to give our baby my last name?

[lolatte]

DP and I were due to get married last year, but our wedding was twice postponed due to COVID.

We talked about marriage for a while time prior to this, and one of the key points in our discussions was the timeline of whether we would have children first or get married first - he would have happily had kids first, (he already has a 13 yo daughter from previous relationship,) where I said I didn't really want to have a different last name from my kid/s, which is one of the reasons I was keen we were married first.

Anyway, we did decide to get married first, but with all the Covid wedding postponements, and with time getting on a bit, we realised that we couldn't really delay our family planning any longer, given the unknowns. And now, happily, I am 13 weeks pregnant.

However, we told our families our news last week, and his family keep referring to Baby as Baby HisLastName.

He has a sister, who isn't married. She has two children who were both given dad's last names (two different dads, so siblings have different last names from both their mum and each other). He also has multiple cousins with kids in the same circumstances - long term relationships and living together but unmarried, kids all have dad's last name. It is very very much the established principle.

He also has a daughter from previous (non married) relationship, who has his last name - even despite them not being in a relationship by the time of his DD's birth. It seems very much all taken as a given, and when I politely suggested baby's last name wasn't a done deal yet, his family seemed absolutely horrified with me.

My family are all very nuclear - no babies out of wedlock, so not much precedent for baby and mum (or dad to be fair!) having different names.

I know that he would of course like our baby to have his name... as I would like our baby to have mine. We have talked about it, and he is trying to be understanding and not insistent, as am I. I get that most kids have their dad's name, it's not his fault we're not married yet, and it would be nice if both his kids shared a surname. It's just hard as there isn't really a compromise here!

He suggested giving baby my name for now, and potentially changing both our names to his when we (eventually!) do get married in the next couple of years. I think this would be fine within the first few years, but it's harder for a child to change once they know their name, so would depend on timing I suppose.

My thinking was if we are a family of 4, he and his DD / my DSD already have his surname, me and our new baby could keep mine, and we continue even after marriage as the MyLastName-HisLastName household, with two of us with each name. (DSD lives with us most of the time.)

I don't want to change my name without being married, and he won't want to change his either. And we can't officially double barrel due to the ridiculousness of the names. (Think MacNamara-O'Flannigan.)

I obviously also don't want to offend his family, who I get on well with usually! And they already seem to have taken offence at this even being a question.

So - sorry for the long winded post! Essentially - am I being unreasonable to give our baby my last name, despite him having tried his hardest to marry me before conceiving?! 😂🙈

I'd give the baby your name. As you say, it will be a nice balance of names in the household, and no reason to not keep it long term. I guess you could use his surname as a middle name
Disclaimer - we are very happily Ms Myname, Mr Hisname, and DS Myname-Hisname and have been married for 23 years

Quick registry office wedding?

If I was you I would get married quickly before the birth. You can’t have more than a couple of guests and no reception, but you could always do these things later on. But that’s just my 2 cents.

Baby takes your name.

Babies traditionally have their mother's name (which can also be the father's of the parents are married)

Stay traditional.

Change your name (and your DC's name) if you want to and only when you want to

I didn’t change my name on marriage and future children will have my name. I don’t see it as an issue and neither does my DH.
Absolutely ok for you and baby to have your name and him and daughter to have different.

If family challenge you look blankly and ask why wouldn’t baby have its mums name?
Other than patriarchal nonsense there is no good reason.

He did also suggest quickie / elopement wedding 🙈

We talked about going ahead with our ceremony last year even pre-pregnancy, with just a couple of witnesses, to allow us to get married before conceiving.

He was up for it - though we both have really close families, and it was me who backed out. I just felt it was too selfish in our case to exclude people we'd consider immediate family - his grandmother and my grandfather for starters, our parents and siblings, nieces and nephews who were super excited to be there.

@CMOTDibbler nice to see you have achieved a happy balance for so long!

I know a few couples lately who've got married and the brides have kept their own names - and I've been amazed at how many people still have issue / make comments about it, they've been really surprised and frustrated! Interestingly the key question they've had is - "but what will you do when you have children?!" Which doesn't make me feel better 🙈

I’m married, kept my name, my DS has my last name and my husband’s name as a second middle name. My in-laws hate it but he’s not their baby.

YANBU in giving the baby your surname. I would do that too.

@meditrina

Babies traditionally have their mother's name (which can also be the father's of the parents are married)

Stay traditional.

