To only want one child?

[sunsetorange]

hi all,

me and my partner have a lovely 14 month old child who we of course love very much. as he has got older I am becoming increasingly of the mind that I think I only want one. I think until you have a baby you dont truly realise how much hard work it is and how much of you it takes.

dont get me wrong, I absolutely adore being a mum and love my little one to pieces. but I am young still, only mid 20s and I have been the sole carer his whole life. I have never had a break as my partner works 6 days a week. I also have a full time job.

my reasons are;
I had a very anxious pregnancy due to having a loss beforehand. not sure I could cope with another pregnancy and feeling like that for 9 months.
Financially, I think we are in a great place with just one.
mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure I could stretch myself across two. Our baby has never been a good sleeper, averaging 3/4 hours in a chunk at most with no sign of improving so I have spent his whole first year being exhausted. due to job, partner never really here to help. I dont think I want to spend the rest of my 20s being permanently exhausted and crying out of sheer tiredness. I miss my own hobbies too. as pre mentioned, I never get a break. ever.

My partner is not happy - said he always saw himself with 2.

he is saying I only feel like this atm because I'm tired. those who only have one what were your reasons? do you regret only having one? equally, those who have more than one, would you recommend or did you find it easier even then a lone child?

@eagleflight A man who abandons the child he's got in order potentially to have another isn't worth keeping.

YANBU at all.

I have a 1.5 year old and don't plan to have any more for some of the same reasons as you. My daughter also doesn't sleep for longer than 4 hours and I already feel too busy with one to look after! Luckily my husband feels the same.

Your disagreement reminded me of this article about what happened in Spain when they improved paternity leave. Men spent more time looking after their children and ended up not wanting as many. Evidence in your favour I think!

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2019/may/20/paid-paternity-leave-study-spain-men-fewer-children

Yanbu OP. I'm amazed more couples don't stop at one. Thst was my plan but my 2nd was a surprise.

Sounds like your partner does buggar all compared to you so I'm sure he does want a other!

Unless he does the childcare next time he gets no say surely. The woman always has the casting vote as we're the ones who carry and give birth.

I had an easy time of it. Never felt labour pains, elective Csec, breastfeeding was easy peasy, i had loads of milk. DD pretty much slept 8pm-8am from the getgo. She's good as gold. Zero complaints from me about my parenting experience.

...i'm still not having anymore. It's just not for me. The world doesn't need more humans, I don't feel like I need any further reason.

I only have 1. Tbh i only ever pictured 1 when i thought of future children. Me and husband both work full time. I really like my job despite it being stressful etc at times. DD is 15 months and in nursery 3 days per week. The rest is balanced by my husbands shifts and inlaw help. I find i have a good work balance and we have a decent income. I love our lifestyle and being able to plan for the future. If we had another it would be alot different. We can't count on inlaw help much longer and full time nursery would be a big stretch, though doable - only just. Our house is small so would feel even more crampt so we would need to move. I also have care duties re. relative so need a room for them to stay in if at mine. Right now its snug with baby stuff everywhere but im quite minimalist and keep on top of it. I had a loss before DD, was overwhelmingly tired and had horrendous heartburn in pregnancy. I honestly did not like it at all. Feeling the kicks was lovely at first but then terrifying if slowed down etc. Birth was double shoulder distocia and i still feel shaken by it all at times. My husbands shifts mean i have 7 days of doing everything for baby - even though i do now have childcare/help but the relentlessness and exhaustion of it has been hard. I really dread doing it all with another baby. I could wait like 5 years but then the age gap is big and i would be 40 etc and even more tired, id thats even possible. I feel happy with one but guilty at times for feeling that way due to pressure to have more. So far my DH is also happy with one. If he didn't i may consider another but its a clear no for now. He pulls his weight though in the house and with baby so i think he sees how hard it is. I don't have any family close by and the ones that help occasionally are moving countries soon...so i will have even less support. My Dhs family barely speak to thier siblings as adults and mine are all far away. Sure a sibling is good if they are friends but most i know squabble like cats and dogs which would add even more stress to my life. No thanks. Ultimately, I've really wanted to kids though i love my DD with all my being. Today i realised how big she is getting and was contemplating 'what if' and i dont feel that pull. I realise this could change though. I miss HER being small but the thought of another baby is such a big unknown. Ive just come through a horrendous week of teething and a.developmental leap to where my DD would burst i to tears if i moved away or ate/drank anything. She wasnt like this with my DH, just me. It was so stressful to have a baby crying at me most of the day for several days on end (had holidays but guiltily could not wait to return for a break from being cried at). Shes come through it now but all i could think of was if i had another kid i wouldve probably lost it. This prob makes me sound like a crap/lazy mum but im not. Everything i do now is for my daughter. I'm happy with this so don't feel i should have another to satisfy other peoples demand that i should. Maybe i will change my mind, but when i think of the future in my head its just with my daughter (and DH :) )

