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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want one child?

64 replies

sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 14:27

hi all,

me and my partner have a lovely 14 month old child who we of course love very much. as he has got older I am becoming increasingly of the mind that I think I only want one. I think until you have a baby you dont truly realise how much hard work it is and how much of you it takes.

dont get me wrong, I absolutely adore being a mum and love my little one to pieces. but I am young still, only mid 20s and I have been the sole carer his whole life. I have never had a break as my partner works 6 days a week. I also have a full time job.

my reasons are;
I had a very anxious pregnancy due to having a loss beforehand. not sure I could cope with another pregnancy and feeling like that for 9 months.
Financially, I think we are in a great place with just one.
mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure I could stretch myself across two. Our baby has never been a good sleeper, averaging 3/4 hours in a chunk at most with no sign of improving so I have spent his whole first year being exhausted. due to job, partner never really here to help. I dont think I want to spend the rest of my 20s being permanently exhausted and crying out of sheer tiredness. I miss my own hobbies too. as pre mentioned, I never get a break. ever.

My partner is not happy - said he always saw himself with 2.

he is saying I only feel like this atm because I'm tired. those who only have one what were your reasons? do you regret only having one? equally, those who have more than one, would you recommend or did you find it easier even then a lone child?

OP posts:
2021ComeAtMe · 05/01/2021 14:31

I have 1 DC and 1 DSC, and currently trying for one more. DH and I have agreed that this will be our last - 3 is enough, finances will be fine but wouldn't want to stretch further in relation to hobbies/holidays etc also like you ours doesn't sleep well so I'm only just starting to feel like I could do it again. My youngest is almost 3 but still wakes up at least once a night, and I am now aware that she may be waking when I'm already up and exhausted with a new baby, but hey ho!

YANBU for wanting to stick with one, it's your life and body, and the person who doesn't want any more trumps the person who does IMO. However, your DP is also not BU for wanting one more. You shouldn't ever feel pressured into having another one, but may need to accept that your DP may choose to be with someone who'd have more children with him I guess.

Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 14:37

I dont think he understands how hard it is doing it on your own. his world hasnt changed very much. he has always been a workaholic (not slating him for it but it's a factor in some of my reasoning) and he is simply not around. he also doesnt do the night wakings - I dont want to feel resentful towards him because it has recently started to feel like that, especially now I'm back at work.

if he made that choice, I would have to respect it.

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 05/01/2021 14:37

One of the worst parenting choices you could make would be to have a child you don't want.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 05/01/2021 14:39

I dont think he understands how hard it is doing it on your own. his world hasnt changed very much.

This is an excellent reason not to have any more children WITH HIM.

I'd probably have six of them if someone else was getting run ragged with them and my world didn't change apart from what I felt like doing.

IceIceBebe · 05/01/2021 14:42

I wouldn't have had any at all with a man who doesn't step up and do his part!

personally, for me one would have been a nightmare and I would rather have none that a single. I wanted my children to have siblings, playmates, a bustling noisy household. I wanted for them everything I never had. And they have most of it and we love it.
But that's me. Lot's of people choose to have one and it works for them.

AlexaShutUp · 05/01/2021 14:43

I have one, she's a teenager now. I wanted two, but miscarried her sibling and couldn't conceive again. It isn't what I planned, but actually, I really love having one, and wouldn't change things if I could go back and have things pan out in a different manner. She is very happy as an only child, she has tons of friends and we have a great relationship. There are so many advantages to having one. Yes, it means that you miss out on the sibling relationship, but that can go either way - there is no guarantee that siblings will get on.

As your dh does none of the childcare, I don't think he really gets much of a say in whether you want another one. Please don't feel pressured to do so. Your dc will be just fine.

Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 14:50

I think that's where I feel guilty, is him not having a sibling if I make that decision. however, I think having a happy mum is more beneficial.

yeah, I am very close to my brother but my mum isnt close to her sister at all and it is actually very toxic between them. it has caused all sorts of trouble. the same with my dad - he has 3 brothers and none of them are remotely close. they will say hello if they see each other in the street but do not go out of their way to meet up etc.

OP posts:
changedmynameforChristmas · 05/01/2021 14:53

I am not in your position OP. I had three children and worked. Early years were tough and I remember being very tired a lot of the time. Now I would not have it any other way as my children and their children are my world, but given what I know now, I would have stopped at one :)

Alfaix · 05/01/2021 14:56

YANBU but be prepared for it being rubbish during global pandemic lockdown. It’s fine if you can have play dates though!

Buzzer3555 · 05/01/2021 14:56

Of course it is a personal choice. I was delighted to have my son after resigning myself to being childless. Tbh i was a bit disappointed to find i was pregnant with my daughter but i adore her now. If your husband wants another child you need to have a serious discussion about him taking a more active role

Gobbycop · 05/01/2021 15:01

There's nothing wrong with having only one child, 10 children or no children.
It's yours choice and no one has any right to pass comment.

If they do, tell them to get to fuck.

MaskingForIt · 05/01/2021 15:02

My partner is not happy - said he always saw himself with 2.

Did he also see himself opting out of parenthood and leaving all the work to his partner?

he is saying I only feel like this atm because I'm tired.

