To think I've been duped about the perfect man

[vikingg]

I grew up on Disney movies and romantic books as, I would think, a lot women did.

I'm on my second marriage and have been "in love" 3 times I would say. First time I was dumped at 18 and left heartbroken at the time. 2nd time I left him (1st husband), 3rd time (current husband).

With all 3 I had the supposed full on storybook love. Exhilirating, passionate, bliss. Until it either all went wrong or faded away.

I'm now so jaded about it all. Marriage is supposed to be until death us do part according to the vows you make to each other. Is that no matter what?Notwithstanding abuse/affairs.

Romantic movies make you believe there's a happy ever after. It's all bollocks. I'm so fucking cynical now I'm older and burned wiser.

AIBU?

Perhaps stop beating yourself up for having two failed relationships?

It's part of life to make mistakes, grow apart, mature. You're only human. Why not congratulate yourself for recognising they weren't right and having the strength to be honest with yourself and leave. It's all life's tapestry to throw yourself into life, make mistakes, experience things and grow.

See it as life experience rather than a failure on your part.

He used to be loving and adored me. He always wanted me in bed. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time or slept in the same bed, he normally sleeps on the couch now because "he fell asleep". He doesn't kiss or hug or touch me. He's now dismissive of anything I say. He's not interested in anything. He's talked of suicide.

He's been to a Psychiatrist, psychologist and occ health therapist. He says he's done everything. There's nothing more he can do he says.

So actually this has nothing to do with romance at all... your DH is depressed and angry and is not doing anything to help himself. I presume you've discussed this with him?

You don't have to stay with someone who is not enhancing your life and who is not helping themselves. Your romantic history doesn't oblige you to stay and bail him out.

Hes not abusive or cheating so I feel I can't leave, I made vows at our wedding. O feel I should give him a chance to get better mentally.

My parents divorced, it affected me badly. I don't want that for my kids.

@vikingg

Hes not abusive or cheating so I feel I can't leave, I made vows at our wedding. O feel I should give him a chance to get better mentally.

My parents divorced, it affected me badly. I don't want that for my kids.

Unfortunately it isn't that simple. Kids will pick up on the unhappiness between you, Dad's drinking etc. It may teach them they can treat you badly too, or they deserve to be badly treated too.

Moving on, being a string parent on your own doesn't mean they have to be miserable. I'd say it's HOW people seperate not that they do so that damages kids

@thepeopleversuswork It was the fairy tale at the beginning. Now I feel a fool.

We discuss it often. He says he'll try and his feelings haven't changed. I've realised after many many conversations like this that his words mean nothing. His actions haven't changed.

Sorry, I should say, it was a fairy tale before the accident.

Right ok I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. It sounds tough but you could never have predicted his accident or how it has affected him, your marriage?

This has nothing to do with you having a Disney idea of happy ever after. You're living with a disabled husband with depression and a drink problem, it seems as a direct result of his life changing injuries. Depression completely changes a person's personality and their ability to be a partner.

You don't have to stay in a marriage out of guilt or obligation.

He's not abusive so you can't leave...
He's drinking
He's dismissive
He gets up at 1 am because he's sat up late drinking then fell asleep on the sofa
He promises to change but hasn't
He won't do anything to improve his personal situation.

You do not have to live like this for the next 40 years.

@SmileyClare The weird thing is that practically the same thing happened between his mum and dad. His mum stayed. He talks of it often and told me very early in our relationship about how his dad was ill for 30+ years and the toll it had on his mum and him and his brother. I asked him if he wanted the same for me and our kids. He never answered. I can't face 30+ years of what is frankly misery. He can't find a positive in anything. He's constantly on the twitter echo chamber or downing a bottle of red. Doesn't exercise or go outside unless he has to, doesn't want to do anything to improve anything.

Homeschooling starts tomorrow and I will have to do that along with my uni assignment that's due this weerk plus my work while he stays in bed until the afternoon.

@vikingg

Christ. Who can be bothered getting ravaged on the dinner table after 10 years

I'm still with my current husband. With my first husband I guess I grew up. I was the "cool wife" with him and then I hit 30 (he was 13 years older, got together when I was 18) and realised he wasn't what I wanted long term - porn, drugs, partying. I changed, he didn't.

So when you say you feel lied to by romance films and expecting happy ever after, you expected zero personal growth from yourself for the rest of your life?

He does spend a lot more time with the kids than I do though. He plays with them more than I do. I seem to be the one that tells them what to do (teeth, get washed, dressed etc) and he is the fun one playing games and mucking around.

