard to get one to one time with children/treat them as individuals.

Overall, I think it's been great and I wouldn't change it. DH and I both have the 'classic' 2 year gap with our siblings and that has worked well for us.