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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh doesn't respect me

84 replies

Defeated88 · 09/01/2021 16:42

Dh confirmed what I have suspected for a while. That he doesn't respect me. And he thinks that no else does either, including our dd.

This came about after an argument where he shouted in DD's face as she listening. When I say in her face he was probably 1cm and bellowing at her, reducing her to tears (she's 6)

I told him never to do that again as I don't think it's right, which is when he turned round and said that because I don't discipline her properly that's why he and no one else will ever respect me and will walk all over me.

Have left him watching the tv while dd and I have done some jobs round the house. But feeling very upset at the moment.

OP posts:
WeAreShiningStars · 09/01/2021 17:59

Doesn't sound like a great environment for your little girl or your child-to-be. Walking on eggshells isn't a way to live ... for you or your children, and believe me, if you are, they are.

Is that really what you want for them? Home should be their safe place, not where they have to tiptoe around and kowtow to a man with such low self esteem he has to belittle and drag everyone down to his level. Hence his snipe at you when he knows you're well regarded at work.

I'd reconsider keeping him.

Tiktaktoe · 09/01/2021 18:00

So your grown adult of a husband bent down and screamed in your 6 year olds face and your biggest concern is that he said people don't respect you?
FFS! If you don't stop your husband abusing your child you are complicit in that abuse.

Porcupineintherough · 09/01/2021 18:03

6 year olds can be infuriating and, hands up, I shouted at mine more than once at that age. But no 6 year old does anything that requires you getting into their face and shouting. In fact that's totally unacceptable at any age.

Put that on top of the "eggshells" and it's not looking good OP . You need a plan.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 09/01/2021 18:04

What @Tiktaktoe said. Your poor daughter. Abusive father and complicit mother.

zukiecat · 09/01/2021 18:05

Please make plans to leave him OP

My mother was like this, shouting and yelling at me all the time, and in very close contact with my face. As a result I grew up terrified of her, and her rages, because it was drummed into me from a very young age, I also grew up thinking I was useless and ugly and stupid. I had no self worth, no confidence, just a terrified little girl inside, I still am, up to a point and I'll be 54 in two weeks.

I then went on to marry the first man who showed any interest in me, and he turned out to be abusive in every way possible.

Thankfully, I'm happily divorced for many years.

1Morewineplease · 09/01/2021 18:09

You need to tell him to leave and buy him out ( as you said that you can afford it.)
You and your children do not deserve to live with his behaviour.

Good luck OP!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/01/2021 18:16

What a big man he is making a 6 year cry .
He needs to be kicked into touch OP.
Please don't enable this disgraceful behaviour.

HyggeHeart · 09/01/2021 18:21

Whether he respects you or not is neither here nor there. The title of your post should read my husband shouted in my 6 year olds face. That should be your focus. You need to leave and protect her and your unborn child.

SummerWhisper · 09/01/2021 18:21

It's easier to leave him now. Once the child is born, you will be completely engrossed in feeding and caring whilst your daughter is subjected to his 'care'. Please, please don't put her through this. This is not about him not respecting you; that's minor. This is about his intimidation and vile bullying of a 6 year old girl. Not much of a man, is he? Your duty as a mother is to put your child in a safe place. You are not doing that. It must be hard to read and I'm sorry, but everyone's concern is about your daughter. Please make her and your unborn your priority.

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 09/01/2021 18:38

Flowers. This sounds awful for you and your daughter. I would look at this two ways. 1. Plan for when you kick him out and 2. If you think you can turn it around.

Tbh, I think you know he won't change. He is jealous of your success, and that's why he is trying to undermine you. Once on Mat leave you'll be even more isolated. Speak to a friend and find the best local divorce solicitor.
I would also invest some time in building up your daughter confidence. No child should have to deal with that.

Life is too short to put up with this.

user1471538283 · 09/01/2021 18:41

Of he fucks then to someone who will "respect" him. No one would ever bellow in my child's face. She must have been terrified.

Ginfordinner · 09/01/2021 18:46

@1FootInTheRave

You are massively failing your daughter.
And your unborn child. He is an inadequate bully, and behaves like this to get the upper hand. Something he clearly doesn't have.

This is a dysfunctional relationship, but your children will grow up thinking that this is normal unless he does something to address his behaviour or you leave him.

This is not normal behaviour.

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 18:48

He sounds awful. I got rid of mine and now we have a lovely, calm home. She respects me and we don't shout. She says Daddy shouts at her though at his house (she's 4). It's so sad but she has what she needs in me x

NovemberR · 09/01/2021 18:50

Tbh you seem to be more upset that he's told you he doesn't respect you than anything else. And you are focused on justifying the fact that you are respected at work and he's wrong. That's what I find disturbing.

What you should be focused on is the fact that he was so aggressive to your 6 yo that he utterly terrified her. What kind of arsehole screams into the face of a little girl?

Stop minimising allowing a grown man to terrify your child. It's your job to protect her.

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 18:50

I'd guess you're doing better than him and he can't cope with that - that's what happened to me and it got A LOT worse before I managed to get rid of him.

That is abusive. Don't tolerate it if you can make a safe and calm world for your child - it is damaging.

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 18:51

NovemberR I think that's probably the impact an abusive husband has on you - you're so shocked at the way they see you, you can't actually move past that. But I understand why you've said what you have x

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2021 18:57

Why on earth was your first thought/concern that your abusive husband doesn't respect you?

Leave him. Regardless of pregnancy. You need to protect your daughter and your unborn child.

NovemberR · 09/01/2021 19:01

Royalbloo I guess so, and I'm so glad you got away from your ex.

I just cannot comprehend allowing anyone to treat one of my DC like that.

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 19:06

NovemberR I think it's just so hurtful and such a shock when you realise how someone sees you that you can't get past that. It's a tool they use. They hurt your soul so you're looking for reassurance as you know what they have said isn't true - that's easier than realising your kids Dad has verbally abused them and scared them. The foundations are rocked.

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 19:06

And you've spent so long bending to their will you think it's you!

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 19:08

Like lots of things it seems so simple but the abusive narcissistic personality focusses on YOUR flaws, when it's them who are wonky!

Royalbloo · 09/01/2021 19:08

I got blamed today for asking for my fifty quid a week maintenance- unbelievable!

HollowTalk · 09/01/2021 19:09

I wouldn't have any hesitation in leaving this man. I wouldn't allow any overnights for my daughter, either. Short regular contact would be fine, but I wouldn't put her in the position of having to spend a long time on her own with him.

Start to think things through, OP. Do whatever needs to be done to protect your daughter.

Tumblebugsjump · 09/01/2021 19:10

Leave and leave now, this is abuse, to you and your children, including unborn child. You are fortunate having the financial means to do so.

surelynotnever · 09/01/2021 19:12

You can leave. You have a good job. You have financial independence.
Being pregnant is not a reason to stay.