DP and I were due to get married last year, but our wedding was twice postponed due to COVID.
We talked about marriage for a while time prior to this, and one of the key points in our discussions was the timeline of whether we would have children first or get married first - he would have happily had kids first, (he already has a 13 yo daughter from previous relationship,) where I said I didn't really want to have a different last name from my kid/s, which is one of the reasons I was keen we were married first.
Anyway, we did decide to get married first, but with all the Covid wedding postponements, and with time getting on a bit, we realised that we couldn't really delay our family planning any longer, given the unknowns. And now, happily, I am 13 weeks pregnant.
However, we told our families our news last week, and his family keep referring to Baby as Baby HisLastName.
He has a sister, who isn't married. She has two children who were both given dad's last names (two different dads, so siblings have different last names from both their mum and each other). He also has multiple cousins with kids in the same circumstances - long term relationships and living together but unmarried, kids all have dad's last name. It is very very much the established principle.
He also has a daughter from previous (non married) relationship, who has his last name - even despite them not being in a relationship by the time of his DD's birth. It seems very much all taken as a given, and when I politely suggested baby's last name wasn't a done deal yet, his family seemed absolutely horrified with me.
My family are all very nuclear - no babies out of wedlock, so not much precedent for baby and mum (or dad to be fair!) having different names.
I know that he would of course like our baby to have his name... as I would like our baby to have mine. We have talked about it, and he is trying to be understanding and not insistent, as am I. I get that most kids have their dad's name, it's not his fault we're not married yet, and it would be nice if both his kids shared a surname. It's just hard as there isn't really a compromise here!
He suggested giving baby my name for now, and potentially changing both our names to his when we (eventually!) do get married in the next couple of years. I think this would be fine within the first few years, but it's harder for a child to change once they know their name, so would depend on timing I suppose.
My thinking was if we are a family of 4, he and his DD / my DSD already have his surname, me and our new baby could keep mine, and we continue even after marriage as the MyLastName-HisLastName household, with two of us with each name. (DSD lives with us most of the time.)
I don't want to change my name without being married, and he won't want to change his either. And we can't officially double barrel due to the ridiculousness of the names. (Think MacNamara-O'Flannigan.)
I obviously also don't want to offend his family, who I get on well with usually! And they already seem to have taken offence at this even being a question.
So - sorry for the long winded post! Essentially - am I being unreasonable to give our baby my last name, despite him having tried his hardest to marry me before conceiving?! 😂🙈