to ask you all how to be less of an asshole?

[FindTheRealMe]

NC
I'm an okay person for the most part, but there's something in me that makes me a bit of an asshole at times, mainly at work, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I feel like over the years I have developed an internal 'no' attitude, and that my default is to be suspicious of people and keep my distance, when really, more often than not, it would take the same level of effort to say yes and be helpful.

I have noticed that there are members of my team who work way less than I do, but have a smiley 'helpful' disposition, whilst I come across as possibly dry and aloof but genuinely get on with the work and get shit done.

This is not a dig at my work colleagues by the way, but I have observed that there are numerous emails suggesting they'll do this that and the other, appearing super helpful and raising their profile, but even as I am reading the email I am thinking 'you won't do shit' and I am rarely wrong.

I won't publicise that I am doing my job and 9 times out of 10 I do WAY more than the expectation, without making a big deal out of it.

It would serve me well to be a little lighter but it's become such an ingrained habit, I just don't know how to reverse it.

When you're surrounded by bullshitters its normal to become an asshole

It seems that your default is to denigrate others. You sound a bit resentful of them. Of course you might be justified... but that resentment is dragging you down. Why not just see others as different to you instead of less effective - offering a different set of attributes to the team. Turn it around. List all the positive things they do that you don't.

The way you treat others is the main basis for your character, so try going by that rule rather than wanting to "win", because everyone will have seen through that by now.

I’ve worked in teams where there’s been an asshole member or two who are great at their jobs but their attitude sucks, and then lovely, helpful, kind ones who are good at their jobs but not as good.

I would always, always rather work with the lovely, kind ones than the asshole no matter how great at their job the asshole is, because the lovely, kind ones make it a nice place to work and that’s the most important thing.

Nobody wants to be around the asshole.

I think you are confusing two things. The fact that your coworkers might get more appreciation and are more liked by doing less but regularly willing to help with workload than you by not putting yourself forward to help but getting things done better.

In this instance, yes, you might want to review how you get on with your work and maybe adapt more to what seems appreciated.

The other aspect would show itself more in terms of being flexible and willing to help with changing shifts, changing your holiday week to accommodate someone who really needs that week. Arranging a birthday contribution etc...

My experiencee is that being nice, helpful and kind at work always pays off in the long run even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

You need to shake yourself out of your "victim" mindset. You see the world as you doing the work and others taking the credit. Try to understand you're not "better" than them, if only people were intelligent enough to notice it.

Celebrate the strengths of others, and reflect on your own weaknesses - you can't expect others to do the reverse for you if you won't do it for them.

Even your op is all about how great you are and how they are not. So the issue clearly goes quite deep. Why come on and write a thread saying you want to be less of an asshole then immediately Segway into saying how shit your colleagues are? How does this help you be less of an asshole?

Agree with others about your victim mindset. If you want to come across better at work, being a team player who is very friendly is a good place to start.

Seems that you are really denigrating and disrespecting your colleagues here, while simultaneously saying you want to be less of an asshole? Need to work on not being bitter, not comparing yourself to others so much, and generally being more forgiving

I’m in a team with an asshole, I’m the kind but lazy person. When there are redundancies on the cards I can guarantee the arsehole will go however good they are at their job.

Smile.
Become approachable.
Don’t look down on your coworkers.
Find ways to help - ask about those Email suggestions and how they are going, and offer advice/help if they ask for it.
If they are only bullsh*tting, they won’t want any advice or help, but the fact you have taken a friendly interest might make them less inclined to make false promises...
That’s it, really. What you are trying to become is a Team Player. Good luck with the change - you can do it!

Op I’m the opposite and need to learn to be more of an arsehole at work, maybe we can help each other!

I think what has helped me OP, is to quietly think about what is the best thing I can do to help any situation and then do that. If I need to involve others I will, but I hate blowing my trumpet and also announcing what you're going to do puts a lot of pressure on actually doing it, so I just beaver away.

