To tell my friend to ‘F off’

[Kaia20]

I’ve been going through a really rough time lately, as we all have. Mine included the end of my marriage and I really just felt like during the worst (so far) of that I’ve had nobody to talk to. Maybe a lot of that was down to me as I stopped reaching out to people for support but they knew my situation and didn’t reach out to see if I was ok. I basically stopped being the first one to call or text and the communication stopped. Not just with this one particular friend, but several people I expected more from.
Not even a ‘happy new year’
Last week I purchased a new (to me) car and my friend noticed. A couple of days later she asked me if I could collect something for her and I said I couldn’t as I was busy. I wasn’t busy. I was annoyed. Since then she has text me a couple of times ‘how are you, kids etc’ and today messaged that ‘luckily you got a car before lockdown’
I ignored it.
It’s really really upset me. She didn’t bother with me at all and it just feels like she wouldn’t have if it wasn’t to do with this car. It not an amazing car it’s a 16 year old banger, so l don’t want to sound like I’m showing off. I find it really hard to explain.
It just feels like now I have become convenient to this person they have made more effort to talk to me.
My mental health hasn’t been the best for a few months now, and I don’t know if that’s playing a part in making me feel this way but all I can’t shake the feeling that a lot of my ‘friends’ aren’t really my friends at all. Am I being unreasonable?

I’d just keep ignoring her - if she can’t be there for you in rough times she doesn’t deserve the good times either!

Since then she has text me a couple of times ‘how are you, kids etc
Well she has asked now.. So if you dont reply she may feel much like you are now.

I’ve been going through a really rough time lately, as we all have
Perhaps she's included in that too?is it at all possible she was going through some private stuff also?

It is very possible that she was going through some private stuff also @nothingicando, and I did reply when she asked how me and the kids were, I just didn’t reply to the last message.

But this person in particular was who I regarded as a ‘close’ friend, yet when my life was falling apart she was nowhere to be seen, unless I reached out first.

Could you answer her texts in a general kind of way - 'oh fine, kids are too' etc etc, and make absolutely no reference to you car, journeys in it, putting petrol in it - anything.

Then, if she continues asking for car related favours, and you politely say no for whatever reason, and she strops.....or continues on a friendly day to day level.... you can pick your answer in a more informed way.

THEN decide what to say to her.

Yes. I have done that @EarthWonderer.
I really don’t know if this is exactly how I’m seeing it or I’m overreacting. Like I said, my mental health is not the best right now and I feel really let down.

Hi OP. Firstly, I'm really sorry you've been through such a rough time and congratulations on the new car.

I'm going to be kind yet brutally honest here. You admit that you stopped reaching out to people although you were going through a rough time. But I think it's very important to remember here that we are going through a global pandemic - everyone is going through their own stuff and it quite small minded to expect people to reach out solely as a result.

It is totally understandable though and I do feel for you. Your friend was, however, VERY passive aggressive to make a comment about your car. And yes it feels like she is using you a little bit in this respect!

So by all means, tell her to F off. But remember other people might need help too. x

Yabu because she may be thinking that you know where she is if you need her.

As an example, when a relative died a friend checked in on me everyday, which was from a good place but if I hated having it on my to do list to reply because I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening or if I was feelkng ok and had distracted myself then it was a jolt back to reality.

It's unfair to expect her to be exactly what you need and if all your friends checked in with that frequency it would be overwhelming.

You're friends, she asked you to do one thing. Hardly taking the piss. It's unkind not to reply to her.

I don't know if you've heard the phrase "don't quit on a bad day"? Don't sack her off from a position of poor mental health.

Just help your friend. You will feel better!

I hate people like your 'friend' OP... pops up when she sees you have something that will convenience HER.... but when you needed her she was nowhere..

Enjoy your new car... and it it is new to you.. don't be her Taxi ..

Although we are in the middle of a global pandemic we're not all in the same boat. I have a friend who lives very rurally in the South, has loved having her husband WFH this past year, is in a bubble with her parents and really quite content with her 2 year old. She can't believe what life is like for lots of people and is just going for walks, riding her horse etc and is quite happy. I'm not suggesting your friend is loving life atm but she also may just be a shit friend who couldn't be bothered with you before. It is possible.

Whilst I thnk you should distance yourself from these people until you are ready, I would hesitate in acting whilst you are pissed off.
You may realise you dont need them in your life, or you may lessen your expectations of them

I know exactly how you feel, a lot of my friends haven’t bothered with me and it’s always me contacting them first and it hurts , I’m not doing anything for anyone else now, I’m just focusing on myself doing my hobbies etc.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time OP but you sound hard work. We all have shit going on, so if you need help and support just ask. Don't be a martyr and stop waiting for people to notice you are intentionally not contacting them to ask how you are

It does sound a bit cheeky her getting in touch to ask a favour. I do wonde if you're reading a bit too much into the situation.

As you say we're all struggling to keep onto of stuff st the moment and its easy for the days to go by without touching base with friends.

Just think through the positives in you're relationship before you decide this is a dealbraker.

Maybe she has been feeling down and this is her attempt at reaching out? Maybe the car chat is a diversion and something to talk about, after all there's not much happening in the world except covid chat really

YANBU. You are behaving like a grown up and practising what I now recognise as self-care. Avoiding people who are leeches and flakey gives you more time and energy to look after yourself and long term you end up attracting far fewer but better quality friends into your life.

FWIW I don't think you sound like hard work at all. Your marriage has broken up and your friends didn't check on you, didn't wish you happy new year bit get chatty when they want a favour. You are not hard work. You are fed up with being badly treated and putting an end to it. Good for you.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve just turned 40 and a mental switch has been flipped. I’ve deleted my Facebook and stopped chasing people to see how they are. You do soon learn who your friends are. I think when talking about associates or friends you don’t often communicate with, that’s fair enough, but when it’s someone that’s a close friend and knows your marriage just ended, it’s really not hard every now and again to check in with how you are. The communication could be a coincidence but since she’s mentioned it, I think not. Go with your gut and continue to think about your own mental health for now. If she is a true friend she will understand just as you have been expected to. You’ll soon see who your real friends are.

I don’t think you are hard work.

If the first time she has been in touch for an age is to ask for a favour then I’d be wary as well.

Been there. Done that.

I wouldn’t tell them to gtf though. I’d just back away. If they keep asking for favours then you know what they are after.

If they ask you about you, with no agenda, then you can maybe look at
how you want to proceed.

Usually when people stop reaching out after a bad event I leave them alone as I assume they want space. If they want to talk, have a cry, need advice they're welcome to give me a call day or night.

People cope with things differently and nobody is a mind-reader

@ChablisandCrisps Hardly ‘hard work’ when people don’t fucking bother with me until they need/want something and only seem to contact me when I am convenient for them or they need a favour.

I’d encourage you to speak to them about how you have been feeling recently re your marriage split and that you felt a bit abandoned by those around you.

And see what she/they say.

It could be a misunderstanding.

Or they thought you’d not want to talk about it as you don’t usually talk about personal matters (or something).

Or they have had even worse shit going on.

Or it could be that they are not really your friends.

You will know once you speak with them.

I think many of us come to a certain life stage and realisation that friendships aren’t a lifesaver, they’re simply nice to have. Expectations are rarely dashed any more because you don’t have any.
I sympathise with you so hard on this one.

My finding is that most people will be ‘there’ for a friend who can provide something in return...usually social status and inclusion.
If there’s nothing in it to be sustained or gained out of the time and effort spent, they’ll generally not stir themselves beyond platitudes and pleasantries.

Thank you for all your replies, and I’ll take them all into consideration. I’ll read through the rest tomorrow :)