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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want one child?

64 replies

sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 14:27

hi all,

me and my partner have a lovely 14 month old child who we of course love very much. as he has got older I am becoming increasingly of the mind that I think I only want one. I think until you have a baby you dont truly realise how much hard work it is and how much of you it takes.

dont get me wrong, I absolutely adore being a mum and love my little one to pieces. but I am young still, only mid 20s and I have been the sole carer his whole life. I have never had a break as my partner works 6 days a week. I also have a full time job.

my reasons are;
I had a very anxious pregnancy due to having a loss beforehand. not sure I could cope with another pregnancy and feeling like that for 9 months.
Financially, I think we are in a great place with just one.
mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure I could stretch myself across two. Our baby has never been a good sleeper, averaging 3/4 hours in a chunk at most with no sign of improving so I have spent his whole first year being exhausted. due to job, partner never really here to help. I dont think I want to spend the rest of my 20s being permanently exhausted and crying out of sheer tiredness. I miss my own hobbies too. as pre mentioned, I never get a break. ever.

My partner is not happy - said he always saw himself with 2.

he is saying I only feel like this atm because I'm tired. those who only have one what were your reasons? do you regret only having one? equally, those who have more than one, would you recommend or did you find it easier even then a lone child?

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 05/01/2021 16:26

@sunsetorange

he of course argues it wont always be like this and he cannot help that he works a lot.
It might not always be like his if he steps up and does his share. In your twenties you have plenty of time. Nothing wrong with a 5 year gap between children, if that is what it takes for him to pull his socks up and for you to feel less tired.

If he can’t help that he works a lot, you can’t help that you feel on your knees with tiredness. You’re right, sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

Alicesweewonders · 05/01/2021 16:28

Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel? In that you've taken on the whole burden of raising your child whilst he opts out?

Why is he not doing night wakenings if you're also working?

Oh course he would love another one, he hasn't had to actually put in any of the hard work.
You need to talk to him about this being the reason why. Get him to take on more responsibility & some night wakenings - then see how he feels.

RandomMess · 05/01/2021 16:37

I had a friend with a 10 year gap precisely because her H was a workaholic. He begged and pleaded for another promised he would commit to more family time etc etc.

He did no more with the 2nd, never changed his work or hobbies to be more involved with either of the DC.

The ended up divorced.

WednesdayAllTheWay · 05/01/2021 16:42

Not sure why anyone would accept this situation.
One DC here, equal parents and neither of us want more as it's such bloody hard work even with only doing 50 percent of it.

Justcashnosweets · 05/01/2021 16:51

I have one child, Dd7, and she is enough. I wanted another but I had a miscarriage when she was 3 and havn't been able to conceive again. Its has taken me a very long time to come to terms with this, but I am finally ok with one child. I look at families with 3 and 4 children and I really don't think I could handle the chaos! Dd isn't spoiled, or demanding, she is pretty much always happy.

queenofthecoffee · 05/01/2021 17:01

I was you when my son was that small!! He hated sleeping at night, wanted me every 90 minutes...and I loved being a mum but I honestly couldnt see how I could possibly look after another - and even how I would love another child as much as the first...I also hated being pregnant (was sick all the way through) and didn't want to do that to myself again...

Fastforward 2 years and I felt like I could do it again!! Once the eldest was toilet trained, ate by himself and slept properly!! Got a 3.5 year age gap, and my daughter has been a revelation - slept well, loves food! It's been so much easier the second time (i think mostly due to sleep) but also because I was waaaaay less anxious.

Lockdown with a 1 year old and 5 year old was tricky but they have genuinely got such a lovely relationship and play together reallly well.

