To wonder why the children of very hardworking/talented parents can turn out very lazy?

[ReallySpicyCurry]

Just something I was discussing with a friend recently. We both know various people whose parents were exceptionally hardworking, and/or who pulled themselves up in the world due to an unusual level of intellect or talent. I'm not saying they're all millionaires or anything like that, but their efforts have enabled them to create notably better lives and opportunities for their children, and they're looked on as success stories.

Now the children are adults, and have a really lazy view of the world and of work. They will only work the bare minimum they're capable of, and only if they have to, and anything that requires the least bit of effort is looked on with suspicion. They moan a lot and act suprised about having to do things that other people take for granted as part of adult life.

Obviously it's not everyone, but it was interesting that we've both noticed the same thing in very different people - though maybe it's just highlighted by the success of their parents, but as my friend (who has done a lot of online dating) pointed out, even when she was dating men like this, it got to the point where nine times out of ten it turned out he'd had parents who built their own business out of scratch or something, yet he would be moaning about working 25 hours a week.

Maybe they’ve had a charmed childhood (on the back of the successful parent) and didn’t learn the same life lessons as the parent.

@biggirlknickers

Maybe they’ve had a charmed childhood (on the back of the successful parent) and didn’t learn the same life lessons as the parent.

THIS in spades

Is this a generational thing - a lot of 20 somethings i know are not lazy per se, but they certainly do not see work the same way we did when we were 20 something. Partly also growing up on a world of instant access to information and technology that seems to make everything happen at a click (instant gratification)

There’s an interesting book on this subject. I think it’s called The Talent Code. Basically, if you have it all already, you’re less likely to be motivated to achieve it. There was some evidence that talent ‘hot spots’ in sports emerge in places where they don’t have all the fancy new facilities.

Partly, I suppose, because they haven't HAD to work hard in the way their parents have. That said, while I've known plenty of lazy, entitled people from privileged backgrounds, I've known some very hardworking ones and many who fall somewhere in between.
Possibly, they've grown up hearing quite a lot of "You don't know how lucky you are, when I was your age I was doing xyz to achieve abc..."
Young people quite often don't want to be anything like their parents. If they're a naturally lazy person, growing up hearing how hard their parents have worked and why they should as well, they might just push back against it.

Plus if the parents are driven, they will tend to not let the child do things as the kid is too slow.

I'd like to know if there's a solution to it!

(As the hard working parent of an idle teenager...) It massively frustrates myself and DH that our teenager can't be bothered to put the effort in to anything, despite being bright and capable. We both have a real work ethic that appears to be missing in him.

I have a few family friends where the children have turned up like this.

All children are different. Some thrive and are inspired seeing busy hardworking parents. Others might need more input or help and in those cases it doesn't work (I think these are the minority of cases btw).

My Mum was inspired seeing how hard her parents worked and did the same herself. One family friend I can think of the son felt angry and neglected that his parents were so busy working and has done literally nothing with his life (he still lives with them in his 30s, has never had a job and just plays computer games - it's sad).

What previous posters have said, plus they expect a nice inheritance.

Yeah, I know a few. Parents successful professionals after slogging through uni, postgrad education etc, live in huge houses and all choose (or drop out of) very undemanding paths. I guess they will be OK anyway, but I do wonder if one day it will compute that they can't actually even close to match their current lifestyle through their own earning.

Now the children are adults, and have a really lazy view of the world and of work. They will only work the bare minimum they're capable of, and only if they have to, and anything that requires the least bit of effort is looked on with suspicion. They moan a lot and act suprised about having to do things that other people take for granted as part of adult life.

This could be a combination of privilege and the fact that they are actually naturally bright, like their parents - the two together might well mean that they didn't get used to putting much effort in as children (that's a known thing, where children who are used to being able to achieve academically without trying just give up if they encounter something they find hard) and that they don't have the driving need to change their situation to bother as adults.

DH and I were talking the other day about the fact that a lot of people we know, including us, who had parents who grew up poor but became quite wealthy have, objectively, achieved a lot less than our parents did at the same age and earn quite a lot less (adjusting for inflation!). I definitely think in my case it was because I was strongly encouraged to follow my interests rather than thinking about careers in a pragmatic way, including salary (this is probably also gendered), and because I grew up in a house where money wasn't a problem and so I didn't think much about money and so wasn't particularly motivated to earn it, whereas my dad was very focused on not going back to the poverty he'd experienced in child. That said, I don't think I'm lazy as such - I have a PhD, I've always worked and mostly in jobs with long hours - as much as a bit... unworldly?

I also think the reverse is also true - I have a highly motivated child but I would consider both her father and I to be lazy in relation to our abilities. My father was also highly motivated and came from a relatively deprived background and 'made' it. Of his four children, 2 of them have done as well or better than he did and the other two of us rested rather heavily on our laurels.

