to give our baby my last name?

[lolatte]

DP and I were due to get married last year, but our wedding was twice postponed due to COVID.

We talked about marriage for a while time prior to this, and one of the key points in our discussions was the timeline of whether we would have children first or get married first - he would have happily had kids first, (he already has a 13 yo daughter from previous relationship,) where I said I didn't really want to have a different last name from my kid/s, which is one of the reasons I was keen we were married first.

Anyway, we did decide to get married first, but with all the Covid wedding postponements, and with time getting on a bit, we realised that we couldn't really delay our family planning any longer, given the unknowns. And now, happily, I am 13 weeks pregnant.

However, we told our families our news last week, and his family keep referring to Baby as Baby HisLastName.

He has a sister, who isn't married. She has two children who were both given dad's last names (two different dads, so siblings have different last names from both their mum and each other). He also has multiple cousins with kids in the same circumstances - long term relationships and living together but unmarried, kids all have dad's last name. It is very very much the established principle.

He also has a daughter from previous (non married) relationship, who has his last name - even despite them not being in a relationship by the time of his DD's birth. It seems very much all taken as a given, and when I politely suggested baby's last name wasn't a done deal yet, his family seemed absolutely horrified with me.

My family are all very nuclear - no babies out of wedlock, so not much precedent for baby and mum (or dad to be fair!) having different names.

I know that he would of course like our baby to have his name... as I would like our baby to have mine. We have talked about it, and he is trying to be understanding and not insistent, as am I. I get that most kids have their dad's name, it's not his fault we're not married yet, and it would be nice if both his kids shared a surname. It's just hard as there isn't really a compromise here!

He suggested giving baby my name for now, and potentially changing both our names to his when we (eventually!) do get married in the next couple of years. I think this would be fine within the first few years, but it's harder for a child to change once they know their name, so would depend on timing I suppose.

My thinking was if we are a family of 4, he and his DD / my DSD already have his surname, me and our new baby could keep mine, and we continue even after marriage as the MyLastName-HisLastName household, with two of us with each name. (DSD lives with us most of the time.)

I don't want to change my name without being married, and he won't want to change his either. And we can't officially double barrel due to the ridiculousness of the names. (Think MacNamara-O'Flannigan.)

I obviously also don't want to offend his family, who I get on well with usually! And they already seem to have taken offence at this even being a question.

So - sorry for the long winded post! Essentially - am I being unreasonable to give our baby my last name, despite him having tried his hardest to marry me before conceiving?! 😂🙈

@Namechangelegalquestion

If I was you I would get married quickly before the birth. You can’t have more than a couple of guests and no reception, but you could always do these things later on. But that’s just my 2 cents.

I really would do this. You can have a blessing or something later.

Why the rush to marry?

@Starlightstarbright1 Of course we wouldn't consider getting married without 13 year old being there ❤️

We've really not been trying to discuss names with family - they've just taken to referring to the baby as "Baby HisLastName" as they assume it's a given I guess. I was quite taken aback!

I'd go for a quickie marriage now regardless of what decisions you make on the name. Then have the big "do" for a christening/naming ceremony with a marriage blessing if you are religious when everything is over given that there is no time limit for that.

@Mommabear20

I don't think it's a case of who is being unreasonable, both sides have merits. Personally I think kids should have dads name, as changing it later will be more difficult, and will come up when they're older regarding having ever been known by another name. Either way you will have to re-register baby once you are married.

Don't be silly.

user7778 I'm sorry. I genuinely thought weddings were still permitted (and was wuite surprised).

Having said that, that only applies in England (don't know where OP is).

@Nicknamegoeshere There isn't a rush to marry? We've been together a number of years, talked about marriage, he proposed a few years ago, and we planned a wedding for last year.

We'd originally decided to wait til after getting married last year to conceive - though that obviously didn't happen. As I'm 34 and our wedding was COVID cancelled with no certain date for rescheduling, we didn't want to put trying to conceive off any longer.

I don't want to shotgun wedding, I'm happy to wait. Just now not sure what to do about baby's last name, as I'd assumed we'd be married pre-baby.

@lolatte I mean from other posters, not from you.

I have a new baby with my fiance. She is db'd and when we do marry then hubby and I will both db so we are all the same.

If you were my daughter I would tell them to have a registry office wedding and worry about the big do later. I wouldn't even mind if there was no big party later, as getting the legal stuff sorted would be my first priority for her.

I'm not just talking hypotheticals here. I have two daughters and that is 100% what I would advise.

We also planned to marry but I lost my job so had to cancel. And I'm 40 so definitely couldn't hold off ttc. We will marry at some point (he's keener than I am) but no hurry x

Hi OP

If you are planning on getting married and changing his name then, then I'd just give the baby his name now, as it is kind of mad to give yourself a load of hassle in a few months and cause an argument for something that you're then going to back down on

I am ms stats, my husband is mr somethingelse and we had similar arguments. In the end he said if it was really important to me then they could be baby stats, and that kind of took the wind out of my sails and I agreed he could give them his name with my name as a middle name. He is the last one of a rare name and didnt want it to die out.

