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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask husband not to have op right now?

58 replies

orangesky1 · 05/01/2021 15:32

My husband is scheduling an elective operation for ankle surgery in the coming weeks. He has an injury over 10 years ago and has decided he wants it fixed and has been offered surgery.

We have a 10 month old and I work full time. I am stressed as looking at chat topics about the op recovery online it seems minimum 3-4 weeks recovery on sofa time before walking / driving (of course many months until fully recovered).

This means I will need to do all nursery runs, all bathtime, bedtime, wake ups, all weekend child care, all nappies. Plus looking after house, doing all meals, laundry, bins etc and caring for husband. Plus my full time job of course!

He is being optimistic about his recovery and thinks it will only be a couple of weeks, but I operate at pretty exhausted level generally, I'm just not sure how I will cope. I will get no time to myself! Of course I know there are single parents who manage this and more. But would I be unreasonable to ask him to put op off until baby can walk / is a bit more independent?

His ankle does not cause him day to day trouble, but stops him participating in some sports.

We are not in UK so not the same Covid concerns re hospital.

OP posts:

EagleFlight · 05/01/2021 15:35

So when do you feel he can have the operation as everything you seem to object to doing whilst he recuperates isn’t going to stop if he waits a few years. It seems unreasonable to ask that of him.

ExclamationPerfume · 05/01/2021 15:40

It would be better to get it done now before baby is mobile. At least you can keep them in a small area. Once they are walking it's much harder.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/01/2021 15:41

I think you aren't quite appreciating how having an injury for ten years can affect somebody.

Unless it's actually his Achilles being severed and reattached, in which case I'd say don't do it right now, as that can take much, much longer to fix and results in being non weightbearing for a huge length of time, at any rate.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 05/01/2021 15:42

So when would be a good time?
Because nursery runs are going to continue until they turn into school runs. So do you mean you want him to postpone until your child can get themselves to school?

Children need putting to bed for many years, they need bathing for many years. They won't need a mobile parent less, but more as they just get faster and more active.

You are acting as if in a few months time, they'll put themselves to bed, get up at a reasonable time, feed themselves and take themselves off to nursery . In 6 months, 13 months, a year, two years, they will be just as dependent, but they will be FASTER. Now is much better time to have the surgery, unless you want him to delay for 5-10 years?

ivfbeenbusy · 05/01/2021 15:43

YABU

Get a cleaner and someone to done the ironing or something for the few weeks he'll be laid up?

Lots of people have the same amount of "workload" to do

Original poster

orangesky1 · 05/01/2021 15:45

Ok fair enough. Unreasonable it is!

I posted because I wasn't sure if I was being selfish or not, which I probably am.

I am glad I posted as have not mentioned concerns to him yet. Will suck it up!

OP posts:

Tiktaktoe · 05/01/2021 15:46

What is he putting in place to avoid leaving you with everything while he recovers?
Childcare/Cleaner/Food prep/Batch cooking and freezing meals?

Cabinfever10 · 05/01/2021 15:48

Having had 1 lot of ankle surgery and looking at more yabvu.
He will be on crutches not bed rest he will still be able to watch dc and change nappies ect ok he won't be able to carry dc but can sit at the side of the bath and bath him and fed him just no cooking or cleaning

Clymene · 05/01/2021 15:49

Yes I think planning on how you're going to manage is key. Honestly it will be much harder with a toddler - you can't take your eye off them for a second. At least with a crawler your husband can do prone supervision

VinylDetective · 05/01/2021 15:49

@ExclamationPerfume

It would be better to get it done now before baby is mobile. At least you can keep them in a small area. Once they are walking it's much harder.

This. Life’s harder when babies start moving.

Original poster

orangesky1 · 05/01/2021 15:58

Yes ok, thanks for the tips re sitting and watching - so at least I can lift baby into bath and leave with husband to watch for a but while I get on with stuff.

That gives me a bit of relief. I was imagining running around for weeks after husband just lying on sofa demanding cups of tea and food!

OP posts:

pinkgin85 · 05/01/2021 16:08

This was us last month, DH had knee surgery to fix his ACL in early December and I was not looking forward to it with a baby and a primary age child and no help. But we got through it. I didn't want to ask him not to have it because if it was the other way round I wouldn't have liked it if he didn't support me.

pinkgin85 · 05/01/2021 16:10

I ordered food from someone that lasted me a good two weeks so I didn't have to worry about cooking. He did a massive house clean, laundry, fill up the car etc beforehand so I didn't have to worry about anything except looking after the kids.

