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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just do my sons online work myself?

77 replies

Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:24

He’s year 8
Last time I spent 5 hours a day trying to get blood out of a stone
We argued every single lesson. We cried every single lesson. He’s smart but He can’t do anything by himself
dyslexia confirmed, definite adhd but not confirmed so no EHCP
I can’t fight this battle again
Last time it actually came to blows and he’s bigger now

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 05/01/2021 00:33

No don't do his work if you can't make him do it leave it so teachers are aware of what he has and hasn't done. He will learn nothing from you doing it also it might go on longer than 5/6 weeks.

NiceandCalm · 05/01/2021 00:35

I posted a similar thread OP. My DS is Yr7 and has ASD. How on earth are they expected to do a full days schooling, at home?!
Last lockdown (Junior School) I left him to do work set in packs the school sent. He wouldn't do them. I ended up being his TA and limited it to 2 hrs a day. I emailed the school and let them know what I was doing and they were understanding.
TBH, I don't think the schools have a leg to stand on if the kids aren't completing all the work. Communicate with them. Tell them of your struggles. You won't be the only one.
What worked for me during our 2 hrs was acting like I imagined a teacher would do - I wasn't Mum. I took no nonsense, I didn't engage in small talk. Yes I got angry and he got upset but after a couple of days we both relaxed and got into the swing of it and I had to admit, I found it rewarding in the end. We googled a lot of stuff, we had fits of giggles over our French pronunciations, we did Art together and rated each others work, we both struggled with Maths, which actually helped him in a bizarre way, English, no problem, his strong point. Loads of praise, even for the smallest effort. But absolutely do not do the work for him.

AmyandPhilipfan · 05/01/2021 00:40

I sympathise as I have two boys who struggle to self motivate and really need a teacher on their back all the time. Plus the older one is also dyslexic with minor learning difficulties. In March they were in separate Key Stages and it soon became clear it was not going to work unless I was doing the same work with them at the same time. So we ignored the online stuff set for the oldest and I did stuff with them appropriate for their abilities. I did speak to the HOY and Senco who both agreed that was fine but I did get a couple of messages from one teacher who I think was assuming we weren’t doing anything. The messages stopped once I’d emailed her every piece of work (a lot) that we’d done on her subject. They actually worked really hard.

This time will be a bit different and I’m dreading it. They are both now at secondary and instead of online tasks being set they now have to have Zoom lessons all day. So they’ll watch the lesson then the teacher will set the work and they’ll have to complete that before the next lesson starts. But they’ll be listening to the lessons with headphones on so I won’t be able to hear it so inevitably there will be lots of ‘I don’t know what to do!’ and I won’t know what they’ll have to do as I won’t have heard the lesson!

What worked for us last time is me getting super strict and presenting it in a ‘this is what is going to happen and this is what happens if it doesn’t’ way. I had a set timetable and they knew if they didn’t do the work the day would last longer and they wouldn’t get on their Switches or whatever. I don’t want to be patronising because obviously what works for my kids might not work for yours but if they were point blank refusing to work I’d give them a time of when they had to start the work from and if it wasn’t started that would be their Switch taken off them. I’d give them another 10 minutes or so to think about it then that would be TV banned etc. Eventually if all else failed I would threaten to phone their school and ask HOY or whoever they might listen to to speak to them and then also ask school if there was any way for them to come back in as they were not willing to work at home.

If it was causing total stress for me I would let them miss the work but I’d let them know that I wasn’t doing it for them and that they wouldn’t be doing anything fun during the school day because I would be turning the TV off and taking away any devices. Basically try to bore them into cooperation! Good luck with it all, it is definitely not an easy situation for kids who don’t find schoolwork easy and enjoyable, or the parents who have to deal with them!

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 05/01/2021 00:46

I leave mine to it he starts mid morning finishes when he finishes. Does it at his own pace. Not much choice I'm at work everyday i was really worried as he has ASD but he enjoys home learning. I know if I was sat at the desk with him trying to help he would get fustrated and it would just be awful.

HappyNewYear2021 · 05/01/2021 01:01

What if you get stuck on some of it and he gets a lower mark than usual!
Seriously though - no don't do his work for him
Explain to the teacher your struggles.

Nettleskeins · 05/01/2021 01:03

When ds was in year 8 I started to homeschool him. He had ASD dyslexia and ADHD, the two last undiagnosed but obv comorbid with the ASD.
Honestly, I used that year to reset his ability to concentrate and learn. He did a maximum of.two hours a day, most.was reading aloud, copying poems and classic lit out (we read Moby.Dick illustrated version Walker books) Shakespeare play.scenes. History by theme from a workbook. Spelling. Science exp. No homework just those two hours. Then watched series like Red Dwarf, Downton, Mr Selfridge, went to park a lot on long walks.
Just pretend he is sick, sign him off and.do your own thing.
Ds is really.academic now. He got brilliant gcses and a levels, though still dyslexic and inattentive adhd. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF and he will motivate himself. Intervene, teach, co opt, yes, but reduce the time doing formal learning at this stage, and he will blossom later. Ds went back to formal school routine end of.year.9.

Nettleskeins · 05/01/2021 01:10

We were just looking through all his gcse work today as I was trying to throw it away, and he was admiring.all the annotations on his Gcse Eng Lit poetry handout, appalling handwriting and spelling still, (he was scribed for exams).but incredible memory and.analysis...and reams of scrawly flashcards for history entirely self directed. You wouldnt.believe it was the.same child that I took out of school at end of year.7. He went back in May of Year.9, new.school.

Nettleskeins · 05/01/2021 01:12

Sorry, typing on phone...

