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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just do my sons online work myself?

77 replies

Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:24

He’s year 8
Last time I spent 5 hours a day trying to get blood out of a stone
We argued every single lesson. We cried every single lesson. He’s smart but He can’t do anything by himself
dyslexia confirmed, definite adhd but not confirmed so no EHCP
I can’t fight this battle again
Last time it actually came to blows and he’s bigger now

OP posts:
Marzipan12 · 04/01/2021 21:27

His teachers won't be able to assess his needs if you are completing his work.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:29

It’s 5 weeks
In the grand scheme of his entire education
He’s already had his exams for this year

OP posts:
peanutbutterandbananas · 04/01/2021 21:30

I'm sorry to hear this but you're not alone! Can you get in touch with the SENCo and form teacher and reduce his workload? Provision and support should be in place, ask what they can do for him. You have my sympathy, it's a nightmare but a common situation. If you can, take each day at a time and this will all end... eventually... I hope his school can help.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:31

The problem would be the message that it’s giving him

OP posts:
WhatAKerfuffley · 04/01/2021 21:31

Sending virtual flowers to you, OP. As a secondary school teacher (specialising in SEND), I really feel for both you and your son. It has been so so so hard for all children, especially for those with additional needs.

Don't put so much pressure on your son, or on yourself, to complete everything to the deadlines. The teachers will be aware of the struggle you both will face and will not expect miracles!

Is there a subject your son really likes, or is particularly good at? I'd encourage you to spend more time on that subject. He's Y8 so there is plenty of time for him to get to grips with core subject material when the time is right.

Feathersinthehead · 04/01/2021 21:31

Do you feel that the teachers aren’t matching the work to his needs?
I’d email the SENCO, his tutor and the HOY to point out the problem and ask them what they suggest.
If you do the work, you’re giving a false picture. Let them know what you’re both going through.

LagneyandCasey · 04/01/2021 21:35

Don't do his work and don't force him. Contact the school to let them know what's happening.

English and Maths are obviously top priority but failing those, what lessons does he hate the least? Concentrate on those.

Do some reading together and watch educational TV. We watched a lot of David Attenborough and Brian Cox shows last lockdown.

There are ways of learning that don't need to be a battleground.

converseandjeans · 04/01/2021 21:38

I would message school & explain. If he's struggling they may say he can go in a day or two a week?

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:39

Peanut, I tried that last time.
I told hoy and his form tutor that he would complete the work just not to their timetable- i have elderly relatives to care for and he cannot do anything without me. He still got late work marks and snotty emails. Even when I emailed the individual teachers they didn’t get it.
This year his dyslexia has been communicated to the teachers, but I was still getting ‘bad’ points for ridiculous things, do they don’t get it.
I literally have to spend all day with him at the lessons, then homework, then research, because he hasn’t listened and I haven’t studied the reformation for 40 years or whatever.
I’m not a teacher, although honestly I’m doing a blinding job of it.
And he can’t focus, doesn’t listen, doesn’t still still.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 04/01/2021 21:42

How does he cope with lessons when he is at school? Obviously he's not getting one to one support there.

MyChemicalMummy · 04/01/2021 21:44

I feel your pain mine is also year 8 and ADHD, its getting him started that is the problem for us , or if he doesn't quite understand what he needs to do he will give up instead of messaging a teacher.

Also just a heads up having ADHD doesn't always get you an EHCP.

DrManhattan · 04/01/2021 21:46

Does having an EHCP mean he can go into school rather than home schooling?

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:51

He’s not really coping bazookas
The move to senior school highlighted serious issues and we’ve been trying to deal with them since then. He was very high achieving so never any problems in school until then.
But he’s now underachieving, although still doing ok, but desperately unhappy, hates school, really struggles with peer pressure, some bullying issues last term. The support is a couple of extra lessons, maths/comp/ which I’m not sure is working . It was a bit early to tell, only been in place for a couple of months

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:52

I think so Manhattan, but he doesn’t have it. Just a ‘let’s see if this works’ plan.
I

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:54

I would be happy to do some general maths/English with him, but there’s a very specific timetable to be followed and if he skips anything, catch up is like swimming against the tide

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 04/01/2021 21:56

Feel your pain, its a proper nightmare. I don't know what to suggest. I hope this is all over ASAP as the impact on our young people is terrible. Take care x

cabbageking · 04/01/2021 21:57

Speak to school about the problem and if they will accept him as a vulnerable child. There is wiggle room and if others do not want their offered place ensure he is on the list for consideration.