Takes management longer to notice - but eventually they do, and inevitably I am appreciated for what I do. Don't generally win spot prizes and accolades, but then I find those a bit embarrassing and counter productive in creating a useful team anyway.

Also some people are assholes, but most people are generally just trying to do their best, in the best way they know how and I try to think that as well.

I'm not sure that being dry and aloof make you an asshole?

Personally I'd rather work with someone who does their job well and works hard than someone who doesn't work as well, or as hard, but is a 'yes' person.

Maybe that makes me an asshole too?!

However OP, you should be polite towards colleagues, are you? You're obviously very self aware which is half the battle.

You dont sound like an asshole to me. You sound funny and realistic

but i have a real issue with people who only say what they think you want to hear, and say yes to things they have no intention of doing.

I dont think you need to change as much as you think you do.

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time here but it strikes me that they are not working at the right place for them or in the right role.

If the job requires a set of skills then in a professional role delivering those is the most important thing.

I would also say that it is the lazy but easily replaceable that are the first to go - mgmt usually have a sense of who they can rely on/know how to do the job properly and keep them.

What I mean is that I worked in a similar environment that was nauseatingly fake with lots of people doing baby showers/birthday stuff etc when they should have been working and all the decent staff slowly left. Even my manager said she was there for an easy ride after having her baby.

Perhaps a more dynamic, focused environment would suit you, OP?

Any personality trait can be either a blessing or a curse depending on the context.

If you are thinking about consciously trying to change your approach, it is worth thinking about the pros and cons of each specific behavioral trait relevant to your specific workplace context and culture. And also the pros and cons of a different approach. I can see positives and negatives in your description of both your own approach and that of your colleagues.

I am massively opposed to the blanket "be kind" stuff you see thrown around a lot these days. Of course, we should be kind where appropriate but the key thing that is missing is that in many cases, "being kind" is NOT appropriate, e.g. when someone is treating you with disrespect. "Be kind" is often used as a synonym for "sod your boundaries, you must tolerate my bullshit with a smile otherwise you're a bad person".

Anyway, rant over. I guess what I'm saying is that broad generalizations about being "nice" or "not nice" won't help you - you need to think through what is appropriate in specific detail / context.

Maybe start by being less hard on yourself and then it will filter down to how you treat others. It sounds like you do a lot already - do you really need to say yes to more? Or is it actually sensible to say no to manage your workload and keep peoples expectations realistic?

I think you can only do you. Just don't be rude or mean about it. Some people are smiley, bubbly extroverts at work and some people are quiet, introverts who just focus on the work. Unfortunately introverts are often overlooked because they don't draw loads of attention to all that they do. So that is one aspect you might want to subtly change if you're looking to move up. xxx

Sorry I have to say it, its driving me mad after seeing it on about 5 threads now, its arsehole if you're british.

It might be helpful for you to try some counselling. You could discuss this and it could help you figure out why you behave and respond the way you do. Understanding yourself is the first step to working on things you want to change.

I'm surprised you're getting a lot of work done watching what everyone else is doing.
Like pp atmosphere and team attitude is very important in the workplace.
There is always one who thinks they're extremely valuable and side eyes others who don't conform to their thinking.
I'm not sure you can turn this around in your current job.

But there are people in jobs who do all of the talking and none of the doing? And then it falls to others to sort out and they have to be aware of what is going on.

@rookiemere. I was raised to do this and quietly work away but have left jobs where I am doing that work and then other staff piss all over it.

I spent hours explaining a complex piece of software to a temp colleague so she could do her job properly - senior mgmt simplified it all when explaining to her which put everyone else’s stats out (which we had to change).

I have spent hours preparing lessons and had support staff interrupt, make a joke and basically try and undermine me because they didn’t want to do the follow up work.

Proper amounts of sleep and regular times of sleep may help. We are all usually nicer when not tired.

My point is that if the OP feels the culture at work allows this kind of behaviour it might be the wrong place for her and she may have higher expectations that would be rewarded elsewhere.