You've got time, no need to make a decision right now. :)

dalecooper · 05/01/2021 17:04

I have one child. She is approaching her teens now. When I had her I was married and then separated within the year after she was born. So that had a lot to do with it. I always thought I would have more children.
She was an awful sleeper for a long time and unless you have experienced that first hand then you cannot appreciate how exhausting it is. It was not until she was about 6 years old that we were having decent nights sleep (and by we I really mean me, because she was fine and could sleep longer if she wanted etc). Even now, although she sleeps during the night fine, she is terrible at getting to sleep. Sleep has always had some issue or another.
So really, with so much interrupted sleep, I am glad that I did not have another child to deal with. I have also realised that we have a bond that not all mothers appear to have with their multiple children. For a long time it was just me and her and we share everything and talk about everything and she has my undivided attention whenever she wants and needs it. That is not the case for the majority of children. She often says how glad she now is that I did not have other children. Her father has gone on to have another child, so she has a half sibling and enjoys that when she is there, but then she gets to come home to her own house and be the top dog.
It works well and it means that she gets all the money spent on her too. I do feel that you have to divide yourself if you have multiple children as you are never going to have the time to spend with each of them individually doing and talking about everything that they would like to.
My daughter is a big talker, very sociable and outgoing and has lots of friends and has always made friends easily from a young age and been confident with adults too as she was primarily around adults from the ages of birth to 4 years old. She is thriving and is and has always been top of her class. I am not saying this is always the case, rather that she has not missed out and in retrospect I have not missed out either. At times I wonder what it would have been like to have had more children but I really dislike the way people think you just should have two or more. Who exactly is it benefiting? It seems more that people need to fit into a social norm.

Don't do anything you do not want to do as that is a sure fire way to breed resentment. Your partner clearly does not understand how exhausted you are. Maybe you will change your mind after a few years. Maybe you won't. Whatever you do, having one child is absolutely fine and your bond will be tight. Don't bend to pressure.

AriesTheRam · 05/01/2021 17:06

We've got 1,ds 6.Best decision for us to have an only.

Original poster
sunsetorange · 05/01/2021 17:13

yeah it definitely doesnt help that people always say "you will have another soon wont you" and "when's the next one coming then" and I'm like...eh I dont know if it is and they look really surprised!

next time it is brought up I will say to my partner that he doesnt do enough atm for me to see it as a favourable option that will enhance mine or our current childs life (as horrid as that sounds). and the fact that we are still young and have plenty of time. he is only 27 himself so no major panic just yet.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 05/01/2021 17:16

You don’t have to have another one to please anyone. You do on the other hand need to make your DP deal with the night wakings. That might just sort everything out - your DC will have less incentive to seek attention at night, your DP will stop lobbying for a second child, and you’ll get some sleep.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/01/2021 17:20

I have a 3yr old and an 8 wk old- no way in hell would I have contemplated a second whilst my eldest was under 2years old. 1-2 yrs old is pure torture.

I will say though that whilst the early years are hard it’s easier as they get older if your child has a sibling to play with, to eat with etc so it isn’t all on you

squeekums · 05/01/2021 17:20

We have a 10yr old dd
My partner wanted a second but no way was I willing to go through pregnancy, newborn, toddler stages again. The whole thought leaves me cold. It wouldn't matter if help at night was promised or more time for me, I just don't want a 2nd, wouldn't have coped and know I'm a happier mum of one who is now coping and actually thriving

He may not like it but it's ultimately your choice. Your body, your risk or not to take.

Dp finally, like last couple weeks, has realised dd is enough and doing it all again is a bad idea. He now thinking the snip much to my delight. So they also can swing the other way in years to come lol

toconclude · 05/01/2021 17:22

@IceIceBebe

I wouldn't have had any at all with a man who doesn't step up and do his part!

personally, for me one would have been a nightmare and I would rather have none that a single. I wanted my children to have siblings, playmates, a bustling noisy household. I wanted for them everything I never had. And they have most of it and we love it.
But that's me. Lot's of people choose to have one and it works for them.

There's no guarantee that a sibling will be a playmate. DS2s additional needs has meant it's more like two only children.
squeekums · 05/01/2021 17:23

I will say though that whilst the early years are hard it’s easier as they get older if your child has a sibling to play with, to eat with etc so it isn’t all on you

Me and my brother never got along, were always niggly and arguing as kids. We estranged have spoken twice in 15 plus years
Dp has 2 brothers, only speaks too one, they also never got along as kids

There no guarantee siblings will get along at all, in childhood or adulthood

squeekums · 05/01/2021 17:27

yeah it definitely doesnt help that people always say "you will have another soon wont you" and "when's the next one coming then" and I'm like...eh I dont know if it is and they look really surprised!