Nettleskeins · 05/01/2021 01:17

Also I found.ds had a habit.of.appearing not to listen and fidget when he was taking things in, but he needed quite concrete ways of showing his knowledge. Columns mindmaps, gaps in sentences, decorated patagraphs, ilustrations, suited him better than a piece of sustained writing. Reciting worked better than reading in his head too.

screamingchild · 05/01/2021 01:24

Increase exercise

upthekyber · 05/01/2021 01:29

Why are you doing this to both of you? Email the school, ask to speak to the senco (this is not just for children who are diagnosed but all children with educational needs) and give you both a break. My son missed the whole of year 8 and he caught up
When things were better. Insist the school help and utter the words he is vulnerable every chance you get as he is, as he can't do his work. Don't be embarrassed tell them how you are feeling. Good luck

CrotchBurn · 05/01/2021 02:57

I cannot persuade him that this is a better option than arguing and crying with me all day. He won’t have it. Just wandering around alone all day. He says the only good thing about school is his friends, he absolutely hates it. He’s delighted they don’t have to go in
I would just have to give it to him as a fair accompli, no arguments

What?! Why is he deciding this? YOU are the parent here.

Sinful8 · 05/01/2021 04:04

@Bluebaubles

Peanut, I tried that last time. I told hoy and his form tutor that he would complete the work just not to their timetable- i have elderly relatives to care for and he cannot do anything without me. He still got late work marks and snotty emails. Even when I emailed the individual teachers they didn’t get it. This year his dyslexia has been communicated to the teachers, but I was still getting ‘bad’ points for ridiculous things, do they don’t get it. I literally have to spend all day with him at the lessons, then homework, then research, because he hasn’t listened and I haven’t studied the reformation for 40 years or whatever. I’m not a teacher, although honestly I’m doing a blinding job of it. And he can’t focus, doesn’t listen, doesn’t still still.
Don't know if this will help but I had similar problems when younger.

My mum used to read me the questions etc and I'd dictate the answers back and shed type them.

It helped a lot with the anxiety of a blank page that quite a few with dyslexia have

Newdonewhugh · 05/01/2021 04:27

I didn’t do a jot of school work last year in lockdown- not one minute.
If he’s clever I think you need to relax and not do it, he’ll catch up.
I never bothered logging on, I just lied and told the teachers we were doing our own thing.

caringcarer · 05/01/2021 04:46

There are some great Science experiments on YouTube. He can watch them and you can chat about the science. He is still learning but don't make him write everything down. Also try getting him to watch a history program then bullet point 5 or 6 things he has learned. I use the term fact file and my foster son with additional needs can do this albeit badly spelt. Font focus on spelling just getting his ideas down.

JobRetentionScheme · 05/01/2021 09:03

I read this post and thought I’d written it without knowing.

Identical issues here with DS year 8.

I need to make this lockdown learning fun and worthwhile, as the last lockdown was seriously dire for both of us !

In previous lockdowns, school was totally inflexible and handed out lots of bad marks for late work etc despite emails telling them of enormous meltdowns etc. DS is on the SEN register.

I taking notes from all suggestions.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 05/01/2021 13:43

Thank you all for your support
The last year has been a bit of a nightmare with his schooling and I have had to rethink everything.
I finally felt like we could be on an even keel and now it’s back to homeschooling.
They’re not back til next week.

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 05/01/2021 13:47

I would pick a subject (two if you can) a day and do that. My own dc very similar.
His school happy with us doing less, I'm sorry yours aren't but ultimately you need your son to learn some stuff without putting him off education for life.

Wheresmykimchi · 05/01/2021 13:47

Don't do his work for him that would be ridiculous.
Do what you did before. Ignore snotty emails. it's their job to adapt to his needs.

Thatwentbadly · 05/01/2021 13:49

I would concentrate on getting his ADHD confirmed and treated with medication.

How is his reading? The Toe by toe reading program is really good.

SoVeryLost · 05/01/2021 13:54

Does he have a games console? What happens if you say he can’t play it?

greenlynx · 05/01/2021 14:11

I get you. My DD has additional needs and at school she has full time TA with her (EHCP) . It was nightmare during the first lockdown as she needed me to differentiate ALL materials for her and then sit with her and help her. I’m SAHM (for this reason mainly) so it was my only job but even so it’s exhausting and there were lots of arguments.
It’s a bit easier this time, I’m a bit more relaxed and managed to get some advice from individual teachers.
Your DS needs differentiations of materials do you could focus on key concepts with him. I would email school and ask for a chat with SENCo or pastoral team or his head of the year, maybe a joint meeting. It depends very much on individuals unfortunately and how pushy you are. Materials have to be differentiated for my DD as it’s in her EHCP but in reality they are not.
I wouldn’t do his school work because you need evidence that he’s struggling otherwise his school will just tick boxes and you’ll be left with it again and again. I also would explain it to him that some times you need to show that you need help to get one. There are a lot of students who are struggling or were struggling at some point in his school, I’m sure, but of course he doesn’t know about this.

anothermansmother · 05/01/2021 14:19

Ask for him to go into school. One of the reasons pupils are allowed in is if they can't complete work at home. We had several students like this last time and will probably have more tomorrow. Staff in school will have the time to sit with him. Don't fight with him over it.

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 05/01/2021 14:26

I wouldn't promise staff have the time to sit with him, it will very much depend on how many children are in and how many staff are Rota'd in as well. And the staff member may not know any more about that subject than he does Smile

Wheresmykimchi · 05/01/2021 14:29

@anothermansmother

Ask for him to go into school. One of the reasons pupils are allowed in is if they can't complete work at home. We had several students like this last time and will probably have more tomorrow. Staff in school will have the time to sit with him. Don't fight with him over it.
It doesn't work like that in the majority of schools. Supervision on rota not 1-1.