What are his plans for enabling you to be less tired? Is he going to step up around the house, look after his child more, pay for a cleaner? Or is he expecting you to just get used to it, do all the housework, work full time and look after two children?

As you’re not married you really do need to keep working and building up pensions and assets in your name, otherwise you’ll be left high and dry if you break up. If he planning to financially compensate you for the loss if you have another child, or does he see you bearing that burden yourself?

sparklesloth · 05/01/2021 15:03

Considering it seems like you do most of the work, then no YANBU at all. If your DP wants another one so badly then he should be offering to help more.

However, at 14 months you could sleep train (would be hard work but worth it) and personally I've found two easier in the sense that I found it very hard entertaining one constantly. With two they entertain each other more and I don't feel like I have to do a billion activities or play non stop to keep them entertained.

WhereamI88 · 05/01/2021 15:06

Why is your DH not doing the night time wakings if you are back at work??? You have a massive DH problem. And yeah, no way would I have another child with someone who has proven himself to be lazy dad

Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 15:10

I think the fact that I do everything, do not get a break, am on my knees with tiredness is what, understandably, is behind my feelings.

I like my job too but it is taking a direct hit with motivation atm because of the constant broken sleep and lack of me time.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 15:11

he of course argues it wont always be like this and he cannot help that he works a lot.

OP posts:
PandemicPalava · 05/01/2021 15:12

I have a 10 year old dd and don't regret sticking with 1, we love it, she loves it and we work as a family of 3 and a dog. I had a painful pregnancy, dh working all hours so felt very alone, and dd didn't sleep for 18 months, I couldn't face it again. Very very happy with 1

RandomMess · 05/01/2021 15:17

I am really not all you are wanting to stick with one seeing as though you are doing all the parenting!!!

It doesn't matter why you only want one, it's a perfectly valid choice. I have 4 but wouldn't have had if my DH had been to busy working to share the load.

lambo88 · 05/01/2021 15:24

I'm with u hun...we have a little boy who is 2.5yo and we love having just the one...loads of people say to me "u can't just have 1 child" and I'm like why not...me and my husband both have full time jobs...I have 1 day a week off work to spend with our little boy and the rest he goes to a childminder...we are financially stable with a lovely house (currently sold and moving soon) enjoy meals out and being able to go on holidays etc...I love the new born phase but just can't see myself having another little one and going through all the stages again...our little boy is golden and the thought of having another child and it being a devil I can't risk 🤣I do think sometimes our little boy will miss out on having a sibling but it's not on the agenda anytime soon xx

EagleFlight · 05/01/2021 15:32

YANBU to not want another child but I agree that your partner may well decide it is important enough for him to leave the relationship. Presumably if he does so for those reasons, you will then get the break you want from your DS 50% of the time.

TeaEgg · 05/01/2021 15:33

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

One of the worst parenting choices you could make would be to have a child you don't want.
Yup. It never occurred to me to contemplate having more than one.
PinkPlantCase · 05/01/2021 15:35

@sunsetorange

he of course argues it wont always be like this and he cannot help that he works a lot.
Does he want to work a lot or does he want 2 children?

Your DH is being unreasonable and very selfish.

Would you consider a second if your parenting was more equal?

You are of course NBU to only want 1 anyway! You don’t really need a reason.

Pastnowfuture · 05/01/2021 15:50

My partner shares the job of parenting but I'm still breastfeeding through the night so I get less sleep. Even if I was getting 8hrs a night I would still only want one. I had HG in pregnancy and a traumatic birth ending with my little boy in Nicu. There are loads of other benefits too such as less juggling and lower childcare costs. From what you say being tired isn't your only reason. You can always reconsider in a few years but I certainly wouldn't plan a second while you feel the way you do.

Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 15:56

@EagleFlight Not sure if you meant it to come across that way, but your response was quite harsh. I feel like he is partly responsible for the way I feel as he doesn't do any childcare of house work. At all.

And I don't want to be away from my son 50 percent of the time but everyone has a breaking point. Trying to work full time, whilst looking after a 14 month old (tah Covid) and doing alllll the housework, on about 4/5 hours broken sleep a night is my breaking point.

It has caused an argument because he thinks I only feel this way because I am tired. It does not even occur to him that I might feel this way because I do everything.

I may well feel differently if he steps up and the child I have starts sleeping better. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason right!?

OP posts:
Disneyblue · 05/01/2021 16:25

My little girl is also 14 months old. I do most of the leg work too but I'm not resentful as she sleeps well and I only work 3 days a week.

My hubby is actually more reluctant to have another but he's open minded. We've spoken quite alot about this and to be honest the way we are and our lifestyle, I'm almost surprised we even had 1. I think we'd have been pretty happy not having any children at all.

I do see both sides, but pregnancy was tough for me. I'm not sure I'd want to put myself through it again for the sake of giving my daughter a sibling. For us she's been an amazing baby. We have everything we would ever want. We feel like the perfect family as a 3.
Yet I do still feel peer pressure to have another and I can't help but wonder if alot of people succomb to this and have more than one because its the 'done thing' when deep down you've actually no need or real desire to want another.

Having a baby is a big deal. Having two is a whole new dynamic. You have to be physically and mentally ready for it and willing to go through it all again.
Long discussion with DH needed I think!

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