Wanting to try for baby 2 in the middle of a pandemic and living 6 hours away from any extended family?

[Postwhisk]

My first born turns 2 this month and I really want to try for baby 2 but both our families (mine and my husbands) live 6 hours so we haven’t seen them since February, won’t see them for ages yet and they’re not apart of our daily lives usually anyway as we only see them twice a year.

Am I mental to want two young children when it’s just me no my husband. No nurseries yet but something we will do hopefully when this pandemic settles down.

Husband says We should wait and I’m worried he’s right.

I would be considering how I would access appropriate and safe medical care without adding to the strain of the nhs. Consider what your pregnancy was like and any associated health risks. Whilst I am generally a healthy person, DD was small in utero and needed a period of special care after birth. She is 2.5yrs now but I can't see us even really discussing anymore children under the current situation improves. I would not want to be in and out of hospital as I was before (given covid). I also had a horribly traumatic birth and was neglected postnatally and can only imagine those risk factors are heightened at the moment. For me, it would be irresponsible to TTC but I know if that meant I couldn't get pregnant due to age I would feel OK but with DD and knowing that life just hadn't worked out as I thought it would. How would you feel if you waited and could have a 2nd vs current risks?

DH and I are both immigrants here so we have no family here at all. They are all on another continent.

It's fine. You make friends with other parents and build your own support network.

Personally I’d get on with it. At 37 you still have time on your side but not loads of it. And I’m reality, none of us know when this is all going to change for the better.

I’ve just had my second, so I’ve done a whole pregnancy through the pandemic. It’s been a really positive experience. My care, from midwife appointments to my birth and postnatal check ups has been brilliant.

The one downside is no visitors/going out and about. It can be isolating having a toddler and a newborn but I wouldn’t change it. On the flip side, no visitors has made establishing breastfeeding a smoother experience this time.

Just to add i was pregnant just before this all started so it was too late. But I wouldn’t do it differently.

I had my second DD on the first day of the 2and lockdown. My family live in Irland, my inlaws dont help at all (mostly our choice)
They may as well be in another country. Its just me and DH and the two kids. Mine have a smaller age gap to yours (DD turned 2 two weeks after the DD2 was born). Its hard, I won't lie. It's me and the kids, day in day out, and we normally sort all childcare ourselves (which your DC1 will be entitled to 30 hours free when he turns 3) but if your family live 6 hours away then you have done this already with your first so it's no different really. You just need to be prepared to roll with whatever restrictions we will be under when you give birth and know you may not have anyone visiting to see the baby. For me, I liked having the space to settle into a family of 4 and then my parents visited when lockdown ended. Unfortunately now we have no idea when we will see them again, but everyone who doesnt have family around the corner is the same right now

I had DC2 in May 2020, so was entering 3rd trimester as lockdown #1 started. I got covid (me and baby both fine but was obviously very worrying!), and all my last antenatal appts were by phone. I went through an induction alone; my DH was allowed in for an hour before I gave birth and left an hour afterwards. I was sent home 12 hours later. Postnatally, the only face to face appt was the heel prick test on day 5. Health visitor was a phone call. GP check up for me ditto. DC2 has never been officially weighed. No face to face breastfeeding support. None of this was easy and if it had been my first child I think I would have been beside myself.

However the time since with DC2 has been wonderful. No rushing about, just us doing things at our own pace, with DC1 (2.5 years) in tow. Their bond is lovely. DC1 still too young to be aware of the pandemic beyond masks and nursery being ‘on holiday’ quite a bit. It is full on with nowhere to go but I feel fortunate I will look back on this time as largely positive (if tiring!).

I think if you can deal with the potential disruption to maternal care () and expect a low risk pregnancy, there is no reason to wait. Especially since it might take a while to conceive and hopefully it the end of the pandemic is in sight. Good point by PP about how much support DH would be available to give though eg. Is he a key worker/working away from home a lot.

My first pregnancy was fairly straight forward except I had an emergency c section for very late pre eclampsia and so I would likely need to have a scheduled c section for another baby.

All the mums around me with 2 or more (including my family who aren’t nearby) all rely so heavily on their extended family and say they couldn’t manage without their parents. I suppose they’ve never had to, even with one child they all had help from day 1. But this makes me worry and believe that family support is really important when having more than 1.

Plus our dc1 has never been a great sleeper and even now at almost 2 we have plenty of wake ups and early mornings.

I think having kids with no local family is one of those things that can seem unfathomable to those with local family and unremarkable to those for who having no local family is normal.

