can't sleep when husband not here

[grannyinapram]

dh is working nights and will soon be working away for days at a time, possibly weeks.
I can't sleep when he isn't here, we live in a flat and I can hear every noise from every direction.
last night I watched TV until 3/4 am and tonight I may well have to do the same. Just so I can drown out the noise and try to focus on something other than murderers, rapists and the like. How do I feel safe when I'm alone with the children. I feel as though I am on watch and I can sleep when he is home.
I fell asleep on the sofa today because I was so knackered. I didn't even chose to nap, I just remember waking up and thinking "sleep?"

Any tips? tia

@Backbee

The "strong independent woman" movement has taken a beating this last year hasn't it?

So has women supporting other women by the look of it!

ooh burn 🔥

@79andnotout

Get a dog?

I can't imagine being like this, it sounds very restrictive.

What will you do if he dies before you do? Or had an extended stay in hospital?

He has a dangerous job and works hundreds of miles away. I get so so so cared he will die before me, outside in the cold night while I'm tucked up on bed. Its horrible. honestly I don't know what I'd do. probably go mad or commit suicide its easy in a flat don't you know

@grannyinapram that's really sad. My step mother is the same - she's so determined to die before my father (who is ten years older than her), that she's drinking and worrying herself into really poor health. It seems like no way to live.

Please don't become like my step-mother! There is help available for anxiety and I also think there's a lot to be said for having a positive mental attitude and trying to see the benefits, but realise I will probably get flamed for that.

@MegtheShark

I dearly hope those berating the op for feeing vulnerable don’t call themselves feminists.

I think we all know of various reasons why many women, especially with young children, would feel far more vulnerable without another adult (male or female) in the house.

On a practical note op, get the best security/alarm/lock/cctv system that you can afford. It really helped with my anxiety (stalked by an ex who had threatened both myself and the dc).

if I did get a ring doorbell it would face right onto my neighbours door, head on. I'm not sure if hed be happy with that, although we have never even exchanged a word.

its surprising people are saying they would feel safer in a flat, id feel safer on my own, I don't know my neigh ours but from the looks of them (and their illegal activities out in the open) I feel 10x less safe.

when we first moved in here though 3 big lads came banging on the door looking for a girl, very aggressively. that scared me.
an experience when I was a teen scared me too though. so I'm clearly not as strong naive from the off as some people on here

well done- you're not scared 👏

Wt! It's so lovely to sleep alone...a whole bed, to myself...cannot relate at all, but hope you find a way to get over this.

It sounds much more like anxiety then needing dh there to sleep, thinking about murderers and rapists. Perhaps you need to address deeper issues.

ps dh has worked nights since we met. I am a melt, I know that but in the middle of the night I'm just a terrified little kitty.
and I have been a single mom too, but I slept (lol stayed awake) with the radio on then too.

I just hate the idea of people upstairs and downstairs and across the hall and adjacent.
I know im a wet cloth.

@eckhart getting up mega early when he's on nights is actually the best idea ever. right I'm up at 5 tomorrow then,

this is why mumsnet is worth it, loads of comments about being a lil scary cat is worth it for a good idea like this

we live in a block of flats like Grenfell tower, hundreds of people above and below, walking past our door,
a bit like friends but grimey

Strong independent women aren't ever allowed to feel afraid or nervous or unsettled? Bollocks.

I hate it too.

I tend to go up early as the later it is the more paranoid I get. I like to stay in one room when on my own.

I've always been this way since a young child. It's not so much having my partner there, as being on my own.

I dont think you are a "wet cloth" at all .I also have the heebie jeebies and hate sleeping alone .Maybe if you could manage it ,perhaps think about getting a dog? You know he will bark and you will feel safer .I too am worried about things that go "bump in the night as well.Not very brave are we? Apparently though men sleep less well than women ,as they had to stay alert in case of intruders(animals presumably) when we lived in Caves "

Jesus, someone left the gate open at the dickhead farm today.

I've always felt nervous about being home alone at night OP, whether at my parent's house, my Uni flat, or now in my own family home. Nothing to do with a man protecting me - my Uni flatmate was female, 5ft and skinny and I still hated her going home for the weekend. My fears have increased substantially since having children though. Pre-children I used to jam a broom handle under my bedroom door. Now I just leave the ensuite light on and have a hammer in my bedside drawer. And watch some soothing ASMR before bed!

OP this is clearly such a serious issue for you. That's horrible.

What's going on in the inside of your door? What kind of locks & chains & handles you got? All secure can you add extra?

And you mention your neighbour being potentionally unhappy with a ring doorbell but there's nothing stopping you putting a camera facing your door from inside your hallway.

You could then check it should the odd sound wake you up? Would you feel better knowing you could see your key in & chain still locked?

Another option here would potentionally be a house alarm that you can connect over the top of the door.

@Sinful8 Tut tut.. your salient words were cat nip to the anti feminist crowd. Get ready for the I have PTSD, am neurodivergent, live in a minefield lot next

What helped me was the fact that we have cats so any sudden noise at night I would ascribe to one of them. So I never mind being alone in the hiuse

@BubblyBarbara please don't talk about things you don't understand, it's extremely pathetic.

I was exactly like you when my DH worked nights few years ago. Can you get a pet to snuggle up in bed with you and decrease your anxiety overall?

What also helped me is meditation before bed, lavender oil, Kalms night and eye masks. Definitely no scree time before bed, otherwise I'd be up till 4 am binge watching or reading something. It's difficult, I'm sorry OP

I live in a flat and I actually find it easier - I just imagine that every noise I hear is down to my neighbours (which it probably is). Maybe you could try this? I actually find it harder if I ever stay at my parents' house on my own (detached, rural) as it is hard to blame the noise on someone else!

Also I agree re noises, I definitely explained to myself in a flat that it's the neighbours. We have a pretty big house now and when I was alone here at night, it was far more scary. So maybe try looking at it as a positive, it's FAR more likely than not it's your neighbours xx

My DP is working away at the moment and I've never considered some of the things in the above comments.

I sleep much better when he isn't here. He disturbs me, I wake up and my brain tells me I must have a wee. He's been gone 3 nights and not once have I got up for the toilet. Perhaps I'm better at being single.