can't sleep when husband not here

[grannyinapram]

dh is working nights and will soon be working away for days at a time, possibly weeks.
I can't sleep when he isn't here, we live in a flat and I can hear every noise from every direction.
last night I watched TV until 3/4 am and tonight I may well have to do the same. Just so I can drown out the noise and try to focus on something other than murderers, rapists and the like. How do I feel safe when I'm alone with the children. I feel as though I am on watch and I can sleep when he is home.
I fell asleep on the sofa today because I was so knackered. I didn't even chose to nap, I just remember waking up and thinking "sleep?"

Any tips? tia

Get some alarms. How many murderers and rapists are going to be trying to get into your flat, realistically? You're dealing with catastrophic thinking.

I’m sorry but I’m with sinful. If you were in a large house in the middle of nowhere I might have some sympathy. But a flat?! Bloody hell. I also fine this attitude of “hubby’s not here - help!” very irritating. I’m 99% sure you call him “hubby” too. Which would be twee and irritating on its own!

I had a routine of checking all doors and windows before I went to bed.
Then I had a lock on my bedroom door. I used a baby monitor when they were small, but when bigger I was always awake before them and opened my door.
I just couldn’t sleep without my door locked.

DH used to work away, he would be away Sunday night to Friday, and then for weeks or months at a time now and then. It was hard to begin with, I used to go to bed when DS did and watch stuff on my iPad or read as I hated being downstairs alone. Gradually though it got easier, I would leave the landing light on which seemed to help, and if I woke in the night and I would put white noise on so I wasn't listening to the random House noises that seem freaky at night. After a while it was just normal and didn't really think about it, but I do empathise, it's hard. You'll be okay though, find a routine that works for you and change it up if it isn't.

Oh my god these comments. OP isn’t saying that she is incapable of doing anything without her DH, she’s saying she’s nervous being on her own in the house at night, which is a pretty common and reasonable thing. I used to struggle when I lived alone, but I found it easier when I went to bed a little earlier because my though process was that most people around are still awake- ridiculous I know, but it helped me!

I agree @galaxy9, a lot of other military partners felt the same as me too, and we are all independent women. So what if it sounds irrational to others, it's common and I don't see the value of making snidey comments if there's nothing of value to add to support OP.

The "strong independent woman" movement has taken a beating this last year hasn't it?

So has women supporting other women by the look of it!

@JinglePies

I’m sorry but I’m with sinful. If you were in a large house in the middle of nowhere I might have some sympathy. But a flat?! Bloody hell. I also fine this attitude of “hubby’s not here - help!” very irritating. I’m 99% sure you call him “hubby” too. Which would be twee and irritating on its own!

So much for women supporting each other threads like this remind me why I would NEVER post on here for advice.

It's like some people just wait and pounce on anyone who may seem slightly vulnerable.

OP - have you tried sleep meditation apps? I use one called Sleepiest (you get a decent free trial) and their sleep meditation stories are really good and definitely help me sleep when I'm having a bad night.

I think if you are worrying about murderers and rapists and the like every night you probably should speak to someone about your irrational levels of anxiety

The chance of anything untoward happening to you are virtually zero

I don't think there is any need to hand hold the OP through this and profess feelings of "female solidarity" and support sorry🤷‍♀️. I can understand for the first night or two but after that you should settle into the new routine. Carrying this in indefinitely is just going to adversely affect to and more to the point your children

@ivfbeenbusy really useful post, honestly people are happy to advise and offer support, so what is the point of yours? Just leave the thread if it seemingly annoys you so much that others have been in the same position and empathise.

I find it hard to sleep when DH is away too.

And no it’s not just about having a man in the house, just another adult - if I had a female flatmate instead I wouldn’t have any problems sleeping for example.

I think it’s evolutionarily survival instinct personally... I hear every tiny noise and I’m instantly alert. It’s impossible to switch that off, even when DH is here.

Some people have it, some people don’t. Those making snarky comments obviously don’t.

"The "strong independent woman" movement has taken a beating this last year hasn't it?"

Likely never had to do shift work or live with a shift worker. DH used to do nights. I get it.

Get security cameras.Weve got eufy floodlight ones.you can see live feed on your phone app if needed.Light comes on if anyone enters the area its set at .

Get a dog?

I can't imagine being like this, it sounds very restrictive.

What will you do if he dies before you do? Or had an extended stay in hospital?

Are you 12?

@JinglePies I’m 99% sure you call him “hubby” too Completely unnecessary? Why bring things up completely unrelated to the OP just to have a dig?

Women are allowed to be afraid of things. I bloody hate this view that if we aren’t constantly striving to show how independent and capable we are then we are unfeminist and letting down the side

I completely sympathise OP, I hate sleeping in the house on my own with a passion. I also try and fall asleep a bit earlier on because as a PP said, it comforts me to know that other people are still awake out there.

Try podcasts/audiobooks - I recommend anything read by Stephen Fry as his voice just seems to send me to sleep. Tv keeps you alert due to the light whereas listening is a diversion from your thoughts and you should just drift off

I live in the middle of nowhere and a big house down the road got broken into recently. When I’m here on my own, I do everything I need to do outside while it’s still vaguely light, then lock up and try to have as normal an evening as possible. It would be nice having neighbours around who could hear me if anything happened, which is extremely unlikely. I admit, I do have the tv on for human voices. Have you got a laptop so you can have the tv on while you’re lying in bed? You’ll probably fall asleep more easily.

If you have kids, don’t let on that you feel scared when their dad is out of the house.

Statistically, you're at much greater risk of harm from your male partner than a random bloke.

I think all women should live alone for a bit before they have children. They need you to be the adult.

Having said that, if I lived in a big house in the middle of nowhere, I'd get a dog.

I dearly hope those berating the op for feeing vulnerable don’t call themselves feminists.

I think we all know of various reasons why many women, especially with young children, would feel far more vulnerable without another adult (male or female) in the house.

On a practical note op, get the best security/alarm/lock/cctv system that you can afford. It really helped with my anxiety (stalked by an ex who had threatened both myself and the dc).

I live in a detached house miles from anywhere and my dh used to work nights, I never slept and used to end up more tired than him working a night shift! In the end I had a routine to check the doors and windows were locked, leave lights on because generally a burglar wants no one at home. The chances of a rapist/ murderer lurking around is very small but I always had a hammer or something near the bed if I needed to wack someone over the head in self defence, made me feel better having it there. Maybe some kind of camera on the door would help? Obviously don't watch a murder mystery before you go to bed either!

Are you young?

I remember feeling like that when I lived in a flat, funnily enough when we moved to a house it just stopped and I'm sure statistically the stats would be less for burglary on flats. More so if not on the ground floor!

I feel safe and content when hes on nights and I love the bed to myself, although I do sleep lighter but i think thats more because im solely incharge of the kids.

I like the ironing board idea. Big mentally clangy thing by your door would stop you concentrating on the small noises from the pipes and heating.

I think it’s a mix of the change of routine and a sense of vulnerability. For me, when I’m alone, I use a little night light, I leave an electric candle on on the bedroom, and also the downstairs hall light. However for me, I think it’s the darkness as I live quite rural ans there are no street lights.

Whatever gives you a comfort level, just do it.

I think I find this op irritating because millions of women live on their own or with children. Millions of women find themselves alone permanently after their husband dies, when they’re normally much older and more vulnerable.

I’m sorry. I just find the op just so wet.