I am not sure I did the right thing, I'm not too bothered about having a different name to them to be honest, they don't feel any less like my family! But his name is foreign and it's a pain to spell. And with all the hatred for foreigners at the moment I am sometimes a bit worried people will see them as different.And they were both girls anyway so if he applies his logic about taking the fathers name to any children they have, then his name will die out anyway!

But in your circumstances its not like he didnt want to marry you, and it sounds like you would have changed your name. And you're the one who backed out of the wedding. It also sounds like he is not insisting either (which would automatically make me insist on my name, as apparently I'm an argumentative arsehole)

I'm the main earner btw so all of the financial protection stuff doesn't apply in our situation. I'm also the one with the savings.

@StCharlotte To be fair we're in Scotland, so could do 5 people at the moment in a registry office - the hard thing is you have to submit 2-3 months in advance for the legal paperwork / wedding licence though, and it's been impossible to predict the restrictions this far in advance.

@user7778 - I feel your pain, we rescheduled twice last year. We'd have gone ahead at one point with up to 30 present but no reception or party, which would have covered our immediate family at least seeing the ceremony, which is what was important to me. At that time Scotland was only allowed 20 though, so we've just given up for the minute.

my husband and i were not married when i had my son, on his birth certificate he has a 1st name a middle name then my name then his dads, he was known with my name till he was 8 then i changed it when mine changed, it was easier for school for him to have my name, i had gone back to my maiden name after my divorce, his family were not happy but it was my choice, it also saved kids asking why his name was different as that was happening to one of the other kids, that was 30 years ago so maybe times have changed. good luck with your little one x

In your circumstances, if:

1. Your DP is keen to get married and it has been you dragging your feet;
2. You’re dragging your feet for genuine reasons (ie you’re not having second thoughts); AND
3. You’re planning to change your name when you get married;

then I’d give the baby his surname now. What’s the point in gaffing about changing it later. You could always change yours now by deed if you like.

If any of the above assumptions are incorrect, then give the baby your surname.

@Nicknamegoeshere Ah ok, sorry! I was confused lol. Sorry to hear about your job situation, and wedding.

There isn't really a legal rush to get married here either - we have equivalent salaries, I probably have more personal debt but also technically more assets. (Our car and house for example are both in my sole name). I'm not concerned about him abandoning me or anything, (though I know not many people are when they are talking about getting married!!) - would probably review our wills sooner rather than later if we were going to put off getting married for a significant length of time though.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie Initially (hypothetically) some years ago he was quite insistent, which is why I was always quite clear that we wouldn't have kids til after marriage, or if we had kids before that they'd have my surname.

In the reality of the situation though he's not an ahole lol, and has been pretty open to the idea and supportive / understanding of my feelings and the circumstances we're in. Which is obviously great, but - similar to your experience - he's being so good about it that it's kind of knocked me a bit and I'm now worried about being the ahole and contemplating whether I should give baby his name after all! 😂

You do make a good point about logistics - my name requires constant spelling out, his is a bit easier. But mine is a nicer name objectively - and his rhymes with some rather unsavoury things which he has told me before was realised by schoolmates with some glee.

@BluntAndToThePoint80 Your points 1 and 2 are right.

The third point - I'd change my name anyway - I'd only do if baby already had his surname. If we weren't having kids, or I knew he'd be ok with baby having mine permanently, I'd keep my own.

Now you've said that you're not actually that keen on changing your own name full stop (that wasn't as clear in your first post), and that your DP is on board with the baby having your name, I would do that. You and he are the people whose opinions matter. The in laws may be shocked at first but they'll get over it. Put you as a couple and new family first.

In that case, then, I would say wait and have the wedding you want. Though Covid also gives you the perfect excuse to get married at the register office but have a 'real do' blessing / renewal / christening bash later on.

If you were married what name would you have and what would you have given baby ?.

Ah, have just seen there is still some uncertainty from him about the baby taking your name. In that case I would say think again about double barrelling. Some people's last names are very long now, it's becoming more common.

Sorry @Butterymuffin - didn't mean to drip feed!

I've always been a bit unsure about changing my own name, but not fully set either way. On one hand I'd like to be referred to as Mrs Hislastname - just the idea of not being Lolatte anymore makes me sad, so always been a bit torn about it.

DC's names were always the important factor for me, so I'd change my name (albeit a bit reluctantly) to match.

Give the baby your surname. Or change your surname to something completely different and you can all have the same, neutral, name.

Give the baby your name as it’s tradition to take the mothers name and that seems to have been phased out with thinking the fathers name is tradition.

When you’re in hospital, the baby will get your name whether you your in laws like it or not.

I think you need the decision about whether you'll change your name when you do get married or not. You don't have to do anything about it yet, but which way you jump should drive what you name the baby IMO, not the other way round. But make that choice for yourself, don't twist yourself in knots around the timings. If you decide to change your name, give your baby their dad's surname from the off. If you decide to keep your name after marriage, give the baby your surname.

It sounds to me that you don't really want to change it, and to me it follows logically that what you put in your OP about being the 50/50 family makes perfect sense. Yes your partner won't like it, but it's your name, it is not his call. And the baby's name follows from your decision about your own name, not the other way round.

Ignore, ignore ignore the Baby Dadsname thing. That will never be your baby's name. They will be called by their first name like everyone else. No one calls a baby Annabel Smith in day to day family chat. Just sidestep and ignore it all until the baby is here and named.