To ask husband not to have op right now?

[orangesky1]

My husband is scheduling an elective operation for ankle surgery in the coming weeks. He has an injury over 10 years ago and has decided he wants it fixed and has been offered surgery.

We have a 10 month old and I work full time. I am stressed as looking at chat topics about the op recovery online it seems minimum 3-4 weeks recovery on sofa time before walking / driving (of course many months until fully recovered).

This means I will need to do all nursery runs, all bathtime, bedtime, wake ups, all weekend child care, all nappies. Plus looking after house, doing all meals, laundry, bins etc and caring for husband. Plus my full time job of course!

He is being optimistic about his recovery and thinks it will only be a couple of weeks, but I operate at pretty exhausted level generally, I'm just not sure how I will cope. I will get no time to myself! Of course I know there are single parents who manage this and more. But would I be unreasonable to ask him to put op off until baby can walk / is a bit more independent?

His ankle does not cause him day to day trouble, but stops him participating in some sports.

We are not in UK so not the same Covid concerns re hospital.

Sorry , whilst I can understand your worries, YABU and quite selfish too.
Others have put some of the reasons more succcintly, but I would have you think about appointments. Do you think, they are available whenever you fancy it. Who knows when your |DH will be able to get the next one

You are being both unreasonable and selfish.

Yes 10 year is a long time to have already waited....

good luck to him for a speedy recovery

He will be incapacitated after his surgery @Northernparent68, so yes what is he going to do so that his wife doesn't have to cover his load as well as her own during his recovery.
Do you think he has no responsibility at all?

I would say YANBU - my partner had ankle surgery a couple of years ago (elective, for sports reasons) and he really underestimated recovery time. He couldn’t put any weight in it for the first 6 weeks and spent 4 weeks lying on a sofa not moving. I literally had to empty his piss pot for him cos the toilet was upstairs 🤨. It took 12 weeks for him to be mobile, drive etc.
There’s never a perfect time as pp have said, but I think it’s your joint decision to take as to when the ‘best’ time might be. If you feel it wouldn’t be manageable for you to solo parent for that time then that’s completely valid.

I think you're in a difficult position, but I think also being unreasonable in your expectations of your husband. Your husband has had a chronic injury for 10 years that affects him functionally and limits what he can do from what you have said- it seems's that he's come to a point where he can't cope with this.

You might also be busier once your baby is more independent, so good to have your husband available for support then.

I think prepare for this the best you can- any family help? Pay a cleaner for a while? Husband preparing meals to freeze in advance? Getting an adjustable table so your husband can still change nappies, feed the baby etc, even if he is on sofa rest.

Also, to the people saying OP is being selfish - is the husband not being selfish? He’s had this injury for 10 years, it’s not like a sudden accident. Why has he only decided now that he wants to get it fixed? Why not pre-baby? Maybe because he decided it was too disruptive to his lifestyle then 🤷🏼‍♀️. They have joint responsibility for parenting, so I think they get to jointly decide whether now is the right time.

It’s never ever a ‘good time ‘ to have surgery
It’s always a struggle
So I’d crack on personally

He’s had this injury for 10 years, it’s not like a sudden accident. Why has he only decided now that he wants to get it fixed?

Because more men than women hate going to the doctors. They’re socialised to be tough and “walk off” any injuries or “sleep off” any illness. It’s one reason why their life expectancy is a good few years shorter than women. It’s the male version of martyrdom. The female version is the harried mother/wife figure who puts everyone else first when it comes to housework/feelings etc.

What surgery is he having? I've had 3, and am planning a tibiotalar fusion in the future. With arthroscopic surgery he could be on his feet in a couple of weeks, for a ligament repair with a cast he won't be mobile for 6 weeks. If it's moderately serious he may need to keep the foot elevated. I would look into the recovery process really carefully to see what you should expect. If it seems feasible, both of you do as much as you can in advance, then plan which jobs he can do from the sofa. Bear in mind nothing is guaranteed and he could end up having a bigger op than planned (my first arthroscopic surgery was converted to open surgery and suddenly I was facing 4 weeks NWB instead of 2 days).

If he's not in pain he could postpone - but as pp have said will it really be any easier i the future? Is there any danger he might make the injury worse and need a bigger surgery?

It might be an inconvenience for you but you really dictate whether someone else has an operation. He obviously feels he needs it.

I've had 2 lots of ankle surgery. Admittedly immediately after I was so drugged up that I couldn't do much. But after I week I hopped around with the hoover, went upstairs on my bum, used a wheelchair (smaller foldable type) to get around the house until I was strong enough for crutches. No I couldn't drive but was capable of most domestic chores.
Same when I had a c-section, by day 2 I had DS in a sling shopping in Sainsburys.
I think what I'm saying is that the usual 6 weeks for recovery is a guide and you don't go from bed ridden to up and about like nothing happened over night.
Agree with PP that delaying until baby is older and more mobile will be worse.

You can't ask him to put it off for another 5 years tho, and what happens of you have a second?

However you can have clear rules -yoi are not the maid. If he can do a job sitting down, he can do it - food prep, ironing, folding washing etc.
Baby comes first, which might mean standards slip.

Can you afford to pay for a cleaner or similar help?

I would switch your thoughts on how to cope....

Can you get a cleaner, or get the ironing done for at lest the next 6 weeks.

Pre-preparing food and freezing or buying ready meals.

Take some annual leave, like 3 half days a week for 4 weeks to ease the pressure

I don't blame you for dreading the extra work this will bring you but agree, that non-mobile but can sit up and play with toys stage is going to be easier. Get him to take some responsibility for prepping the house and getting some easy cook meals in.

