To tell my friend to ‘F off’

[Kaia20]

I’ve been going through a really rough time lately, as we all have. Mine included the end of my marriage and I really just felt like during the worst (so far) of that I’ve had nobody to talk to. Maybe a lot of that was down to me as I stopped reaching out to people for support but they knew my situation and didn’t reach out to see if I was ok. I basically stopped being the first one to call or text and the communication stopped. Not just with this one particular friend, but several people I expected more from.
Not even a ‘happy new year’
Last week I purchased a new (to me) car and my friend noticed. A couple of days later she asked me if I could collect something for her and I said I couldn’t as I was busy. I wasn’t busy. I was annoyed. Since then she has text me a couple of times ‘how are you, kids etc’ and today messaged that ‘luckily you got a car before lockdown’
I ignored it.
It’s really really upset me. She didn’t bother with me at all and it just feels like she wouldn’t have if it wasn’t to do with this car. It not an amazing car it’s a 16 year old banger, so l don’t want to sound like I’m showing off. I find it really hard to explain.
It just feels like now I have become convenient to this person they have made more effort to talk to me.
My mental health hasn’t been the best for a few months now, and I don’t know if that’s playing a part in making me feel this way but all I can’t shake the feeling that a lot of my ‘friends’ aren’t really my friends at all. Am I being unreasonable?

Friend getting in contact now may be because you've started communicating more?

You've said yourself you pulled away. People aren't going to chase you forever.

I had a friend do this. At same time I had my mum diagnosed with terminal illness and my ds a degenerative condition.

Ignored my calls, text 3 days later to say what's up. Tell her and ask to chat. Nope - too busy.

Last we bumped into each other at supermarket and she have me lowdown on her life. Said she needed chat. Text later that day good to see her, fancy coffee etc etc. 3 days later get a text to say not today and next text - again not now.

I never text again. Now I get texts saying I don't text anymore. My reply was "same to you"

Decide what you want. Do you want her in your life now you've decided your ready to communicate or not?

The car is different. You can refuse to do errands.

Commenting on how lucky before lockdown is an innocent and correct observation - cos it is!

YANBU, you know her best. In this situation, I would stop doing any of these 'friends' any favours, but keep the door open for friendship by responding to texts.

Just keep being busy when they need help! (Of course I don't count genuine friends in this).

It's good to maintain your boundaries. I'm sorry about your marriage and I hope 2021 brings peace.

@Kaia20 Totally on your side. I, (like you and some others here,) have had 'friends' in the past, who are only friends when it suits them, and THAT type of 'friend' only gets in touch when you are of use to them. And the 'lift beggars' who want you to run them around in your car like you're their bloody chauffeur, are the worst kind. They think cars run on fresh air.

In addition, I have had people contacting me (who haven't been arsed for several years,) when I came into some money (just mid 4 figures,) and also when I got a job in a theatre, (and they asked for free concert tickets.) And there are several other examples, in addition to people asking me to drive them here and there... (Never offer petrol money of course!)

I don't keep in touch with anyone now, who hasn't been arsed to maintain contact, and I only give people my time and attention, if they reciprocate. Doesn't have to be 50-50, but at least make SOME effort. I only have 3 friends now, and only live near one (the other 2 are 18 and 25 miles away,) but I can depend on them in an emergency, and they can depend on me.

The users and pisstakers have been binned off, YEARS ago now. I even changed my name on facebook. So if I am 'Patricia Luther,' my name on facebook is Pattilou. And on twitter and instagram. So people from the past can't contact me. I have everyone in my life who I need and want. People from the past who haven't been arsed for several years can fuck off.

And no, you are NOT hard work! This is such a rude and laughably predictable mumsnet insult, that always comes from the most obtuse of posters. It's right up there with 'you don't sound like you like him much OP,' when someone posts anything negative about their husband. Silly, rude, condescending shite, because they can't think of anything sensible and constructive to say. Ignore this!!!

I am sorry you have been so blue, and that your so-called friends have been so shit. Your feelings are valid, and I hope you find good friends in your life soon (who deserve you!)

Take care of yourself.

Respect your own feelings. You'll feel a lot better. So what if it is just you? So what if you're being unreasonable?

Your senses are telling you something. Why are you feeling the need to consult some strangers on the internet to see if that's ok or not? It's your responsibility to choose who you have in your life. Do you want people in your life who make you feel the way this woman makes you feel? It's your decision.

Have a read about self validation.

[quote Kaia20]@ChablisandCrisps Hardly ‘hard work’ when people don’t fucking bother with me until they need/want something and only seem to contact me when I am convenient for them or they need a favour.[/quote]
I agree with this. YABU. I'd not bother too much with this 'friend' anymore, if I were you.

Speaking as someone who has been completely demolished financially and emotionally by lockdown and school closures, it is just possible that your friend is also struggling. I haven't told any of my friends, and especially not the ones who I know are struggling themselves. I've just been lying very low. Before you bin your friend, remember that she might have been having problems too, and perhaps she is trying to find ways to reconnect with you which you are reading as her trying to use you?

Sorry, @Kaia20 ... I definitely meant you are NOT unreasonable. Damn the fact that we have no edit button.

Is it possible that your friend felt awkward and now is using the car as a way to start a conversation?
Only you will know if that is the case or whether she is just a using shit bag!
I'd reply with general stuff and see if there is a pattern of behaviour.

