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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to try for baby 2 in the middle of a pandemic and living 6 hours away from any extended family?

75 replies

Postwhisk · 07/01/2021 16:21

My first born turns 2 this month and I really want to try for baby 2 but both our families (mine and my husbands) live 6 hours so we haven’t seen them since February, won’t see them for ages yet and they’re not apart of our daily lives usually anyway as we only see them twice a year.

Am I mental to want two young children when it’s just me no my husband. No nurseries yet but something we will do hopefully when this pandemic settles down.

Husband says We should wait and I’m worried he’s right.

OP posts:
Parkandride · 07/01/2021 16:23

Surely that's the same situation you were in when you tried for your first? Lots of people live away from their families or don't have close relationships. You'd be getting free nursery hours for your eldest when they turned 3 so would be a good time in my eyes.
Depends on the age gap you want, your ages, job situation, how you feel about being pregnant during all of this, no right answer

DisgruntledPelican · 07/01/2021 16:26

Your child has already spent almost half their life in a pandemic so it seems like you know the score on what it’s like raising kids without much help and support outside the family? (Hopefully in another year, the situation will be much improved, anyway)

It’s a good age gap in general.

The only person who needs to agree with you is your husband, though. It doesn’t matter what we think. Have you discussed his specific concerns?

EssentialHummus · 07/01/2021 16:26

Depends on the age gap you want, your ages, job situation, how you feel about being pregnant during all of this, no right answer

This. If you’re on the older side and an employed professional living in rural Scotland you’ll get a different response than if you’re a 22 year old freelance balloon modeller in Shoreditch.

I think family distance is a red herring here (and plenty of people have family 10 minutes away but can’t see them as they’re shielding).

FTMF30 · 07/01/2021 16:37

What specifics has he given for wanting to wait? Yes, we are in the middle of a pandemic, but how will this affect your family personally if you were to get pregnant?

mindutopia · 07/01/2021 18:07

It sounds sensible to wait a bit. It's only going to be 6 months or so probably, maybe a year. A bigger age gap is easier anyway (there's 5 years, planned, between mine). My youngest is nearly 3 now and I can't imagine also dealing with a new baby and him at home all stuck together. Nightmare. But it's no problem with no family around. We have no family near us and have always managed 2 children, plus busy full time careers, and for me a very long commute, with no family help. It's fine. It would be much easier in normal times though. I wouldn't want to be going to hospital appointments and putting myself and my baby at added risk right now.

Yoohoolovelies · 07/01/2021 19:35

We wanted to start trying at the beginning of 2020 and decided not to because of the pandemic...
Eventually we made the decision that we would try and I’m delighted to be due in July.

Frankly, just because you have one baby, doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed another. You don’t know how long it will take you to conceive or what may happen along the way.
Don’t put your baby wishes on hold because of the current situation.

Work things out when they need working out.

Sending love and wishes. X

VestaTilley · 07/01/2021 19:38

I’d wait. We have a 20 month old and would like another, but we’re waiting.

I do not want a baby in a pandemic. Mine and DH’s family are both far away, and nobody could visit at the moment. I don’t want to get pregnant and get Covid, and no baby groups or proper health visitors etc would be worrying.

We may end up with bigger gaps between children, but so be it. The economy might tank soon too- I’d stay at 1 DC for now if I were you.

Wanderlust20 · 07/01/2021 20:31

I'm pregnant right now, life goes on, you can't put your life on hold. Plus, even if you get pregnant right now, things are going to be different (virus wise) in 9 months Smile. And I'm guessing the situation with living far away from family won't change any way, pandemic or not, so that's not really an issue?

Wanderlust20 · 07/01/2021 20:33

Should add, I'm slightly older so couldn't afford to wait so I echo what others have said about having to consider other factors too.

TheMagicDeckchair · 07/01/2021 20:38

How old are you? We decided to try for a sibling but I’m 40 and didn’t have time to wait it out. If I was in my 20s I might wait it out for 3-6 months, see if I was going to get the vaccine anytime soon, if restrictions would be lifted so I could have hospital support, and have a slightly bigger age gap (your eldest will get some free nursery hours at 3).

duchessrose · 07/01/2021 21:02

I've just found out I'm pregnant but I'm 41 so I didn't have the luxury of time (we've been trying since before the pandemic started). We live near family but it won't make much difference as we never see them at the moment due to restrictions. One thing that they will be able to help with is to look after DD when I go to have the baby, in case I need a longer hospital stay and any kind of emergency like that - you need a trusted babysitter for situations like that, but arguably you should have one even with one child.

Pregnant women are statistically a bit more vulnerable to Covid so ideally it would be better to wait until you can get vaccinated first, but that would be months away and the age gap would get wider, plus you never know how this pandemic will pan out and another mutation could mean it isn't over for another year or more.

lunar1 · 07/01/2021 21:02

If you got pregnant quickly and we are still in this situation are you happy to attend appointments alone, and possibly give birth alone. Who would be looking after your child, are you in a bubble with anyone who could help?

Those would be my first worries, you also need to think about support if it's not all plain sailing.

