Wanting to try for baby 2 in the middle of a pandemic and living 6 hours away from any extended family?

[Postwhisk]

My first born turns 2 this month and I really want to try for baby 2 but both our families (mine and my husbands) live 6 hours so we haven’t seen them since February, won’t see them for ages yet and they’re not apart of our daily lives usually anyway as we only see them twice a year.

Am I mental to want two young children when it’s just me no my husband. No nurseries yet but something we will do hopefully when this pandemic settles down.

Husband says We should wait and I’m worried he’s right.

I had my second in July when my first was 2y 3m. We have no family nearby.

I was pregnant before the pandemic, but in hindsight wouldn't change anything. I'd just had my anomaly scan before lockdown so DH didn't miss any appointments he would've otherwise come to but I would've been ok by myself if that hadn't been the case. Better to have someone with you, but not so terrible not to that it would change my plans about whether to have a baby (and yes I've had bad news at a scan before).

I had an ELCS, DH was allowed in with me in the morning and then left when we went to the ward. I stayed two nights and he was allowed in an hour a day. DD was actually born the first day partners were allowed visit at all so we'd prepared ourselves for nothing and while it would've been miserable it would've been fine. I noticed no difference in care at any stage between my first and second baby, our maternity unit is excellent.

Maternity leave has actually been lovely as DC2 is a much easier creature than DC1 was, and DH is wfh so it's lovely to have him around for lunch.

The big thing for us is that we've left DC1 in nursery. I utterly dread them closing and having to balance baby naps and toddler antics. But again, I don't think that'll be bad enough for me to think we should've waited.

And if you listen to half the nonsense on here, many would have you believe this won't be over for another 10 years.

OP I have 4 children and no support, honestly it's fine. My DH works away the majority of the week (HGV driver)
You just learn to manage.

The pandemic could over by Easter or we might have restrictions for years, no one knows. Besides any of us might need A&E or hospital treatment. People aren't going to stop having babies.

We are just seeing what happens with dc3 to be honest. We aren’t actively trying but not preventing either. What will be will be.

We did pause for a time with the first lockdown but who knows how long this is going to go on for!

He said he doesn’t want to think about it yet and to ask him again in a years time!

You can't really blame him. There is enough pressure and stress to contend with already, a baby will only add to that. Maybe he is worried about his job security as well?

@Icanseegreenshoots you know midwives/obstetricians aren't being redeployed right? Maternity care is maternity care, totally separate thing.

It's not any more of a 'strain' - I mean if I'm terribly wrong on this any midwives/obs can disagree, but I'm 36 and 10 weeks away from giving birth and haven't had a sniff of any negative opinion from any of my care team.

Anyway, it's been fine - second baby so obviously I know the score, but mw apps have been as normal, scans have been okay with my H attending and also homebirth services are running as normal in my area.

I didn't have lots of time to wait, so I didn't, and it's been fine - though it's obviously a little alarming right now with the new variant being so much more communicable. How long are you comfortable waiting op? Maybe reassess in March when a lot of the vulnerable have been vaccinated?

Lots of people are pregnant right now OP. I understand why your worrying.

At 37 I wouldn’t wait for the pandemic to be over. If you are both ready I would try now.

It is not negative at all to be pregnant in a pandemic panda but for most people, not all, it is far from ideal.

There are risks to pregnant women with covid, it is not ideal with so little postnatal support for mothers from family and friends, and if something does go wrong, a normal hospital is the most likely place a mother will end up being treated. That treatment might be compromised if you are in an area where hospitals have reached capacity - and are in a critical state.
I guess it does depend on where you live, but in London and the SE things are very very tough. That is not to say you won't get the care you need, and one would hope pregnant women would always be a priority, but it is not a brilliant position to be in is it?

Most women will go on to have fantastic pregnancies and deliver babies with outstanding care, and enjoy the time with their newborns without endless visitors might be a good thing!

I personally feel it is safer to wait, not everyone has that option due to age and circumstances, but I can see dh's point of view. He may be very worried about it, and I can't blame him for that.

Hi OP. I am in the same situation, 2 year old, 37, nearest family 2 hours. My feeling is that the risks of waiting outweigh the others and the vaccine roll out will be improving things immensely over the next 9+months so my choice is to start trying. Good luck with whatever you decide

The issue is your DH not wanting to ttc, thats the problem you need to work through and address together.

