To wonder why the children of very hardworking/talented parents can turn out very lazy?

[ReallySpicyCurry]

Just something I was discussing with a friend recently. We both know various people whose parents were exceptionally hardworking, and/or who pulled themselves up in the world due to an unusual level of intellect or talent. I'm not saying they're all millionaires or anything like that, but their efforts have enabled them to create notably better lives and opportunities for their children, and they're looked on as success stories.

Now the children are adults, and have a really lazy view of the world and of work. They will only work the bare minimum they're capable of, and only if they have to, and anything that requires the least bit of effort is looked on with suspicion. They moan a lot and act suprised about having to do things that other people take for granted as part of adult life.

Obviously it's not everyone, but it was interesting that we've both noticed the same thing in very different people - though maybe it's just highlighted by the success of their parents, but as my friend (who has done a lot of online dating) pointed out, even when she was dating men like this, it got to the point where nine times out of ten it turned out he'd had parents who built their own business out of scratch or something, yet he would be moaning about working 25 hours a week.

I had very hard working parents, my mum very pushy about education. Unfortunately I was pushed into what she thought would be good and I spent a lot of time studying to be that and then found I absolutely hated it. After that I always just floundered around in low paid jobs not really sure what direction to go in and working as little as I could afford while still being able to do the things I wanted.

I think my mum will work until the day she keels over, she doesn't really do anything she enjoys, she's constantly on the go. She came from a very poor family so I think everything that has been said is true, but it hasn't given her a particularly enjoyable life IMO.

I hate the ridiculous cultish devotion to “hard work” as if it was the be all and end all of everything virtuous. In the UK it is mostly a myth peddled by the idle rich.

The kids at my school with the most successful parents were the ones who turned up stoned to lessons.

My DH has a very successful parent and he very purposely has chosen a career path they will give him more time at home with our DCs. He made the decision that he’d rather spend time with his kids than be a big earner.

This is a concern of mine with my own children. They are only toddlers at the moment but I want them to have the drive to succeed that I had as a child and the motivation to do well. Mine was spurred on by coming from a low income family, with only my dad earning a wage and very low levels of education for both my parents. I wanted to go to uni (neither of my parents did) and get a good job so I didn't have to struggle like my parents. My parents were so supportive of this and fuelled my hunger. I worry that if my kids get what they want they won't have the same motivation to do well but it will be my job to set the record straight and let them know that I won't be bankrolling anyone into adulthood. My dad would always push me to get a good education as it would open doors for me and allow me opportunities he simply didn't have.

I once watched an interview with David Beckham and the interviewer asked about whether any of his kids would go into football and he thought only one had the talent but didn't think they had his commitment or genuine hunger as they had a very different childhood to his own.

I'm not talking about people doing reasonable jobs, or choosing a lesser paid career path or going part-time to be with the kids-I'm talking about people who are now in their late thirties, early forties, still living at home working part-time in a local shop and their parents wondering why they are still not quite functioning adults! I know several who just don't have the drive to do any of the things their parents did, even down to basic stuff like earn a living wage for a family or have a nice house. I don't want my children to 'work hard' in the pursuit of meaningless success, but equally I don't want them to be ignorant about the cost of living, or to realise that when you make choices, they have consequences. I think it's sad, the people I know anyway, who still live at home and can't seem to move on, because they are facilitated to become dependent way after it seems helpful, it also doesn't help relationships I don't think, living with mum and dad' beyond a certain life point.

Poppingnostopping yes that's the sort of people I'm thinking of - it's not even that they've simply not become a millionaire or a heart surgeon or something, like their parents, because they've chosen to work 35 hours a week for a charity they feel strongly about- the idea of working any sort of basic job is too arduous, and if they find themselves strong armed into one it's minimal effort and lots of moaning.

Love those quotes about the clogs and the paddy fields!

@DynamoKev

I hate the ridiculous cultish devotion to “hard work” as if it was the be all and end all of everything virtuous. In the UK it is mostly a myth peddled by the idle rich.

Totally agree, I couldn't care less about working and certainly don't see hard work for someone else, as something to be proud of. We all judge success differently, some see self fulfilment as the ultimate success, not money, job, power over others, material goods, etc.

