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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

can't sleep when husband not here

95 replies

grannyinapram · 07/01/2021 00:23

dh is working nights and will soon be working away for days at a time, possibly weeks.
I can't sleep when he isn't here, we live in a flat and I can hear every noise from every direction.
last night I watched TV until 3/4 am and tonight I may well have to do the same. Just so I can drown out the noise and try to focus on something other than murderers, rapists and the like. How do I feel safe when I'm alone with the children. I feel as though I am on watch and I can sleep when he is home.
I fell asleep on the sofa today because I was so knackered. I didn't even chose to nap, I just remember waking up and thinking "sleep?"

Any tips? tia

OP posts:
waydownwego · 07/01/2021 08:51

It sounds like the noise from the flats around you scares you?

My advice is to face your fears and start to listen to those noises and understand them. I find the noises of my neighbours reassuring - it makes me feel less alone and safer to know that they're close by.

popsydoodle4444 · 07/01/2021 08:56

Quite honestly;you get use to it.I actually enjoy getting the bed to myself and being able to relax at my own leisure in the evenings.I go to bed early usually by 9ish and read or watch Netflix,sometimes I'll have a soak in the bath.I can't really do that with the DH around as he likes to stay up late and watch TV and gets grumpy if I go to early.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/01/2021 08:59

As a single mum, yeah this is irritating. I manage to cope somehow.

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 09:03

All of what everyone else said, said, and, get up ridiculously early for a few mornings before nights you have to sleep alone. You'll have a better likelihood of falling asleep if you're bloody knackered by 9pm, and you only need to develop a habit. You don't have to keep getting up early.

The fact is, you can and have slept when your husband isn't there. You just have to train your mind to recognise it's ok to do it at ordinary times.

ivfbeenbusy · 07/01/2021 09:07

@Backbee

Because sometimes the best advice isn't pandering to the OPs fears/anxiety it's giving honest "advice" to put her big girl Pants on

Saying "there there" and "I empathise" isn't going to help her either

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/01/2021 09:13

My dh used to be away for weeks, and sometimes months, at a time.
I’m sure you’ll get used to it, but meanwhile, a really good strong bolt on the front door - or maybe two, top and bottom, might help.

JudyGemstone · 07/01/2021 09:16

Get some ear plugs and ovary up Wink

FTMF30 · 07/01/2021 09:22

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Backbee

Because sometimes the best advice isn't pandering to the OPs fears/anxiety it's giving honest "advice" to put her big girl Pants on

Saying "there there" and "I empathise" isn't going to help her either [/quote]
Hmm Yes, because simply telling someone to get a grip is going to suddenly help them drift off into a peaceful slumber each night.

Emotional intelligence is seriously lacking in some of these responses.

OP, I'm picturing the type of flat my friend used to live in. Not some fancy apartment. I'm fine sleeping in the house on my own where I live but wouldn't feel the same if I lived in her flat, especially with kids to care for. Sounds of footsteps every now again right by the front door, arguing, hushed murmurs. I'd not be able to get to sleep at all. I really don't know what to suggest but fwiw, I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling the way you do.

UnbeatenMum · 07/01/2021 09:27

You'll get used to it. I used to be the same but then we went through a phase when DH travelled a lot for work and now I sleep fine when he's away. No tips really except maybe stay up a bit later or put some extra pillows in the bed.

isthistheendoftheworld · 07/01/2021 09:35

Sorry OP, you just need to get on with it.

yearinyearout · 07/01/2021 09:44

Blimey, I sleep like a log when mine isn't here, I fantasise about him getting a night shift job (sorry this doesn't really help your situation)

SharonasCorona · 07/01/2021 09:50

Yes, some sort of soft night lights help, as well as TV playing quietly (sitcoms, Jane Austen adaptation, whatever calms you). Set up a nighttime routine for yourself. Check that everything's locked and secure, then settle in with whatever helps you relax. Maybe a mindless phone game, colouring book, doodling, reading, crochet/knitting. Something to keep your hands busy.

All good advice, much better than the 'get on with it', 'harden up' brigade!

Winterwoollies · 07/01/2021 09:58

I think I’d like hearing the (not too loud) noise of the neighbours in flats. Maybe try to see that as comfort and camaraderie, OP. Do you know any of them? That would be reassuring.

I’m so isolated that I only hear grunting deer in the middle of the night and the neighbouring hooty owl. So on the odd occasion I do hear a more human-associated noise, it’s quite alarming. Especially when the dogs go off. But then, I do have my gun license. Swings and roundabouts!

dottiedodah · 07/01/2021 10:08

I can relate to this OP. Still find it hard to drift off even if hes gone out for the evening. And we have our friend who lodges with us here as well .(Friend is massive BTW!)When DH was away on Business Trips, and DC were younger would have our old dog in bed!

