‘but’

[SkedaddIe]

I was just told irl that I'm unreasonable for adding a 'but' in a conversation.

We were talking about the White House insurgents and the video of the shot. I said ‘but’ after “it's terrible that a woman died"

AIBU? Are some things ‘un-but-able’

Well I have heard people say that when you make an apology, as soon as you say "but" it negates the apology, so maybe it was in the same vein?

Were they thinking you were saying it was her fault or something?

“However” would’ve been a better choice of word.

I used to say but after some sentences until my boyfriend pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and then I noticed how bad it sounded. I don’t do it anymore

Also she really shouldn’t have been committing a terrorist act by trying to force her way in to a Government building....

The but after that statement implies that, actually, it wasn't terrible at all.

In the context of saying it after someone’s remarks on someone’s death, I would say YABU. Unless someone is a really horrible person, ie rapist, murderer etc, I would say there’s no excuse to ‘but’ it.

However may be better then but. It,s not undermining a view, it may be saying that it,s not as simple or clear cut as some make. A lot of people are black and white when a situation is not blakc and white.

It depends what you said.

If you said, "yes, it's terrible that a woman died. But anyway, I've got carrots on, I need to go," then you're fine.

If you said, "it is terrible that a woman died. But she probably deserved it," then you're terrible.

So... What came after the but?

I saw the footage and she'd have had to have been blind to the way the police react in these situations. She was really stupid imo but It would have been better if they'd tasered her but They didn't know if she was armed herself. And the American police don't shock us when they shoot first and check later.

Now the above is too much like individual statements rather then a conversation.

It depends on what follows the 'but'. I was talking about the same incident earlier with my BIL and after everything I said he added a 'but' and quite honestly I found it infuriating because he was using it to excuse Trump and his atrocious behaviour.

So yeah...it depends how the conversation went down as to whether you were unfair to include a 'but'.

Atop being a coward and finish the sentence instead of just implying unlleasant end

My hubby always says " I'm sorry but......" . I tell him the but negates the apology.

@Livelovebehappy

In the context of saying it after someone’s remarks on someone’s death, I would say YABU. Unless someone is a really horrible person, ie rapist, murderer etc, I would say there’s no excuse to ‘but’ it.

Someone really terrible? Like a white supremacist terrorist taking part in an attempted coup?

Are you Northern Irish? If so it’s a dialect thing, isn’t it?

It does depend a bit on what you said next.

"But" is not an objectionable conjunction in and of itself, but there are contexts in which its use can be crass, objectionable and make you appear insincere.

Like the man who says "I'm sorry I hit you, but you made me do it".

I mean, if there’s a full stop after the ‘but’

Are you from the West of Scotland? Some people end every sentence with 'but'.

@Countdowntonothing

Was this about Washington DC? Something about "its terrible but only 1 death in those circumstances isn't bad going" type comment? I don't think that's unreasonable. "Its terrible but she was a trump supporter" We might all be thinking it but yea, that's pretty nasty and uncalled for.

It was 4 btw

The Americans have a saying: "everything before the 'but' is bullshit."

That certainly makes sense with apologies, but (see what I did there) a blanket insistence on not adding qualifications to what one says, or allowing for exceptions, or allowing space for explanations is illustrative of the black and white thinking, no nuance allowed, if you disagree with me you're morally wrong thinking which brought us Trump.

So: "it's terrible that a woman died but she had it coming" - pretty heartless.

On the other hand: "it's terrible that a woman died but given that American police are armed and she was trying to force her way into the seat of government while the senate was sitting, and furthermore, sitting in order to decide whether or not to ratify the electoral college result, so arguably she was seeking to undermine the democratic process through violent action, it's not really a surprising outcome..." - pretty spot on as a political analysis.

Use the word however instead, seems to be friendlier

Definitely.

I'm sorry, but...
I'm not a racist, but...
I'm not being funny, but...

Usually ways for people to say the absolute worst thing imaginable at that precise moment but think they haven't done anything wrong because they put their handy little caveat in place first.

As pp have said, its a different beast to 'It's a horrible situation but it could have been so much worse'.

I'm sorry, but...
I'm not a racist, but...
I'm not being funny, but..

Can I add 'I love you but...'