Change your name (and your DC's name) if you want to and only when you want to

^This. If you were married and had taken DP's name, the baby would be getting your new name. As you aren't married, the baby should still get your name. It's not like either of you are prevented from changing your names in the future... Maybe baby will grow up to hate both your surnames and deed poll themselves something else instead? Legally, they could do that and there's nothing DP's family could do about it.

@Avvii His surname as a middle name is something DP suggested too, which I thought was a good idea. I know my in-laws will also hate it though! Did yours make a fuss? Did you have a big conversation about it at the time, or was it just brushed over? I detest confrontation!

But your scenario is my ideal. I'd happily keep my maiden name on marriage if DC have my name too.

I did exactly the same as @Avvii. Why does your partner have any more right for your baby to have his name than you do?

If you are planning to take his name when you marry then I'd do a quickie soon as allowed and have a proper service later.

If you are worried you won't get married then why don't you just call it Baby Jones-Smith in whichever order sounds best and then if you get married to him you can just call the baby by his bit of the name, and it will keep the peace for now.

In response to your most recent update, its not a conversation. Its yours and your partners baby, you decide what happens and you inform everyone else.

I changed my name to my husbands but only because everyone in my family has different names now and it had already been changed from my dads to my mums. So it didn't really mean anything to me. DHs family all have the same name.

In your situation, i would keep my name, give baby my last name.

@laudete I'd usually 100% agree with this! Just in my specific case I've been wondering - as DP HAS actually tried to marry me a couple of times now, and would happily disappear to a registry office and marry me tomorrow if I was willing - if I was possibly being a bit unreasonable in the hugely extenuating circumstances!

Do agree usually though, unmarried couples should give DC mum's name as tradition. Have done the family tree recently and was surprised at how recently this has changed. Most unmarried mums in the past (in my tree anyway!) either got married shotgun, or baby was given mum's name, with dad's potentially as a middle name.

If you’re getting married... surely you’d just give the baby his last name because it’ll then be yours very soon? You could change yours via deed poll in the interim?

At least, this is what my unmarried friends have done (not the deed poll part).

I just think it would save the aggro of changing the baby’s name down the line?

In the nicest possible way, who gives a toss what his family do or think? It isn't their child.

My DC has my name, I am not married to their father so why on earth should they take his name? As others have rightly pointed out, the traditional rule was always that the DC take the mother's name, which is often the same as the father's due to marriage.

My inlaws don't like it, but why would I care what they think? We get post/presents addressed to "DC Hisname" or "DC Myname-Hisname" which just makes me laugh!

For legal protection plus the fact nobody ever gets round to it once the baby is here, you should do the quickie wedding.

I got engaged at 9 weeks pregnant and married 9 weeks later. You can have a big party after Covid - that’s not a good enough reason to avoid the legalities imho.

Regarding name, we both kept ours and gave baby the ridiculous double barrel, because nothing else seemed right!

You are making things difficult by refusing to marry without an audience and party.

Get married quick down the registry office. Then in a year or so when people can have huge gatherings do a party and maybe a vow renewal.

I'm also married and kept my name and two DC have my surname. Not his family's business at all.

@NaturalStudy Yeah, I do completely get (and agree!) it's not up to DP's family - just was a bit taken aback at their reaction! Would prefer it not to be a big deal, which it seems to be, and I think they'll turn it into a conversation even if we just inform them.

My partner and I are still having the conversation over what to do - I know baby having his surname means something to him too. Both of us are very family oriented and our names are important to us, so I'm more concerned at being unreasonable to my DP than to anyone else. There isn't really a compromise though, it has to be one or other!

We won't quickie wedding, can't double barrel, and neither of us want to change our own names 😂

Of course not, even if a married woman keeps her own no one thinks twice if the kid gets the dad's name. It shouldn't be so weird for kids to have their mum's.

But if you were going to get married, want to be married, want to take his name after marriage why not just give the baby his and then do a registry office ceremony as soon as you can?

Some very good points made so far - I'd echo PPs who say that traditionally, the baby has your surname. In the hospital they will refer to the baby as "Baby Mum's Last Name".

One of my friends never got around to changing hers officially after marriage - socially and at home she is Mrs X but in the hospital both times the baby was referred to using her maiden name i.e. the name on your medical records. Even though the children have their father's name on their birth certificates.

...something else I found interesting is that when a friend of mine and her DP went to apply for citizenship of his country for their baby, the baby had to have her name on the paperwork, even though they both wanted her DP's name for the baby.