I'm TTC. I was pregnant, and had a late loss last year (loss during the November lockdown). And other than having to have a Covid test two days prior to delivery, it was the same, actually better, care than I had with my first pregnancy. Obviously all appointments and scans alone, which was incredibly unpleasant when getting bad news but otherwise not dreadful. If I fall pregnant again, it will be high risk and will need extra scans in fetal medicine and specialist MW care (I already know DH will be allowed to the appointments regardless of covid). I'm still going for it, this could rattle on for years, it could take years to conceive (or it may never happen) I'm not prepared to wait.

I think having kids with no local family is one of those things that can seem unfathomable to those with local family and unremarkable to those for who having no local family is normal.

I couldn't agree more. DH and I are both immigrants in Australia so if there was some kind of emergency where we wanted family help, they would have to travel from the UK. We don't even live in a big city in Australia, we're very rural, so the journey takes days. 2 long haul flights plus airport layovers, then 2 domestic flights, then an 16 hour car journey, which really needs to be split into 3 days because you can only safely drive in full daylight because of the wildlife. And it isn't possible right now anyway, because our borders are closed.

I am about to give birth to my second. All of my Australian friends seem to think that I am some kind of superwoman for being able to raise children without family support. It's totally normal to me and I really don't get what the fuss is all about. It's tiring, yes, but everyone knows that kids are tiring. It comes with the job. You make friends, build a support network, be organised and use any daycare or childminder services that you can afford, if they are available at the time.

I don't know any different and it's working out just fine for me. We all just make the best of whatever we have.

I have two babies with a similar age gap with just me and husband, no parents closer then a 20-odd hour flight away. It can be a little tiring sometimes but it's fine.

Do think deliberately getting pregnant in the middle of a pandemic is an odd choice but each to their own.

Hi Op, we waited and didn't start trying until the end of 2020 as we thought the pandemic would be easing off, we got pregnant straight away and now this wave is worse than the first so I suppose what I'm trying to say is if you want to go for it go for it, you can only plan your life at this point no point hedging your guesses on the pandemic easing - good luck

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

I have two babies with a similar age gap with just me and husband, no parents closer then a 20-odd hour flight away. It can be a little tiring sometimes but it's fine.

Do think deliberately getting pregnant in the middle of a pandemic is an odd choice but each to their own.

Even if OP waits till when? The pandemic could last another 2 years or longer.. OP is 37! I don’t think it’s odd at all. Life goes on we can’t just grind to a halt.

People even continued having babies in world war 2. You know that time that gets fetishized as a period of moral fibre on here.

@SnuggyBuggy yes but this is MN where only a very select few are good enough to be considered approved breeding stock. There is a narrow window for maternal age, you must be married, you must have a crystal ball so you can foresee any potential global or personal issues years in advance, you must be middle-class, and you must hate the environment.

It's a very exclusive club.

You also need to consider the provision of school holiday care presumably for potentially a decade in the future before TTC according to one thread

He said he doesn’t want to think about it yet and to ask him again in a years time!

Hmmmm I don't the issue is Covid!

Namechanged for this.

I'd crack on. I don't want to depress you at all, but based on our own experience there's no guarantee that things will necessarily happen straight away or go well. DH and I originally wanted a 2.5 year gap between children. Two early miscarriages and not much luck later, we're now looking at a minimum 4 year age gap. Also, there's very little NHS support available since understandably they're prioritising Covid. So we're way down the list of being able to even investigate potential fertility issues.

It was a shock for us since we conceived our first DC within two months of starting TTC. But secondary infertility is a real thing. We wish we'd started sooner so we could have addressed any problems earlier on.

The silver lining, if there is one, is that we're coming to terms with the idea of a much larger age gap than we had originally wanted. If we're lucky enough to manage a second child, a 4/5/6 year age gap will mean a proper "big brother, little brother/sister" dynamic, rather than siblings being close in age and in competition with each other. The downside, of course, is that presumably they will play together much less . It's not what we would have chosen.

Go for it. Getting pregnant again may take time anyway.

@Bookworming

He said he doesn’t want to think about it yet and to ask him again in a years time!

Hmmmm I don't the issue is Covid!

That’s what I asked OP. Is she sure he wants more kids!

Well, just to say my sister and her husband went for baby no.2, she's now 35 weeks pregnant with twins... 😬 Significantly less than ideal circumstances.... 😬