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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be this pissed off about DH wiping my hands on my pyjamas

114 replies

disneybee · 09/01/2021 00:26

DH put a bit of sudocrem on his lip, as it was a bit cracked - possible cold sore starting? I asked him if we should think about getting him a covid test as he's been quite run down recently (and I am cautious because we are in minimal contact with my elderly mother) and he complained about my insinuation about him being run-down. I pointed out he has been complaining about how tired he is, his usually poor sense of smell seems worse than usual, he had a random nap this afternoon and it looks like he's getting a cold sore.

While we have a conversation about whether he is run-down or I am being overly anxious, HE PICKS UP MY PYJAMAS OFF OUR BED AND WIPES THE EXCESS SUDOCREM OFF HIS HANDS ONTO THEM.

AIBU for finding that completely disgusting? Unhygeinic and unsafe? Lockdown with young children for nearly a year has our marriage on the rocks enough, I keep trying to tell myself to be less critical and less arsey, then he does something like this and all I want to do is take my stuff, my bed, my body and my pyjamas and have them in a separate room away from him!

He has since apologised for wiping his hands on my pyjamas as he could tell he really pissed me off, but it's just the kind of thing he is CONSTANTLY DOING!!!!!!!

Is this just lockdown fever or is this really disgusting??? LTB or AIBU??!

OP posts:
apalledandshocked · 09/01/2021 01:55

"Someone who used to make me laugh with his funny incompetence but now makes me want to smash my head against a wall "

The root of soooooo many posts on mumsnet. Not a criticism of you by the way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and when I get to be old and wise I will caution young women of this fact. But none of them will listen.

apalledandshocked · 09/01/2021 01:58

But yes, an adult chosing to wipe his dirty fingers on something I was about to wear would really annoy me. It would be gross if someone wiped their sudocreamy hands on their own pyjamas right before climing into bed (or the bedclothes or the curtains or anything), but deliberately chosing his wifes (I assume he was wearing something at that point) rather anything else is so disrespectful - probably habitual rather than deliberate, but that doesnt make it better!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 09/01/2021 01:59

*HE PICKS UP MY PYJAMAS OFF OUR BED AND WIPES THE EXCESS SUDOCREM OFF HIS HANDS ONTO THEM.

HE PICKS UP MY PYJAMAS OFF OUR BED AND WIPES THE EXCESS SUDOCREM OFF HIS HANDS ONTO THEM.

AIBU for finding that completely disgusting? Unhygeinic and unsafe?*

It was excess sudocrem, not nuclear waste!!

Unhygienic? Unsafe?disgusting?

No no no

It would puss me off because It's greasy & might ruin my pj's , but I think you're wildly over reacting to this particular thing.

But, in general, he sounds like he's a bit of a PITA. Deal quickly or you'll end up at the point if no return, if you're not already there

sararh · 09/01/2021 02:01

I'd kick off at that.

Sounds like your problems run much deeper though, OP.

MustardMitt · 09/01/2021 02:02

Personally, I would have laughingly told him he was a minger and to put my pyjamas in the wash. Obviously for you this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I don’t think this is a hygiene problem unless you were also planning on wiping your face off on your pjs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/01/2021 02:04

@apalledandshocked

"Someone who used to make me laugh with his funny incompetence but now makes me want to smash my head against a wall "

The root of soooooo many posts on mumsnet. Not a criticism of you by the way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and when I get to be old and wise I will caution young women of this fact. But none of them will listen.

Yep

We start out as incompetent as them. No one is born knowing how to be a human.

But somehow most of us grow up and the "funny" incompetent ones dont bother because they are cleverer. They work out early on that someone else will do the spade work for them if they are endearing enough. We marry them because we expect them to grow and mature as we do, and they dont. This is why you get so many disappointed women who cant understand how they married a man at the same stage in life as them who seemed to simply stagnate and not grow up as they did.

The MN standard of "Why did you have kids with him then?" is always answered with "because he wasnt like that then!" except he was, and so were we, but he stayed as the inept 21 year old while we accepted adulting.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 09/01/2021 02:09

Yeah, funny it just so happened to be your pyjamas, and not his clothing. Why not wipe on his own sleeve, like MrsP said? Because it’s gross and he doesn’t want it on there.

Original poster
disneybee · 09/01/2021 02:19

@PyongyangKipperbang
"They work out early on that someone else will do the spade work for them if they are endearing enough"

Ooh yes this sums it up! DH's Mum finds him irritating and endearing in equal measures... once I had kids with him, oh then I understood the irritation!

And this is what my toddler DS is already doing to me... he's only little, but he already winds me right up then wins me over with a little twinkle in his eye!

I lectured 3yo DS the other day when he was deliberately making it difficult for me to put his shoes on him, "Stop being such a wee chav, because you'll end up marrying someone like me and they will find you really funny until they don't and then they will nag your head off for the rest of your adult life". DH overheard me and burst out laughing. Oh they both know what they are doing, the 3yo and the 35yo.

I think reading all these replies over (thank you Mumsnetters), I have answered my own question: Yes, I have lockdown fever.

Send help. And possibly divorce papers Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
disneybee · 09/01/2021 02:36

Also @PyongyangKipperbang you are so right about this: "This is why you get so many disappointed women who cant understand how they married a man at the same stage in life as them who seemed to simply stagnate and not grow up as they did."