I used to get invited to things like parties, shopping trips, concerts, by non-drivers.
Cheaper than a cab.

It's a tough one.
I had a friend who did all that "chase me, chase me shit" (I'm not saying you are ) she did things expecting me to run after her, again and again it was boring, made me feel like shit about things that weren't my fault and it was just hard work.

We are grown women, if I have pissed someone off, just pick the phone up and tell me, it won't be intentional p, so we can just talk it out. Not texting her back and ignoring her to show her , is not good.

Ring her, check she is ok, tell her you feel she let you down. Hug and make up. Good friendships are only really known to be good when you have a bumpy patch, when it's all great it's easy, when it's tough you need to have the tough conversations and either get through it, or you weren't that good friends to begin with. Do it face to face, zoom or whatsapp these never go well when you can't see the others face IMO

Also in these conditions there is not really a lot to talk about in general, yes she should have checked in on you if you were struggling, maybe the car comment was just an opener to try and get a conversation starter

I think this is probably quite typical behaviour of people to be honest. People get caught up in their own lives, she might think about you wonder how you are then be distracted by stuff going on in her own life. Then something comes up and she wonders if you can help and it doesn't really occur to her that she hasn't put much effort into the friendship because in her head you're friends and there's no issues that she's aware of.

You could try telling friends you've missed hearing from them if they haven't contacted you or something similar and see if they up their game. It depends if you think she is a good friend generally or not.

Op, I’m sorry you have been feeling like this, just to let you know, ive been going through divorce too and EXACTLY the same has happened. All my good friends, who I have been there for every step of the way when they’ve been through their own hardships, have just disappeared. I did the same as you and became a hermit in the beginning because I just didn't have the ability to face anyone else and not one of my close friends turned up when I needed them.
It feels like a kick in the teeth when they’ve already been kicked out doesn't it...Im sorry you’ve had to manage alone.

It's like if you won the lottery then suddenly everyone was there with the how are you ect, it seems this is also the case now you have the car, especially if before the car, there was hardly any contact.

Maybe the car was just a conversation starter for her. She was aware she hasn't contacted you enough and that was her in...

So.shes asked once for a hand with a something/a lift, then spoke again in a conversation? Did you run around after her in the car loads before?

I suspect the "how are you, kids" message is because she suddenly clocked that something was up and was testing that.

I think it's fine to say a flat "No, sorry, can't" to errands but then also to say something like "Look, to be honest, I've always thought of you as a good friend because x, y, z but over the last year with the divorce etc I sometimes felt a bit let down by you because a, b, c. Obviously everyone is going through a difficult time with covid but where are you at with our friendship?"

I’d be tempted to reply along lines of oh, hi, haven’t heard from you for aaaaages, everything ok? Leaves the door open for her to respond, Mayr even to apologise for not being in touch.

Perhaps give her a chance, respond in a friendly manner and keep a convo going.

Then if it starts to become her just asking for favours, distance yourself

Since I had a baby this year, people I thought were friends have just disappeared, even one I told that I was really struggling. Hasn’t really even asked how I am.

I think when we go through things and our lives change we see who our real friends are. Decide if you want this friendship. If you do, talk to her and explain your feelings. If not, I would keep contact to a minimum and certainly don’t do any favours or errands.

@IsabellaMozzarella

Maybe the car was just a conversation starter for her. She was aware she hasn't contacted you enough and that was her in...

yeah and the first thing she asked was.. could you drive me to A to pick up B... she was totally aware and saw the chance to use OP.

Some friends are crap at keeping a friendship going, and you have to decide whether you're happy being the one who makes all the effort all the time. If you, great. If not, it'll just wear you down.

My 'best friend' knows more about me than anyone else, and knows how much I've struggled with anxiety and depression. I finally booked a GP appointment this last Monday, and I was so scared, I was thinking of cancelling right up to when it happened, and was saying to him the night before that I couldn't do this. He just replied aww you'll be fine.

The next day, he never even bothered to text me to say good luck, or later to ask how it went. It might sound pathetic, but it was such a big thing for me, he's been there through the years so he knows that, yet he doesn't seem to be bothered or care.

I wonder why he even texts me if he doesn't care about me on that level.

I agree with the idea that the friend has probably had her own crap to deal with in the midst of the pandemic. However, to suddenly pop up asking for transport just after you get a new car is suspicious and presses the User button for me. I'd keep her at arms length until she shows she's not just out for what she can get.

OP, I think I'd be angry too but it's just possible that ppl didn't reach out because they were overwhelmed or they just didn't know how to start, with all you had going on.

Sadly, I've seen support networks fail more than once when someone was in crisis - sometimes ppl go AWOL because they know they're needed and can't handle it.

So I'd at least consider cutting her some - well, a lot of - slack. See if you can still have a meaningful exchange, w/out reference to car, and maybe she can offer some explanation for her absence.

I think this depends on how you look at it. You say you were the one contacting your friend first to ask for support, but as soon you stopped making contact, she didn't get in touch. However, looking at it from the other side, your friend may feel that you only ever got in touch with her when you needed something. Did you ever contact her just to chat and ask how she was doing, or was she basically there for you when you needed her?

If she generally supported you when you needed you and didn't really ask for anything in return at that time, I would be prepared to overlook this and get back in touch and see how the friendship progresses, but being aware of give and take of both sides.

when you needed her* not you...