I think go for it if you want to. Yes we are living in a pandemic and there are visiting restrictions in hospitals but life goes on.

If you don't have local family going to scans and appointments alone for baby number is pretty normal anyway and you two can always isolate in the time leading up to a planned C section if necessary.

I personally quite liked that there were fewer people in antenatal and postnatal. It did make for a quieter and calmer environment. I'm hoping that even after covid they limit visitors, nothing more annoying than that large extended family group treating it as an outing.

My second child is 8 weeks and first is 2.5. Both families live abroad. I conceived in Feb so just before lockdown- might have waited to try if I’d known what was coming. My care in pregnancy was pretty substandard. DH couldn’t come to anything but wouldn’t have anyway as he’d have had our older child. I barely saw any midwives in person. DH was present for the birth but had to leave straight away afterwards.

The worst thing for me though is being locked down with a newborn and toddler. I’ve had no support with the newborn - haven’t seen the HV, community midwives discharged us early despite feeding problems, there are no breastfeeding support groups running near me etc, and the poor toddler has been going stir crazy rotating between house, garden and local park. None of the baby or toddler groups are running so mat leave is a very different experience for us all from what I’d imagined. None of our family have met the baby and don’t know when they will. It’s shit.

Saying all that, I’m so pleased to have the age gap we do and I think st your age you don’t really have the luxury of time. If you conceived now there’s a good chance the vaccine will have improved matters by the end of next year. I really hope so anyway! So if I were you I’d crack on but prepare yourself for some things feeling extra tough.

Why would you need to live near your families to have another child? We live overseas from our families and it's fine. You'll have a manageable enough gap.

I would wait until the end of the year. It is dangerous and scary being pregnant in a pandemic, and personally it would be my very last choice.

If you start TTC in the autumn your baby will be born next year when this will all be over.

I am with your dh on this one.

I'd just like to add something to the PPs who are talking about how horrendous your care will be whilst pregnant during Covid.

I am 36 weeks so been pregnant for the majority of the pandemic. My hospital is a large city centre hospital and I have all my antenatal appointments there. I have to say my care has been absolutely brilliant. I have had all my midwife appointments face to face, I did have to go to some scans alone but DH was there for the last two, they also never stopped birth partners from being with you and still haven't. There aren't any classes no but they have sent me lots of online things, I've never struggled to get hold of them and have also been seen by triage for a few out of the ordinary things in really good time, no waiting about. I really cannot at all fault the experience I have had during this.

I appreciate it will not be like this for everyone but lots of people will tell you how awful it absolutely will be and I just have not had that experience so feel I should share mine too!

The only thing they have stopped is visitors onto the ward afterwards apart from your birth partner. So DH can still be on the ward for the extending visiting hours (8am - 10pm) and none of this waiting outside until I'm 4cm etc... Either.

I got pregnant just before lockdown and gave birth to my twins in November. We don’t have family nearby either and it has been tough going and I’m now facing my maternity leave in lockdown. If I’d known what I know now, I would have wait. I had my husband with my for my whole admission to hospital but I was very lucky with where I gave birth. Most of our families haven’t met the babies yet and won’t for ages now, probably til they’re crawling. There were no antenatal classes, most of scans were me on my own. I found out I was having twins alone. I had to be readmitted for sepsis and wasn’t allowed any visitors. My baby classes have been cancelled. It’s a lonely old time and I do feel a bit robbed. If you can wait, I would, things are worse now than when I gave birth.

But I will say that my care has been outstanding and even though the staff were incredibly busy I never felt that I was getting substandard care.

grown it is not about the lack of care as such, what happens if there is an emergency with the baby and you have to go into A&E? The hospitals are full of covid, and personally I would not want to be there or anywhere near there much less pregnant. The GPs are overwhelmed and it is taking three weeks just to get a callback, so far from ideal.

Having to go to scans and appointments alone would not be my first choice.

It is also the worry about the baby's delivery and a lack of support afterwards, as no one can visit or help. I am very glad you have had a brilliant experience, but I don't think it is reflective of every area and given the choice I can understand why most people would put off a pregnancy until after the vaccine roll out, given the choice.

I wish you all the best with your little one, and I am glad you are getting super care

If you want a second, and are 37, I'd just crack on tbh. Even if you tell pregnant in the next Month, that's an October baby and restrictions should be at least starting to ease by then.

It does sound like pandemic or no, your parents wouldn't provide much (if any) support so that's not going to change when the virus is under control.

Maybe look to get 2yo into a Childminder part time half way through a pregnancy and then that's someone who you can book extra sessions with as needed and hopefully they can also take baby if space allows when you go back to work.