Valkadin · 07/01/2021 10:26

DH worked away loads and I was ok, however the bed did feel huge and empty and I didn’t like that. Then I read a tip which was literally lay two pillows next to you, it’s not about hugging them, I didn’t but it just fills the bed up. I did also double check the doors at night for peace of mind.

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/01/2021 10:36

Hi OP, I'm a single parent so have had to get used to this. My 5 year old sleeps in bed with me, perhaps the kids could cuddle in with you depending on their ages. I used to sleep with a hammer next to me (ground floor flat and abusive ex), then also a baseball bat but now nothing.

Original poster
grannyinapram · 07/01/2021 11:26

oh, I do have all 4 dc in my bed but now they are getting bigger and they don't particularly want to sleep with me anymore Sad
I know it sounds silly but I always get scared of ghosts / aliens / anything out of a horror movie basically. with the sun down, literally lose all sense of reality!
so silly I know but I'm constantly on edge until I fall asleep of exhaustion. last night was a late one too

its lovely to know that I'm not the only one

OP posts:
Original poster
grannyinapram · 07/01/2021 11:39

@katy1213

And are there many murders and rapes on your street on an average weeknight?
not murders but we have lots of break ins.

I live in a run down council area, there have been a group of teens hanging inside the communal areas recently

At least 3 drug dealers in this flat, most likely more.
there was a stabbing outside and our cleaner was assaulted before he quit.

lots of knife and gun crime. this is no exaggeration. I've witnessed someone trying to break into one of the surrounding houses with a baseball bat, numerous fights, and one person being jumped. right outside my window.
and about a year before I moved in someone filled the Stairwell with rubbish and old furniture and set fire to it.

still, we don't need security cameras according to council Hmm

oh and a junky used to LIVE in the communal areas for a few weeks before someone told him to move along.

really is a typical council area, I cried when I moved in but its council so cheap.

its not that bad when DH is here but when its just me and the kids its very very very difficult to forget where we are and what we are surrounded by.
honestly, a ghost would be preferable. I'm not even joking about that

OP posts:
Elbels · 07/01/2021 11:44

I get it.

I've lived alone, travelled alone, have a partner who was away for weeks working pre-covid and I still get very unsettled when he's away now because my brain overthinks every little noise.

I find that the first couple of nights are the worst and then I settle back into being alone again.

SharonasCorona · 07/01/2021 12:12

@grannyinapram

oh, I do have all 4 dc in my bed but now they are getting bigger and they don't particularly want to sleep with me anymore Sad I know it sounds silly but I always get scared of ghosts / aliens / anything out of a horror movie basically. with the sun down, literally lose all sense of reality! so silly I know but I'm constantly on edge until I fall asleep of exhaustion. last night was a late one too

its lovely to know that I'm not the only one

It’s not silly at all. People who aren’t scared just don’t get it, OP, ignore them.
Ilovemycat13 · 07/01/2021 12:16

Hi @grannyinapram I can completely sympathise. I’m exactly the same when my DP is on nights and we live in a flat too. I fall asleep with the TV on. Last time I convinced myself the dentist downstairs was going to have a fire (we are having problems with them admitting they need to connect their fire alarms to us so we know if they have a fire) and so I didn’t sleep until 5am. I have no advice as of yet but just to let you know you’re not alone, ignore the rude comments on here.

MatildaTheCat · 07/01/2021 12:17

Despite the outside factors it’s still very unlikely indeed that someone will break in during the night. When I am alone at night I always lock my bedroom door. Can you add more bolts to the outside doors and your bedroom door? Somehow it adds a sense of psychological safety.

Keep your phone near you and keep repeating in your mind that you are safe, the DC are safe.

Chipsahoy · 07/01/2021 12:38

Some of us have been raped in our own beds, this is how op feels, telling her otherwise isn’t helpful is it?

vanillandhoney · 07/01/2021 14:39

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Backbee

Because sometimes the best advice isn't pandering to the OPs fears/anxiety it's giving honest "advice" to put her big girl Pants on

Saying "there there" and "I empathise" isn't going to help her either [/quote]
There's a difference between empathising with OP and telling her to "put her big girl pants on".

If you can't say anything nice, why not just leave the thread? It's not difficult. There's just no need to come on someone's thread (where they clearly say their struggling) and stick the boot in.

Kseniya · 07/01/2021 14:41

try to watch something that relaxes, turn the room before dreams and of course earplugs. can even take a toy with him or livestock (if any) or children to create the effect of presence