Sadly I got asked for a good 8 years when I would have a 2nd, people swore I'd change my mind. Friends, family, strangers, everyone.
MIL asked about number 2 the day dd was born. I could have lost it

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/01/2021 17:27

There no guarantee siblings will get along at all, in childhood or adulthood so bizarre to me- look me and my sister could fight, my nephew & niece are like chalk and cheese but we/they still had/have someone to hang with at times.

squeekums · 05/01/2021 17:35

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

There no guarantee siblings will get along at all, in childhood or adulthood so bizarre to me- look me and my sister could fight, my nephew & niece are like chalk and cheese but we/they still had/have someone to hang with at times.
Dd has cousins, loves hanging with them but if they were brothers, my god, the fights between her and youngest would be epic....

But seriously though, some personalities don't mix well and even being family isn't enough.
For me, there was parental loss in my mother, abuse from my father and my brother being the golden child, me as my father said from "the reject shop"
For dp his oldest brother is so untrustworthy, has stolen his whole life from everyone Inc family, seedy with women as an adult But dp reckons no better as a teen

PurpleMustang · 05/01/2021 17:36

Him working 6 days is great and all but what does he do on the 7th? He can't have a huge say in about another if he isn't going to pitch in at all and help in any way to make your life easier. Its all well and good saying it will get easier when his life hasn't changed. How about he takes a week off and swop roles hahaha see how much he wants another then after a week of broken sleep, working and housework

BasiliskStare · 05/01/2021 17:39

@sunsetorange - i have one - 2nd child never happened. Now he is older I have asked him if he would have liked siblings - & he says - well if I got on with them - but he has friends who don't get on with their siblings - some do but it isn't always Swallows and Amzons or Enid B;yton etc.

There are advantages tinhaving one child ( DH & DS & I get on so well in a tiny group ) and there are advantages of a larger family. All I would say is make sure a decision between you and your DH - not just his.

There is nothing wrong with having only one child. Indeed I would say - that sometimes it makes them rather more outgoing and friendly because they have to go and make friends. ( Not always & not to say children with siblings are not outgoing and friendly. )

Fandantastic · 05/01/2021 17:41

Pros and cons to both having a single and having more.

One may need more attention when home whilst younger, but I have many friends who were ‘only’ children and who don’t remember being lonely, instead they loved their parents attention.

And personally I find parenting more harder as I feel like a bloody referee 99% of the time. And like they all want my attention to themselves.

Ultimately, if you’re getting no help from your ‘partner’ - so it’s more likely to impact you mentally, and career wise. There’s no way I’d of had more without someone who could step up and help, night wakings and all.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/01/2021 17:49

YANB remotely U.
Firstly have one kid if you want to. I've never understood why people feel the urge to keep going on and on.
More materially, your partner is being a complete arse if he is not prepared to step up and help yet he expects you to generate more kids for him.
I would definitely not have any more kids with him.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/01/2021 17:58

Just to add, whilst I’m in the thick of newborn stage I will say I am finding sleep deprivation a lot easier this time/ less of a shock to my system.

I Would definitely tackle your eldests sleep and the lack of help from your partner before considering a second though!

Winterwoollies · 05/01/2021 19:41

@EagleFlight

YANBU to not want another child but I agree that your partner may well decide it is important enough for him to leave the relationship. Presumably if he does so for those reasons, you will then get the break you want from your DS 50% of the time.
This comment seems either judgemental or ill-intended, I can’t tell which.
dalecooper · 05/01/2021 20:36

The comment by EagleFlight is quite shocking. To me it seems judgemental and also seems as though he/she is trying to be cruel but I cannot fathom why one would feel the need to be either on this thread.

ThornAmongstRoses · 05/01/2021 20:41

I’ve had a wonderful experience with having two children but that’s because I have a wonderful husband who is a great father and does more than his fair share of children and house related tasks (for want of a better word).

In your situation I would not be having a second child with a man like your partner. It wouldn’t be worth the stress and resentment it would cause.

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