People with helpful families get used to the support. People with no support get used to it too.

Life goes on. Hace the baby!

We tried for baby #2 back in the autumn, and now it's due in June. I've had no problems with care so far.

His family live 6,000 miles away (and haven't even met DD yet, she was born just before the pandemic), and we're about to move two hours from my family. It's definitely doable.

If something comes up in the future, you'll be able to sort it.

Have the baby**

@Icanseegreenshoots

grown it is not about the lack of care as such, what happens if there is an emergency with the baby and you have to go into A&E? The hospitals are full of covid, and personally I would not want to be there or anywhere near there much less pregnant. The GPs are overwhelmed and it is taking three weeks just to get a callback, so far from ideal.

Having to go to scans and appointments alone would not be my first choice.

It is also the worry about the baby's delivery and a lack of support afterwards, as no one can visit or help. I am very glad you have had a brilliant experience, but I don't think it is reflective of every area and given the choice I can understand why most people would put off a pregnancy until after the vaccine roll out, given the choice.

I wish you all the best with your little one, and I am glad you are getting super care

As I acknowledged in my post, it won't be the same for every single area, I appreciate that. But lots of people are quick to tell everyone just how horrendous their experience will be and so I think it's fair to also share my experience which absolutely has not been horrendous or substandard or scary but actually very good and reassuring. My midwives have worked extremely hard and have provided nothing but brilliant care to me throughout so I will always mention it when I see things like this thread. If it's acceptable to talk about one person's experience, it's also acceptable to share another 🤷

I have had emergencies, one in particular where I was seen by the pregnancy triage dept within the hour, hooked up to monitoring, and sorted in really good time.

I cannot and do not speak for everyone obviously but that's my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic.

Another pregnant woman here (first time mum) - just to allay any fears you might have about antenatal care. Yes it’s not been the experience of pregnancy most people get, but nor has it been a bad one. I’ve had plenty of face to face contact with my midwife (although some appointments have been by phone), a health visitor out to my house and promises that breastfeeding support can be arranged at home when the baby is here. My husband sadly hasn’t been able to come to scans but we booked a private one that he was able to attend. And our hospital will allow him to be with me at the birth. This is despite being in an area which has been under some of the toughest local restrictions since the end of summer. I’ve been lucky to have had a straightforward pregnancy so far (touch wood) and I completely appreciate that for people with complications or having to receive bad news this must be devastating to have to deal with alone. And the situation in hospitals at the minute is a concern. But you don’t know how long it will take you to conceive and even if you got pregnant tomorrow, things will be very different in 9 months’ time. At 37, I probably wouldn’t want to be delaying - but that’s a choice entirely for you and your husband.

For me (and I appreciate I’ve been very privileged so far and this won’t be the case for everyone) there have been as many silver linings as dark clouds. Yes it’s been sad not to share this time with family and friends and to be able to join groups etc, but I’ve also benefited from working from home, being able to get plenty of rest and focus on myself and the baby thanks to not having a hectic schedule, and my husband is likely to be working from home still when the baby is here - so while we’ll still be in lockdown and unable to see people at least he will get plenty of time with us both. I went into this with my eyes open so it’s difficult to feel hard done by or that I’m missing out on the typical pregnancy experience. But so far I have no complaints with the care I’ve had.

I can’t offer any wisdom about juggling childcare with your eldest without family
support nearby, though. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

grown Many hospitals are now in crisis, we have multiple threads about the critical state of hospitals. Do you actually think it is responsible to try for a baby as things stand?
Yes with a little luck in nine months things will be better, but what if medical attention is needed in the meantime.
The strain the country is under right now, I think we all need to play our part in alleviating as much pressure as possible. If you are already pregnant that is one thing, but to actively TTC right now with all of this going on is quite another.

Even from a purely selfish point of view surely it would be a much nicer experience a year from now when this is mostly over!

The issue is that your husband wants to wait. How long?

@Icanseegreenshoots

Even from a purely selfish point of view surely it would be a much nicer experience a year from now when this is mostly over!

Not everyone has unlimited amount of time to wait and see what things are like in a year.

I went through years trying to conceive, multiple miscarriages, it was absolutely horrific. So yeah, I'd still carry on TTC during a pandemic and no I don't care if you think that's selfish. Especially if I was 37. If it took OP as long as it took me, she'd be in her 40s by the time she conceived. It's different if you're 22 with years ahead of you.

I wouldn't judge anyone for TTC at any point in time. It's none of my business.