To think I've been duped about the perfect man

[vikingg]

I grew up on Disney movies and romantic books as, I would think, a lot women did.

I'm on my second marriage and have been "in love" 3 times I would say. First time I was dumped at 18 and left heartbroken at the time. 2nd time I left him (1st husband), 3rd time (current husband).

With all 3 I had the supposed full on storybook love. Exhilirating, passionate, bliss. Until it either all went wrong or faded away.

I'm now so jaded about it all. Marriage is supposed to be until death us do part according to the vows you make to each other. Is that no matter what?Notwithstanding abuse/affairs.

Romantic movies make you believe there's a happy ever after. It's all bollocks. I'm so fucking cynical now I'm older and burned wiser.

AIBU?

Well it depends on whether you broke up with your two husband's because there was something wrong or just because it stopped being a Disney plot.

I mean you can get divorced for any reason but of it's a decade down the line and sex is weekly and it's all comfortable and happy but you expect him to ravage you on the dinner table like I'm the early days and buy you flowers every day like at the start, you're going to be perpetually disappointed

On the other hand if they've both turned out to be actual dicks, it could be that they buried the red flags under love bombs and you didn't realise until it was too late in which case you might want to reconsider what you look for the on early days

Falling in love is not the same as everlasting love. The initial passion/lust/desire has to mutate into something else - a long lasting bond, caring deeply for each other, a mutual willingness to forgive and to put each other’s needs first at times. And there must also be a sharing of values, as well as a common understanding of the economic side of relationships.

It was always thus - Disney didn’t invent the notion of romantic love.

It might depend on what you class as romantic.

Sometimes love comes in seasons.

As others have said, it depend why you split with them.

*depends

I would stop basing your romantic life on fictional stories and cartoons. If you have unrealistic expectations then you will never be happy

Well, only religious vows have the til death do us part bit. DH and I had a humanist ceremony (legally binding in Scotland) and there's only a legal declaration of becoming married to each other we wrote the rest ourselves.

Of course it shouldn't be til death if there is abuse/cheating etc since that's clearly breaking the rest of the love, honour, cherish stuff anyway so fuck the til death bit!

But I think people do get too wrapped up in some fairytale dream and don't actually see the issues until further down the line. That endearing cheeky chappy who is really just an immature twat who wants a replacement mummy, he was always like that. The broody serious guy who turned out to be a sulky emotional abuser...no shit.

Of course romantic movies are bollocks, they're all about persistent guys who don't take no for an answer until the woman eventually realises she was in love with him all along. Shite.

I'm not jaded (happily married) but I can see through the nonsense now.

If you were still believing in Disney fairytales past 18 that’s on you pet.

Christ. Who can be bothered getting ravaged on the dinner table after 10 years

I'm still with my current husband. With my first husband I guess I grew up. I was the "cool wife" with him and then I hit 30 (he was 13 years older, got together when I was 18) and realised he wasn't what I wanted long term - porn, drugs, partying. I changed, he didn't.

Disney films and romantic books?

No perfect men in any of them that I can recall.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but if you based your expectations of love around Disney you are your own worst enemy.

I think "romance" and all its hellish trappings are responsible for some of the worst ills of our society. The insane fixation on weddings (and proposals) as opposed to good marriages. Ridiculous old-fashioned rules about how women are expected to behave when dating which lead to them mooning over useless men and wasting time on them. Machismo and posturing among men. Failure of proper communication between couples about things that matter, like money, sex and child-rearing.

Marriage is a business proposal which - if done properly with someone you are compatible with -- can turn into a rewarding lifelong partnership. It should not be about "romance" which is a misleading confection of nonsense designed to hoodwink women into accepting a life as second-class citizens.

I seriously think this ought to be taught in schools.

@vikingg

Christ. Who can be bothered getting ravaged on the dinner table after 10 years

I'm still with my current husband. With my first husband I guess I grew up. I was the "cool wife" with him and then I hit 30 (he was 13 years older, got together when I was 18) and realised he wasn't what I wanted long term - porn, drugs, partying. I changed, he didn't.

Hardly a Disney prince then.

Or maybe I grew up, he didn't.

Well yes the first exhilarating stage of falling in love "romantic, passionate, bliss" as you describe when you can't keep your hands off each other, doesn't last. You'd be exhausted for one thing

I agree with yellow that's replaced by a better long lasting bond and shared experiences, a deep trust and understanding of each other. A respect for each other.

Let's face it, life is pretty shit and mundane day to day. My husband gets on my nerves quite often, I'm sure my husband doesn't love everything about me, we bicker, that's life isn't it?

I was never a fan of Disney films though. I preferred Wacky Races and The Flintstones.

@thepeopleversuswork This is exactly what I mean. My views and outlook have changed so much since my first marriage and again during my second marriage. I agree with you about marriage. Before it was for the wedding day, the fairy tale, the what I should do. I really wish I knew then what I know now...

A 31 year old drug taking weirdo with an 18yo girlfriend. ..not sure how that lines up with any of the Disney romance! Glad to hear you're no longer with him.

@SleepingStandingUp I have been on MN for years and have learned so much and changed my views in so much in that time, as well as growing up. Your post has hit a nerve. I haven't been single for any significant time at all during my adult life and I'm approaching 40 with 2 marriages under my belt. Still in my second one.

I saw the warning signs with my second husband and wasn't equipped to deal with the warning signs head on.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Quite. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[quote vikingg]@thepeopleversuswork This is exactly what I mean. My views and outlook have changed so much since my first marriage and again during my second marriage. I agree with you about marriage. Before it was for the wedding day, the fairy tale, the what I should do. I really wish I knew then what I know now...[/quote]
In all fairness to you women are spoonfed this shite from birth. Its everywhere and its very hard to see clearly through it.

@vikingg

Christ. Who can be bothered getting ravaged on the dinner table after 10 years

I'm still with my current husband. With my first husband I guess I grew up. I was the "cool wife" with him and then I hit 30 (he was 13 years older, got together when I was 18) and realised he wasn't what I wanted long term - porn, drugs, partying. I changed, he didn't.

Jesus Christ what Disney did you grow up on where you thought he was a Prince????

I'm confused that you agree with thepeoples view on marriage "it's a business proposal, and if you're compatible it can be a rewarding lifelong partnership"

If you know that now, why are you so disappointed with your current marriage? You can leave a marriage for any reason but if you're wanting out because it's not all heart racing romance and adrenaline then you're chasing an unrealistic ideal. Romance can take other forms; just being kind to each other, laughing together or being made a cup of tea, being listened to.

Perhaps consider marriage counselling? Are issues in your marriage fixable(?) before throwing in the towel.

I saw the warning signs with my second husband and wasn't equipped to deal with the warning signs head on. And now? You left one idiot already.

This is why I like Frozen, Hans is storybook Prince Charming I mean they finish each others sandwiches for goodness sake. Except he's a dick who tries to kill her. Kristoff is her friend, he isn't flashy, he's got a good relationship with his family, he cares about her before he processes to love net

What are the red flag in your current marriage? That it’s not heart-stopping Disney romance?

@SmileyClare Because my husband is now unrecognisable. He had an accident and it has resulted in chronic pain. It's now 4 years on. I've cried most days for the past few weeks. He's not the person I married and he doesn't take any steps to get better. He is miserable and angry all the time. He used to be the happiest person I knew and very laid back. We have 2 young kids. He no longer works. I work and am studying for a degree. He gets out of bed at 1pm daily and drinks most evenings. He will not do anything to improve things. He did stop smoking a couple of ago though.