Was going to say about the 3 generation thing - I see a couple of others referred to it above.
In my old local community there was talk of 1st generation earning, 2nd generation seeing the 1st earning and appreciating the work and value of money, and the 3rd generation thinking money comes easy and spending it all.
Apparently quite common situation with local families.
Sounds too simplistic to me!

The automatic assumption is that being hardworking is a virtue.

But perhaps these children don't see it that way - it's possible they look at the lives their parents led and don't want that for themselves. Their parents had to be hardworking, but their kids can focus on their own life priorities.

From my perspective if you grow up without very much, there is a greater drive to succeed/ work hard/ make yourself financially secure, than if you grow up taking that stuff for granted.

I grew up in relative poverty, I was very studious, did well at exams and ended up going to Cambridge. I obtained professional qualifications and now own my house outright. I've worked bloody hard in the last 25 years to make sure me and my children had the financial security I didn't.

My children are basically slackers. Not interested in uni, they're bright but unfocused. Eldest is 22 and still has no idea of a career path, in fact his dream is to give up work (he's currently on furlough and delighted). But they are good kids nonetheless, they're lazy but they don't take money for granted, have never asked for nor expected lavish presents or luxuries. They're also a lot more normal than I ever was, they fit in really well with their peer groups, whereas I always felt like an outsider. So it's not all bad. If they could only decide on a career path (even if it was a very low paid career) then I'd be able to stop worrying about them!

Regression to the mean

simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regression_toward_the_mean

I think a lot of it is your personality and how you are raised, but I also agree that if you have it all already you are less likely to strive to attain it.

Better explanation here: www.discovermagazine.com/health/a-mediocre-mans-great-son-a-great-mans-mediocre-son

I cant see what you can do as a parent.

If you're successful your kids are unlikely to have grit or drive cos it's too easy, but since they will have undisputable privileges (private school) some with or without talent end up in the top echelons (just look at our top businessmen and politicians).

If you're not successful, you may or may not inadvertently give them ambition, but they may also adopt a more hippie/self fulfilment stance.

What exactly is the moral of these stories? It's all nature really not nurture?

Most people I've seen that had rich parents all ended up junkie wasters, in counselling, alcoholics etc.

Spoilt kids with the woe is me spiel innit.

Being poor can be a motivator. I also think there's may be a bit of a genetic component.
It's more visible in extreme good looks: one child in a family will stand out. Then their children go back to be being average for that family.

Likewise exceptionally driven people will likely have more average children.

I didnt really read that article but again it seemed to say you may or may not inherit your dad's height plus mum's height, so you may or may not follow in your dad's sporting footsteps?

I think if you are talking about people coming from deprived backgrounds and becoming exceptionally successful then you are really just seeing reversion to the mean. Most people from a very poor background don't do exceptionally well in their career. In the same way that (unless your name is Curie) Nobel Prize winners don't have Nobel Prize winning children. But when it comes to the comfortable middle class there are lots of people who do well, have a good lifestyle with a secure flexible job with good pension, and manage to instill an appropriate work ethic in their children so they do the same. The son that goes off the rails is noteworthy among all the doctors and lawyers and engineers.

I was thinking about this the other day, a good example a well known rich socialite started up an online hair product business and a baby one I think? The hair one had some good products but for whatever reason it's not trading anymore, I'm not sure the baby one is either tbh, but you would think that with all that money she would have had the best web designers, marketers, backing etc and yet they still tanked, perhaps you don't have the motivation when you don't actually HAVE to earn money from it, or maybe she got bored with it all, who knows!

I am always surprised that the offspring of rich celebrities who must have had the best education money can buy end up being handbag designers/ photographers/ film producers/ models, you'd think one or two would be Doctors or Lawyers wouldn't you?

True in some cases

An ex-mate of mine was given a large sun of money at 21 and bought a big house. She has a dead end job paying 22k and would be given cheques as her nan had "too much money in her account"

She has zero drive in education only got GCSEs and no interest in work for promotions. She's known she'd get that money at 21 since being a child. The end goal has already been given to her, so what's the aspiration of working hard?

I totally agree @ReallySpicyCurry

I know someone exactly like this

I think Roger Taylor of Queen fame has a doctor among his kids.

Also now the elderly hard working person needs care, the offspring, who live solely on the parents money, wont spend a penny on their care

You see this a lot on rich kids go skint.