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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just do my sons online work myself?

77 replies

Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 21:24

He’s year 8
Last time I spent 5 hours a day trying to get blood out of a stone
We argued every single lesson. We cried every single lesson. He’s smart but He can’t do anything by himself
dyslexia confirmed, definite adhd but not confirmed so no EHCP
I can’t fight this battle again
Last time it actually came to blows and he’s bigger now

OP posts:
BBCONEANDTWO · 04/01/2021 22:08

My sister was in exactly same position - she phoned the school every week (she is actually single parent AND a key worker but could WFH) she was even crying to the head teacher and in the end she just couldn't make him do any school work. But after a few weeks the school gave in and let him go it made a huge difference.

If I were you I would not battle with him and just do what ever you can. Are there any kind of David Attenbourgh videos he could watch - interesting and shows him nature - or travel programmes. I feel for you so much.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/01/2021 22:08

Same age
I like the ideas to watch educational
TV and push exercise
It’s so hard
I work FT and an a single parent to don’t exactly have hours to spare

SadSadSad

If you want to PM me during this please do
I’m the only person in my circle
With this problem

Hankunamatata · 04/01/2021 22:12

Is he taking adhd medication?

BBCONEANDTWO · 04/01/2021 22:13

It's a bloody shame that some of you don't live close to one another and could take turns - if there was say 3 of you and the kids got along you could organise your own little classes for them. OMG I'm so upset for you all.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:16

I want to cry now
I cannot explain how awful it is
If I wrote bullet points for him, he’d fight me to even sit on a chair and read them. There’s so much defiance.
I get ultra organised and sort his timetable and books and pens but nothing works.
He basically lolls all over the couch or paces or throws a ball, while I try and get the information to sink in. I start off really patient and calm( I’m naturally quite chilled) and then end up like a sobbing mess because he won’t even listen and then I hate myself because I know he has issues but if he just co-operated for 10 minutes out of the hour, we could get something done.
I can’t do it, I just can’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:20

No medication
We’re on a list for the adhd assessment at the hospital, even though every one of his teachers since age 7 has confirmed it.
I actually think he has very complex issues, but I’m in this limbo land where no-one can confirm or help.

OP posts:
Crapbuttrue · 04/01/2021 22:21

@Bluebaubles I feel your pain. DS year younger and we muddled through last year. Actually recorded me trying to teach him as I thought no-one would believe how crazy it was. Phone the school tomorrow. See if you can get him in.

cansu · 04/01/2021 22:24

BlueBaubles
I would choose two lessons a day to complete with him. I would let the school know what you are doing. Why not focus on English and one other subject of his choice? You would at least be giving him a clear message that some school work is expected whilst reducing the demands. Doing all his school work is I hope a joke!

cansu · 04/01/2021 22:25

I also second the idea of getting him a key worker place if you can.

Phineyj · 04/01/2021 22:27

I am so sorry. We had exactly this last lockdown. It is awful. I would ask if he can go in and if not, don't make him do anything. And certainly don't do it yourself! Who does that help? If you stop forcing him he may surprise you and do a bit. Look up PDA strategies too.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:29

I would be happy for him to go in.
He would be the only one in the class , with the teacher doing the lesson online for the rest off the class.
I cannot persuade him that this is a better option than arguing and crying with me all day. He won’t have it. Just wandering around alone all day. He says the only good thing about school is his friends, he absolutely hates it. He’s delighted they don’t have to go in
I would just have to give it to him as a fair accompli, no arguments

OP posts:
Frozenintime · 04/01/2021 22:30

If you contact school and explain you will probably be able to send him in. My son has ADHD and cannot learn at home. He won't let me help him and the minute I turn my back he is out of his chair

Hankunamatata · 04/01/2021 22:30

U could look at private adhd assessment. I went through nhs with 2 dc and went private with the last. He was diagnosed and medicated in a month.

Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:39

Hankuna -I did that, I paid for the Ed psych report. And a clinical psychologist and a occupational therapist.(couple of years ago) Only to be told it needs to be diagnosed by a community paediatrician. So the school sent a referral to the hospital- it’s a specialist children’s hospital. They text saying they would be in touch .

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebaubles · 04/01/2021 22:40

Sorry, Ed psych report and Adhd referral are new.