It may come down to genetics - maybe the gene for motivation is recessive :p

Maybe they’ve had a charmed childhood (on the back of the successful parent) and didn’t learn the same life lessons as the parent.

Yes and no, because while they've wanted for nothing, the ones I know, off the top of my head, were encouraged/expected as teens to get weekend jobs, volunteer, commit to responsibilities, study. They had nothing to worry about, that's for sure, but they weren't actively spoilt either.

I've just looked up The Talent Code and can see the logic behind it- it's similar to the whole idea of people staying in their comfort zone, isn't it.

I'll admit I am like this, I never wanted for anything in childhood and was reasonably bright. I was a academicly driven but I just never felt that drive in the workplace. Whilst undoubtedly my parents worked hard, this often had a negative impact on our home life and I think this is what has stayed with me. Very grumpy parents who were stressed out with work. Probably alongside a bit of unrealistic arrogance that I'd just do well as a result of being bright.

I think that sometimes about celebrities children. The celeb themselves has an obvious talent, done well in life etc but their (adult) children don’t. There are exceptions e.g say Paul McCartney has produced talented children and there are acting dynasties too but far more the other way imo

It's certainly interesting. I agree that the parents will use the money from their hard won careers to give their children "a good start" - private education and other privileges. But as we all know, privilege can be harmful too. My FIL was a merchant banker, earned piles of money, 4 kids went to top schools, he helped them out with buying cars and homes. But of the 4 only my husband got a professional qualification and had a career. The others were unemployed or dropped in and out of paid work. One brother became a heroin user and died in his 40s. The youngest brother is very clever and capable but could never hold down a job for more than a few months because he thought he was special and no one should tell him what to do.

But dont forget there is nature as well as nuture. My H had the same upbringing (though he was probably the least favourite child, certainly of the 3 boys). He says he just had a work ethic and wanted to earn his own money. The others were happy to coast along and bank on a large inheritance eventually. Spoiler : care home fees meant that didn't really happen.

I have done very well in my career. My sister who was streets ahead in our school days has a qualification but is in a part time job with no progression in her 40s. I just seem to be more ambitious and competitive. You don't choose your personality.

I've tried to show and teach my own children a good work ethic and not make life too easy. I think one of mine will be fine. The other has learning difficulties and will always struggle and need more help from us. That isn't his fault (or ours).

There's a book or an academic who has this theory that as a rule, the most successful people are those who had difficult childhoods - poverty, abuse, emotional insecurity etc. I think I saw something on Twitter and it was a list of examples. The theory was that these people are highly motivated to change things. I think. I can't remember but something like that.

I didn't have a hard or difficult childhood but things didn't just come easy to us and our parents were quite tough at times. I certainly never grew up with any expectation that life would be easy for me. And so I worry that i Make life too easy for my children.

But then... I also know, for example, that my education, while good, wasn't taken that seriously. No one ever stopped and thought, "Oh, Space would do much better at THAT school because of x or y". But then, DS, if he'd been brought up as I was, would probably have been written off as "thick" by now and it's very unlikely that there would have been any effort to help him or to support him.

So pros and cons I guess.

You said it yourself. The parents were exceptionally hardworking or had an unusual level of intellect or talent.

Because the hardworking parents often hand them everything on a plate "to give them the life they never had growing up".

From a teachers perspective I've noticed that some very hardworking parents turn into lawnmowers when it comes to their kids. Any minor hurdle must be cut down, child must never have to work hard or experience minor struggle - and if they struggle (which everyone does) there must be an issue to fix for them. It's not good imo.

Of course not all parents are like that but just something I've noticed over the years.

I thought this was going to be a thread about the Middleton offspring.

If you've achieved a level of income where your washing machine packing up doesn't send you into a panic about affording a replacement, it's very difficult to instill in your children that edge of feeling that working hard is vital for survival.

This is one reason why I shall be encouraging my children to move out. Not necessarily straight after college, and I'd have them at home for a short while if they wanted to save money or were in a difficult situation, and yes, I know, deposits are more now. I just don't want to facilitate a super-easy life though, where they only have to earn enough to cover 'fun' stuff and a small amount of bills- I've seen it happen many times now, child gets attic room with bathroom built in, or in one case I know someone who turned outhouses into apartments for the kids, which is all great but then they don't want to leave and they also don't want to bother earning huge amounts of money. I'd rather gift them the money and support them to live independently for this reason.

Helicopter parents!

Agree with everyone

I know someone who came from a very poor background, did fantastically well and is very senior in a corporate role. Lovely woman. Her children are precocious little dickheads. They’re now in their early 20s and are lazy and arrogant about money. The woman I know thinks this is utterly charming and feels that she’s worked really hard so is glad that her kids don’t have to.