You have one child fgs. People suggesting getting cleaners in and getting someone else to do ironing etc 🙄 ridiculous. Ots a few weeks, and he will still be there and able to move.

A wheeled walker is better than crutches, they also have nifty knee gutter rolly things.
Both allow you to use your arms and be more stable.
I had 7 pins and a plate removed 2 months ago, painless walked that day although very very carefully.
Broke it badly 18 months ago, that’s why I know about the walker but again after a few days neither pain nor mobility were issues.
If the OR time is available now, I say go for it.

@Coldandcross

Also, to the people saying OP is being selfish - is the husband not being selfish? He’s had this injury for 10 years, it’s not like a sudden accident. Why has he only decided now that he wants to get it fixed? Why not pre-baby? Maybe because he decided it was too disruptive to his lifestyle then 🤷🏼‍♀️. They have joint responsibility for parenting, so I think they get to jointly decide whether now is the right time.

Do you really think if op had posted to say "I've had a problem for about 10 years that requires surgery, I'm ready now to have to operation done but my husband doesn't want me to as he is worried looking after our child and house will be too hard for him whilst I recover", you would have thought "oh yes of course, op, that's perfectly reasonable. Now you are a parent, your fellow parent gets to decide whether or not you have surgery." Really? Because I think you'd have decried the OP's husband as a controlling, selfish man.

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I admit I was being selfish, I'm glad I mentioned it on here rather than with him to get some perspective first.

I work long hours (8-6) - he works shorter and so normally does some pick ups and dinner. It's going to be full on days and a bit long for baby. I also normally have to log on for a couple of hours in the evening.

He does a manual job, so is off for 3 months unpaid while he recovers. Finances are tight due to this so no possibility of getting extra baby sitters or cleaners etc.

I had poor mental health following birth which I managed to get on top of with exercise, and I am a bit worried about how long it will be before I can leave baby alone with him to exercise.

Baby often wakes for a couple of hours at night so I am also worried about doing all the wake ups as well and continuing to function, as I will probably have to be staying up later to do the work

I know it is all temporary and people deal with this all the time as normal life, but i am dreading it.

research seems to show 3-4 weeks recovery on sofa / immobile apart from physio- I will also need to take time off work to drive him to physio appts etc. I am only back a couple of months after baby and worried about redundancy due to General covid decline and also worried about putting head above parapet asking for time out for running him around, plus in the first couple of weeks to be at home to care for him...

He might be eligible for contributions based ESA for the period? Could be worth applying on the offchance, as it isn't affected by your income.

@MatildaTheCat

DS aged 28 has very recently had surgery that sounds the same as this; essentially repairing a snapped ligament. He very much underestimated the impact of the surgery. He was in quite considerable pain for the first two weeks and found non weight bearing on crutches a real pain.

He’s now weight bearing in a boot and doing well after 4 weeks but still obviously can’t drive and get out much.

I think YANBU and if he can delay this until your lives are a bit more manageable then that would be better. Or, as suggested upthread until you can afford as a family to pay for some significant extra help during his recovery.

How many years do you think it would be ok for your DS to have put off the operation if he was the DH in this situation? Another decade would mean he’d be almost 40. Do you really think that’s reasonable for the sake of a comparatively short term recovery when a lot can be done in terms of supporting the OP (eg. Cleaner, nursery attendance, frozen meals bulk stored etc).

@orangesky1

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I admit I was being selfish, I'm glad I mentioned it on here rather than with him to get some perspective first.

I work long hours (8-6) - he works shorter and so normally does some pick ups and dinner. It's going to be full on days and a bit long for baby. I also normally have to log on for a couple of hours in the evening.

He does a manual job, so is off for 3 months unpaid while he recovers. Finances are tight due to this so no possibility of getting extra baby sitters or cleaners etc.

I had poor mental health following birth which I managed to get on top of with exercise, and I am a bit worried about how long it will be before I can leave baby alone with him to exercise.

Baby often wakes for a couple of hours at night so I am also worried about doing all the wake ups as well and continuing to function, as I will probably have to be staying up later to do the work

I know it is all temporary and people deal with this all the time as normal life, but i am dreading it.

research seems to show 3-4 weeks recovery on sofa / immobile apart from physio- I will also need to take time off work to drive him to physio appts etc. I am only back a couple of months after baby and worried about redundancy due to General covid decline and also worried about putting head above parapet asking for time out for running him around, plus in the first couple of weeks to be at home to care for him...

Baby wakes up for a few hours then I would think your DH can very easily go downstairs to supervise as long as you carry the baby down and he can either ring you two hours later or you can set an alarm to go and bring your baby back to bed.

How much does he usually help

He can take a taxi to physio surely? You don't need to put your job at risk as well as coping with everything else

Just why is he doing it while things are so tight financially?

We won't be able to afford taxis to physio- £25-30 each way.

He does a lot usually - we both do. He is very good with baby. He also has baby one day a week as only works 4 days, so I will need to cover this with holiday. I'm not sure how long it will be before he can be left a whole day with baby by himself and not sure my work will be happy with me taking a day holiday each week too many weeks Ina row- we are so busy. And it sounds like it may be weeks, months even before I can even leave the house for a couple of hours except for work, as he wont be able to carry baby.

I am just worrie about coping. I am exhausted just day to day at the moment, work is so hectic, baby doesn't sleep well - I was really hoping to use a day or two holiday while baby was in nursery to get some time to myself, but it looks like I need to keep it all to care for him, and to cover his day with baby.

I sound like I'm grudging it, if I wasn't so tired and busy at work I would be fine but i just am dreading it...