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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask you all how to be less of an asshole?

59 replies

FindTheRealMe · 04/01/2021 09:38

NC
I'm an okay person for the most part, but there's something in me that makes me a bit of an asshole at times, mainly at work, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I feel like over the years I have developed an internal 'no' attitude, and that my default is to be suspicious of people and keep my distance, when really, more often than not, it would take the same level of effort to say yes and be helpful.

I have noticed that there are members of my team who work way less than I do, but have a smiley 'helpful' disposition, whilst I come across as possibly dry and aloof but genuinely get on with the work and get shit done.

This is not a dig at my work colleagues by the way, but I have observed that there are numerous emails suggesting they'll do this that and the other, appearing super helpful and raising their profile, but even as I am reading the email I am thinking 'you won't do shit' and I am rarely wrong.

I won't publicise that I am doing my job and 9 times out of 10 I do WAY more than the expectation, without making a big deal out of it.

It would serve me well to be a little lighter but it's become such an ingrained habit, I just don't know how to reverse it.

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 04/01/2021 21:55

Your op sounds like you think you are better than the people you work with. This is a judgemental and negative way of viewing the world. So I'd say start by working on why you feel so negative towards others.

CarmenSanfrancisco · 04/01/2021 22:16

@CatbearAmo

Just to clarify, I don't do this anymore because I love my job. But I was in a similar position years ago and didn't care for my job (different company). I was on the verge of burnout so decided to take it easy and look for something else. Got promoted that year because I had really turned a corner and was bringing a really positive atmosphere to the team. Still left because I found something better, but I stopped working "aimlessly" after that and always make sure my work is in a visible spot.
@CatbearAmo How do you make sure your work is in a visible spot? This is my main weakness - I often go above and beyond if the team needs it but I’m very poor at communicating that I’m doing so happily.

So as an example, action A must be delivered before B can commence. I could take my time on A, but if I can see the resource for B is available now I’ll put in extra time. My manager will typically say something vague like ‘thank you, please don’t feel you have to work late’ and I’ll respond ‘it’s no bother’ but it doesn’t seem to register with my manager. At my appraisal this year he was quite shocked when I listed the projects I’d completed. I’d like to drive home to point to him and senior management but without appearing to complain.

CarmenSanfrancisco · 04/01/2021 22:20

@FindTheRealMe perhaps show that you’re a team player in other ways? My team has someone similar to how you describe yourself. He’s extremely clever and competent but has very little tolerance for management waffle/ playing at being nice in emails. Instead, he sets aside an hour a week to ‘tutor’ anyone new to the team, kind of like a new joiner office hour. It’s invaluable for new joiners as he has a lot of experience and allows him to build rapport in a way he is comfortable with.

Namenic · 04/01/2021 22:22

Sounds like you are trying to change, which is nice. Maybe appreciate that it is a skill to context-switch and be helpful to a lot of people. In some jobs, this helpfulness/context-switching is more important as you get higher up - because you delegate and need to mentor your juniors: you have less time to focus on your 1 task, but use your experience to help people with theirs. You might not output the same as one of the focussed juniors, but your contribution can be bigger because of your experience and how you use that to help multiple pieces of work.

Canwecancel2020 · 04/01/2021 22:48

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

My point is that if the OP feels the culture at work allows this kind of behaviour it might be the wrong place for her and she may have higher expectations that would be rewarded elsewhere.
I thought maybe this too. I felt a bit like a grumpy grafter in my previous job... I’m so much happier in new job which is a better fit for me. Working environment with less fake jollies and gossiping but genuinely supportive colleagues and a good team.
LadyfromtheBelleEpoque · 04/01/2021 22:54

@Canwecancel2020

I have lots of jobs and I have been so shocked at some of my last experiences. A real culture of fobbing off and poor attitude. I don’t normally make judgements but in the end I was putting out so many fires that were started by people who just wanted attention. They also zoned in on the glory for doing the tough jobs when sometimes i felt like calling them out on being frauds. There was so much covering up going on but truthfully those places are best avoided - good workers are held onto by good employers.

CatbearAmo · 05/01/2021 07:25

@CarmenSanfrancisco

If there is a task I know I am going to really enjoy, then I volunteer for it regardless of whether I think people will notice or not.

With other tasks, I try to do the following:

Make sure I am not just doing things for one person, but spread my time out among several people. Not putting all eggs in one basket. One person will mention your name once, if you are lucky. Several people gives you better chance of your name popping up several times.

If I know there is someone who likes to pass of my work as their own, I try to avoid their tasks, and I spend less effort or I find a way to deprioritize.

If the work is just one of those really dull things that just have to be done, I still try to organize regular check in calls or send bulleted update emails where appropriate. People still appreciate the update and i jazz up the results just by how I word them. Not describing it as, well I've been working on xyz as usual, but instead, I have some good news, we had xyz number of this in this month and they were all completed on time. There was a problem with xyz, but I solved it by xyz, which could be useful for the team in future. All true, just better presentation of the work.

If I feel unchallenged by a task, I try to find a junior who might find it interesting and get them involved. They appreciate being mentored and some additional responsibility and it is a good way to be seen as a leader. Hogging all of the work to yourself just uses extra energy and people actually dislike it. They don't value the effort you put in if you are always doing it alone.

If I feel stressed and like I'm coming off as an antisocial bitch because I don't have time for a meeting or a quick chat to listen to someone, I take a massive look at my todos and see what can go. If nothing can, I send an email to let the team know and see if they have any ideas on how to help. If they don't, I apologize for delayed responses over the next few weeks and start to say no to things, or ask for longer deadlines. If you don't tell people when you are busy, they will never know.

I always try to find 3 minutes before a meeting to write down the most important things I need to say. If someone has a question and I know the answer then I will try to jump in. But if it isn't relevant I just keep quiet, try not to jabber on and over talk in meetings so whatever I say is of value, otherwise people stop listening.

Finally, I always keep a reserve for the days or weeks to work like hell when something seriously goes wrong and it needs fixing. Whether it's my problem or not, if I realize this is a major problem I will work through the night to help everyone if I can fix it. It's an exception and I will take it easy once there is time to mentally compensate. Again I make sure the important people know i fixed it by scheduling a call to share the lessons learned.

But the key takeaway is if you are working on something and nobody cares or notices, then you need to either present them better or you need to find a way to drop that task and swap it for another.

If you really truly love what you are doing, then you are basically being paid for your hobby. In which case, recognition can take second. If you love what you do, you have hit the jackpot.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/01/2021 08:41

Musing before the coffee has kicked in...doesn't asking how not to be asshole, then not returning to thread, make you more of an ask-hole? Grin

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/01/2021 13:05

Spongey the thread killer! Grin

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