You'll be fine!

Meh21 · 05/01/2021 16:13

But won’t it be the same further down the line for you? Personally I would want to get it done ASAP just so it’s done as waiting lists are so long. Will there ever be a right time?

I’m sure he can still hold and entertain a young child from a sofa for a short period of time before they get bored.

6079SmithW · 05/01/2021 16:16

When you're tired and struggling the thought of any additional tasks can be too much for anyone, so don't feel bad OP.
I agree with others that the way forward is to swap jobs around/outsource what you can in the short term.
Are you able to get some time off work? Despite the lockdown childcare is still available so that might be a short term quick fix? I know you probably feel that your child is young, but a couple of hours and couple of days a week for a couple of weeks won't hurt.
Give your husband any jobs that can be done sitting down (within reason obviously because he still needs to recuperate!). Get a cleaner, shopping done online and someone to do your ironing.
All the best!

blalalala · 05/01/2021 16:23

Surely there are some things he can do if on crutches or with a 'boot'? You can prepare vegetables whilst sat on a stool, as an example.

2bazookas · 05/01/2021 16:39

DH smashed his ankle very badly and required surgery, steel pins and below-knee plaster cast to repair it. He was mobile on long crutches as soon as he came home from hospital.

I'd say a 10 month old baby is a lot less mobile and demanding now than it will be in another year. They'll soon adapt.

Northernparent68 · 05/01/2021 16:41

@Tiktaktoe

What is he putting in place to avoid leaving you with everything while he recovers? Childcare/Cleaner/Food prep/Batch cooking and freezing meals?

Tiktaktoe, it’s a joint responsibility surely ? You sound like you think he’ll be skiving

heymammy · 05/01/2021 16:41

@pinkgin85 has the right idea...get DH to do as much prep as possible before the surgery: do a big clean, get washing up to date, clean bedding on all beds, even lay out a week's worth of DC's clothes.

Whilst in recovery baby can miss a few baths, they don't need washed every day, set up an easy access changing station where you can plonk baby and let DH get on with it and let things slide a bit (if you are an ironer then stop - there's no point!). Get takeaway or eat ready meals at least for the first week.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 05/01/2021 16:47

If the baby is not yet mobile, it will be easier now than later. At least he can currently mind the baby while you do cooking etc. Once baby is mobile he won't even be able to do that!

MatildaTheCat · 05/01/2021 16:48

DS aged 28 has very recently had surgery that sounds the same as this; essentially repairing a snapped ligament. He very much underestimated the impact of the surgery. He was in quite considerable pain for the first two weeks and found non weight bearing on crutches a real pain.

He’s now weight bearing in a boot and doing well after 4 weeks but still obviously can’t drive and get out much.

I think YANBU and if he can delay this until your lives are a bit more manageable then that would be better. Or, as suggested upthread until you can afford as a family to pay for some significant extra help during his recovery.

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/01/2021 16:51

I agree it’ll be harder when baby is mobile, so not a good idea to put it off a bit.

But I voted yanbu as I think he has to make sure he’s put systems in place to make this work and to give you what assistance he can. He can’t expect uninterrupted sofa recovery time with you running around after him if there’s a baby to care for.

Just make a plan with him in writing before he has it so everything is clear.

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/01/2021 16:52

Plus yes pay for some extra help

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 05/01/2021 16:56

Tbh, you aren't in much of a different situation to if you were a single parent, or if your partner went away for a few weeks with work. You have just one child, I don't think it sounds that bad tbh. Not enough to warrant worrying about it or needing to spring clean before and lay out clothes. It'll be tiring, and if you can prep for it, great, but it's very similar to a significant proportion of the populations normal life, so it should be manageable short term.

unmarkedbythat · 05/01/2021 16:58

Drop your standards a bit whilst your husband recovers from his surgery. If I was going to have surgery for a long term issue and my DH said "I don't want you to as I will need to pick up the slack whilst you recover" I wouldn't think much of him, tbh. If he said "I'm worried I won't be able to manage everything whilst you recover" I'd want to discuss with him what he felt he wouldn't cope with and then we could agree together what was needed as preparation and what was realistic for the recovery period.

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