I suspect his drinking is the major influencer to his checking out of life so to speak.

Could you be completely honest and brutal? It's the drinking or your family, he has to choose. Then separate until (if) he can stop. I don't know, I'm not an expert on these sorts of things.

You say he's had therapy but maybe it would help you to have some counselling? You need to unpick all this, you've been through a traumatic experience with your husband s accident and difficult recovery, you need support.

If you spoke to an elderly couple who've been together for 60+ years do you think they'd tell you it's all been beating hearts and passion.

Life is messy. The perfect relationship to me isn't Prince Charming and all the fake ass Insta bollox, it's family, being best friends, companionship & seeing each other through life.

Do you think maybe your expectations are a bit much? Are you going glass half empty mode?

@Sinful8 I never thought about it, who would really be aware of their future personal growth? I thought I was smart after husband number 1, now with husband number 2 I've changed again. And I expect I will change further.

Doesn't sound like you've done too badly. You were dumped at 18 - well who wasn't?! Then you grew apart from your second husband. Not ideal, but hardly unusual.

I've had about 20-odd "break-ups" and despair of ever finding someone who'll stick around for more than three or four months. I certainly feel duped.

@SmileyClare I tried that. It has cut down. But only because we're in lockdown and I'm refusing to buy any more than a minimal amount in our weekly shop and I've made it clear there's to be no shopping in-between. Though I noticed he drank the fancy gin I got from family for Christmas the other day He isn't a gin drinker. Supposedly.

I went to Al-Anon meetings last year which seemed to shock him. But not enough to stop.

I've asked him to leave previously to give me soa email after he came home in a state and his behaviour was shocking but he refused to.

I had counselling during summer but was mainly to do with my upbringing but my counsellor did say that she thought I may have to deal with the loss of the man I married.

Do you think you're enabling dh to be like this?

You're holding everything together for both of you. I think you need to seriously think about splitting and co parenting, or at least being very honest and frank with him that you need things to change, that you cannot carry on as you are.

Never mind disney, You sound like fucking superwoman, working, studying, home schooling and caring for young children. Something has got to give.

*to give me space- not soa email!

[quote vikingg]@Sinful8 I never thought about it, who would really be aware of their future personal growth? I thought I was smart after husband number 1, now with husband number 2 I've changed again. And I expect I will change further.[/quote]
Tbf you said with H2 twas great until the accident. You aren't to blame for not predicting not only the incident but also the consequences of it. It isn't your fault that you couldn't fortel he'd turn into an alcoholic after an event you couldn't predict

Op, I totally agree. I have a SIL who genuinely still thinks Prince Charming is going to canter up on his big white horse and sweep her off her feet.

This is SIL, a 45 year old divorcée with 2 teenage kids. Not a naive 18 year old. The shit she is willing to put up with, in pursuit of the dream!

If he didn't do it yet, chances are he won't.

@SmileyClare

'Do you think you're enabling dh to be like this?'

I don't know. I do know I'm walking on eggshells all the time and being very faux happy until I breakdown every so often and he promises to change and then doesn't and the cycle continues.

[quote vikingg]@SmileyClare I tried that. It has cut down. But only because we're in lockdown and I'm refusing to buy any more than a minimal amount in our weekly shop and I've made it clear there's to be no shopping in-between. Though I noticed he drank the fancy gin I got from family for Christmas the other day He isn't a gin drinker. Supposedly.

I went to Al-Anon meetings last year which seemed to shock him. But not enough to stop.

I've asked him to leave previously to give me soa email after he came home in a state and his behaviour was shocking but he refused to.

I had counselling during summer but was mainly to do with my upbringing but my counsellor did say that she thought I may have to deal with the loss of the man I married.[/quote]
What would happen if you brought none?

I just want to give you a big hug. None of this is your fault, your husband has changed beyond recognition.

That doesn't mean the person you married was a dupe. He was that man but the accident, the chronic pain, his bitterness, strong painkillers and now the alcohol have become all consuming.

You don't have to accept this as your life. I'm so sorry. Life is so shit and unfair it's true but I think your current situation is really affecting your own mental state. You're allowed to put yourself and your children first

@SleepingStandingUp I did do that before lockdown. We've always had our shopping delivered so I didn't order booze and he would go and get it whenever he wanted because it was costing a fortune and as he's not working I couldn't afford the booze on top of our weekly shop. We have a set amount for shopping a month and then the same amount each "spending money" on top. But now I've been buying it with our online shop so he doesn't go to the shop over and above. His mum is CEV and he takes her shopping to her so we still get it delivered to us so we don't have to go to the shops.