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/01/2021 21:58

I've done this before if it suits me. Do it. Desperate times.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/01/2021 21:59

@Bluebaubles

He’s not really coping bazookas The move to senior school highlighted serious issues and we’ve been trying to deal with them since then. He was very high achieving so never any problems in school until then. But he’s now underachieving, although still doing ok, but desperately unhappy, hates school, really struggles with peer pressure, some bullying issues last term. The support is a couple of extra lessons, maths/comp/ which I’m not sure is working . It was a bit early to tell, only been in place for a couple of months
Completing the work for him would suggest that his issues are completely solved by home learning. Not doing it, though, substantiates it.

As he falls under the remit of the SENCO, it's possible that he could be deemed vulnerable and therefore able to have a place at school where the quieter atmosphere might be good for him? Try contacting them by email and asking - include the SENCO, Pastoral/His Head of Year in the email.

Starry4120 · 04/01/2021 22:00

Feeling the same op, it’s so hard. My son has an EHCP but not deemed vulnerable. You have my full sympathy.

Littlebluebird123 · 04/01/2021 22:00

I'm sorry to hear that.
I would not be getting in a constant battle with him.
To be honest, they can't forced him to show them work so ignore the emails.
One thing which seems to help the ADHD children I work with is regular exercise. Can you break his sessions with physical activities? It doesn't need to be an actual exercise class if you don't have space but even a kick about for ten minutes, some push-ups etc in the living room should help. It gets some of the energy out so they are more able to focus.
As for the dyslexia, most online programs can do text to speech so it can be read to him and vice versa. If you have a computer with microphone then that could help.
Definitely email again though. It may seem like a brick wall, but it leaves a paper trail which can be helpful in the future.

TramaDollface · 04/01/2021 22:01

I don’t think it will be five weeks really to be honest

My has Asperger and adhd and I had such a bad time last time

This is what helped me:
Exercise before any work
Bargaining
Bought him Lego after each successful
Week, I realise this might not help it if he’s got a passion it may help

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:04

Mooncup, in his Summer report all his teachers commented that his work in lockdown was of a better standard. Because he basically had one on one teaching from me, my blood sweat and tears. I had to let them know that I was sat beside for every minute of those lessons, it wasn’t him being able to concentrate at home

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/01/2021 22:05

I have a similar son
I also did some work for him
My Friend did such an amazing project for her son he got a headmasters award Grin
You can’t spend 5 hours a day this time around
You’ll collapse
I 100000% emphasise

EveningOverRooftops · 04/01/2021 22:05

@Bluebaubles

Peanut, I tried that last time. I told hoy and his form tutor that he would complete the work just not to their timetable- i have elderly relatives to care for and he cannot do anything without me. He still got late work marks and snotty emails. Even when I emailed the individual teachers they didn’t get it. This year his dyslexia has been communicated to the teachers, but I was still getting ‘bad’ points for ridiculous things, do they don’t get it. I literally have to spend all day with him at the lessons, then homework, then research, because he hasn’t listened and I haven’t studied the reformation for 40 years or whatever. I’m not a teacher, although honestly I’m doing a blinding job of it. And he can’t focus, doesn’t listen, doesn’t still still.
Mine is like this. Cannot retain information. DC finds short bullet point lists helpful.

Eg

  • research X
-write X no of lines about X -draw diagram of X -label diagram

DC also finds videos that can be rewatched helpful so live lessons are useless and cannot be recorded.

Last lockdown we gave up. Also suspect ADD alongside anxiety but fighting against another diagnosis that doesn’t describe all needs and of course integral parts (psychotherapy) are on hold because of covid.

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