I think the gulf between myself and my husband happened when my body was completely taken over by pregnancy and childbirth (and an early miscarriage) several times within the first few years of our marriage. I don't mean to be man-bashing, but instead I want to highlight the amazing process motherhood is. We have no choice but to grow and mature as a person when we have another living soul in our bodies to nurture and feed. Some partners and husbands seem to go on this journey with us and others seem to get left behind x

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 09/01/2021 02:36

This trifling sudocrem on pyjamas issue, would not bother me at all, most families don't have such pristine little lives.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/01/2021 02:47

I think reading all these replies over (thank you Mumsnetters), I have answered my own question: Yes, I have lockdown fever.

Nope

Sorry sweetie but you have a shit husband who takes you for granted as the grown up so he doesnt have to be.

Whether you are happy to live with that is, of course, up to you. But I wouldnt.

justilou1 · 09/01/2021 02:53

Have you thought about turning around and blowing your nose on his jeans or shirt that he’s wearing? Then just away.... feigning obliviousness. He’d soon learn.

Xmassprout · 09/01/2021 02:55

It shows a level of disrespectful and disregard for your belongings.

And ot absolutely is unhygienic. If someone is potentially brewing a coldsore, they should be washing their hands with soap and water after touching any where near the affected area. I'm not one that goes overboard worrying about germs, but I am the only one in my house hold that suffers with coldsores, and I do my best to keep it that way. I certainly do not go wiping my grubby fingers on other people's belongings

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2021 02:57

@1forAll74

This trifling sudocrem on pyjamas issue, would not bother me at all, most families don't have such pristine little lives.
Most families wipe herpes all over each other's clothes?

I rather think not.

DigitalChristmas · 09/01/2021 03:00

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Is this maybe the straw that broke the camels back?because it sounds like a pretty minor 'misdemeanor'.
I’m not sure it’s necessary the act itself but more an overriding theme of disrespectful behaviour.
DigitalChristmas · 09/01/2021 03:00

It’s not

TheOneLeggedJockey · 09/01/2021 03:20

The MN standard of "Why did you have kids with him then?" is always answered with "because he wasnt like that then!" except he was, and so were we, but he stayed as the inept 21 year old while we accepted adulting.

Gosh, what an eye-opener. I think this is right. I say (think) this all the time on here (not IRL, notably), from my smug position of having been ‘lucky’ Confused Hmm enough to marry a man who had adulted alongside me. I thought this was normal, but honestly, anyone who spends any time on MN must come to the realisation that perhaps it’s not. Maybe I really am one of the lucky ones, which is depressing as fuck. I can’t believe so many men just seem to opt out - but as ever, it’s only the people with the issues who post on here, so maybe it’s not really indicative. I hope not, as it paints men in a light so bad, I can’t accept it to be true.

This trifling sudocrem on pyjamas issue, would not bother me at all, most families don't have such pristine little lives.

I don’t think there are enough 🙄 on earth for that comment.

BusterGonad · 09/01/2021 03:20

Completely disrespectful, not only the fact it was YOUR pyjamas but also Sudocreme is horrible greasy stuff that may stain. If my husband did that to something of mine I'd be mad, but it sounds like it's a common accurance for you which is the big issue. A one off is forgivable but it sounds like it really is the straw that's broken the camels back.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 09/01/2021 03:26

I think reading all these replies over (thank you Mumsnetters), I have answered my own question: Yes, I have lockdown fever.

Nope

Sorry sweetie but you have a shit husband who takes you for granted as the grown up so he doesnt have to be.

Exactly. And he actually laughs at you for a). fully realising it, and b). putting up with it.

Original poster
disneybee · 09/01/2021 03:31

Wow I'm in awe of how conflicting the responses are to this...

Some people telling me my life is "pristine" to be upset about this, (its not pristine, trust me @1forAll74 and thank you for pointing out the danger of spreading the herpes virus @MrsTerryPratchett - it's a lifelong misery and not something to be careless or complacent about)

And others pointing out the general lack of respect.

Just puts me in a quandary....what do you do when you are not sure whether to stick out a marriage or make an escape despite the emotional fallout?

It's not like he is a terrible person, he's just a man child who might be ready for the next chapter in his life and possibly that means he needs to go it alone for a while?

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 09/01/2021 03:34

Maybe take a break? Could he move out for a bit, on his own, do his own cooking cleaning etc? Realise what real life is.

VetiverAndLavender · 09/01/2021 03:43

It's gross and disrespectful. I'd be annoyed and would have told him so. Let him wipe his hands on his own clothes, if he's too lazy to go wash them out find a tissue.

ginandbearit · 09/01/2021 03:52

Tell him to watch 'the Magic CoffeeTable' on youtube ...

BusterGonad · 09/01/2021 04:32

I've just watched The Magic Coffee Table and it's so true.

titan89 · 09/01/2021 04:34

if you were truly a couple/family it would not matter. You are not a couple.

The herpes virus, whosoever commented on that should also just give up on their own relationship. Complete Moronic advice.

OP ditch him, find someone, god knows where, that is as fussy as yourself and all will be well in the world again.