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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted at in room full of people at work....

90 replies

Changednameforthispost111 · 07/01/2021 13:40

Name change as outing.

Am nhs professional 40+ (for context).

Male (? Relevant) manager just shouted at/berrated me in a public place in front of colleagues.

No justification for this. Related to a work activity which I had handed over to him as I was not in the next day which then hadn’t been followed up by him.

Feeling doubly crap. Firstly because it’s stressful enough anyway at the moment and I don’t need this on top of everything else and secondly because I responded like a total melt not a grown adult professional. Didn’t stand up for myself, stood there and took it. Ten minutes later thought of really good things I should have said.

OP posts:

WiseOwlRelaxing · 07/01/2021 18:45

Wow, it's like page 1 that you if you need somebody to do something differently you speak to them in private.

FayKnights · 07/01/2021 18:45

We had this at work, a manager balled out one of his team in a meeting room, so loudly everyone heard, they were so disgusted they complained to HR (my department)
Echoing a lot of the above, you should have a ‘dignity at work’ policy and this type of behaviour will be mentioned. Please do speak to your HR team.
You did really well not to respond and stay calm, be proud of yourself. I’m really sorry you had to put up with this type of shit-bag behaviour.

4cats2kids · 07/01/2021 18:48

Probably better you didn’t rise to it and argue back. This way all the loud and undignified behaviour was coming from him.

wibblewombat · 07/01/2021 18:51

Having spent a bit of time with a now retired NHS executive coach, bullying is indeed rife in the NHS. Document, enlist allies, escalate.

SummerHouse · 07/01/2021 18:52

This happened to me once. The man actually sincerely apologised about 10 years later. Very weird moment. He is still an arsehole though.

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2021 18:55

Document and complain

Brefugee · 07/01/2021 18:59

the last time someone shouted at me like that at work i just shouted right back. And he a) never shouted at anyone again, and (more importantly) b) was put on a performance review and quit before he could be fired.

But he'd been doing that for 5 years and I was at the end of my tether.

EvelynBeatrice · 07/01/2021 19:01

In similar circumstances, an acquaintance raised the issue as a matter of urgency with HR on the basis that they needed to take action on a safeguarding basis / had a duty of care in respect of fact that the shouting colleague was obviously struggling and in need of support since they were clearly unable to act in a professional manner. The acquaintance then added almost as an incidental aside that of course it was unacceptable for her or anyone else to be abused in this manner in the workplace. Clever approach I thought

CheltenhamLady · 07/01/2021 19:01

People treat us as we allow them to treat us OP.

You were correct not to retaliate there and then, if you speak to him let him think that was a considered response.

Be calm, be assertive, be concise, be clear with him what you expect from him and why, and what you intend to do to see that outcome achieved.

Document all of the above and name all those present.

Misshapencha0s · 07/01/2021 19:04

Well done for not reacting. Now you can take your time and respond on your own terms.

glassshoes · 07/01/2021 19:07

Similar happened to me in the past OP and I felt as you do now. It is never acceptable and happens a lot in the NHS. I agree about discussing with both your supervisor and the supervisor of the person involved. If you have a clinical role, the Tea and Empathy Facebook group also gives excellent advice, I would recommend joining for NHS specific advice as well as that given here.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/01/2021 19:08

I used to work in the NHS, l got bullied by three successive female, as it happens, middle managers. Made my life absolute hell, my crime with the second two? I had complained formally about the first one and so the remit from day one was to 'keep me in my place' The third one, l came to with a history of complaining about her two predecessors so even if l requested a holiday or to take my break two hours after it was due, l'd get treated as if l'd just asked for a year off on double pay (and l was clerical so not as if ld wanted waltz off in the middle of treating a very sick patient etc). NHS is rife with bullies and sometimes you can win the battle but not the war. I'd still complain though, my first bully got shipped off to a horrible prefab office from a brand new modern office and a different job she didn't like as my complaint was upheld and confirmed by several others adding their experiences of her. It was what happened after that that l didn't bargain for and resulted in me giving up and leaving a job l loved and was very good at.

SusieBugandMe · 07/01/2021 19:13

I don’t suppose you want to tell us his initials? Sounds just like a manager I have!