LouiseTrees · 07/01/2021 21:29

I’d be more worried about the complete lack antenatal and postnatal care, no face to face breastfeeding assistance, and potentially giving birth alone than any of the reasons you’ve given in your OP to be honest.

AIMD · 07/01/2021 21:33

Personally I’d wait 6months and see what changes...that is unless you feel that you have a reason to start immediately.

The issue for me would be more about maternity care and being able to have partner with me in hospital...I wouldn’t be a worried about after the baby was born because we didn’t really have any family support anyway.

Toilenstripes · 07/01/2021 21:36

Honestly I would wait at least until summer. You will otherwise be making yourself incredibly vulnerable, both mentally and possibly financially. There was a thread earlier from a woman with a toddler and newborn, stuck inside, key worker dh....she was at the end of her tether.

Lemonpiano · 07/01/2021 21:38

I wouldn't be deliberately putting myself in the position of needing medical/hospital care - including possible emergency surgery - until this is over.

I can only assume you haven't experienced how horrendously dire medical and hospital care is right now?

It's a perfect way to end up with PTSD.

Lemonpiano · 07/01/2021 21:40

People who are dying spent Christmas day alone in hospital. Alone. No visitors for any period of time.

The hospital won't give a shit about allowing you to have anyone with you just because you're giving birth or have had bad news at a scan or are recovering from an EMCS.

If you're fine with that then go for it.

Daphnise · 07/01/2021 21:41

The NHS does not seem to be providing much in the way of normal service, so will there be any pre and post natal care?

And what if you have to go to a covid full hospital in an emergency?

FTMF30 · 07/01/2021 22:47

@Lemonpiano

People who are dying spent Christmas day alone in hospital. Alone. No visitors for any period of time.

The hospital won't give a shit about allowing you to have anyone with you just because you're giving birth or have had bad news at a scan or are recovering from an EMCS.

If you're fine with that then go for it.

Women are allowed a birthing partner with them. lm.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.rcog.org.uk%2Fen%2Fnews%2Fpregnant-women-allowed-partner-support-at-all-times-in-updated-nhs-guidelines%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR2OkClEtQmqqI1jW9ImiBDbhgIlbqXDDBKsg-mHV63tuYGarr0BeX4nHmI&h=AT3okJdGx9TkqYJLUtiFdLo2D8ugDqmBZrI1LllCFXaKCJhhwzz3hUtfRbPwgtezXy8gcBTjPOHykLgEw2L117KnXz46jhfG-wpTwfWBJRlMwh5n5lm3kV0uhFt-McztAQl1zwhHn7xiiZF5I9s
DianaT1969 · 07/01/2021 22:51

There was a thread on here recently by a woman who had two close together like you are planning. Her husband had been on board, but was a doctor, so thanks to Covid has to work long shifts and couldn't take much time off. She lived rurally, no family, no childcare nearby. She was on her knees. The thing I remember most is that she described how she gets no sleep at all. The baby was awake and feeding a lot and the toddler slept badly and woke very early. She couldn't sleep during the day. You might get childcare more easily, but Covid taught us not to rely on it. Think about how different it would be with a 4 or 5 year old who can be tired out and sleep through. Plus they can explain what they need, rather than frustrated toddler tantrums. Do you have a job to go back to? Might it be wise to keep your career alive by going back before number 2?

LouiseTrees · 08/01/2021 01:23

@FTMF30 but not all hospitals are applying the guidance

LouiseTrees · 08/01/2021 01:23

@DianaT1969

There was a thread on here recently by a woman who had two close together like you are planning. Her husband had been on board, but was a doctor, so thanks to Covid has to work long shifts and couldn't take much time off. She lived rurally, no family, no childcare nearby. She was on her knees. The thing I remember most is that she described how she gets no sleep at all. The baby was awake and feeding a lot and the toddler slept badly and woke very early. She couldn't sleep during the day. You might get childcare more easily, but Covid taught us not to rely on it. Think about how different it would be with a 4 or 5 year old who can be tired out and sleep through. Plus they can explain what they need, rather than frustrated toddler tantrums. Do you have a job to go back to? Might it be wise to keep your career alive by going back before number 2?
I second this.
Original poster
Postwhisk · 08/01/2021 05:39

Sorry I should have said I am nearly 37.

The comment about family is that if we are unwell or if we need a breather or support, we don’t have the option of anyone because our families live away and we can’t rely on friends because of COVID and also nurseries are open now but who knows what rules will be in 6 months time etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Postwhisk · 08/01/2021 05:41

Yes I work part time in a company I have worked at for 15 years and used to work full time there before becoming a mum

OP posts:
Tobebythesea · 08/01/2021 05:57

We don’t have family support too. We went into lockdown when my second child was 6 months old. The main thing that got me through the first 6 months was childcare at nursery for my older one. We have a three and a half year gap. It was supposed to be a smaller gap but we had mc.

If I was in your position (I’m the same age) I would start trying but go in with your eyes wide open. Look into childcare, get lots of meals in for after birth, lots of books/entertainment.

The five minute mum activities got us through lockdown.