Your baby is still young and if your tired it’s understandable having another is not the top of your priority right now.

Could you go part time at a later stage if you did want to try for another OP?

Yanbu, yanbu, yanbu, yanbu, yanbu. GREAT choice to stick with one OP.

that should read ultimately I only ever wanted 1 kid though

YANBU to only want one child.

Nobody should be judged on wanting to limit the number of children they have or if they choose not to have them at all. It's such a huge life decision.

However, your DP needs to pull his finger out. You both work full time, he has absolutely no excuse not to pull his weight. Even if you didn't work at all, he should be making some effort to raise the child he helped create!

I applaud you op. So many times on here you read threads from women moaning their partner doesn't pull their weight, never has but she's pregnant with number 2.

Absolutely valid choice. Your partner may not be happy but he's not doing all the parenting and won't be dealing with pregnancy/childbirth etc so he can zip it. Don't allow him to pressure you.

As for me. I have two, had them very close together (15 months apart) and it was AWFUL for the first year. Just awful. I really struggled and I often wished I'd stopped at one as I was a much better mum with one. Although I found one hard, I found two completely overwhelming and I became an asshole who shouted far too much and wanted to die with sleep deprivation. It was a very miserable time. BUT my second child is such a beautiful child, much more easygoing and full of love and affection and my favourite part of parenting (often the only part I like) is watching them interact nicely together. Granted there was very little of that when I had a 1.5 and 2.5yo screaming and fighting over toys all day every day for months and months and months. However, they are now three and four and basically entertain each other while I do my own thing and I'm so glad now I have two and could burst some days looking at their cute little heads side by side on the sofa or playing some daft game they'e made up.

So basically if you had asked me a year ago I would have said absolutely don't do it but I wouldn't say that now. Either way you're only in your twenties and have plenty of time so in your shoes I'd give it a few years and see how you feel. Enjoy your DS as an only for now, get your sleep and sanity back and see how you feel in time. There's no rush.

I only have one DS almost 2 and have no desire for another.
I feel like we can give him the life I want to give him and that wouldn’t be the case with 2 or more.
And my DH does just as much as me re childcare, it’s 50/50. We’re both tired! But we’re also ancient 🤣

I have only one child by choice. I originally wanted 2 but after 2 years TTC and a devastating loss the one we did have felt like a miracle. Then she had reflux and was a terrible sleeper. At 18 months we tried for number 2 and after 3 months we both concluded our hearts weren’t in it! We were exhausted. I was enjoying being back at work. Eventually we stopped trying and said we’d stick with one.

My marriage ended 2 years ago when DD was 7. We co-parent effectively. I spent this evening looking at birthday presents online as DD will soon be 10!

She is happy, sociable, funny, sometimes grumpy and my absolute delight. I’m so pleased I stopped at one. We spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew (similar ages to DD) and my daughter will say how much she enjoys seeing them but also being able to leave when they get too much. She never wanted siblings. We have a dog instead!

YANBU to want one child. It’s unfair of your partner to be putting pressure on you when your child is only 14 months! I have 2 children, but was definitely nowhere near ready to contemplate a second child when my first was 14 months.
It is possible that you might feel differently when your child is 2 or 3, but you might not. 14 months is a difficult age, plus everything is harder in a pandemic because you probably haven’t had the same amount of support as you would have in normal times. And you’re so young that you could easily wait 5 years or more and still have plenty of time to have a second child.
I would ask your partner to leave you alone and enjoy your 14 month old for now without the pressure of thinking about a possible second.