I was shouted at once about 4 years ago by a very senior matron. In front of 5 people. She had completely lost control and her voice was almost breaking she was so angry, not with me but with a situation and decided to take it out on me as the easiest target (I was a band 5 at the time she was an 8 something or other)

I don’t think it had the reaction she thought it would. I grew up around angry screaming people so I think I might be numbed to it. I calmly waited for her to finish and said “excuse me I don’t know who you think you’re talking to like that but it better not be me”. I didn’t shout, I didn’t even stand up, she was on the other side of the room and I just remember thinking everyone else had gone completely silent. She said pardon me? I said no I don’t think I will, I don’t give a fuck what it says on your lanyard don’t ever talk to me like that again. I’m your colleague, you wouldn’t talk to a family member, a friend or even a stranger like that. If you have a problem you can speak to me with at least a basic level of respect and keep a civil tongue in your mouth”

She stalked off.

I got in trouble the next day!!

DarkDarkNight · 07/01/2021 19:15

My ex manager (also NHS) used to do this. He would walk up to you in front of other members of the team and ask you about a mistake you had made or something you had forgot. It is completely unprofessional.

I used to hate it when I was in the receiving end but also found it mortifying when somebody else had made an error. It shouldn’t be done in front of others, it should be a private conversation. If it was in front of members of the public it’s really bad.

InTheSnow · 07/01/2021 19:16

YANBU for being shouted at etc... but YABU for asking is there is any relevance to said 'fool' being male.

There are fools of both sexes in most organisations including the NHS. As a patient I have been on the brunt end of some 'bullying' physical assault by a nurse in UCH Coventry. They just happened to be female but that is irrelevant. So too is the fact your manager is male.

Original poster

Changednameforthispost111 · 07/01/2021 19:17

Thanks, I’m touched by the lovely supportive messages, especially as it’s not something I want to bother friends and family with at the moment.

Yes I think everyone is a bit more stressed and edgy at the moment.

It’s not completely out of character, he can be very nice, but does have a regular habit of speaking before thinking, does not always check the facts and I would say has strong opinions about how things should be done which aren’t communicated well and dare I say are not particularly up to date.

I will sleep on it, document it, and see how the next working day pans out before I decide how to proceed.

Thanks again for the great advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Changednameforthispost111 · 07/01/2021 19:19

Also, yes others were present. Mainly junior members of staff who looked mortified, but it was not their place to speak up, nor would I expect them to.

They had no idea what it was about.

A couple of them spoke to me quietly later and divulged that they had been on the receiving end of similar.

OP posts:

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 07/01/2021 19:21

That's horrible 💐🥃

The way I'm feeling, I could only pray to react like you did. Frankly at the moment I could go in one of two ways - burst into tears or tell him to go fuck himself.

Do what the other NHS people have suggested re the paperwork for your file, then decide the best way forward. Is he a wanker that needs sorting out or was he at breaking point over the situation? (Doesn't mean he was ok to do that, but people overwhelmed don't always behave as they should.) but it does sound like he's just a wanker normally and if so do what you can do without causing yourself any grief (I know the NHS can be very difficult to report etc)

Try to do something nice tonight.

& thank you fir doing what you do to keep the wheels turning! 💐

grassisjeweled · 07/01/2021 19:24

This was in front of the public, right

grassisjeweled · 07/01/2021 19:24

Right??

Missed my very important question mark

Original poster

Changednameforthispost111 · 07/01/2021 19:26

@grassisjeweled

No, other colleagues

OP posts:

marton4710 · 07/01/2021 19:35

It sounds tantamount to bullying to me. He humiliated you in front of colleagues. Report it. We always think of what we could have said afterwards 😝

pickingdaisies · 07/01/2021 19:38

@Changednameforthispost111
Name change fail, OP?

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/01/2021 19:41

OP have you had a name change fail, you might want get in touch with Msnt as you said you didn't want be outed

annevonkleve · 07/01/2021 19:49

@WorryingAtHome

That's totally unprofessional. I would speak to his boss or HR pointing that out and would expect an apology.

But first I would tell HIM it was inappropriate and unprofessional and I expected an apology. If he refused or got nasty, THEN I would report it to his boss and HR.

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