OP posts:
Mrmoose23 · 04/01/2021 22:42

I have a son in year 8, who was diagnosed with ADHD in the summer of last year. I paid for a private diagnosis after years of trying to go through the school to get one due to home schooling being so horrendous. He is now on medication which means can now concentrate in school and this has helped a lot, however he doesn’t take this at home and so we are still having the same issues you are having. I would email the school and tell them the issues you are having and then just try and focus on the core subjects such as science, maths, english, if you can’t get him to complete them on one day don’t try and catch up another day, it will cause you too much stress, just start every day afresh. This is what I am doing. And if you find this is still too hard I would leave it altogether as I did at the end of the last school term as the constant battles made the atmosphere in the whole house terrible and got to the point where my son was walking out of the house and running away.

thriftyhen · 04/01/2021 22:51

Could you afford to get him some private tutoring online? Lots of university students do this. It might help him to have a young person work with him; someone who wasn't a teacher from his school.

supersplodge · 04/01/2021 23:00

My DS is also Yr 8 and I hugely sympathise. He has ASD and ADHD and does have an EHCP - so he could in theory go in. He would love to - but we have vulnerable family members and it's not worth the risk. He also has NT twin sister and it would be a bit weird having them doing different things.

We struggled massively last lockdown - he can do very little unsupported and I'm not a teacher. I spent so many hours and couldn't get him to understand e.g. fractions. I totally understand where you're coming from. This time around they are having mainly online lessons and will do the first half being taught stuff and the second half doing work themselves. We'll see how that pans out - but it won't be great!

I spoke to the teachers last time and they just said to do what we could, and what was reasonable. Your DS may not have a statement but he should have an IEP or whatever they call it these days - a plan for any child who has any sort of additional needs or issues. The school should absolutely not be giving him a hard time and should be supporting him to do what he can, with you - and in a helpful way. If you aren't getting that then please do speak to the SENCo and don't drop it until they sort things out.

As PPs have said - stick to English and maths and anything he enjoys. Ignore the rest - life is too short. Good luck!

battyberyl · 04/01/2021 23:10

I feel your pain.2 of my sons are dyslexic and hated secondary school.They loved the social side and thats the only thing that got them in there.I cant imagine how impossible it would have got if I was dealing with them being homeschooled through this.It was awful trying to support them through exam years as the struggle just zapped them of motivation.We used to do 20 minute blocks which was as much as we could squeeze in before the arguments and fighting started.Rather than always sticking to school material,we used podcasts,you tube,bbc bitesize etc.Just tried to make it all as visual as possible and not textbook based.I would then scribe for them which helped them to keep their flow.Also stand your ground-its perfectly acceptable for you to ask for reduced workload and extra time etc for him.These are reasonable adjustments for him in the current situation.Good Luck

NeurologicallySpeaking · 04/01/2021 23:25

What a strange suggestion. Obviously don't do the work for him. What would the point be. If he can't do it then talk with the school. He might be one of the children who the school decides needs to come in. They have discretion to do that. If the school aren't willing to have a dialogue about how his needs are met then a) still don't do the work for him, it just doesn't get done and b) find a more supportive setting long term.

NeurologicallySpeaking · 04/01/2021 23:29

Also even if he has ADHD there is a low likelihood of an EHCP. I can't think of any children off the top of my head that I've taught with an EHCP for ADHD on its own. Not saying that is right but they are hard to get.

How is he in school? Can the school meet his needs? Can you use the resources of somewhere like the child mind institute? Can you afford a private assessment?

MaryLeeOnHigh · 04/01/2021 23:58

You don't have to have a diagnosis for your child to qualify for an EHC needs assessment at the very least. The legal criteria are whether he has or may have SEN, and whether he may need support through an EHC Plan. A diagnosis coupled with likely ADHD plus an inability to do any work without support indicates that he would certainly pass the first stage of the test. If he is not making progress despite getting support in school, that suggests that he meets the second stage.

Have a look at applying yourself - there is information about how to do so on the IPSEA and SOS SEN websites.

Edgeoftheledge · 04/01/2021 23:59

Just be honest with school

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/01/2021 00:05

Can you offer him say 10 mins school work in exchange for ... whatever currency he desires? Xbox TV etc

So you do c work but don’t time it, it may be 7 mins the first time but 15 mins eventually etc

Make a list of all the excuses, need a drink needs a wee needs to let the dog out

Then count them, but don’t tell him

Then the PM session do the same, count excuses, this will help keep you calm

When he’s focused 10 mins will fly by

If any work is set on the iPad use that to your advantage.

Alternista · 05/01/2021 00:12

What motivates him, could you turn off the WiFi or set a pin on his phone so he has to earn screen time?

If you do, start small. Half an hour’s hard work earns him screens for the rest of the day- try and win a small battle rather than lose a big one.