To think I've been duped about the perfect man

[vikingg]

I grew up on Disney movies and romantic books as, I would think, a lot women did.

I'm on my second marriage and have been "in love" 3 times I would say. First time I was dumped at 18 and left heartbroken at the time. 2nd time I left him (1st husband), 3rd time (current husband).

With all 3 I had the supposed full on storybook love. Exhilirating, passionate, bliss. Until it either all went wrong or faded away.

I'm now so jaded about it all. Marriage is supposed to be until death us do part according to the vows you make to each other. Is that no matter what?Notwithstanding abuse/affairs.

Romantic movies make you believe there's a happy ever after. It's all bollocks. I'm so fucking cynical now I'm older and burned wiser.

AIBU?

Fair enough, wasn't sure if he was going out.

You're going to have to make a decision what you want from life.

Another 40 years of this? Imagine when it's just the pair of you day in day out. The kids seeing it and not having a love Ng relationship modelled.

Or a chance to grow, be independent, possibly find love, show your children their happiness matters too.

Were the same age vikinng and I couldn't imagine spending all that time trapped in a sexless shell of marriage

@SmileyClare Thank you I feel I have no one to talk to. I am normally the "fixer" and people come to me. I don't go to people with my problems. I spoke to my counsellor about this and I guess it's that I don't want to appear weak for whatever reason. I would never think a friend was weak coming to me with this and would be upset if I knew they were going through this on their own. I don't know why I feel I have to appear strong and infallible. I feel a look like a failure to my family and friends if I told them I was struggling or separating. But they would be more shocked to know I didn't tell them and stayed out of shame. Ridiculous I know.

Can I assume then you are the perfect Disney wife then??
Cause if you are I would think that is something you need to be more worried about!

Is your dh planning to work at any point in the future? He sounds reasonably able to get about, shop etc? He's probably lost all sense of his identity and purpose living like he does. He's trapped in a selfish cycle of drinking, depression and self pity.

I think really if he doesn't take action to change then you need to separate.

You're not being a "Disney princess" to expect to feel loved, wanted, listened to and respected in a marriage. Those are basic human needs. You're not expecting too much to want to be happy.

How long ago was his accident?

@SleepingStandingUp 'Another 40 years of this?' That is depressing. I'm 38 just now. I wonder to myself how bad does it need to get before I leave?

And about modelling a good relationship to my kids, I think of this often due to my parents getting divorced and having horrible memories of them fighting before that. My husband and I gave each other a peck a couple of weeks ago and our youngest was like "ewwww, stop that". I felt awful. I thought they'd grow up around parents who loved each other and were affectionate.

I'm going to bed now, I have my assignment to do tomorrow and homeschooling so need a bit of sleep! Thank you for letting me offload and for being kind

You're not a failure. Please take a big breath and talk to your family or friends. Tell them how you're feeling instead of pretending. You need support, you can't carry all this anymore.

I get it, it took me ages to admit to anyone that my marriage was failing, that he talked to me badly,that I was so unhappy. Once I was honest, it changed everything. It gave me the strength and support I needed to leave.

I'm not sure how you got so far thinking that's what love and marriage were about, TBH.

"Till death do us part" can work, but it's work, it's not all bliss, sometimes you don't feel much like mucking in and doing the work. Sometimes you might go through periods of feeling disconnected, other times your libido might tank, you might find you no longer share interests, and on and on.

It's something you decide to do, and the marriage happens because of that decision. Not the other way round, where you happen to feel some never-ending infatuation so you stay together.

Despite these things it's possible to have a good and satisfying marriage. Part of that satisfaction is the commitment itself, the vow, maintained despite these other struggles that intrude. I don't think the real deep love of a marriage really reveals itself for many years.

It sounds like your husband needs to figure out how to deal with his pain, and get better control of it. Drinking may well be an attempt to do that. Has he done much in terms of looking at different pain control options with his doctor?

Things like this, accidents that change people, do happen in marriages. People get old, sick.

I wonder in terms of pain management what your husband is taking? If he's prescribed opiate based painkillers; codeine, morphine or similar then these are highly addictive and will induce apathy, lack of sex drive, numbness of feelings.
Combining them with alcohol intensifies those effects but is also a potent quite dangerous mix which he will be completely addicted to. When the effects wear off he would be irritable, have mood swings, depression and anxiety. That would tie in with your descriptions of his behaviour.

An addiction to opiates/alcohol needs professional support to beat and withdrawal needs medical supervision. It's a extremely difficult habit to break; similar to coming off heroin.

@SleepingStandingUp

On the other hand if they've both turned out to be actual dicks, it could be that they buried the red flags under love bombs and you didn't realise until it was too late in which case you might want to reconsider what you look for the on early days

So you were dumped at 18, married someone else at 18... Not sure how long you left between marriage 1 & 2 to get to know the person beneath the "full on storybook love", but it doesn't sound like either had time to try to "bury red flags under love bombs"

If you leave current relationship, try to leave an interval to get to know yourself, be independent, grow up and work out what it is that you do want from a relationship - and how realistic that might be.

Hes not abusive or cheating so I feel I can't leave, I made vows at our wedding. O feel I should give him a chance to get better mentally.

There's no "can't" about it. You can leave for any reason you want. A man doesn't need to meet a threshold of awful behaviour to trigger your right not to be with him.

But he is an alcoholic. That's a terrible environment for a child to grow up in (I speak from experience of having a father as one and also of having removed my daughter from my first marriage because I wanted not to repeat the cycle). If you want your "free pass" to leave, that's it right there.

I understand your fear and concern for your children and wanting to think carefully about this before leaving. But unfortunately "staying together for the children" is as damaging if not more so than separating.

I am not going to tell you what to do with your marriage: it sounds like you have some more soul-searching to do, potentially with the help of therapy if possible. But it sounds as if you are looking for excuses not to leave: the fact that this is a second marriage, the fact you have children, the Disney stuff.

If you are unhappy, if he is refusing to meet you half way in the marriage, none of this is relevant. You are still fairly young. You are not obliged to spend the rest of your life clinging onto the wreckage of a marriage just so you can say you didn't walk away from it.

It's fiction, it's escapism, isn't that what some films are supposed to be about.

There's a reason fairytales usually end just after the marriage.

Most Disney tales are based on truly awful oral tales which contain a lot more death, rape and murder than Disney keeps in. They no longer reflect life, they're pacifiers.